I slept good last night. I went to bed with a sense of peace and fell asleep to the movie Fireproof. If you have never watched it, I would recommend it. I woke up, realize where my life was at this point with Brian and I, and some of the stress started pouring in. I can definitely say that I'm going through the motions. I got ready for work and prayed the whole time. I even made me a prayer box where I stick all my prayers in, the big ones and even the small ones that I know I need to pray for daily and sometimes forget. I hold my box and ask God to answer the prayers in my box and the prayers that are on my heart.
Something happened at work today, I realized something. What if Brian and I never do get back together? I know I will be okay, Brian will be okay. I know God would have to really talk to me and show me something, because I never felt like someone was more the one for me, ever in my life. I got confirmations from the very beginning, things I cant explain that showed me "this is the man". I think with that, I knew we were meant to be, so I didn't have to worry about us not ever being together. This is my wake up call. Everything seemed to be so minor then. A semi big wedding? I don't even care about that. I would love to get married at the venue, have a semi small gathering and us whisk off unto the honeymoon. I would love to know that God gave me this man and I'm standing before him taking a vow to marry him for better or for worse. We have argued more and more over this wedding and the finances that I know it has dampened our relationship and it never should have and that's my fault. I guess I didn't listen to what Brian wanted until the day he was leaving and told me what he really wanted for a wedding. Why would I not want to make him happy? Then theres the ring. That doesn't define our love for each other, why did I make it such a big deal? I'm mad at myself for not feeling this way or realizing these things before.
You know, maybe Brian and I arnt made to be.......I don't know.....I don't feel that way. Maybe this was a wake up call to me to look and see the important things in life. You would think that I might of learned something like that already. This time could be just us stepping back and slowing down so we can hear God more easily. I can say, that's exactly what has happened to me. I love hearing God and him showing me and placing in my heart certain things. I hope God and Brian gives me a second chance to make this relationship more Christ centered.
One thing that bothers me is some people have been asking me if this is something that I just want to feel, and maybe I don't want to be alone, maybe I have made up this answer in my head. I can say with every inch of my being (and theres alot of inches), THAT'S WRONG!!! My heart pours out that this is the man I'm supposed to marry. In fact Ive been in a relationship where I knew the man wasn't for me and I told people that all the time, even when I was in the relationship. I knew.....cause that's what my heart told me. I also know that I will keep fighting just like off of Fireproof till God says, "its over".
I fought for my marriage when I didn't really want to fight, but that's what God wanted me to do, so I did it. I did try.....I prayed, wrote letters, gave him a book, I tried to do everything I knew I could while he was away living with his girlfriend.. I have no regrets. Then months went by and God simply laid on my heart and prepared me for divorce. I know during that time that God was working on me to fight and to be the wife I needed to be, was the same time that God was working on Mark. The wonderful thing about God, is that he doesn't force us to do anything. He gives us free will. Mark made his choice and I was set free and at peace to move forward.
I don't know who is 100% right at this moment. I can sit here and say without a doubt that I still feel the fight in me and that Brian is the one that God has given me. It could change in a day, a minute or in 2 weeks. I do pray to be revealed and it placed on my heart for him not to be if that's Gods will.
I have to admit something and this is going to be very confusing for me to say this. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I feel at peace. I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel not good enough. I feel like a failure. I feel defeated. I feel happy. I feel comforted. I feel alone. I feel all kinds of emotions. Its like, I'm at peace because everything is going to be okay, but I feel scared because its out of my hands and I'm scared one of us is going to make the wrong decision.
One thing I think if Brian and I stayed together is I think it would be a good idea if we started over. Going on random dates, picking me up, dropping me off. Not talking about the future so much but just enjoying and getting to know each other more. I feel as if we rushed so fast and I don't think we did it intentionally, I just know I did because it felt right. I knew this was the man I was going to marry, so why not. I think that's a major part in the past 6 months is the fact that we have had it so rough because we didn't enjoy the basics. We argued because we didn't know each other good enough and get to know each other before making big choices. I wish I could go back and just take things slow, but I cant. I hope it doesn't bite me in the butt. I know I cant go back and change things but I can change right here, right now and that's myself with God. He hears my heart, it cries out to Him. I hope and pray that His will be done in my life.
Something else I'm reminded of is what my friend told me the other day, that I'm in a transformation time in my life. I can see me being transformed and I can feel the change within myself. I don't know who's reading this because I'm not posting it on facebook for people to read, but I don't want me to come across as me saying everything to win Brian over. If Brian and I honestly had another chance at things, these are the things I would tell him.
* We need to start over, as 2 young kids having fun, going to Six Flags, going on dates
* We need to not talk about the future until we both feel ready
* We should pray together more and pray for each other more
* I know I'm going to stop asking a million and one questions and simply give them up to the Lord.
* I want us to be used fully to the lengths of what our spiritual talents and gifts can offer and we both support each other in the meantime
I'm sure there are more, but God was preparing me with some of those even before we had our separation. Please say a prayer whoever is reading this that God will open up both of our hearts that we may feel the same towards each other.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Diary: Day 1
I think its ironic that I just wrote the blog called "Relationships", and now my relationship is being held by a string. I honestly have no clue why everything changed so fast. I'm standing here confused, numb and wondering what lesson I'm supposed to be learning during this time.
I'm not blaming anyone, but if I did, I would blame myself. I'm not perfect, I do have alot of issues from my past relationships and even the storms that have been in my life. I guess you can say I kind of am always waiting on that next storm since I feel as if I have alot. In fact every 3 years. At age 16 my mother died, 19 I got cancer, 22 I miscarried my twins, 25 my husband left and here I am, age 28.....this could be my storm, losing the man that I feel in my heart is the man that God has given me.
I'm a tough cookie......what I mean by tough cookie is I'm difficult to deal with. My mind races all the time, I always have a million and one questions, I'm doubtful and pessimistic. Then theres the other side, which has faith and trust in the Lord and that with every wrong or bad thing, is always a good thing and a lesson to be learned.
This post wont be posted just yet. In fact I'm using it as a diary, because I just want to pour my heart out and my emotions. Monday I had a really bad day. In fact, I posted on facebook that it was going to be a long day and I hope its a good one. I also, was 9 minutes early to work that morning and so a good song came on and I drove around until the song went over and prayed the entire time to have a good day. Brian and I were fine, actually I felt more close to him than I have the entire relationship at that moment in my life. Church the day before was amazing and I can say it was magical, I had this calm about us and myself that I was ready to find a church home together.
So I worked and everything was fine. Driving home from work, every person that was on the road was driving extremely slow and for some reason it drove me insane, because I still needed to get something to eat and get ready for my next job. When I got home and talked to Brian, everything was great. The night before, Brian and I talked on the phone about planning our weekend and getting some things done. I was stressing out thinking we wont get everything done, because I like to plan ahead and have everything organized. Brian calmed me down and told me he would help with calling the churches to see about looking at our wedding. I had asked him if he didn't want too, it was okay, that I could do it and he reminded me that it was fine and he would do it the next morning, which this was Sunday night. I talked to Brian after work when he was on break Monday and he never mentioned about calling the churches, so I asked him. He told me he didn't call, but not to worry, cause he will get it done. I know this might sound like I'm a B word, but to be honest, in that moment, I felt a ton of emotions. I felt that it wasn't important to him, I felt as if he lied to me (not purposeful), I felt unloved, I felt as if my stress didn't mean anything and therefore he didn't care about me. Looking back, I know and even during that time, I knew in my heart those wernt the things at all. I have been trying to open myself and letting God work in me so I can submit to Brian and in that moment I struggled with, "How can I submit to a man who cant do what he says hes going to do?". The devil was after me big time that day. I couldn't let it go, I was a jerk all day to him about it. I honestly though, felt hurt. God has been working on us and in me so much that I honestly feel the devil got a hold of me and maybe even Brian and wants to ruin something that I FEEL is brought from God.+
This is where I am going to look even more worse than what Ive already said. Brian tells me that night that he has some family issues and that he needs to get up early to be with his family. My selfishness thinks, well you couldn't get up early to take 5 minutes to call someone, but you can easily get up early for something else. Don't get me wrong.....it has and never had to do with anything with the family. It was my selfishness getting in the way of feeling not important. I dont know why I need to feel important to someone. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm an only child and that my mother lived and breathed me because I was her only baby and she was a single mother. I can honestly sit here and say, right now.......I have to grow up!!! If Brian and I never end up together, I will take this lesson and apply it to the next man, if God has someone for me. In any situation, I honestly try to grow and learn with each mistake that I do and for it not repeat itself. I also feel like I can push and push someone away and when they finally go, its a wake up call of how I have been acting.
So that night I call Brian and was bawling on the phone, because I still felt so hurt. I don't know if my new medicine had me all jacked up, if it was simply I felt hurt, or if it was the devil just attacking me left and right or something else. I didn't understand and I had Brian come over to talk, because I needed him there for support and deep down I wanted to be there for him the next morning with his family. I again was selfish and took him away from his sleep to comfort me. I needed to feel important and it was wrong. He told me that night he feels God closing the door on us. I never, have never and still don't feel that way. I was shocked and scared. The Sunday before we was wonderful and even sat down to talk about buckling down to find a church. The week before we finally picked out the ring and looked at flowers to budget for. I didn't understand......I was scared.
Tuesday comes and I go to work. I'm stressing out, scared that Brian and I might not be together. I sat in a room separate from everyone else and prayed. I talked to a few Christians up at work and said they would pray for us. About midway that night, I went to the restroom. I was alone and I simply said this, " Lord I want your will done in my life". In that moment, I was reminded of something. I had prayed the prayer the week before, for God to break my heart for what breaks His. In one second, everything came pouring in and I had this huge overwhelming peace that everything was going to be okay. I was breaking Gods heart, because I wasn't allowing Brian to use his spiritual gifts and talents. I was preventing a man of being used by my Heavenly Father over my selfish needs, fears, and desires. The truth is, I didn't even realize I was doing that. In fact, I never want to interfere with God and His plan. I went back to the room and even told one of the Christian ladies what I just felt. I smiled and the rest of the night was burden free, I was at peace. I saw Brian more and more as my future husband and I knew what I needed to do to help him be the man that God has made him to be. I knew what kind of woman I needed to be, for God and for Brian.
The next day, I went out with my friend and we talked and I was still at peace, but still wasn't sure where Brian stood, since we wernt going to talk for a few days and see if God changed anyones hearts. From the overwhelming peace that I had the night before, I knew that everything was going to be okay. Though in my heart I also knew that we were going to still have some time apart. I kept feeling 2 weeks, but to be honest, pushed that down, cause I was scared. Brian comes over that night and I'm still at peace. He seemed calm and I knew that it all was going to be okay. He then spoke and told me he knows I'm not the one for him and that this relationship was over. I sat there, numb, confused. There was no doubt that I knew what I felt the night before in that bathroom. In fact I had 8 other people confirm and feel that we are meant to be. I didn't understand. I had no words, what was going on? Who was listening wrong? We have the same God, how can we be so sure and it be completely opposite? I told him everything that I felt and what happened and when I looked at Brian, I felt as if he had a wall up. I could be wrong, this is me talking through my eyes and my feelings. I know Brian had alot going on with his family and I thought maybe he couldn't do it all. I thought maybe I was too much and he was done trying. I thought, maybe I was listening wrong or heard wrong. I thought maybe he was just tired of me and this relationship, so the best and easiest way is to walk away. I told Brian about the 2 weeks that I had felt during the day. He told me, he wouldn't mind giving it 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changes. I know myself and all day on day 1, I was starting to doubt because I was scared of being rejected, or trying for 2 weeks and it just still be a no. I admit, I wasn't having faith, I was giving up because I didn't want too bad of a broken heart. Then I was reminded that, that's exactly what I prayed for. I prayed for a broken heart and I now need to try and figure out what I need to learn during this time.
I don't blame Brian. If he really feels this way, I cant change him. I talked to a few friends that night and one of them told me something exactly what I needed to hear. I cant fix Brian. I cant sit here and change his mind by worrying what hes thinking. Right now, I need to focus on myself and what God is doing in MY life. I cant worry about what God is doing in Brian's life. I felt like it was deja vu from when my first husband left. This time, I have more of a clear mind and my friend was right. I left their house and was at peace. They reminded me that my story is already written and I shouldn't have to worry about it, because I cant change it.
I still feel 100% that Brian is the man that God has for me. I can honestly say that I have prayed and prayed for God to change my heart if he wasn't. I can honestly also sit here and say that I'm a changed woman. I'm not perfect, I will still mess up and be annoying at times, but I also know what I need to do. I don't know if Brian and I will ever have another chance for me to prove to him the kind of woman that God has been showing me I need to be. I didn't get that chance to show my ex husband when he left. With every relationship, you have different areas you struggle with, so with this one, God has been working on me in different ways then he did with my previous one. I hope that God opens up our hearts so that we may feel the same way. I still have a fight in me, for this relationship and I will continue to fight, until God says to stop. God never gives up on me and I wont give up on us. I love him so much and now its time that I show and prove to him, the deepest of my love I actually can offer. Now its up to God to do the rest.
I'm not blaming anyone, but if I did, I would blame myself. I'm not perfect, I do have alot of issues from my past relationships and even the storms that have been in my life. I guess you can say I kind of am always waiting on that next storm since I feel as if I have alot. In fact every 3 years. At age 16 my mother died, 19 I got cancer, 22 I miscarried my twins, 25 my husband left and here I am, age 28.....this could be my storm, losing the man that I feel in my heart is the man that God has given me.
I'm a tough cookie......what I mean by tough cookie is I'm difficult to deal with. My mind races all the time, I always have a million and one questions, I'm doubtful and pessimistic. Then theres the other side, which has faith and trust in the Lord and that with every wrong or bad thing, is always a good thing and a lesson to be learned.
This post wont be posted just yet. In fact I'm using it as a diary, because I just want to pour my heart out and my emotions. Monday I had a really bad day. In fact, I posted on facebook that it was going to be a long day and I hope its a good one. I also, was 9 minutes early to work that morning and so a good song came on and I drove around until the song went over and prayed the entire time to have a good day. Brian and I were fine, actually I felt more close to him than I have the entire relationship at that moment in my life. Church the day before was amazing and I can say it was magical, I had this calm about us and myself that I was ready to find a church home together.
So I worked and everything was fine. Driving home from work, every person that was on the road was driving extremely slow and for some reason it drove me insane, because I still needed to get something to eat and get ready for my next job. When I got home and talked to Brian, everything was great. The night before, Brian and I talked on the phone about planning our weekend and getting some things done. I was stressing out thinking we wont get everything done, because I like to plan ahead and have everything organized. Brian calmed me down and told me he would help with calling the churches to see about looking at our wedding. I had asked him if he didn't want too, it was okay, that I could do it and he reminded me that it was fine and he would do it the next morning, which this was Sunday night. I talked to Brian after work when he was on break Monday and he never mentioned about calling the churches, so I asked him. He told me he didn't call, but not to worry, cause he will get it done. I know this might sound like I'm a B word, but to be honest, in that moment, I felt a ton of emotions. I felt that it wasn't important to him, I felt as if he lied to me (not purposeful), I felt unloved, I felt as if my stress didn't mean anything and therefore he didn't care about me. Looking back, I know and even during that time, I knew in my heart those wernt the things at all. I have been trying to open myself and letting God work in me so I can submit to Brian and in that moment I struggled with, "How can I submit to a man who cant do what he says hes going to do?". The devil was after me big time that day. I couldn't let it go, I was a jerk all day to him about it. I honestly though, felt hurt. God has been working on us and in me so much that I honestly feel the devil got a hold of me and maybe even Brian and wants to ruin something that I FEEL is brought from God.+
This is where I am going to look even more worse than what Ive already said. Brian tells me that night that he has some family issues and that he needs to get up early to be with his family. My selfishness thinks, well you couldn't get up early to take 5 minutes to call someone, but you can easily get up early for something else. Don't get me wrong.....it has and never had to do with anything with the family. It was my selfishness getting in the way of feeling not important. I dont know why I need to feel important to someone. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm an only child and that my mother lived and breathed me because I was her only baby and she was a single mother. I can honestly sit here and say, right now.......I have to grow up!!! If Brian and I never end up together, I will take this lesson and apply it to the next man, if God has someone for me. In any situation, I honestly try to grow and learn with each mistake that I do and for it not repeat itself. I also feel like I can push and push someone away and when they finally go, its a wake up call of how I have been acting.
So that night I call Brian and was bawling on the phone, because I still felt so hurt. I don't know if my new medicine had me all jacked up, if it was simply I felt hurt, or if it was the devil just attacking me left and right or something else. I didn't understand and I had Brian come over to talk, because I needed him there for support and deep down I wanted to be there for him the next morning with his family. I again was selfish and took him away from his sleep to comfort me. I needed to feel important and it was wrong. He told me that night he feels God closing the door on us. I never, have never and still don't feel that way. I was shocked and scared. The Sunday before we was wonderful and even sat down to talk about buckling down to find a church. The week before we finally picked out the ring and looked at flowers to budget for. I didn't understand......I was scared.
Tuesday comes and I go to work. I'm stressing out, scared that Brian and I might not be together. I sat in a room separate from everyone else and prayed. I talked to a few Christians up at work and said they would pray for us. About midway that night, I went to the restroom. I was alone and I simply said this, " Lord I want your will done in my life". In that moment, I was reminded of something. I had prayed the prayer the week before, for God to break my heart for what breaks His. In one second, everything came pouring in and I had this huge overwhelming peace that everything was going to be okay. I was breaking Gods heart, because I wasn't allowing Brian to use his spiritual gifts and talents. I was preventing a man of being used by my Heavenly Father over my selfish needs, fears, and desires. The truth is, I didn't even realize I was doing that. In fact, I never want to interfere with God and His plan. I went back to the room and even told one of the Christian ladies what I just felt. I smiled and the rest of the night was burden free, I was at peace. I saw Brian more and more as my future husband and I knew what I needed to do to help him be the man that God has made him to be. I knew what kind of woman I needed to be, for God and for Brian.
The next day, I went out with my friend and we talked and I was still at peace, but still wasn't sure where Brian stood, since we wernt going to talk for a few days and see if God changed anyones hearts. From the overwhelming peace that I had the night before, I knew that everything was going to be okay. Though in my heart I also knew that we were going to still have some time apart. I kept feeling 2 weeks, but to be honest, pushed that down, cause I was scared. Brian comes over that night and I'm still at peace. He seemed calm and I knew that it all was going to be okay. He then spoke and told me he knows I'm not the one for him and that this relationship was over. I sat there, numb, confused. There was no doubt that I knew what I felt the night before in that bathroom. In fact I had 8 other people confirm and feel that we are meant to be. I didn't understand. I had no words, what was going on? Who was listening wrong? We have the same God, how can we be so sure and it be completely opposite? I told him everything that I felt and what happened and when I looked at Brian, I felt as if he had a wall up. I could be wrong, this is me talking through my eyes and my feelings. I know Brian had alot going on with his family and I thought maybe he couldn't do it all. I thought maybe I was too much and he was done trying. I thought, maybe I was listening wrong or heard wrong. I thought maybe he was just tired of me and this relationship, so the best and easiest way is to walk away. I told Brian about the 2 weeks that I had felt during the day. He told me, he wouldn't mind giving it 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changes. I know myself and all day on day 1, I was starting to doubt because I was scared of being rejected, or trying for 2 weeks and it just still be a no. I admit, I wasn't having faith, I was giving up because I didn't want too bad of a broken heart. Then I was reminded that, that's exactly what I prayed for. I prayed for a broken heart and I now need to try and figure out what I need to learn during this time.
I don't blame Brian. If he really feels this way, I cant change him. I talked to a few friends that night and one of them told me something exactly what I needed to hear. I cant fix Brian. I cant sit here and change his mind by worrying what hes thinking. Right now, I need to focus on myself and what God is doing in MY life. I cant worry about what God is doing in Brian's life. I felt like it was deja vu from when my first husband left. This time, I have more of a clear mind and my friend was right. I left their house and was at peace. They reminded me that my story is already written and I shouldn't have to worry about it, because I cant change it.
I still feel 100% that Brian is the man that God has for me. I can honestly say that I have prayed and prayed for God to change my heart if he wasn't. I can honestly also sit here and say that I'm a changed woman. I'm not perfect, I will still mess up and be annoying at times, but I also know what I need to do. I don't know if Brian and I will ever have another chance for me to prove to him the kind of woman that God has been showing me I need to be. I didn't get that chance to show my ex husband when he left. With every relationship, you have different areas you struggle with, so with this one, God has been working on me in different ways then he did with my previous one. I hope that God opens up our hearts so that we may feel the same way. I still have a fight in me, for this relationship and I will continue to fight, until God says to stop. God never gives up on me and I wont give up on us. I love him so much and now its time that I show and prove to him, the deepest of my love I actually can offer. Now its up to God to do the rest.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Relationships
No one says that being in a relationship is easy. In fact even scripture says there will be trials and tribulations. Ive been reading a book that my good friend loaned me called, 'Love and Respect'. Its a great Christian book that I wish I read a long time ago, but God knew at this moment in my life is when it would be best beneficial for me. Brian even downloaded on his phone so he could read it, because it does talk to both sexes of the relationship.
I'm a very open and honest person. In fact, I know I am too honest sometimes, but I know God made me this way so I can share my trials and storms with everyone. I cant honestly sit here and say that Brian and mines relationship has been the most easy. I also cant sit here and say its been the worst and boring. What I can say is, its normal. Its honestly two people coming together in their late 20's trying to make a relationship work, that are both stuck in their ways and both hard headed. I can say its a relationship from God that I feel at times is that God is sitting up there in heaven laughing at us. Brian and I were both raised Baptist and pretty much raised the same way in morals and values. We both want to wait till we are married to make love just like scripture wants us too. We both want to have a church home and have Christian friends surround us because we know how tempting this world is and how easily it is to fall off track and we want to have people to hold us accountable.
Some of the things I know we struggle with is that we are 2 different people. We think different, we have different spiritual talents and we help people in different ways. What we need to fill each other emotionally and spiritually are even different. What one needs, the other doesn't understand because it doesn't fulfill them. For instance one thing I need, is to be reminded that I'm beautiful to him. I have insecurities, I always have, but I need to be reassured that I am. To him, it doesn't mean anything if I called him handsome or not, its just 'whatever' to him. Now to fulfill him, he needs to hear "thank you" when he does something for me and to feel appreciative. That's one thing I can do.....I'm an easily please and thank you kind of gal. BUT......Brian likes for me to give him stuff to do, because that's how he says he gets fulfilled. Honestly, the man could build me a house from bottom to top and I would be thankful.....don't get me wrong, but if he never said I was beautiful during that entire time, it really wouldn't do much for me because I wasn't getting my fulfillment.
Now I know everyone is different and they have their own ways of being fulfilled. One of Brian's spiritual talents is Helping Others and mine is Time and Wisdom (words). Its why I say that God laughs at us in Heaven, because I think he got bored and was like...."I'm just gonna throw 2 people who think different and have different gifts and watch them dual it out and make it work". I know I can speak for myself and honestly say that for the first time in my life I'm having to go outside my box and think of how someone else thinks and I struggle greatly with that. If I don't understand something, I tend to put a wall up, because I want to understand the situation or reasoning behind something and of course God is laughing because well.......I cant or wont ever know everything or can understand it.....that's where faith comes in.
I do know if Brian and I were alike and shared the same gifts, we would be limited to how God could use us. Brian is very good at teaching and leading a class. I on the other hand have done it before, but I'm a good assistant. Another thing I struggle with is 'time'.I like to put my opinion or way of thinking out there with Brian's timing and even Gods timing are not mine. I get Gods timing, I do......that's been my whole life, but to trust and wait on someone elses timing in how the deal or handle things is driving me to prayer!!! haha
out having to "study".
One thing the book has taught me and even God telling me.....is that I need to be slow to speak and quick to pray. My best friend last night wrote me and told me that I was heavy on her heart. She told me that God told her that I'm in a transformation time in my life and that its going to be hard. Little did she know, which I hadn't spoke to her about, is that I was already starting. I had been quiet from her for a few days, not ignoring her, but simply being quiet and in that time God was revealing to her what I needed to hear to have confirmation that yes it will be a struggle, but that God is there working in me. I know I'm having to let go of alot of things of who I am, but in reality its who Ive become over the years and not in a way that is beneficial to God or to anyone. Ive lived in a bubble the majority of my life and I love it here. The bubble was popped once without my doing and over the past few years I have slowly built myself back in it.
The one thing I know that Brian and I need to open our eyes too, is really that no one is right or wrong, but the fact that were just different in our way of thinking and doing. I feel with me speaking is that Ive tried to handle us by me doing and not allowing God to open up my heart to see things in a different way. Its definitely a struggle with me to go outside the box, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is the man God has given me and I know it will work, because God brought us together.
Why you think I may be sharing this is because I have felt led with the trials in my life and the lessons I have learned is to share what I experience, learn, grow and know. I know everyone at some point in their lives or their struggles question things and wonder if they are normal or if the situation is normal. I say "normal" very lightly, because what is normal? I honestly thought that when God gave me the man I was supposed to be with, it was going to be a breeze. I knew we would struggle and be faced with things in our lives, but I just thought it was going to be one of those first love at first sight, knowing instantly feelings and everything fall into place. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, I put up a wall and wasn't even interested in dating anyone and even though God was laying on my heart and trying to open up my eyes to see this man in a different way, I still had my wall up fighting it to not be torn down. I can look back and see that it wasn't always supposed to be easy and I'm sure me or even Brian made it more difficult than it could of been. It actually can be scary realizing that a man you don't even fully know, is the man God has given you, but at the same time, is a very peaceful feeling.
God also had another giggle in heaven when he places us together. I wasn't a member at a church and was just hanging around First Baptist. In fact God has revealed to me a year or so before meeting Brian to not join, that I will follow my future husband to the church that He has for us. When meeting Brian he told me that God has placed on His heart that his time was limited to the church he was going too, but just waiting on God to give him the okay to go. A few months into it, God revealed to him and this has been since October. We have been actively seeking a church since then and today at lunch I was talking to Brian about now limiting the churches and getting serious. I told him I didn't have any feelings toward any of them. He told me "I wont" and he told me and "you know why." Let me just tell you, this has been something that I have been seeking in prayer is to submit to Brian and to be the wife and woman that he needs. I think this is sort of a "first test", to trust and pray for Brian that he will guide us to the church God has for us. During this whole time, I haven't felt anything towards any church, sort of like a void. I know that when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, that God will lay on my heart a peace and an assurance that this is His plan.
We are constantly praying for each other and this relationship and also finances for this wedding. We seek God in almost every thing we do, to save money and to be smart with choices. I already know that God sees our wedding and how its all going to play out and we honestly want what God wants. We want this celebration to be something that shows who we are and express the love we have to our family and friends as we start our lives together in union as one. Marriage is very important and a huge ordeal. Its you and someone else coming together committing a commitment before the Lord saying that you will love and honor and stick next to that person till the day you die. Some people may look at a wedding as just a day and it doesn't define the marriage, but the fact that Brian and I have prayed for each other before we met and God brought us together, to me is a huge celebration. To have loved ones there to share the start of our lives beginning together is very important to both of us. We know that if we do Gods will and pray about this wedding that He will open up doors for us to share this day with everyone.
I wanted this post to be about our relationship. I don't want people to look at us and think we are this "perfect couple", but I want people to look at us and see "Two imperfect people, praying for each other and trying their best to make each other happy". Relationships are an ongoing effort. I know every relationship gets in the rut of comfortable and we even do that with our relationship with God, when everything is going okay. I know I have to remind myself to surrender to God when I start to feel me "trying" to fix or take over a problem that I feel like I can handle. I feel its just like that with our relationships on earth.
So if I could give any advice or encouragement today, it would be.....any relationship that you may have with someone, whether it be God, your spouse or your child, is to pray for them and to ask God what you can do to show your love towards them so that they may see it.
I'm a very open and honest person. In fact, I know I am too honest sometimes, but I know God made me this way so I can share my trials and storms with everyone. I cant honestly sit here and say that Brian and mines relationship has been the most easy. I also cant sit here and say its been the worst and boring. What I can say is, its normal. Its honestly two people coming together in their late 20's trying to make a relationship work, that are both stuck in their ways and both hard headed. I can say its a relationship from God that I feel at times is that God is sitting up there in heaven laughing at us. Brian and I were both raised Baptist and pretty much raised the same way in morals and values. We both want to wait till we are married to make love just like scripture wants us too. We both want to have a church home and have Christian friends surround us because we know how tempting this world is and how easily it is to fall off track and we want to have people to hold us accountable.
Some of the things I know we struggle with is that we are 2 different people. We think different, we have different spiritual talents and we help people in different ways. What we need to fill each other emotionally and spiritually are even different. What one needs, the other doesn't understand because it doesn't fulfill them. For instance one thing I need, is to be reminded that I'm beautiful to him. I have insecurities, I always have, but I need to be reassured that I am. To him, it doesn't mean anything if I called him handsome or not, its just 'whatever' to him. Now to fulfill him, he needs to hear "thank you" when he does something for me and to feel appreciative. That's one thing I can do.....I'm an easily please and thank you kind of gal. BUT......Brian likes for me to give him stuff to do, because that's how he says he gets fulfilled. Honestly, the man could build me a house from bottom to top and I would be thankful.....don't get me wrong, but if he never said I was beautiful during that entire time, it really wouldn't do much for me because I wasn't getting my fulfillment.
Now I know everyone is different and they have their own ways of being fulfilled. One of Brian's spiritual talents is Helping Others and mine is Time and Wisdom (words). Its why I say that God laughs at us in Heaven, because I think he got bored and was like...."I'm just gonna throw 2 people who think different and have different gifts and watch them dual it out and make it work". I know I can speak for myself and honestly say that for the first time in my life I'm having to go outside my box and think of how someone else thinks and I struggle greatly with that. If I don't understand something, I tend to put a wall up, because I want to understand the situation or reasoning behind something and of course God is laughing because well.......I cant or wont ever know everything or can understand it.....that's where faith comes in.
I do know if Brian and I were alike and shared the same gifts, we would be limited to how God could use us. Brian is very good at teaching and leading a class. I on the other hand have done it before, but I'm a good assistant. Another thing I struggle with is 'time'.I like to put my opinion or way of thinking out there with Brian's timing and even Gods timing are not mine. I get Gods timing, I do......that's been my whole life, but to trust and wait on someone elses timing in how the deal or handle things is driving me to prayer!!! hahaout having to "study".
One thing the book has taught me and even God telling me.....is that I need to be slow to speak and quick to pray. My best friend last night wrote me and told me that I was heavy on her heart. She told me that God told her that I'm in a transformation time in my life and that its going to be hard. Little did she know, which I hadn't spoke to her about, is that I was already starting. I had been quiet from her for a few days, not ignoring her, but simply being quiet and in that time God was revealing to her what I needed to hear to have confirmation that yes it will be a struggle, but that God is there working in me. I know I'm having to let go of alot of things of who I am, but in reality its who Ive become over the years and not in a way that is beneficial to God or to anyone. Ive lived in a bubble the majority of my life and I love it here. The bubble was popped once without my doing and over the past few years I have slowly built myself back in it.
The one thing I know that Brian and I need to open our eyes too, is really that no one is right or wrong, but the fact that were just different in our way of thinking and doing. I feel with me speaking is that Ive tried to handle us by me doing and not allowing God to open up my heart to see things in a different way. Its definitely a struggle with me to go outside the box, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is the man God has given me and I know it will work, because God brought us together.
Why you think I may be sharing this is because I have felt led with the trials in my life and the lessons I have learned is to share what I experience, learn, grow and know. I know everyone at some point in their lives or their struggles question things and wonder if they are normal or if the situation is normal. I say "normal" very lightly, because what is normal? I honestly thought that when God gave me the man I was supposed to be with, it was going to be a breeze. I knew we would struggle and be faced with things in our lives, but I just thought it was going to be one of those first love at first sight, knowing instantly feelings and everything fall into place. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, I put up a wall and wasn't even interested in dating anyone and even though God was laying on my heart and trying to open up my eyes to see this man in a different way, I still had my wall up fighting it to not be torn down. I can look back and see that it wasn't always supposed to be easy and I'm sure me or even Brian made it more difficult than it could of been. It actually can be scary realizing that a man you don't even fully know, is the man God has given you, but at the same time, is a very peaceful feeling.
God also had another giggle in heaven when he places us together. I wasn't a member at a church and was just hanging around First Baptist. In fact God has revealed to me a year or so before meeting Brian to not join, that I will follow my future husband to the church that He has for us. When meeting Brian he told me that God has placed on His heart that his time was limited to the church he was going too, but just waiting on God to give him the okay to go. A few months into it, God revealed to him and this has been since October. We have been actively seeking a church since then and today at lunch I was talking to Brian about now limiting the churches and getting serious. I told him I didn't have any feelings toward any of them. He told me "I wont" and he told me and "you know why." Let me just tell you, this has been something that I have been seeking in prayer is to submit to Brian and to be the wife and woman that he needs. I think this is sort of a "first test", to trust and pray for Brian that he will guide us to the church God has for us. During this whole time, I haven't felt anything towards any church, sort of like a void. I know that when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, that God will lay on my heart a peace and an assurance that this is His plan.
We are constantly praying for each other and this relationship and also finances for this wedding. We seek God in almost every thing we do, to save money and to be smart with choices. I already know that God sees our wedding and how its all going to play out and we honestly want what God wants. We want this celebration to be something that shows who we are and express the love we have to our family and friends as we start our lives together in union as one. Marriage is very important and a huge ordeal. Its you and someone else coming together committing a commitment before the Lord saying that you will love and honor and stick next to that person till the day you die. Some people may look at a wedding as just a day and it doesn't define the marriage, but the fact that Brian and I have prayed for each other before we met and God brought us together, to me is a huge celebration. To have loved ones there to share the start of our lives beginning together is very important to both of us. We know that if we do Gods will and pray about this wedding that He will open up doors for us to share this day with everyone.
I wanted this post to be about our relationship. I don't want people to look at us and think we are this "perfect couple", but I want people to look at us and see "Two imperfect people, praying for each other and trying their best to make each other happy". Relationships are an ongoing effort. I know every relationship gets in the rut of comfortable and we even do that with our relationship with God, when everything is going okay. I know I have to remind myself to surrender to God when I start to feel me "trying" to fix or take over a problem that I feel like I can handle. I feel its just like that with our relationships on earth.
So if I could give any advice or encouragement today, it would be.....any relationship that you may have with someone, whether it be God, your spouse or your child, is to pray for them and to ask God what you can do to show your love towards them so that they may see it.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Im enjoying this song
This has been a very relaxing song to me....Its been something I have been listening too before getting ready for the day.
Old School Super Nintendo
Don't get me wrong....Ive had a PS2 since I was in high school. Its okay, but my heart will always be a Super Nintendo girl. Yes, I had the original, but my childhood consisted of the wonderful SN!!!
I have to say kids these days struggle more, but I feel like alot has to do with the world. The world expects these certain things and they keep changing everything trying to "fix" everyone, but little do they realize that not everyone is the same. More grown ups not getting married and having broken families, which can put so much stress on a child and mentally mess them up. More kids lashing out because there is more access to bullying and not feeling wanted or loved. More adults working their tails off to support and the kids doing things they shouldn't, because of lack of supervision. I'm not blaming anyone.....there are the parents that try with everything they have. I see kids who reach out for love or have insecurity and just want to be reminded of that they have plenty of love and is beautiful.
I know that there has always been alot of these problems, but looking now from 10+ years ago, to me has increased so much. We wonder why kids do what they do or we question why adults and parents do what they do. This world is corrupt and messed up, its so evil and its not turning towards God.
Don't get me wrong....I was raised by a single mother who never got married. I fall into that category, but I can tell you, that I was blessed with my grandfather who helped raise me and I did have that fatherly figure in my life. I was also raised very sheltered where God was the main focus. It wasn't until I was close to 20 when I realized how evil this world actually is. It took me almost 25 when I realized how easily it is to fall into living like this world. I'm not perfect by any means, but I know with each and everyones help, we can slowly help or be an influence on someone who may need it.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Our trip to Dallas
Were both trying to stay healthy eaters. We both want to be healthy and look good for our wedding. I'm glad he stands by my side as we both go on this journey. I help him and he helps me. I feel so blessed to finally feel what it feels like to meet the person God has for you. Theres a peace like no other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)