Direction?

I was laying in bed last night and I was talking to God and I had this vision of me standing at the top of a mountain.  The view was beautiful, I was alone and the wind was blowing on my face and through my hair.  I looked down and saw valleys, tall trees like a forrest, flat land and bodies of water.  I was reminded that each of those can represent a season.  There are seasons of us in a valley where we are in our lowest of low, super depressed as if life couldn't get any worse.  The tall trees represented seasons where we don't understand and we cant see how we are going to get through our problems and we feel lost.  The flat land represented peace, where everywhere you looked you could see clear and everything is going good and you felt peaceful.  Then the bodies of water is a mixture of tossing and turning of life, but yet still.  

As I looked down from the mountain, I realized I wasn't in any of those.  I was simply standing on the mountain, waiting on God.  I'm not in my deepest low, I'm not scrounging around lost, I'm also not smooth calm and peaceful and I'm not tossing and turning.  

I'm in a stage in my life where I simply don't know and I know I'm not supposed to figure it out.  I'm at peace knowing that I'm walking with Christ, but some of my situations that I'm in are more mental and spiritual.  I catch myself quite often trying to figure it out and all I can feel is God wanting me to relax and enjoy life and trust Him.  The more I walk with God the more I feel God reveals to me of the type of person I have become over the years.

I have a fear of not having things figured out or even walking down the wrong path.  I want a clear path with a bright light shining on it and I will follow if that's where God wants me to go, but I'm realizing its not that easy all the time.  I think it kind of gets harder the closer you walk with God, because I view God as a Father letting go of a toddler so they can take their steps.  Its as if over the past year I have been growing from an infant to a toddler and now I'm strong enough to stand up on my own as my Father holds my hands and I can bounce my legs up and down and now He is wanting me to take the steps of faith (which I lack alot of times) with His hands held out and He is releasing me.  I know He will be there when I fall and pick me back up, but as a human, its scary to take those first steps sometimes.

I know right from wrong, I feel and hear the Holy Spirit knock on my heart when I'm being convicted to do or not to do something.  I have been struggling with trusting God fully, which is crazy to me, because He is the All-Knowing and my days were planned before the beginning of time, but for some reason as humans, that's simply not good enough for us to grasp and hold onto.  I told someone the other day that I don't trust God, but I do and that's why I keep following Him.  Truth of the matter is I don't want to be far from God, I want to be in the will of God, but my fear is that His will for my life isn't going to be what I want.  I would rather give up what I want and be in His will, that is more important to me.  I have been out of His will I would honestly say majority of my life and I watch people all around me make choices for themselves that are clearly not of God.  It seems easier to view other peoples lives and see the road they are walking then our own path.  We get caught in the emotions or we get caught in our feelings or simply we want to do what we want to do because we want it now.  I know alot of my heartbreak in my life is because I took what I wanted in my own hands and I didn't simply lay my life at Jesus' feet and have Him direct me and allow Him to work in my life.  At this point I am scared to not have my life at Jesus' feet.

I am constantly with my nose in a book or a Bible study or always listening to a sermon somehow to learn more about God and His will for my life.  I have loved going to my church on Sundays and Wednesdays and I wish I could open up more to people.  I never had a problem opening up to people, but I catch myself sitting there quiet listening to others.  As down as I might feel at times because of the weird season I'm in, I see how many people are in their valleys or they are in the forest or being tossed back and forth and then I realize, how blessed I truly am.  The more you walk with God, the more unselfish you become and how eager you truly want to help others.  I pray and ask God everyday how I can help someone.  The church I go too loves helping people and the outside communities and I love it!  I have been praying for God to open up doors for me to help or be more involved, if that is His will.  Hmmm.....maybe He is just wanting me to take that step like I mentioned earlier.......see.......I tell you, I get scared to take that step, but maybe that's just what I need to do and if I fall, then God will pick me up and I will take the next step.  I guess I always thought I should have confirmation about everything.  Its weird even when I blog how God lays things on my heart and by me simply typing I answer my own concerns and questions....if only you could see my face right now as I keep stopping and tapping my fingers soaking all this in.

I just know and want to remind the believers out there that no matter if you choose to go against God for a season or your whole life or if something bad or unfair happened to you that God can and will use it for the good!!!  Allow God to use you to build His kingdom!!