Purity

I finished my book, How to become the woman God wants you to be and the other day when I was out running errands, I really felt led to go to Mardels.  I really didn't want too, though before I left the house I had made plans too, but it was getting hot and I just wanted to get my errands done with.  God kept tugging at my heart and so I agreed to go and went.  I remember walking into Mardels, telling God, "Okay, you lead me where you want me to go".  He actually led me to a few places, but then I ended in the book section.  I was just reading books about what He might want me to get and then my eye caught a book.  I schemed right over it, but then it went back.  The title of the book read, "When God writes your love story".  I knew it was the book!!!

I'm reading the book now and cant seem to put it down.  It has opened up my eyes alot the past few days and I have come to a conclusion with where I am at in life.  I'm 28 years old, no children here on earth, divorced and it feels sometimes like time is running out.  I thought I met the man God wanted me to be with, but since then handed it over to God.  I'm not in control and I honestly want Gods best for me.

I'm vowing myself purity.  Obviously Ive been married and I cant say that I'm pure in virginity wise, but I will remain faithful till the day God places a man in my life.  I don't want to meet my selfish desires of companionship or affection by temporary relationships, I honestly want to tell my future husband that I waited on him.  If my future husband could look at me now, I would want him to smile that I'm waiting him and I do hope hes waiting on me.  I wouldn't want my future husband to see me giving any part of me to another man.

I know my worth and I know my heart, as God does too.  I know I want a man, I desire a man to treasure my heart.  I gave my heart to God, so that one day when the man God has for me, my Father will hand the part of my heart that my future husband needs over to him so that he may treasure it with his whole being, as likewise with me to him.  Kinda like that saying, " I want my future husband to be so lost in God that he has to seek Him to find me".

In the meantime I will be waiting and praying for my future spouse.  I pray that they are doing the same for me.  I want to live as if my future husband can see my every thought and action and to honor him in every possible way.  Its quite a beautiful thing.  I trust my God that He wants me to be happy and to marry a godly man, someone who shares the same values and morals as me.  I know during this time, God has opened up my heart and has been molding me and now I want nothing more, to be that future wife and future mother and to be able to make my future husband feel like a respected, honored and valued man who as a wife, will love and support him throughout this life.  I do feel honored that God has given me this time to become that woman.

I'm going to really try and work on not thinking of what I thought God had planned for me, because He still might......I just know, that during this time I'm going to remain faithful, honest and pure for my future husband.  I hope one day when I have him face to face that he can smile and be thankful that I waited for him.

Feeling bad for who I used to be

I know the enemy likes to remind us of everything we did wrong, when alot of the times, hes the one who whispered in our ears to do it in the first place.  I cant help but feel bad for everything I have ever done in any of my relationships.  I don't know how some of them stuck with me so long.  Even though looking back, I don't know who she is, because I honestly can sit here and say that I have been transformed, I still have my memories.

My ex husband is and was a good man.  To this day he will help me if I needed it in some way.  We arnt close, but I know we will always remain friends.  We grew up together and went through alot of ups and downs, but there is no love, romantic feelings anymore.  Its just a genuine friendship.  I know when I talk to him I don't have to explain myself, he just knows and gets it.  He put up with me alot, I was not the best wife and I was so young and selfish.  I'm actually starting to get teary eyed reading this because I know that God has put on a replay of my life and the choices I made.  If your reading this and don't know, I was very mean. I never cheated or was unfaithful, but I was this huge brat.  I would occasionally hit my ex husband on his back or arm really hard, I would yell at him and nit pick.  If I'm honest with myself and with you, I did that to the 2 ex boyfriends after that too.  Why?  I can tell you why.

All 3 relationships I wasn't where I needed to be in Christ.  I was looking to them for love and fulfillment that only God could fulfill.  I was insecure, jealous and selfish.  My whole life, my mom and grandpa lived their life around me and I just carried it through each relationship that way.  I know my mom and grandpa didn't intend to do that, but in reality it harmed me.  My mom never asked much from me and neither did my grandpa, so in return I never expected other people to ask much of me and when they did, I simply turned it down if I didn't want to do it.  I never got to see a healthy marriage and what its like to have 2 people try and work on things as a team.  Instead I had a single mother who was the mom and the dad and it was her rules her way.  Which in turn, I know my mom didn't do anything to harm me, but was just trying her best the only way she knew how.  So I got to see a strong woman who had her rules and things went her way, as I feel I incorporated over into my relationships.

I study all the time.  I study the Bible, listen to sermons and listen to Christian music.  Ive listened and read on relationships and how God wants them to be and how they should work.  I know being with someone is work, its a constant effort, just like staying close to God is work and effort.  Its taking time out of your day alot of times to spend that one on one time with God if you live a hectic life, but you work on it and find the time.  I also have an amazing therapist who is God driven and really helps you reach into yourself to find out why you do the things you do.

I admit of doing things wrong.  I also can admit that I'm glad the knowledge I know now.  I know that I cant go back in time and change anything, and honestly I'm not sure if I would if I could.  I wouldn't because then I wouldn't be here at this moment in my life writing this, hopefully touching someone or helping someone.

I know my hearts desire is to  reach out and help people.  Ive been honored for a handful of people to come up to me and tell me that I'm a big example and have been helping them without my knowing, during this time of growth.  They have told me that they have seen the way that I have had faith and held on to the promises that God has told me and the way that I'm bettering myself and smiling.  If someone can see my faith in God and its helped them get closer to God, then by golly......I can smile at the end of the day.

My last relationship was with a good man that I really felt like God had for me.  I'm honestly not sure where I stand at the moment with it, because I feel like hes moved on and doesn't have a desire to see what God has done in my life and that's okay, I don't blame him.  I can imagine the things he thinks of, is all the bad, and truth be told, it is easier sometimes to move forward and not look back.  I was sadden the other day thinking how he must remember me by.  I was disappointed in myself and yet thankful that God doesn't look at me that way.  I know with me its not easy for me to stop loving someone and move on.  I see its easy for alot of people and I wish I was that way.  Its always harder for me to give my heart over the next time around, because of the pain it takes to get over them in the first place.  I can honestly sit here and call that a blessing, because when I love.....I truly love!

I cant wait till God lets me love again, this next time the right way!  It brings a smile to my face to know I have been blessed with amazing men in my life that once loved me.  I cant honestly say anything bad about them.  It is hard for the last one for me to get over, considering Ive always felt that he was the one.  I guess when God is ready for me to move on, then God will change my heart.  I do want to be loved and give my love to a man who's love is for God.  I want to be able to hold my future husbands hands and pray together.

My last relationship, he would always grab my hands in church and hold them tight during prayer.  If I had to list one thing that I miss the most, it honestly has to be that.  I do pray that I will one day have that back in my life, when I can sit next to a man and when its time to pray, he simply reaches over, grabs my hands and together as a couple coming before the Lord, give our thankfulness.  I smile sitting here, hoping that God gives me my hearts desire and it also makes me realize what I had.

God had my story written out before I was born.  I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but I cant wait with Gods grace, for Him to write my love story.

:)

The lessons over, now its time for the tests

I don't know where to begin.  I haven't had time or had a desire to write, but I think now may be the time.

I recently told my friend that I feel like my time of growth is over, meaning my lessons are done, now its time for God to test me.  I felt that about a couple of weeks ago and I feel the tests are starting.  I was doing so good with where I am in life and my growth with Christ and myself.  I got some discouraging news that I didn't ask for, but I know it had to happen for a reason.  My initial reaction was to be my old self, the old self that I never wanted to see again.  Luckily it lasted for about 2 minutes.

So what does this mean?  Any hope that I had, I feel as if its flown out the window.  What do you do when God puts on your heart one thing and the impossible looks like the impossible?  I know what I'm going to do, which is keep living my life and keep becoming the woman God wants me to be.  I do know that one day someone will see it and admire it and want to hold on to it, I have no doubt.

One thing that I want to share is that I feel very motherly.  I never felt this way before, but almost like a "soccer mom" kind of personality.  When I see the girls with booty shorts, I think, "Oh girls, I wish you knew if you had a few more inches added to those, how much more well dressed you would look".  I also look at how I look and dress and want to be modest and be able to stand next to a man one day and him be proud and honored that he has me as his woman, because of the confidence I have in who I am.

I want to be the Godly woman that I know I was created to be and I really don't want to fail these tests.  God has been so good to me and I want His blessings to keep pouring down on me.  Please keep me in your prayers as they come.

Ive realized that I'm okay and content being alone.  I know I don't need anyone to fulfill me or make me happy, except for God.  When the timing is right, God will place someone in my life, but until then, I just have no desire to seek or search for anyone.  I want God to write my love story and I know He will.  I have appreciated this time that God has given me to prepare me to be that amazing wife and mother that I know He wants me to be.

I don't want to sound conceded or egotistical, but I really just want to share the confidence God has helped me to have.  I honestly have to give all the credit to God and when I doubt Him, I feel bad.  I feel bad because He is the All Knowing Creator and I know He wants to give me His best.  I want His best and pray for it daily.  I don't know what the future holds, just like none of us does, but I have to keep trusting the one who does.

My heart at times feels empty and it saddens me that Ive been in 3 relationships that I do admit of me messing up with my own issues, but it hurts to think that you arnt worthy enough to be given a second chance.  I do know that this time, I have learned my lesson and I'm taking what I have learned with me for what lies ahead.  I guess I'm opposite of the men that I have dated because I'm all about giving chances, because I know that my Lord gives me a million and one chances daily.  I cant get into their minds and see, but nonetheless I have no bitter feelings towards them and I honestly what them to be happy.  They each do deserve it and are good men.  I really hope what they see in their relationships now, a man may see in me one day.

So I keep striving on.....waiting for the next door to be opened and seeing what else of Gods best He wants to give me.  This time I'm living it all for the Lord, 110% and I don't want to fail Him.  When God gives me the next man, I'm going to be ready, I'm going to be honored and blessed and I'm going to respect, support and love that man, because God blessed me with him.  I know I wont be perfect, but I'm going to try my hardest to strive to make God happy, in turn will make my future husband happy.  I do pray for a godly man who can see that I'm a woman for God.  I pray for a man that doesn't live of this world and wants to please God in everything He does.  I know hes out there......now its up to God, in His time and His place.

Weightloss

I was looking at my blog that I made last year when I set my goal to lose weight.  I did lose 20 pounds the first month and I lost a total of 8 inches from working out and eating better. 

My weightloss blog

I was looking at some of the blogs and realized what I thought was eating healthy, wasn't at all.  It wasn't the worst foods, but it wasn't what I can eat now.  Currently I have lost a total of 33 pounds by just changing my foods.  I am now in the process of needing to work out as my body
is starting to get flabby.  I remember losing weight last year, I went head first in with going to the gym 6 days a week and eating better that I know I burned myself out. I knew in order for me to be successful, I needed to just take one thing at a time.  I needed to learn what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat and I feel as if I have that down.  I do treat myself a cheat day, which is what everyone needs, because it keeps you sane and it makes your cravings go away.  I do have 44 more pounds to go and before it seemed like this impossible goal, but I have to remember that my highest weight at one point was 286 and I'm now 224.  I'm half where I used to be and half towards my goal.

Losing weight has changed my whole mental aspect on life.  I feel good in my skin, I feel like I have a goal and I'm thriving to reach it.  Even before looking at other girls, I was so insecure that I would pretty much put them down because of jealousy.  I now look at girls as beautiful, for who they are. 

I do appreciate this time in my life that God has given me.  I feel as if He has done this total makeover, transformation in my life.  I know it was His help that has pushed me and motivated me to become who I am, internal and external.  I can see looking back how I couldn't make any man happy being with me.  I was so unhappy with my inner and outer self that there was no way, no man could measure up, because it was my demons that I had to deal with.  My God is a gracious and loving God for letting me get a handle on my life and to have this time to face them head on.  I know it was because God showed me something valuable, something that I asked for and he handed it to me and yet he showed me what I could have, but because I wasn't ready, I lost it.  I don't think I could of been as successful if I never met Brian.  I don't feel as if I would of noticed my faults and felt them as much as I had, if I never felt what I did.

Its okay though, because I love who I am and I don't know what the future holds.  I do take each day one at a time, to better myself and to motivate and help others.  During this time of my life, Ive noticed how rewarding it is to be there for people.  Everyone always seemed to be there for me and I remember thinking I never gave it back.  I love knowing that I have true friends who stick by my side and me by their side. 

I know I'm right where I need to be in life, because God has me here.  I know anything extra down the road is going to be added bonuses! 

My grandpa

As Fathers Day approaches, I always go to the man that helped raised me, which is my grandfather.  He is such a good godly man and I couldn't of ask for a better role model growing up.  As I have gone to therapy, working on me and learning what it is that made me who I am from my childhood, my therapist figured something out.

My grandpa and I at Christmas, and me alot bigger

Growing up, I always seen this strong willed of a mother who had to be the mother and father in discipline and she worked her tail off to provide.  I saw my grandpa take care of me and let my mother do her thing, but never really saw a strong man that took control.  I always thought I needed a man with a backbone, but in reality, it was me.  I need to show more love, caring and compassion and that's exactly what I have been doing.  I used to treat my grandpa as a child, taking care of him and everything, but since I have been treating him as an elder, a man I love, his whole attitude has changed.  I didn't realize the impact I did, just on him alone, so I cant imagine the intense I did to the other men I had in my life.

My grandpa now offers more help and encourages me and helps me.  He wants to do more and I know its because before he always thought he might do it wrong and I would make a big deal out of it.  Since being calm and respecting him, I can tell hes more happy and it makes me feel awful for the way I was before, but the truth is, I cant change it, but move forward, learn and be able to keep doing it.  I never told my grandpa what I learned in therapy, I just changed what I was doing.

My therapist told me, that my grandpa is the man that I need to start on, need to start changing my ways and then when Gods time comes, I can and will be able to treat my husband that way.  Its so much peaceful, but for some reason, this is the time that God wanted me to learn this.  I know God has great things ahead of me and this is just 20 steps closer.

I wrote this a week ago and each day that passes, its getting so much easier and so much rewarding.  I am reminded that such small things I would complain about, was nothing.  I made big deals over nothing and now that I see it, I simply just be quiet and move forward.  Today, I saw that my grandpa spilt something in the refrigerator.  He admitted that he spilt it, but just didn't clean it up.  My old self would of told him, "Why didn't you clean it up?  Can you clean it up?  It isn't hard, if you noticed that you spilt something?"  Instead, I asked him about it, went and got a paper towel and cleaned it up.  It wasn't a big mess, but I would of took it as laziness of my grandpas part, but instead thought, maybe he cant bend down and wipe it off, so it took me a whole minute to do something so small.  He told me he would clean it up and I told him that I got it.

Some people reading this, might think I was cold hearted and a B word, and your right.  I try and see people as Jesus sees people and if I can do something to help or make someone smile or feel good, then I'm going to do it.  My grandpa is a great role model of sacrifice and unselfishness and I admire him for that.  I am very blessed to have a godly man in my life, even its just my grandpa.  Hes the only parent I have left and I wouldn't trade him for the world.  I know that his purpose on this earth isn't done yet, and I know that its to help me, hopefully to be the best woman I can be!

The truth

I feel like I write, which is all truth, but I don't pour out my heart like I'm used to doing.  The truth of the matter is, I'm waiting on God.  No one really gets me......its hard to explain sometimes to people.  I had one lady tell me the other day that I'm delusional, because she said she never heard God.  Do I doubt myself sometimes? I have had people tell me what I hear God say, should line up with the Bible and here it goes.....

I'm waiting for a relationship that I know in my heart is what I should do.  Whether it turns out or not, I don't know, but I already got mad at God and it didn't get far and it didn't do much for me, but harm me, so I wait.....

I can remember alot of times in my life when I felt God tell me or put something on my heart that I didn't want to do.  A simple example would be, a few years ago I was on a school board for the school I worked at.  We barely got paid, but since I was on the school board it was my duty to come up with $50.00 to donate or have a $50.00 auction item.  I love Christmas and it was Christmas Banquet time and we needed the $50.00 donation or auction item.  One night I was putting out my Christmas decorations at my house and the year before I bought one of those blow up Snow globe and I couldn't wait to put it out.  I had waited all year and I waited for it to be the last thing to put out.  I felt God tell me, I need to donate it.  It was $50.00, though because I bought it half off the year before, it was only $25.00.  I remember sitting there on my steps, praying, going over and over the options of if I don't listen to God, what would happen.  I thought of it not working, I thought of it ruining, I thought of someone stealing it or ripping it up.  I waited all year and was super excited, but you know what?  I listened.  I went and bought another one after Christmas and waited another year, but I did what I was supposed too, whether I liked it or not.

My marriage.....after Mark left me, a year later, I was getting right, back with God and one night I felt God tell me to fight for my marriage.  I didn't want too.....He was gone for a year now and he was with her and I didn't want to fight, thinking if I could forgive him or not.  I listened......months went by and I did everything I could, my heart was in it, but I didn't understand because I didn't know if I wanted it, but I know I was rewarded and I know I live with peace now.  I know the enemy wouldn't of wanted me to fight for my marriage....he was happy he won and it was ending.

Commiting adultery.....Before it started getting serious, I would drive over to his house.  During the ride, its when the Holy Spirit would yell at me and I remember driving with my radio so loud in my car, because I didn't hear it.  Throughout the whole relationship, I was told to walk away and I never listened.  I would cry laying in bed next to him, because I knew spiritually I was far away, but I could still hear and feel God talk to me, but I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I loved him and I wanted it to work, but I knew it wasn't going too, because I knew what the Holy Spirit told me.  So of course, yes, it was the Holy Spirit, because it was wrong, it was sin and I know the devil isn't going to tell me to leave an adulteress affair.

So here I am with Brian.  I didn't want to be with Brian.  Everyone knew and I fought it and God started tearing down my walls that I had to the moon and back.  I wanted them up there, they were my safe zone of not being hurt.  I never felt with any man the way I felt with Brian.  I knew it was it....this was the man.  I would of never of planned a wedding a month into a relationship, but I know what I felt and I know what God told me.  So here I am, alone.....waiting on God to tell me something different.  I'm waiting, I'm fighting for something I don't know if I want.  When I think of Brian, I sometimes really question what hes doing over there with his growth in Christ.  I know Brian and when hes done, hes done, so to me it looks like the impossible.  Its so hard to sit here and wait on something that looks impossible, but I do it because I know in my heart that's what I'm supposed to do.  I, myself, don't want too, because it'll be easier to move on, but its not what I'm told to do.  I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I wait until God does something.  I know hes still working on me and I'm at peace with it, but I do know if I'm wrong, then 3 other people who feel the exact same way as me, is wrong too and what are the odds, of God telling 4 people the same thing, all wrong???

I don't blame anyone for this, other than myself.  As I grow closer with the Lord and take each step to becoming this amazing woman, I am very thankful for this time, but I'm also sad when I look at the person that I was.  I just want to hug all 3 men and apologize with how mean I was and that I didn't offer them the best kind of woman.  I know now what I need to do, to be a submissive, supportive wife, who honors and loves her husband.  I want to please God and I know now how to please God, by pleasing my husband.  

One thing I learned which is HUGE to me, is I say everything that comes to my mind which has been pounding me down my whole life.  I have learned through a sermon I watched, is that each bad thought that comes in your mind (HEAD) shouldn't come out of our lips (MOUTH), so then it wont go to our HEART.  He used an example if it trickling down, so if we think it and it doesn't come out of our mouth, then it wont get to our heart and we wont believe it.  I have been working on this for a couple of week and it works.  So if you are an over thinker like me, just don't speak it, because your not speaking truth!! Speak only the truth, from God and your heart will be filled with joyful things.  I'm at peace way more than I have ever been, because I don't speak.  Its weird when I'm around my friends and I consciously speak positive things, but its very uplifting and encouraging, then always going over "what ifs".  Another thing I have been working on is the "what ifs".  Now when I say it, I stop and say something else, because I am trusting God that what happens is already planned and I cant change it, but just go down the path He has for me.

I honestly, feel like this brand new woman and I have to give all the credit to my Saviour.  Do I struggle? Of course....Its a constant thing I have to pray and lift if up to God and its me being in Gods word and listening to the truth.  I pray for God to give me His thoughts all the time, and its been a prayer that has saved me, because as easy as I can hear God, I can hear the enemy, so when my thoughts start getting negative and discouraging, I simply rebuke the devil In Jesus Name and ask God to give me His thoughts. 

So here I am.....doing Gods will. I'm so close to God that its amazing and comforting.  I have prayed numerous times that if Brian isn't for me, for God to change my heart and I hear one word.....WAIT!  I remember when I was fighting for my marriage, I would hear one simple word....FIGHT!  I will wait, until God tells me to do something else or takes it from my heart.  If I'm going to be a woman of God, which I am, I have to do what God tells me to do, whether I understand or not, or if I want to do it or not.  I know the rewards will be abundant and very rewarding.  Am I saying I don't want to Brian?  No.....I'm saying I have no idea what God is doing in his life or what Brian is thinking and that's okay.  I'm saying that I'm sure he is over remembering all the horrible things I have done and doubting if he would ever want to be with me, cause I know I sure would.  I, myself catch myself thinking of the negative things that bugged me about Brian, making me doubt and wonder if it could ever work out, but I have to look at my life and see what God has done, so why couldn't he work in his life???

My friends.....its faith.....its trust.....I don't know what my love story will in tale.  I would love to say that what I have felt and heard from God will come to pass and I can share a great testimony as people have looked at my life and looked at me and doubted.  I could be all wrong and I marry a guy named Bob in 4 years.  Right now, I can honestly say, I hear God say Wait.....on Brian.....so its what I do, until I get further instructions.

If you hear or feel God place something on your heart, ask for confirmation and reassurance and always rebuke the devil in Jesus Name when you hear or see something from the spiritual side.  If it seems impossible, trust God, for all things are possible with God.  Walk by faith, not by sight.  I have to remind myself of these scriptures all the time. 

But this is long enough of a blog, I have been waiting all day to blog from work and Im tired now.....It was just really heavy on my heart to blog for some reason.

God Bless

My prayer

My prayer I wrote on 05/25/14

Lord I know now is the time/season of growth.  My heart yearns to follow and understand what it is your still working in me and I know I'm still in this season.  This can get tough, lonely can set in, but you are my God who never leaves me.  Thank you God for forgiving me and giving me graces and mercy for taking the time to let me grow and be that woman you have created me to be.  I know that my future husband already set, so I give you my everything as I wait holding your hand.  I have to admits its hard sometimes, because I cant see, but I know you wouldn't guide me to a place that would harm me.  Help me to grow my faith in you that I wont be scared anymore.  I know Lord that fear is not from you.  I know at times I want to give up because the impossible looks like the impossible, but I know your word says, With Christ, all things are possible.  I claim that in Jesus Name.  I love you and I want to please you in everything I do, so please guide me, show me, teach me and to help  get me to that destination and next chapter without the long route.  I want what you want for my life, because I know you know whats best for me!  I do pray that you watch over my family, finances and friends, household, my health, grandpas health and my loved ones who are struggling with their personal issues.  I do pray that I will one day get married and have children and that we can be a Godly couple who serves you fully.  Show me what you want me to do, put people in my life to help and give me the words to say when people need to hear the most.  Use me God, that I may glorify you in everything I do, that people may see you in me.  Sometimes God I know I get impatient, but I know that's when your trying to grab my attention the most.  I look around and see people hurting way worse than me and I pray if I can help through my pain that I might help with compassion.  Thank you God for blessing me with each and every item you have loaned me, each and every person in my life, each and every trial and storm I have faced.  You have always been good to me and always been there.  I know you have never left me or forsake me.  I can find the comfort in that you are God of love and teach me to need that and only that for all the days to come, for I know people will hurt me, leave me, but you my God, never will.  Help me Lord to be an example to others and I pray that people will see your love and works in my life as I left them up to you.  God if what I'm feeling still is wrong, I pray Lord that you put it on my heart so that I may release and move forward.  If not Lord, this feeling that you have given me for almost a year is true and from you, that I may keep it near to my heart and claim it in Jesus Name.  I pray that others may feel it and that they may see your promises unfold in my life.  I want to thank you for everything in advance.  In my most precious Jesus Name I pray. Amen


I wrote this prayer in my prayer journal one day at work.  It poured out of me and today as I was having a rough day, I read it and of course got teary eyed.  This prayer was powerful to me and in fact when I wrote it, it moved me.  I mean every single thing I prayed for, I struggle sometimes with these feelings I have. 

I met someone who is going through the same thing as me.  They are waiting for someone who doesn't love them back and they cant shake what they hear and feel.  As we have communicated, we both can hear God almost the same way.  We struggle and don't understand and people around us don't understand what we feel and we know people think we are crazy.  I have enjoyed getting to know this person and its good to always talk to someone who is going through something you are, especially when its rare.

I thought I was going through a storm.....

We all go through seasons of our lives.  Three months ago I was going through a season of love.  A year ago I was going through a season of new beginnings and now I'm going through a season of growth.  When I was single all over again a few months ago, it really seemed like a storm to me, I lost the man that God gave me.  As time has gone by and my relationship with Jesus Christ has blossomed, I still feel like I was in a storm, because I feel like a part of me was missing.

I was talking to my friend the other night and she is going through a storm.  When looking at my life, nothing bad is going on, everything is fine, just feel lonely at times, which I know I'm not, cause God is right there.  My friend told me its not a storm I'm going in, its a famine.  I sat there thinking, huh?  She explained that I'm thirsty......I'm thirsty for Christ, I'm thirsty to be the woman God created me to be, I'm thirsty to being the wife and mother that I know I can be.  That was exactly it.....I'm thirsty and I no longer worry about my future or what will happen tomorrow, I focus on today and today only.  I know that whatever happens tomorrow, will happen whether I want it too or not.  I also know that whoever I end up with, will be Gods will.  I have given my whole heart to God and I truly, honestly want His will and plan in my life.  I do hope and pray that whoever God lets me have on this earth, will see my heart.  I hope he can see that God will always be number 1 and I that I strive to be that woman who pleases God.  I want someone who will fight for our marriage, our relationship, our family.  I see so many couples right now married,  wanting to give up and walk away and it already happened to me once, that I need a man who will not let the enemy win.

I think I'm just sad and burdened with whats going on around me.  At times when I feel like my life seems horrible, in reality God shows me that I'm actually very blessed.  This time, this season is very precious to me.  My confidence is starting to soar as I'm losing more weight, I have only 44 more pounds to my goal, as I'm down 33 now.  My season can be based off of my weight, because it takes time to lose weight, just like it takes time to grow.  A plant doesn't grow over night, a baby doesn't form over night, it takes time.  I'm being patient for the first time in a long time and its actually very peaceful.

I do pray for my future husband, that he is growing with Christ and going throughout each day wanting to please Him.  Its just a weird feeling knowing that your heart is already reserved for someone and yet you go through each day trying to keep your eyes focused on God.  I guess it can be a curse and a blessing all at once.  Its where my faith and trust comes in, which at times I doubt, but that's a work in progress.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm being disrespected and not valued and ask myself if this is what I will deal with for the rest of my life? I have to remind myself that God is changing me, changing my heart, so why couldn't He do that to them?

I haven't been able to sleep well for some reason.  I wake up throughout the night looking at the clock.  I feel weak and heavy burdened at times.  Also, I do have to say, not being on any social media websites has changed my life.  I don't even think about it, but when I pick up my phone, I'm ready to read one of my 15 devotionals that I have signed up for.  I am really trying to spend my time that pleases God, learning about Him and staying in His word so I can follow His plan in my life. I know that I could take this time and spend it wisely, or take my time and slack off doing what I want.  I'm not getting younger and I know that God has great plans for me, the sooner I learn, the sooner He can use me to the fullest.  I do know right now Hes using me.

The other night I was feeling kind of down and reached out to a couple of my friends.  In turn they needed me a whole lot more than I needed them. When I reached out, they were both glad that they heard from me and I spent my whole lunch break talking to them about what was bothering them.  I left my lunch breaking feeling so much better and blessed that I could help them, that I forgot all about my little ole problem.

I don't know....I want to shout it from a roof top, everything that God has been and is doing in my life.  The enemy is right behind me whispering those sweet nothings in my ear and I catch myself at times believing it, but at the end of the day, God has placed so much peace and truth in my heart, that I just have to hold on to that and wait as time goes on to see when it fulfills.

My advice to you is, when things look like its impossible and you know this is what God wants you to do or to be with or to move too, you really have to have faith and sometimes Hes waiting on you to take that step forward to show you that He has a plan.  We all are a work in progress, but its up to us to do Gods will or to live our own.  We may never know or understand why things happen the way they do, but sometimes when you look back, it was the best time you could of have had.

Right now, I could of easily been planning a wedding and spending time with my future husband as we plan and grow together, but God saw something else.  I know He had to remove me, because I wouldn't of been able to be that wife and mother that God knew I could be, that I prayed for.  Sometimes my heart desires to still plan a wedding, because that's what I feel like God told me, but then I have to look at myself, right now and there would of been no way I would be this amazing woman if I didn't go through this.   I say I'm amazing, yes, because I am.  I am amazing because God lives within me and I feel amazing knowing that.  I want myself to shine for God that when they see me, they see Christ and not some selfish, insecure, brat of a woman.  One day, a man will see that and treasure it!!!  Oh what a glorious day!

Break my heart for what breaks yours

I enjoy going to church, but every Sunday I always get attacked.  I'm reminded that I go to church alone, I'm reminded that I had someone who would hold my hand and pray and I'm reminded that I'm still growing. 

Today while singing, this song Hosanna came on and while singing, these words:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

It struck me!!!

Those are powerful words and as you all know back in February I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His.  I knew Brian and mines relationship wasn't where it should of be, speaking for myself with me carrying my baggage and I knew God needed to work on me and mold me.  Today in church I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His again.  I knew what might come, but even though I don't feel as if I'm doing anything that would break Gods heart, I prayed it anyways.  I told God I want to be stripped clean and to be molded to the fullest.  I feel as if I have been walking with God, the closest I ever have in my life and I pray all the time for this not to be temporary, but forever.  I want to always seek God in everything I am.  I have been praying for when God brings my mate in my life, and I pray that He seeks God with everything, so as a couple we can be that God seeking couple that can be a witness, testimony and example to others. 

I have probably a month left of my Proverbs 31 book left, and its a powerful book for women.  I have realized my confidence is in Christ, which in turn lets me have confidence with everything, my inner and outer beauty.  Sometimes I struggle because my friend always gets hit on alot and I feel like men don't even look my way.  The crazy thing is, when I sit back and look at it, its actually a blessing.  I know there is the one man that God wants me to be with, that will see me and only me, because he sees Christ in me and that will be the man that I want to look at me.  The truth of it all, is I'm waiting, I'm waiting on God to show me my next step.  His word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path and I picture Jesus with a lantern holding it next to me and I cant see far, Jesus knows where we are going, but I can only see what He reveals and I'm taking my faith and trust and walking the next step with Him.



I know I wont always be in this season of growth, there will be a time when Jesus says I'm ready to be a wife and a mother, so I don't really fret on it now.  I don't know what Hes doing to my future husband.  I am learning to love others, like Jesus loves others.  I'm working on being a servant of the Lord and not look at me and what benefits me, but what I can do to help others.  Its a huge step for me as my whole life I have been selfish, but God has been laying it on my heart for over a month now and its rewarding.  My heart isn't heavy burdened anymore and I'm eager now to see how Jesus is going to use me. 

I keep going back to the song lyrics and how powerful they are.  If we praised God and talked to God everyday like that, it would be amazing! 

I'm here God, use me, teach me, show me and guide me in everything that glorifies You!
In Jesus Name,
Amen


(crazy thing about the pic, is when I was looking for something, I was trying to find something that I was picturing in my head with the lantern and Jesus guiding me, and then I couldn't find one and God said, "Keep Going", so I did and when I came across this one, I knew it was the one, God is so good)