Beauty in flaws

The more that I have come to know myself lately, the more I realized that I'm a perfectionist.  I'm not a perfectionist in everything, but it carries on to alot of things.  I always wanted my hair to be perfect, my teeth to be perfect (still wear my retainer sometimes), I need to look presentable at almost all times if I'm out in public.  I don't have the perfect house, but with what I have, I try and take care of it and it last forever.  Some of my "perfectistic ways" also carry on to other people, especially the men in my life.  Like I mentioned before, they need to look, dress, or act a certain way.

I remember when I was in counseling after my ex husband left, I was told that I put too much pressure on myself and the people around me. 
As I'm getting older and I'm looking in the mirror, I see so many flaws than ever before.  I'm seeing more grey hairs and I noticed my skin on my face isn't the most youngest and freshest.  I look at my body and see stretch marks, scars and saggy skin from losing weight.  Most of these things will always be a part of me unless I go under the knife.  I do wonder as I'm getting older, if a man would even want this kind of body.  I'm sure most men visualize themselves with a woman who is still "young and vibrant". 

The more that each day goes by and I'm getting older, I'm accepting who I am and what I look like.  I'm sure there are things I could of prevented years ago, with stretch marks and just taking care of my body more, but the truth of the matter is, I cant change time.  When I look at a man, I don't want this buff, 8 pack of abs, tones, what the world would call sexy of a man.  I think Ive always looked within the heart and maybe that's why if I look back at the 3 men that I ever dated, they are all good men.  I don't find cockiness attractive, I actually stay away from those type of people, who you might call, "too confident".  The people who Ive came across who are like that, have nothing to offer and can be shallow people, so I think sometimes, what are they hiding, why do they think so highly of themselves?

When I look in the mirror, I smile, just because I see myself growing, becoming the woman God wants me to be.  Someone the other day, told me that I was beautiful, I smiled and said thank you.  I told them, "I am, I'm made in the image of God and I'm worthy".  This person knew that I never took a compliment, but I told them that, to show appreciation and to let them know I'm getting stronger with the person that God has transformed me into.  I didn't want it to be some cocky statement, but I'm the worst at thinking something of someone and not letting them know.  They might have a nice shirt or a dress or a good hair style or even just handsome or beautiful, but I'm the worst at taking my time to make someone smile and I'm not really sure why.  Its not a pride thing or scared or anything, I just don't really think to take the time and initiate something like that. 

I have to be honest, since this is my blog and I want to share with my struggles and blessings.  When I was in relationships, I was very insecure.  I didn't even want the man that I was with to even look in the direction of another woman.  I thought of many things, I thought they might find them more attractive then myself, they might try and pursue them, they might try and compare me to them or wish they were with them.  I don't know, but all those thoughts came to my mind and I know its because I have always been insecure with my body and appearance, and my ex husband leaving me didn't help.  I really felt like this is what God has been laying on my heart lately.  Ive been observant with women around me, at church or in stores.  I wonder if I had a male by my side what would my thoughts be.  Every time I start to think that my insecurity would flare up if they were there, I felt like God would touch my heart and tell me, the man who I will marry will love me and they might notice them, but its up to THEM to pursue with temptation, with either looking too hard or have his thoughts carry on further.  I just felt like God was reminding me once again, that I have no control, which is true.  I cant control anothers thoughts or feelings or even actions, and I think for so long Ive tried to, that it actually did more harm then good.  I never did it in despite, but out of fear of being hurt, which always led to being hurt anyways.  I feel like God has laid on my heart that all I can do for my spouse is to pray that when temptation comes his way, that he is strong enough to withstand it.  In fact, I pray for that daily for my future spouse, because I know that whatever he is doing now, could affect us for when God brings us together.

Ive said this before, but this is a season of growth, a season my friend told me before it happened when God laid it on her heart.  Sometimes when I get discouraged, I'm reminded of the woman that God is creating me to be.  The works I can do for my Heavenly Father when I'm strong and confident in God and in myself.  I know God is preparing me to be the wife and mother that He knows I can be, and I'm very honored and blessed to think God has used this time to mold me.

Beauty in flaws is a beautiful thing.  I remember one time I told Brian that my scar on my stomach that's a ruler long from my kidney cancer surgery, was ugly and to not look at it.  He said, "Its beautiful, because it shows that you are alive".  How sweet was that.  Now I look at my scars as a way of saving my life.  I have 3 other small scars from my appendix and if I have another surgery, I will have yet another one.  I'm going to look my body as  a way of God saying, "I'm not done with you yet."  I have scars on my heart with God sewing it up and reminding me of what He has done in my life and reminding me how He will use me.

No matter how many battle wounds you may have, whether it be physically, spiritual, emotional or even mental, you have a purpose and God is not done working on you yet.  When you look at you physically or even at your heart of past hurts or even an open wound right now, just know that there is a reason and even though it may suck right now and you don't want to be in it, just imagine the growth and strength that you are getting from God and becoming to hopefully help in the future.  Now you might say, "Well I would rather not be going through this and I could care less if I could help someone in the future, I just don't want to be feeling this right now", just know that God is there, wanting you to come to Him, to lean on Him and to trust that this season of your life is for a reason.  As much as I am not enjoying this part of my life at times, I know its rewarding and I know its beneficial for me.  As June is creeping up, I was reminded that I thought this year was going to be a good year, learning my future husband, planning a wedding, and yet I'm single, learning myself and that God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him and His planning.  I don't know what the future holds, but that's when you need to hand over to God and just surrender and tell God, "I give this to you, I surrender, I don't know the plans you have for me, but I want what You want, I want Your plan and will done in my life, In Jesus Name, Amen".  When you hand it all over to God, whether its cancer, loss of a loved one, financial, divorce, it could be just life is boring and you feel like there isn't a purpose", God will show you the purpose, the reason, the understanding, but don't expect it over night or even next week. It might be a month or a year when looking back, but don't forget to thank Him now, and even later down the road.  Our God is a loving God and His mercy is everlasting!!!

God Bless

Just remember, you are beautiful, because God created you, you are worthy and you are valuable.  God wouldn't have you here on this earth if He didn't have a reason or a purpose for you life, but just never forget that our God is a jealous God and He wants our attention and for us to give Him our struggles and worries.  Smile and remember that someone out there has it a little bit worse, you are blessed! :)

Feeling a void

If you know me, my mind can run ninety miles to nothing.  Its quite horrible to live that way, but I didn't know any other way of living.  When I first started to understand this "waiting room" time of my life, I read a book by Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the mind", and it talks about we have control of our thoughts.  I daily pray for God to give me His thoughts, because human nature we worry and I'm the worst at "what ifs".  Also, the enemy likes to whisper those sweet nothings in your ear, that makes you stress out, worry or think of things that probably never will happen. 

I mentioned before that I haven't really "heard" God speak to me lately, but He has been laying things on my heart.  I still hear His voice, but this whole new level of seeking my heart and searching Him is very rewarding. 

I catch myself starting to wonder about things that are out of my control.  I sit there sometimes and think of "what ifs" and what the future holds.  I have started to realize that when that happens, I instantly rebuke the devil in Jesus name and pray and ask God to give me His thoughts.  Almost instantly, my mind refocuses on what I need to be thinking about.  That prayer alone, for God to give me His thoughts, has changed my life. 

What void am I feeling? 

God has been so gracious to me.  A few weeks ago, when I had my melt down and was quite angry with God, I really felt like I needed that.  I needed my rock bottom.  During that whole time, I realized that I wasn't having trust and faith in God, I only thought I was.  I have learned to take each-day-at-a-time!  You might be thinking that I'm slow and crazy for just now realizing this, but this is huge to me.  I actually look at the future as a gift each day, whether I work or its my day off.  Ive also noticed that when I try and make plans for things ahead, when I just go with the flow, its actually alot more rewarding and peaceful. 

When I look back at my life and how much I tried to plan ahead, it stressed me out and stressed the people around me out.  If I started to plan my birthday right now, there would be no way.  I don't know who's going to be in my life at that point and I don't know financially where I will be.  So why worry about it?  What about today?  Whats going on today?  Who can you reach out too and encourage today?  Jesus is here right now!  I always thought that if you plan ahead, you are organized and ready for the bumps.  Truth is, a few months ago, I was planning a wedding that I thought was promised to me.  I honestly felt like there was no way that it couldn't happen, because that's what I felt God tell me and tell me that this man is my husband.  Then the bump in the road happened and now I have no clue what tomorrow brings.  The most amazing thing about it is, I trust God!  I trust Him with today and tomorrow.  I focus only on today though and if its Gods will, then it will happen whenever with whomever.  I need to let God do the work in my life!

The void that I'm feeling is worry.  Its amazing!  I lived each day with worry.  Worry about bills, worry about health, worry about this person doing this, or worry about my house being clean.  I didn't live with faith and peace.  Now that I'm CHOOSING to trust and have faith in God, a part of me that I felt for so long, is now voided.  Will I ever worry again?  Of course.  Will I ever think with "what ifs"?  Yes.  But I honestly feel like God is giving me a time to learn to rest with His peace, so I can build my trust and faith in Him. 

A better way for me to explain this is, I can feel the enemy, here, knocking, trying to mess with my mind and put those thoughts that are not from God in me, to make my life miserable.  I can feel Gods strength blocking him away, while I rest in Him.  At times when I let my guard down and start doing my own thing, that's when I feel the enemy start to get to me and I run straight back to God.  My Heavenly Father has been molding me into the woman He wants me to be and I cant wait till my waiting room is over and I can step out with God holding my hand into my next blessings in this life.

If you are in a waiting room or a season of your life where its confusing and you don't understand, I recommend seeking the One who does know what tomorrow holds or a year from now holds.  The truth of the matter is that God wants you to seek Him, so He can bless you and pour out His blessings, which are the best kind, into your life!  Just think, if we all had an easy life where we didn't struggle, we wouldn't need God, we wouldn't need to cry out and have our Heavenly Father carry us and comfort us.  He allows things to happen to redirect our focus on the path He has for us. 

I know that if God didn't separate my relationship 2 months ago, there would of been no way I would of been the wife and mother that God created me to be.  I needed to go through this and when it first happened, I didn't understand and I struggled with what I felt like God promised me.  Its always time, that we can look back and see the growth and what God did in our lives.  I know Gods not done and a month from now I might be writing more and adding more of what God has done and something new I learned. 

I do pray daily for God to write my love story.  The power God has done in my life to grow in just 2 months, I cant imagine what Hes doing in my future husbands life.  If your single and reading this, there is nothing wrong with praying for your future spouse, asking God to prepare their hearts for marriage.  I do pray for you to ask God for His purpose in your life, that He can show you the great plans He has for you!  Also that if your struggling with something, that you lift it up to God, and allow him to take it and mold you, so you can be a great disciple in Christ for Him!

My waiting room, My luggage

I mentioned before the book I was reading called, "Your late again, Lord".  It talks about us in a waiting room at times in our lives.  I can look back at my life and see myself in lots of waiting rooms.  Some I didn't want to be in and screamed and shouted, trying to claw myself out of that room.  Ive sat in some, having total trust and faith in God and waited semi patiently.  Ive set in my waiting room before not understanding, complaining and wanting to be out of it so much, because it sucked!

Now that I understand and can look at God sitting me down in a waiting room and that I can have a visual way of God working in my life, it makes it much easier.  I don't know what the future holds, but back in February, most of you reading this know that I was in a relationship.  I was in a relationship with a man that I asked for.  I wrote him on a list a couple of years ago and God handed him to me on a silver platter.  This man had to work a little bit and pray and the day that I prayed about us, God started to change my heart.  God worked inside out to be in this relationship.  People tell me today, that maybe God brought him into my life just for a short time, and they could be right, I don't know for sure.  I do know that God told me that this man was going to be my husband, He embedded it into my heart and God changed my heart to feel this way towards him.  So why arnt we together?

Its been since March that we have been together and  before we broke up, we were trying to get close to God and to understand each other, because we have different personalities.  We didn't understand why we are so different and why God would bring two people that didn't understand each other together.  We had been praying and I know me personally, I was praying for God to mold me into the woman He wanted me to be, so I could satisfy Brian.  Now, before I get into detail, I don't know 100% if Brian and I will ever see each other again or ever be in a relationship and to be honest, I don't worry about it, because I'm not in control and people have free will.  I do know, that God had to remove Brian out my life so God could work in me.

This is how I visualized myself.  I visualized myself carrying 2 big bags of luggage in my relationship.  It was filled with past relationships, hurt, fear, insecurity, doubt, selfishness and so much more.  It weighed me down, it weighed our relationship down.  I prayed for God to mold me and God knew that the best way, would be for me to be on my own, with God and me in a waiting room, while He talks to me and while I do His work.  I don't know how long I will be in this waiting room.  I don't know how long I will be single, but the amazing thing about my waiting room right now is I trust God!!!  I trust Him that He is doing something great for me, even though I don't understand.  I don't want to learn the hard way and I don't want to be in this room forever, so I'm obeying and doing everything God wants me to do and I'm trying to enjoy this time in my life.  This could be my last time single, before married with children, so why not go out and do Gods work single, before I will have a mate.  I know when its time, that I will have a Godly husband who loves to do Gods work and will hopefully help and encourage my ministry that I feel God has put before me.  Its exciting to know and feel at peace with knowing that God wouldn't give me a husband who didn't want to do ministry work.

So where do I stand right now?  God finally revealed the biggest problem I had throughout every relationship.  I can see how the first week with Brian and mines separation, He revealed to me all the small, but yet important things I needed to work on.  I went straight to work on all those and right when God knew I was ready, He told me.  He told me that I depend on man too much!  I put so much expectations on them that only God can fulfill and of course they are going to fail me.  All 3 guys I ever was in a relationship with all told me the same thing, "No matter what I do, its never good enough".  I always expected them to be perfect, to not lust, to dress and look this certain way.  Isn't that sad?  God is so good to me, that He has allowed me to have some time in my waiting room, to show me where I failed God and even failed the men in my life.  I know that if God never revealed this to me, it would of never of stopped and it wouldn't of stopped just at my future husband.  I know it would of carried on to my kids and what a horrible way that would be, always trying to make momma happy and not making any mistakes.  I was never raised that way, so I don't know where it came about in my life, but the fact that I'm working on it and accepting people as they are, is actually a very beautiful thing.

I'm standing here, one free hand, but still a hand holding a bag of luggage.  My luggage is actually unzipped, with stuff spilling out.  I love it, because Gods not done working on me, but its slowly being emptied.  Now that I know whats in my luggage, I'm working on throwing it away, piece by piece. 

I can relate, How can you?

Can you imagine if we never went through any storms?  Can you imagine if you lived this easy life?  I can look around with some friends of mine and see that they never really went through much in their life.   They seem to have it easy, always have, seems like they have been extremely blessed without too big of a life changing trial.  Now I don't know everything about their life or what they may or may not be saying, but outside looking in, they had it pretty easy.

Ive asked myself with the different trials I have faced if I did something wrong, or why God picks on me.  It does seem like it, when it seems like every 3 years I am faced with some form of uncertainty.  I know God has a plan for every single person walking this e

arth and I also know that we have free will to either walk Gods path filled with many blessings or walk our own path with confusion. 

I look around and see why God chose me to go through these storms.  I know they are for a reason, because with Gods strength I have overcome them or grew from them so I can help others.  I then asked myself, what does these people around me that seem like they haven't gone through much, what do they have to offer other people when they really haven't been faced with much heartache or pain?  I know that's not for me to know or to understand, but I then felt blessed with all my trials, I felt blessed that I can relate and touch so many different people with so many different trials that they may face.

I can help anyone, especially a young child with the loss or sickness of a family member, I can relate to any cancer suffering or surviving person, I can relate to anyone who has experienced loss of a child through miscarriage and even infertility issues, and all their suffering that comes with it.  I can relate to a person who's spouse has walked out on them and still encourage them to fight, if that's what God has put on their heart.  I can relate to even myself turning from God in the most depressing part of my life and wanting my heart to get hardened and myself committing adultery after my husband left.  I can relate to God handing you something and you not being thankful enough and Him taking it away.  I can relate to someone who is extremely mad at God, because you don't understand.

I'm thankful for each and every single trial I have gone through.  It has made me who I am today.  I know that my God wouldn't allow these things to happen in my life if there wasn't a reason or a way He could use me to help others.  Each and every season of my life, I know will go down in the book that I feel God wants me to write.  Alot of people ask me why don't I start writing now, and its because God hasn't told me too.  I know these blogs are parts of my book, because I enjoy looking back and reading my emotion that I was feeling in that part of my life and then I'm reminded, so when its time to look back, I can re-feel what I felt and see what God has done.

I mentioned in a previous post that I questioned what my purpose was on this earth.  I feel that it was in those moments the enemy got in my ear and made me question everything.  How can I ever doubt with everything I have gone through that it wasn't all for a purpose? I want to be able to reach out to people, to help others, to encourage others.  The other day it was Mothers Day, which by the way, I want to put pictures up of my events that have been going on in my life, and I will get to that, because I like to look back at all the holidays and events to remember them, anyways, I woke up that morning and it was kind of a down day.  Mothers day isn't the best day for me, yet, because my mother passed and my babies passed and I cant really celebrate it.  Alot of people don't see i have children so they forget that I have babies and of course my mother isn't here, so I cant acknowledge it.  I woke up and had a different attitude, instead of feeling sad and guilty, I woke up and wished all the mothers and mothers to be and even the moms who have lost babies a Happy Mothers Day!!  This day isn't about me, and its not about sadness or pity, because I know that my mother in heaven is taking care of my babies in heaven and what a glorious day it will be when standing at the gate I will hug all of them one day.  You know what?  It wasn't a bad day!  I will share with you my mothers day in my blog when I post pictures, but I was blessed!

When we look at trials and storms in our life and we have pity on ourselves, why don't we turn it around and thank God and use these to help others?  I try hard to not look at my life and ask why, but ask God, "What do you want me to do Lord?  Place people in my life that I can help and encourage!" 

I do encourage whatever you may be going through or maybe its a stillness in your life, no troubles, everything is going great, is to ask God how can He use you or to show you how something good or bad in your life can help someone else.  How many times have you gone through something bad, who did you reach out too?  I notice each and every trial I faced I ran to God, I love the fact that my God loves me that much that He wants to grab my attention and want Him.  At the end of the day, our purpose is to worship God, the Creator or who made us, not for ourselves, but for Him.

I would ask if you have time to listen to this song.....listen to the words....
God speaking

ER visits

Here I am.....waiting at the ER....again.  I don't know what is going on in my life.  I don't feel overwhelmed by everything,  I know God is with me, but it's hitting me back to back.  I went to work today and about 3 hours in, my coworker comes in from outside and tells me my tire looks like it's going flat.  I go out and it's about half way down.  I go inside and started to come up with some choices I can do since I really don't have anyone and not many people are available at 1am.  I figured it all out and left work and took some time off.

I go home and catch up on some few things around the house and pray and read devotions and my friend asks me if I would like to go on a road trip.  I get in the car and it happened.........an attack.  I didn't even eat anything bad today, all I had was chicken and asparagus.  I
had over 900 calories to take in from a 1600 calorie diet.  We went to Walmart and I bought me some lemons cause they helped me the night before when I had an attack.

It wasnt easing up, so I told her to drive me to the Er. She dropped me off and I sat there alone.  I do not blame her,  because I wanted her to go do what she needed to do, but just like with the car thing, I'm alone.

I'm not sure what God is doing during this time in my life.  I do need surgery since it's starting to happen everyday and I'm doing what I'm supposed too with eating.  Why now this is happening....I'm not sure.

My fence that my neighbors dead tree fell on back in March is now starting to fall apart and I'm having to deal with insurance with that.

I know my problems could be so much worse and these are pain in the butt things, but it's hard when you do it alone.  I am glad I'm a child of God and God has my back,  cause I know it will all work out.


I wrote this on the 9th of May on my phone sitting in the hospital, I wanted to share it since it was my thoughts at the moment, waiting to be seen.

New Email

I know God is getting me ready for something.  I have mentioned before in my blogs that God laid on my heart as a young woman that I will write a book one day.  I know right now in my life, the seasons I'm going through are all going to be going down in this book, because these are all lessons He is teaching me as He works in my life.  I can feel God getting me ready for some kind of ministry work, whether it be standing up in front of people and sharing my testimony or writing my book and going to book signings or all the above or more.  I knew it was time that I did make an email for when people need to ask me or have prayers or questions they would like to ask me in a more personal manner, so I made an email that you can reach me at.

JoyRachelsHeart@aol.com

So I wait....

Ive been reading the book, "You're late again, Lord", and this book has changed my life. 

The book talks about being the "waiting room" with God and yourself.  God wont let you get out of that waiting room till you have fully trusted Him and have waited on the lesson you need to learn during this season of your life.  I love books that when I read them, its me, its my situation, its speaking exactly to me.  I'm coming to the end of the book and I might have to re-read it, just because its so uplifting and makes you think. 

If I look back at my life, I can see me in lots of waiting rooms with God, some of them I took the long wait, forgot to grab the 'your number' I guess you can say.  I thought I could figure things out, I thought I could do it on my own, I thought I could fix the problem, I thought I was in control.  I can look back and see how God likes to grab my attention.  I'm a very hard headed person and sometimes it takes people to walk away, in order for me to look up at God.  I get in this routine where life is grand and Rachel is in control and everything couldn't be better, I guess I would say, "I got this God".  Of course, God laughs and reminds me that, "Hes got this!"

The past few weeks I was battling with the thought of, 'What was my purpose in this life?'  I was feeling like everytime I got close to a prize in this life, it was always taken away.  I blamed myself of course and was trying to figure out why I always failed.  Ive been searching deep inside as my life has had some bumps here lately in my personal life and I just feel God smiling at me, while holding me and taking my burdens away.  In the stillness of being with God, I have felt Him more than hearing Him and its actually very comforting.  I know He knew that I needed to feel Him and me surrendering myself so He can guide me. 

I know that I cant rush God, I know that I'm not in control, so theres no point in me even trying.  I was reminded of my life, with my fence situation.  On March 12th of this year, we had a really bad wind storm.  The storm knocked my neighbors dead tree on my privacy fence that I have on my property next to my house.  Today I finally settled with the insurance company and this is May 12th.  It took 2 months to the day to handle and deal with this situation, but the truth is, I couldn't rush it.  I waited for my neighbor to fix it and she didn't, then she wanted us to pay for half.  I then got on the phone with her insurance company and wanted to file a claim.  I then had to get someone out here to look at it and give me an estimate.  The first person I called was the person who talked to me who tore her trees down, who was going to fix it in the first place.  He left me his card and I called him and he said that he would bring by an estimate.  He never showed up the day he was going too and then I called him back and he said he forgot and was going to bring it by that day.  Well he never showed up and his word was thrown out the window at that time, so I looked up some more people to call.  When I called 3 of them, 2 of them didn't answer the phone and the one person that did, said they didnt do estimates.  Later that day I got a call back from one and he agrees to come by.  A few days later he still didn't show up, so once again I called again.  Finally he told me that he would be by before I go to work and he showed up.  He was nice and helped me to deal with the insurance people and what to do.  All this from calling and trying to get someone out here was all in about a 2 to 3 week time period.  I did my part and called but the others didn't.  Then when I called the insurance I had to wait 4 days because she wasn't going to be in the office.
I also can look back now that time has passed and because I waited, I now got a better deal.  If I went ahead and settled with my neighbor and decided to pay for half, I would of been out of pocket and the job would of been a crap job.  Since I waited and allowed time to pass and handed it over to God, for His will to be done, I now got a better deal and hopefully a better situation of my fence.  Now that I have settled with the insurance, I'm going to pray for God to handle this and guide me where I should go with the money. 

What I'm saying with all that is, you cant rush God, you cant rush people and I have learned to just sit back and let things happen.  I also wake up every morning and give God today and today only.  Tomorrow I will get up and give God tomorrow and tomorrow only and ask him to guide me, teach me and show me what it is I need to do for that day.

If we can just look at today and today only and the things you need to get done, just for today, you would be surprised at how much more peaceful life is.  I was the worst at running every scenario in my head and all the 'what ifs".  This time, God has slowed me down and said, "Let me work my child, let me show you what I can do, in MY timing".   So I wait......and He shows me!!!

I do ask for prayers about my fence situation.  I know it might sound like a crazy prayer, but the thing with God is, whats important for us, is important for Him.  What might seem so small and stupid to ask God for a help or to send a prayer up, is BIG time to Him, because He wants us to go to Him for EVERYTHING!!!  I do pray that God will send someone that can fix it or replace it all for a good price, since the money that I'm getting back wont build me a new fence.  If you have any prayer request or any questions, don't hesitate to leave a comment with them or you can send me an email at JoyRachelsHeart@aol.com.

I pray that everyone has a blessed day!

Be still

Be still and know that I am God. 

Psalms 46:10

What is it to be still in God, mean to you?  If your like me that runs ninety miles to nothing, either because you take care of your children, your spouse, your parents or you just cant seem to catch up, it can be hard to set a certain amount of time alone with just you and God and to just acknowledge our Savior.  I know our God is a jealous God and He gives and He takes away and I feel if we put people or things in front of God, He can and will remove them so our focus can be put back on Him. 

The cell phone......to me is the enemies way of distracting us.  Yes, we have free will, but how much time does the average person spend on their cell phone, whether its a text, a game, social media, or just reading the news? 

I have stepped away from alot of things lately.  I don't know if its because I cant hear God so easily, or maybe its because I realized how much trash I really feed my mind when my face could be in Gods word.  I have deleted my facebook, stopped playing games and at times look at my phone staring at it and then shutting it off, because it was such a habit to look at it and use it.  Do I still use my phone?  Yes.  I still use it to talk or to use for directions or to google som

ething, usually with biblical questions.  I do use it to look at my bank and to use to track my food.  I even stopped reaching out to people and talking to them.  I am being still in God and focusing on Him and His will and that's what I need to do to fulfill it.  I feel as if I have wasted so much time on things that cant and wont glorify God.  Me, myself, I want to feed my mind with things that can help me grow, be close to God and to learn more about Him and His awesomeness. 

Do I think its a sin to play games or be on social media?  No, but I ask you this, do you spend more time on worldly things, temporary self gratifying things, more than talking with God or learning about Him?  

I have learned that I want to do everything that glorifies God, that can be a purpose for my life here on this earth.  I want to share Him and when Hes looking down on me, be proud of my works that are for Him.

It took me a bump in my life for me to notice where my heart was and the direction I was going.  My focus was in man and I depended on man to satisfy me and that is something that is impossible.  Only God can truly satisfy us 100%.  I will keep walking this walk, till God places someone in my life and I will keep walking this walk and not put so much expectations on a man, but see them as Christ sees them.  A sinner, loving them, forgiving them and realizing they arnt perfect but have been died for.  What a relief that my heavenly Father looks at me like that, but even with more love than I could ever express or feel.  

I ask you, where is your heart today?  Has someone let you down?  Has someone hurt you?  Are you tired, weak and weary?  I know a God who can heal you, love you, hold you in ways that is truly satisfying.  Just remember that we have all failed someone in this life and have failed our God, but His mercy is everlasting.  I pray for you today that you somehow will find peace, love and comfort in your struggle or trial or even your simple bump in the road, that God will open your eyes to the reason of the hardship!!

GOD BLESS!

Remember.......BE STILL!!  Even if that is going to a closet or a bathroom, shutting off all the lights and just meditating in God.  He hears our hearts even when we don't have the words to say!

Im an addict......

March 2014

I have realized, with Gods help of course, that I'm addicted to worrying.  Even when life is going grand, I still will find something to worry about.  I never was at full content peace and I know now that worrying is a sin, because you are not trusting God and putting your faith in Him.

As I have been reading this book, Ive realized that its mainly because I have alot of wrong things happen to me in the past and so I naturally am used to constantly worrying as a human and waiting for the next storm to come.  Scripture states that God wants us to be at peace.

Another thing I realized, which I knew this before, but I live in the future and the past.  Rarely will I live in the now and whats going on now.  I'm always looking weeks and months ahead or looking at what the past did.  The truth is, God lives in the presence and He wants us to focus on the NOW.  He walks with us right now, yes he will be there in the future, but He is with us always, right now.

Right now in my life, the stage I'm in right now, is a learning stage.  Honestly, I'm very blessed and right now there is nothing horrible going on and for that I am very grateful and blessed.  I am learning to take my growing and what God is teaching me one day at a time.  He amazes me at everything that I'm learning and what I'm realizing about myself.  Like I said before, I really thought I was this good Godly woman, with some issues and of course wasn't perfect, but Ive realized, I was very limited to being used, because of my mentality.  My mentality has been wrong this whole time and I can see how it has put strain on so many of my relationships.  It can be, me being a neat freak and not enjoying company over because I'm right behind them cleaning up.  It could be having a neat home that feels like a museum, because every item has a place and it cant get out of order.  What kind of living is that???  I worry about holidays that are months away, and for all I know I wont be here to even live it.  We don't know, only God does.

ts definitely a learning time for me and I'm learning to not worry and be in the shadow of my Lord and let him have all my worries and anxieties and allowing Him to guide me in this life.   I realized that a big problem of mine was that I would give it all over to God and then I would take it back and then do it again, it was a constant cycle and it was wrong.  I wasn't fully trusting and having faith that Gods plan and will for my life is the best one.  What I might want at the time, isn't going to happen no matter how much stress and worry I do, because Gods plan is still going to happen.

God has been so good to me and has had alot of patience with me throughout my life, but this stage of my life, I'm learning so much and its such an eye opener.  I just feel like God is getting me ready to speak, to share my testimony, to share other stories of my life.  I know I need to grow and learn to not worry and to trust Him more so he can guide me where He wants me to go.  I'm building my self-confidence up and.....there are no words.  If this is how much Ive learned in a month, I cant imagine what another month will bring!!!

When things started to turn around....part 3

WOW!!!  I just read part 1 and part 2 as I published them and........I don't have any words.  Okay, I do!!!  I don't know who that girl was.

Over the past week, I guess, I have never been this woman that I am today.  As I read my blogs of part 1 and part 2 and how crazy my mind was, I don't miss that.  I don't know the words to say what God has done for my thoughts.  I do pray for me to have Gods thoughts, but my mind has been in shut down mode.  I don't talk to anyone, I sit and listen and I try and give out good Godly advice.   I haven't heard God speak to me like He normally does, but I also haven't heard the enemies thoughts either and its so peaceful.  I feel God touch my heart and lead me to Sunday School and church on Wednesdays, but never His audible voice.  I feel Him like I guess other normal people do, but I also feel like Hes giving me a time of rest.

I have figured out the main root of my problem in my relationships.  I was at work and it struck me like a bolt of lightening.  I am now in the process of God working in my life, healing me, fixing me and the only person that can fix me, is God.  Once I realized the problem, there was no way of humanly fixing it.  This would be the act of God, but I knew it was possible.  Ever since God revealed to me why I did the things I did when I was in a relationship, is when I have been still in Christ, with no thoughts.  I don't want to share the problem, at least right now, but ask for prayer as God works in my life.

I also ask for you to pray for my health, I went back to ER again out of the blue one night at 5am when I woke up with pain.  It was my second time in a week and they want to do surgery, but I don't have time for that.  Morphine wont take away my pain and so they have to give me the highest drug to ease the pain.  Also Hydrocodones don't do anything for me, but he said he couldn't give me Oxycodon because of a Texas law.  I'm not in the mood for surgery and I have to work and mow and take care of my grandpa and deal with my fence and its just alot right now, but I ask that you just say a prayer for me that God will open up doors and relieve some pain.

Overall, I'm blessed, I cant complain, just trying to praise God in the storm!

When things started to turn around...Part 2

Being away from God for 4 days, mad and angry and cursing Him has what I feel like has taken me some time to get back on track with Him.  I feel God around me, I feel Him here, but I havent heard Him.  In fact, the other day at work, I knew it was time for me to go out and do something.  I didnt know if it was to visit another church, go to Sunday school or a month ago, my grandpas church told me that I would be good at teaching the children.  I didnt really pray about it, but I started to pray that night.

I felt like at that moment God put it on my heart and wanted me to visit a website.  I went and wrote down some times for Sunday school and I went......by myself.  I was excited, I was at peace and I even joked with some of the people up there.  They were all ages, alot around my age and I even knew a girl in the class.  I had a couple of men come up to me and they just swore up and down that we met before, but I know they just seen me around.

I actually went to the class the last day of their session.  It ended up being something I needed to hear about evil in our lives.  After we watched this short video, we broke up into 2 groups and we sat around and we could share a part of our lives where someone did us wrong and we were struggling to either learn to forgive, in the process of forgiving or have forgiven and praising that person in their happiness.

I wanted to share the story of my ex husband, but during the time, I listened to everyone talk.  Some talked about their mother, their step father, their father, someone got attacked as a young age and still struggled to fully forgive.  They were about to close and asked one last time if anyone wanted to share anything and I knew that was my moment.

I talked about me being married and how I had forgiven my ex husband.  How he cheated on me and left me and how he could possibly be facing some health issues, that I have never disclosed on this blog as of yet.  I shared how I felt like I needed to be there for him and wanted to be there for him since I have gone through some similar issues with my health.  I wanted to be there because hes my friend, because I can relate and because I no longer hold any anguish towards him, but I have forgiven him whole heartldly and I care for him and his well being.  I told the group, that even though I have gone through the process of forgiving my ex husband, I feel he hasnt fully forgivin himself, and so I told them, we never know when forgiving someone, what their walk is like or what they are struggling for what they have done.

One of the ladies who was upset over her situation, instantly started reading a scripture on our paper and I knew in my heart, someone or alot of them in the circle, in that moment needed to hear that disclousure. The whole time I sat there wanting to share my forgiveness towards my ex husband, it never dawned on me what that other person that we are trying to forgive, is going through.  I think it makes us look at the whole situation a little different.  How many times have you done something wrong, said something wrong and regreted it?  Whether your pride didnt want to say sorry, but you still lived with it and felt bad, or you never got to see that person again, the truth is, we all have feelings and we all do things we regret in some way.  I think when we are the person that gets the pain, the heartbreak, the abandonment or attack, we do take it personal, but we need to just hand it over to God, because God knows each and everyones heart and knows whether or not they are truly sorry or just dont care.  I know its hard and sometimes later down the road the anger or hurt comes back and you feel that pain all over again, but its when we need to learn to just hand it back over to God.

When I started to write this, I really wasnt expecting it to be about what I learned in Sunday School or what happened in my circle.  I have been really confused lately on what Gods plan and purpose is, since I sometimes feel like God dangled my future in front of me and now Im standing in what I feel in a field with no direction or not knowing where to take the next step.  I mentioned before that I havent heard God and I honestly think thats whats best right now, because I am listening, but I need to deal with some things before I take the next step.

God has revealed some issues I need to work on before I can move forward.  I mentioned in my blog back in March over some of the things God wanted me to work on, such as selfishness, insecurities and etc., but these things that I feel He has revealed to me the past few days, are much rooted to who I am.  These are things that I dont even know where to begin to start changing or thinking differently, but only God and my wanting too change, is the only way this will work.

While I was mad at God, I really felt like I needed to feel mad.  I felt like that was a real emotion, a real feeling, and I needed to feel that.  I needed to get mad and get angry and still realize and want that my heart wants Gods will, even if I dont understand.  I was raised to not be mad at God, but I feel that is wrong.  I found an app on my phone, "Mad at God", and realized, Im not the only one.  Job, Moses, and David in the Bible all got mad at God and yet loved Him and served Him.  I needed my breaking point.  I now feel as if Im on the right track to where Im supposed to be.  Before, I was so close to God, but I was on Rachels time table and now I feel like Im on Gods time table.  Its a struggle, because I keep having to hand it over to God, but I will keep doing that till, I finally get tired of it and realize it was never in my control in the first place.

The truth of the matter is, there is a reason why I am going through this.  There is a reason why I feel like God showed me who my husband was going to be and took him away.  It could be we both arnt ready and God is molding us into the man and woman we asked to be, maybe Hes getting us ready so we can be that wife and husband before we get married to have a successful marriage.  It could be, we were in each others lives for a season to show us our faults.  I don't know, but God does, but the only thing I struggle with, with God, is I know in my heart what God told me about Brian, it wasn't the enemy, it wasn't me thinking that, I know, 100%, no doubt, and I still have a wall up with God on trusting Him that it will come to pass, since now looks like the impossible.  I know everyone has free will, but I believe that God is the all knowing God and He knows what tomorrow holds and what next week or year holds.  He knows which path we are going to take whether it be the straight and narrow or the path to destruction.  So in my heart I feel that when God told me that Brian was going to be my husband, He knew that later down the road Brian was going to separate himself, so I feel God wouldn't of lied if he knew the plan that he was going to take.  This is about me and God and understanding what the future holds.  I'm trying to just live each day as the best I can, serving Him and trying to listen to the next walk and path that He has for me. 


Look for part 3

When things started to turn around... Part 1

[I wrote this a week or so ago, and they will be in sections as I write and walk away and come back and sit down and days past.........you will see God working in my life as it gets confusing.....]


I don't want to sit here and say that I'm perfect, because I'm not.  Alot of people look at me as this strong Christian woman and at times, I feel the complete opposite of that.  I cant say what possessed me or what happened, or if was just my human self.........but the worst happened, that ended me up in the ER.


I was in my lowest moment in a long time.  I got mad at Brian, got mad at God, got mad at my whole life.  I wanted to escape it, I wanted to rebel. I was with my friend at her favorite place in the world, the Ranger Ballpark.  I always have a great time and we always make memories.  This time was different.  I was there to have fun and make memories, but my mind was so far off that the enemy got a hold of me and he hugged me tight.  I was so bitter and mad at God, I didn't understand, here I was again I felt like in the same spot.  I felt like God lied to me.

I might get sidetracked writing this because I have so much to say and I'm on my lunch break, in fact I have been waiting for 5 hours to write, its ready to pour out of me.

I was mad at God.  I was mad because I felt like he lied to me.  I went over and over everything that I felt last August and September.  Brian walked into my life when I was 100% content with life and not needing anyone other than God to satisfy me.  They always say when your not looking is when they walk in.  The truth is, I didn't want to be with Brian, I didn't want to be with anyone and yet, God still kept him there.  After a few weeks of getting to know each other and hanging out, Brian asked me to pray about us, for God to either open or close the door, because I'm sure he was tired of me just lolly gagging, because that's what I was doing.  I agreed and the next morning, I woke up and said a simple prayer......"Lord, if anything was to come out of this, I pray that you either open or close the door".  A few hours later, my friend texts me and tells me that God laid on her heart that this Brian guy was going to my future husband.  I remember thinking how crazy is that, because she never met him or really heard me talk about him and I remember a tear going down my cheek.

A week or so later, God reminded me of a list I carried with me in my purse for almost 3 years that I wrote what I wanted my next husband to be and forgot it was there.  I had added 3 more and those were I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam and Brian's name is Brian Allen, and I wanted to marry a Baptist and I wanted his parents to be Baptist and still married.  Brian was everything but one thing off that list.  Later that night, I met up with Brian and I handed him the list and walked away.  He asked me where I was going and I just told him to read the list.  He read it and smiled and later told me, that was the night God told him I was the one.....if I look back I can see where that was the night I knew he was the one, but I was still in denial and that's why I walked away.

Brian knew that my heart had a wall up to the moon from my past hurts.  God slowly started tearing those walls down and I was quickly trying to build them back up.  God was faster at tearing them down.  I prayed for over a month to see if Brian was the one and the more I got to know him and go with him to church as he taught his class the more God told me and revealed to me that this was the man I was going to marry.  In fact, I was so sure and at peace, that's why I started to plan a wedding so fast.  Why I am saying all this, is because I have been asked if I really "heard God" in this.  I'm also saying this, is because this is what I'm reminded of, when I look around and Brian isn't here.  I don't understand.  I got mad at God.  I felt like He lied to me.......

I'm also reminded of my ex boyfriend Cass.  I bring him in the mix of this because, the whole relationship was in sin.  I was committing adultery with him and I fell in love with him during the process.  I wanted so bad for Cass and I to be meant to be, that I ignored the Holy Spirit......the same spirit that told me that he was NOT the one, over and over and over again, that I told Cass everyday, because I felt convicted.

The same spirit, that told me that Brian IS the one, that the man I didn't even want to be with.......I listened, I listened and heard the Holy Spirit in both instances.

If I am hearing wrong, then I need to step back and reevaluate.  I will admit that I sometimes hear wrong, sometimes its me, or the enemy.  Sometimes things I say does not happen.  This is something I KNOW I felt and 4 other people around me felt, going into prayer.  Can we all hear wrong?  Of course......but what are really the odds......???

So back to the Ranger game....I got really mad a day before that.  I had to cut him and his family out of my life so I could focus on God, because I could then tell that I was going far backwards.  At the game, we brought in a couple of drinks.....my friend didn't drink hers....so I did.  I purposefully got drunk, which isn't like me.  While the game ended and we were walking out, I was drunk, I couldn't see straight, I looked up and yelled, "EFF you God", (but the real word) "I don't need you".  Its exactly how I felt, which by the way was the most scariest feeling ever!!!!

I couldn't shake it, I felt so ashamed with every inch of myself.  I didn't understand.  It wasn't about Brian, It was my relationship with God.  Whether or not, Brian and I end up, had nothing to do with it.  It had to do with what I feel or hear from God in the future, how am I going to know if I don't trust God?

God could of told me that a dog was going to be mine, so I go out and get it a dog house, food, clothes, chew bone, etc, and the dog runs away, I'm going to be confused.  I'm going to be let down and doubtful and wondering why in the world, God told me that.

Now people say that God can change his mind if us humans don't do what we are supposed too.  That's where I feel gets tricky, because God knows everything and He knows the choices we are going to make BEFORE we do them.  I couldn't in my right mind, understand or feel like God would tell me that Brian is the one, KNOWING that Brian later down the road is going to change his mind and have no desire to ever be with me.  I just don't feel that's how God works.

Now do I know if Brian and I are going to be together or not?  I don't know, I don't know what the future holds, but this post isn't about that.  Its really about my walk with the Lord and how I have been struggling.  I just want people to know and understand that me personally, I have breaking points too.

I needed to share it all so you reading this, could get the whole picture of why I feel like God lied to me.  I know scripture says, its impossible for God to lie and I do believe that, I just have been having a hard time understanding this situation.










I have gotten closer to the Lord the past 24 hours.  I still feel weak in some areas, because I don't understand.  I feel myself slipping and my old thoughts coming back and I have been fighting those off alot.  My slipping and going backwards came so fast that I didn't even have a chance to grasp what was going on.  This started Tuesday and here it is Saturday and I felt like that was a month or two of separation from God.  After drinking so much, I ended up in the emergency room from throwing up for 5 hours.  I slept all day Thursday......so how can God use me if that's what I'm doing????  This isn't me......These behaviours are not me at all.  I'm very ashamed of myself, but at the same time, I felt like I needed to go through this, because today as I have studied in books and Gods word, I'm not ready!!  I'm not ready to be in a relationship.  It sucks to say it, because I'm 28 years old and I'm not ready, but that's the truth!!!

God has alot of work to do in my life and on me yet.  For all I know it takes a month, for all I know it takes a year.  I don't know and I'm not going to try and figure it out.  I read in a book that I need to be in the waiting with God and myself.  I need to wait on Him and work inward in my life, spiritually, so I can be that wife and mother that I know I am created to be.  I know I will make one man a blessed man, because I will be able to see him as Christ sees him, with his flaws and everything else.  I have looked deep down and there are a couple of things that I need to really work on, before I move forward. 




Look for part 2

Therapy

 [I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]

I started to go to counseling to face some issues that I have with past trials and situations.  The first time I went to therapy, I had a woman and we didn't click.  I had no emotion talking to her and she gave me no good feed back.  She was late the first time and the next time I was supposed to meet with her, I get a phone call to ask if I could change the time.  I knew then on the phone, I needed to switch people and go with the original guy that was recommended to me in the first place.

I saw him  and within 2 minutes of talking to him, I started to get teary-eyed.  He noticed it and asked me what made my emotions get stirred up.  I honestly didn't understand why I got so emotional.  I thought that I had gotten over the situation with my mother, but I think its something that I will always carry, because each and every new chapter of my life, I wish she was here to help me and give me advice and just smile at me and tell me shes proud of me. 

We talked about alot of my life's ups and downs, to my mother and then to my most recent with Brian.  Of course the first session, was just a brief of what hes getting himself into.  He told me that usually he allows 4 sessions before getting into the deep stuff, but then said, "I don't think its going to be that many."  I told him I had issues and he said, we all do, we just need to work on coping with them.  He gave me this amazing homework assignment that's going to take me months or years to do, but its for me and in turn will benefit me and my book.  He also told me some awesome advice that I will carry with me.  He told me a story and I just smiled, because its exactly what I was going to do with Brian, if we get another second chance of what some lady did to her husband.

I had a connection with this man.  He calls people out, he tells you things to do to better yourself and I felt really comfortable talking to him.  I think because I talk to so many women, we all have the same mentality for the most part, but I respect a mans opinion and I think its because they think different than we do.

All growing up, I have worked with women, had a mother, and of course have my girl friends.  We all think men are weird and complicated and I know that men think the same about us.  So when I can get into a conversation with a man, I feel as if my mind and thinking is opened up to a broader perspective.

I think this is exactly what I need and I feel as if God stirred me into this direction and have opened up doors that I never thought of.  He is also a Christian and believes in God and gave me Godly advice.  I'm working on a brand new me, so everybody watch out!!!!!  I might just touch your life in some way with my story!!! :)



April 10, 2014


I went to therapy again today and my therapist read out of the Bible.  You cant get a better therapist than that!!!  I'm reading a book called "Becoming the woman God wants me to be" and its a 90 day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life.  He wanted to break it down with each verse (21 of them) to determine what kind of woman I really need to be.  After we went through each and every verse, breaking it down, looking up meanings he said, "Wow, your going to be a remarkable woman when you reach it".  I told him that it was do-able with Gods help and he agreed.

When I prayed the prayer for God to mold me into the woman he wants me to be, God has been amazing at helping me achieve that goal. God has been opening up doors for me and guiding me through this life and I am honestly thankful for this time. 

Being Used

3-28-14
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.] 

I pray almost daily to be used.  I was sitting down talking to my grandpa earlier on how I'm striving to please God in every areas of my life.  I had 5 text messages, but never looked at them because I was talking to my grandpa.  When I got done talking, I looked at my text messages and saw this:

Finding God gives me hope, when at times all hope was lost.  We don't know God, until we seek Him.  You have shown me things, that makes my pursuit of God that much greater.  God made you beauty, and faith and to help when we don't understand.  If we never talked again, I want you to take comfort in that when your down or sad that you at least changed my life for the good.  Your one woman I will never forget for the rest of my life.
 
 It was just reassurance that I am doing what God wants me to do and all I'm doing is sharing the knowledge that I know and praying for people.  I feel at times that its not really doing anything, but I'm on fire!!! I'm fire for the Lord and I'm ready and willing to be used.  Alot of time when I speak, I have nothing to say and then my mouth opens up and words come out and I know that's the Lord doing the work.

I needed to hear that today to know that even when sometimes I'm not doing anything or I'm just simply speaking something that I already know, it might just be what someone needs to hear.  I want my readers who are reading this to see and understand that you just never know when you might be able to touch someone in some way, with just a prayer or a simple hello.  I pray daily for people to see Jesus in me and I hope I can be that woman that God can use and so people can see Jesus.  I don't want to be scared to speak or claim my Savior in front of anyone.  My goal on this earth is to please God and I know I will fail Him daily, but just know that God is of mercy and grace!!

Maturity

 3-23-14
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]

Today in church, the preacher talked about Maturity.  He read out of James 1 and even though it was mostly about kids, it was about adults too.    I know right now, this season of my life is to grow in Christ and find out who I am.  Funny thing is, is I was sitting in church and realized after Mark left, I thought I found out who I was.  I can say, I did find out who I am as an individual and now God is molding me spiritually.  These things I'm working on are my inner spiritual self and also I'm working on my outward appearance.  I don't know if its to make me more confident, but I always have felt that I will speak in front of people, either my testimony or over a certain subject.

I struggle.  Its an everyday up and down and I know that over time, I will conquer it with Gods help.  The enemy realizes what I'm doing and is always speaking those sweet nothings in my ear to try and put fear and doubt in my mind.  I have started reading a book 'Battelfield of the Mind', by Joyce Meyers and one chapter talks about worry.  I think I pretty much highlighted the whole chapter.  It was me!!!!  Joyce struggled with almost the same things as me.  I have realized I'm addicted to worrying.  Even when I have nothing to worry about, I will find something, non-intentional, its just its all I know, but its wrong.  Scripture says to not worry about anything and to just trust God whole heartledly.  Deep down, I don't want to worry, I want to enjoy this short life of mine and I KNOW that worrying wont fix ANYTHING!  Most of the time I worry about things that never will even happen.

I realized the other day, that I'm used to being in the middle of a storm and when I'm not, I'm looking for the clouds to be brewing.  Its sad.....God gives me a time of rest and peace and I need to soak it up and enjoy it! I pray everyday for God to show me what I need to know and teach me what I need to learn.  He amazes me!!!  This is my season to learn.

Something that makes me teary eyed with happy tears, is I feel that God is prepping me to share my testimony, Hes getting me ready to be used in a great deal.  I feel as if I'm maturing from a child into an adult in my spiritual walk.  Its just begun and I don't know how long its going to take, but I know I need to stay focused so I wont delay the process.  I also realize that I never will be matured all the way, I know its something that I will work on till the day I leave this earth, but just the past month, God has laid on my heart to be the woman after His heart.  I want to be molded and used, God has done so many wonderful things in my life.  He has rescued me and held me in each storm.  I want Gods will done in my life!

My mother

{I wrote this blog back in March......since Mothers Day is around the corner, I thought now would be the best time to share this.}


I knew that I had issues, but little did I know how deep they really are.  It all goes back to my mother dieing.  In therapy, I broke down crying within 2 minutes when mentioning my mom.  Later he asked me where would I like to start, back to my mom or to my current situation.  My natural thought was my mother.  I didn't understand and I told him that.  I don't think about my mom everyday and I don't mourn for her everyday, so I didn't understand why mentioning my mother, it brought me to tears and I was sad.  Yes, I miss my mother, Yes, I wish she was still here, but shes not and Ive gone almost 13 years without her. 

I know I could use her right now and I wish she could give me her advice.  I wish she could of met Brian, because I knew she would of loved him and would of approved.  Can possibly all my deep core issues all be because of my mother?

When I look back at what my mom went through and sitting in the floor at the Doctors office as my mom laughs about getting 5 inch needles in her stomach to drain fluid off, I knew she laughed because I can imagine the look on my face.  For some reason I remember that day and they filled up 3 or 4 milk size gallons of just fluid.  At 15, I didn't want to see my mom go through that and she tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but it was still hard.  At that age, I knew it didn't feel good and I couldn't of even imagined.

I also remember the day I told my mom it was okay for her to die.  I remember being so mad at God for not healing my mother and my mom didn't want me mad at God, so she told me that shes going to pray for me and asked me to pray about the situation.  I prayed to God within the week and told Him, I didn't want to be mad, but please heal my mother.  After a week or so, I remember pacing back and forth in my room and I felt like God laid it on my heart to tell my mother that.  I knew it wasn't for me, but maybe comfort for my mom, because I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed too.  I walked into the living room crying and my mom was sitting there watching TV.  She asked me what was wrong and I told her that it was okay for her to die.  She started to cry and I told her, I'm not mad at God anymore.  She told me she saw a difference in me and we just sat there crying.  I can remember so many times in the 2 years my mom was battling with cancer, that we would just cry together.  I wanted my mom to be there when I graduated, I wanted her to be there at my wedding, I wanted her to be there when I have a baby.  I need my mothers advice and I would of loved to see her as a grandma and her help me figure what I'm doing with a newborn and all the stages they are going to go through.  I wont get to experience any of that.  I sometimes feel like I'm alone in this world, but God has blessed me with so many women who have taken a motherly role in my life, but its not the same.

I get disappointed in people when they are so mean to their parents.  I also get really jealous when they have them and I see a happy family.  Its like the little I did have, I didn't get to keep.  I do have my grandpa and hes an amazing man and I don't even want to think about the day that he leaves this earth, I hope the rapture comes!!!!

I don't want this blog to sound like "oh poor me", cause its not.  Alot of people have their parents to back them up or to go to when they have a problem, or just want to sit down and talk.  They have them on holidays and occasions and they are so blessed.  My life is blessed too and I'm very grateful for what I do have, but I do miss that mother, daughter bonding.

Losing a parent at a young age, heck......any age is hard.  With me, my mom didn't get to watch me get older, graduate, comfort me during cancer, see me go on my first date, walk me down the aisle, go through divorce, comfort me with the loss of my babies or even deal with my craziness everyday.

I wish my mother could see me now.  I wish I could talk to her for just 30 minutes and get some advice or encouragement, or even just a "I'm proud of you and the woman you have became".  I think people would be surprised at how much I try to do the right thing, because I still feel like I need to make my mother proud.  My mom told me all the time that I was a good kid, a typical teenager, and her best friend.  My mother was a mother before a friend, but she made it easy to talk too and she also had, "the look".  I remember when I was 15, she gave me, "the look" and I laughed, I told her it didn't work anymore, that I was taller than her and I knew what she was trying to do.  She laughed and said, "Well, then behave".  My mom sacrificed so much for me.  She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be confident, she supported me in my sports, she spoilt me rotten.

My mother was also a very Godly woman.  She brought me up with morals and values that I still treasure to this day.  My mother was a single parent, got pregnant out of wedlock, but it never stopped her to still teach me the right way, Gods way.  She never put pressure on me to strive to be the best at everything.  She wanted me to try but she knew I would fail at some things.  She didn't care what I did when I grew up, as long as I was happy and it wasn't illegal or if it didn't hurt anyone.  My mom never pushed college on me, but never opposed either.  My mom was honestly the smartest woman I know.  She was book smart, street smart and she had perfect credit.  I remember my mom telling me months before she passed, "To get far in life, its not about the money, its about your credit, so strive to have good or great credit".  Good advice mom!!!!!  My mom walked out with a new car with nothing down, single mother, a car for her 15 year old, because of her credit!

I never had anyone come up to me and say something negative about my mother.  My mother was very strong, God fearing and protective person.  I realized that growing up watching my mom be this way, to protect her child, it actually kind of did me harm while I grew up.

Growing up I saw a woman who took care of herself, protected her family, was strong willed and I had to follow her rules.  I didn't get to see partnership in a marriage and the small fights and struggles that happens between a man and a woman.  I know in my first marriage, I took on a role that wasn't mine.  I know my mom was just doing her best and trying to raise a child on her own as she supported me and she did a great job.  Now that I'm adult, I can see how I didn't get to watch a successful marriage work, so I could have something to compare too.

Lately I have been asking and praying to God to mold me into the woman and wife he wants me to be.  I'm starting to see and realize how a marriage really works and when God prepares me for that day, I know I will take my information and apply it to my relationship.  I also have been asking alot of my friends who are married, the man and the woman, and when I hear struggle stories or they tell me what may happen behind close doors, just reminds me that we are human, but then they tell me what they are doing to overcome it, and its all about God and both people coming together to work on the situation.

I never asked my mom if she wanted to get married and if I did, I don't remember or her answer.  I think my mom always knew that she was going to be single.

I do miss my mother and I know one day I will see her.  We all have our struggles and I'm eager to see what my therapy says and what will get brought up concerning my mom.

I always write and then I stop and then I pick my writing back up on days that I have more to say.  I wrote the above weeks ago and today is a different day.  I have realized that I will never get over my mother 100%.  Each chapter that opens up and I'm happy or sad, I would want my mother there so its a like different mourn for each chapter.  When I get married I will mourn a little because shes not there.  When I get pregnant, I will mourn, because shes not there.  When I give birth, I will mourn because shes not there and so on.  Sometimes I do pray for God to give me a dream with her in it, just saying something that I need to hear.  It hasn't happened yet, but I know the time I need it the most, I hope God allows it to happen.

May 9, 2014

My mother was an amazing woman.  She is the reason I am the person today, take it as a good thing or a bad thing.  As Mother's Day approaches, I will be reminded of her and the fact that I'm a mother.  It hurts me more than alot of people reading this will realize, my mother helping me to become a mother when its my time to have a little one.  I know her purpose on this earth was done at the age of 42, but wish I had more time. 

This time of the year isn't the best for me.  I have babies in heaven, I have 3 little precious ones.  God needed them more than I did, but I was so blessed to have them be a part of me.  When someone asks you if you have kids or if your a mother, what do you say?  I cant deny my babies, so I tell them, I have 3 in heaven.  I know it makes it awkward, but I cant say no.  When this day comes,  I'm a mother, but no kids here, some people don't count that.  I get overlooked.......some people close to me will recognize it, but the people that should, normally don't, and it hurts deep down.  I held my baby, I saw my babies heartbeat, I saw the 2 pink lines 2 times.  Adam William went to be with the Lord at 6 weeks, Mark Jr at 13 weeks and my Baby Love girl with my ectopic pregnancy.  I know my mom is taking care of them in Heaven, playing with them, telling them all about their crazy, but loving mother.  Sometimes when I think of Heaven, I think of my mom and my babies, before Jesus and them alone is the reason why sometimes when I'm on this earth feeling down and alone, I cant wait to get there.  I know there is a purpose for all of this and I'm not going to give up, because I know I have alot of work still left on this planet.  I just wish now it was a better time for me.

I do hope that every mother out there hugs their babies tight on Mothers Day and be blessed for what God has blessed you with and if your reading this, go hug your momma!!!  If your like me that your mother went to go be with the Lord or maybe your mother wasnt in your life......I know theres a woman out there that has taken you in as a momma, go hug her and tell her shes a wonderful woman!!! 

Happy Mothers Day!!!