One of my ongoing struggles

One of my ongoing struggles in my life has been my weight.  All growing up, it seemed like all my friends were smaller than me and I could never share clothes or switch clothes as most girls do when their youngins.  As I got older, I got more athletic and always played sports.  Even when I was in the sports, I always thought I was fatter than most of the girls and always had this body image of not being good enough.  I saw how most guys looked at the smaller girls, while I sat back and didn't feel wanted or not good enough.

So because I had this body issue, I turned to clothes and accessories to let me shine.  I like being complimented on my outfits or me being dolled up, that I stood out. 

As most know that I posted earlier this year, I went and tried out to be on the Biggest Loser.  It was nothing that I was holding my breath too, but it was a fun experience.  Tonight the first episode aired and little did this episode know, I have started feeling insecure about myself again.

I haven't posted much on this blog about my weight loss, but I had lost 40 pounds since March.  Last week when I went to my Dr's appointment I gained 6 pounds, but didn't understand why.  I had been in the gym majority of my extra time, but even the Dr didn't understand.  He is now sending me to a Nutritionist to see if maybe that will help.  I know he has mentioned everything for me to do and I have done it.  This could be my plateau, but its not going to get me down.  Ive enjoyed people coming up to me that haven't seen me in awhile, even at my part time job and ask me what I did to lose weight.  I proudly tell me them what I have done and even share it with them, so maybe they can make a lifestyle change to gain confidence and to feel good.

Looking back I can see how my weight has effected alot of my relationships, romantically and even friends.  It was never them, but it was me and my insecurities.  I have said mean things and have judged all because of me not being happy with myself.  I looked like an ugly person with an ugly attitude just for being so mean and saying mean comments.  I remember I didn't want to go out in public without having my makeup on and dressed nice, but it was all because of my weight and how I viewed myself.  I can honestly say now half the time I go out anywhere, I just roll out of bed with my hair a mess on top of my head with no makeup and clothes that don't match.  I'm usually going to the gym or to the grocery store, so theres no need for me to be looking all cute.

Now that I'm getting to a place where I'm accepting me and even helping others get to their goal so they can feel good about themselves, it just does something to you.  It makes you more wholesome and happy within yourself.  Gaining 6 pounds, felt like I did a month of hard work for nothing and I wont lie and say that a part of my kind of gave up, but I know I cant.  I have to find what I did wrong and change it up a bit.

I do need to say that my health lately has been bitter sweet.  I have good numbers when it comes to going to the Dr's, but my health has been struggling.  I have been very weak and fatigue lately.  I also shake alot for no reason, especially when I'm working out.  Ive been having these episodes of pain in my upper body and then my whole body sweats profusely and my ears start ringing and I know that I'm about to pass out, and I'm not sure what is causing that.  It lasts for about FOREVER it seems like, nah about 30 minutes, but its scary cause I don't know whats going to happen when I pass out.  Please pray that its nothing bad.

I told myself when I reach my goal that I'm going to treat myself to something that I always wanted to do, I'm not going to share with you right now what is, gotta stay tuned for that (hehe).  I know that I need to lose weight and feel good within myself, for my future husband.  I want my husband to be proud of me on his arm and I also want to be confident and not worry about another beautiful female in the room.  I know whoever God gives me that I will trust him and my husband will love me.  Admitting and realizing that a big reason why I can say alot of my romantic relationships didn't work was because of my insecurities has helped me learn more about me and who I'm striving to become.  I know its something that I will always have to work on, but that's okay!  I never want to be the best and get to the top, because all that's left from there is going down.  I want to keep striving to be the best for God, for myself and for others, till He calls me home. 

I wanted to share this with you, because I know we all have something within ourselves that we struggle with and carry each day.  I will never be lean and skinny, but I'm going to be me, happy and toned.  I pray for when God gives me my mate, that he will look at my heart and see Christ working in me, inward and outward.

So whatever you are going through, hand it over to God each and everyday for Him to help you and to help reach your goal to be a better you!  I couldn't of done this without God, He has been my strength and motivator.  Ive even had some friends make comments and try to bring me down, but I didn't allow it.  I knew then that they struggled with something inside of them, just like I did 6 months ago.  God has opened up my eyes to why people say and do the things they do.  Something inside of them hurts or is struggling, just like I did my whole life.  Now my biggest motivator is to help others get to their goal and to be healthier and to also be the best Christian they can be!  :)

Ask yourself

Ask yourself this:

Is there anything in your life right now that may be a hindrance with your relationship with Christ?

Are you trusting God that He will take care of your needs and desires?

Are you doing anything to help build His kingdom?

When you pray, do you ask God for what He can do for you, or do you sometimes ask what you can do for Him?

Do you go out and try to find your happiness in people, or do you seek God for true happiness?

Do you spend most of your extra time in worldly things(TV, Internet, games, phone, etc) or do you spend your time building the kingdom of God, whether that be reading the Bible, reading books, helping others, etc?




Whatever your answers may be to any of these questions, I hope you stepped back and really thought about them.  They wernt to make you feel bad, but I know with myself, I have to re-examine my priorities often.

We are born selfish sinful people.  We want satisfaction for ourselves and most of the time we want it right then and there.  When we don't get something that we want or we have to wait we usually get mad or throw a fit. 

I can honestly say, when you spend most of your time learning about God and focused on Him, your eyes are opened up to a bigger picture.  When most people live of the world who are Christians and who arnt Christians, they only get temporary happiness. 

"Of course this guy seems great, keeps me occupied, sends me sweet notes, gives me attention and sends me Good morning beautiful texts every morning."

"Well this girl likes to cuddle and hold my hand and go out with me and makes me feel like I'm worth something."

 "Of course I love to play games on my phone and read on my social media sites throughout the day so I don't get bored."

"But I like to come home after work and do nothing because I worked all day."

 "Well Sunday is hard for me to get up and go to church cause its the one day that I can do nothing and get some things done."

"There is no way that I can stop drinking sodas and eat right, I don't have it in me, I have no desire and I'm too fat to work out, I have a bad ankle."

"I just don't have any money left over after paying bills and groceries to tithe 10%."


Why don't we push ourselves?  Why do we settle with people and things?  Why do we rot our brains with things that arnt going to build Gods kingdom?  Why are we lazy?  Why do we make excuses and not have faith that God will provide for us?

Ill tell you why, because ITS EASY!!!  I'm so thankful that Jesus didn't live an "easy" life.  The night before He died FOR ME, He sweat blood because He knew what was about to take place.  Yet, why do we not trust Him with paying bills or that He would provide when its time to give back the 10% He asked for?  Why don't we trust Him that He will heal our ankle or put the desire in us to get up off the couch and eat right and work out? Why do we go and seek for the person we want to marry and not trust God enough that He will bring our mate to us?

WHY CANT WE JUST DO OUR BEST TO PLEASE GOD AND ALLOW HIM TO POUR HIS BLESSINGS ON US?

I know with me personally, I want Gods best with anything.  I want His best with my everyday walk, I want His best in my mate, I want His best in my health and I want His best in my house, friends, family.  Does that mean I'm going to have the most expensive, shiniest, richest things?  NO!  But what God gives me and allows me to have and do, is His best!  One thing though that we tend to forget sometimes is that God is waiting on us to take that first step. 

God is not going to melt our fat away sitting on a couch eating chips or ice cream.  God is not going to give our best in a mate if every week we are going out on a date from someone we met offline.  God is not going to give our best if we don't help others.  God is not going to give our best if we cant even give Him the 10% He asked for.  God is not going to give our best if we don't sit down and spend some time with Him, whether it be in the Bible, church, fellowship or helping others or all the above. 

God gives us a choice and He gives us free will.  Everything listed above, I'm totally guilty of.  I don't want to sound like I'm Miss Perfect, but I wanted to share with things that I hear quite often when people want more, but yet have excuses.

Can you imagine if you asked God for something and He gave you an excuse?  Or how about if you cant forgive someone and you did something wrong and asked God for forgiveness and He wouldn't forgive you?  Let me just say, that happens!  Scripture says, if you are unwilling or unable to forgive then God wont forgive you. 

Ive had so many people in my life, hurt me, do me wrong, walk away, yet people wonder why I still have some of them in my life.  To be honest, one thing I think about the most is.....I have done God wrong everyday of my life and yet He is still there for me, comforting me, talking to me, protecting me and providing for me.  What if I'm the only light people see?  What if I'm the only person that they will ever do something so wrong too and yet I'm nice and there for them?  Didn't I just show love, grace and mercy like God?  Arnt we supposed to strive to be Christ like, to be like Jesus?  God knows everything that goes on, but I don't carry a burden on my heart with what someone did for me.  I remember it and I watch out for myself and I admit sometimes the pain might come back and hurt, but I keep moving forward and keep showing love and mercy.

I have talked to some people who arnt married and have sexual relationships.  They wonder why they have the problems they do or they don't understand why its so difficult.  Let me ask, why would God make that easy for them?  Why would He bless them, esp with what they are doing if its going against Him?  We have a choice and I'm not saying to make the right choice is always easy, because its not, but scripture promises that God will always give you a way out of temptation, its up to us to take that door.

I wanted this blog post to be about us stepping back and looking at our lives and whats in it.  Everyone has a different walk, different issues, different struggles, different weaknesses and problems we are trying to work on.  With each and every struggle we may have, whether be sexual sin, not forgiving someone, being lazy, financial issues, not trusting God for a mate or whatever, it can all be overcome with God and in His time and His will and with His help.  Its so simple, yet we make it more complicated than it is, and I know a major part of the problem is because we give up "control", or the control we think we have.  Its so much easier to trust God and allow Him to work and allow Him to take care of our needs and desires, because that's what He wants.  He wants to give us everything our heart desires, because He most likely put it there.

 Just remember my beautiful friends, its not in our time, its in Gods time, but the wait can be sweet if we keep striving to obey and please Him!