What 2014 taught me

God was very good to me this year.  It was a bitter sweet year with what "I thought" was going to happen verses what really happened.  I thought I was going to get married and "live-happily-ever-after" pretty much, but God stepped in and put a halt to things. 

God allowed me to take some time, with just me and Him.  I knew God wanted me and wanted my attention and growth so I could be a better godly woman.  He knew that I couldn't get married with a teenager mind set with being selfish and insecure and even having trust issues.  My God loves me enough, He removed the man I felt that He gave me so I could work on myself to become the woman that He truly wants me to be. 

I know now looking back how child-like I was.  I know now looking back how much I really wasn't prepared to be a wife.  Its always when we go through the storm or the trial and we look back what we see what God saw all along.  Its really a beautiful thing to see what God truly saved you from.  We always bash God and cry out and don't understand why certain things happen in our lives, but in reality, God shows love, grace and
mercy, but we just cant see it, because we arnt there yet.  Sometimes though we may never will until we reach those pearly gates. 

Sitting here writing this, I didn't plan on doing this, but as the year is coming to a close, I wanted to share with you how great God is.  Like I mentioned above, its been a bitter sweet year.  Alot of people who were in my life at the beginning of this year and even jobs, they arnt anymore.  God has shut doors, but He has also opened a few windows. 

Some of my lessons I have learned this year are:

1.  You cant make someone be in your life and you shouldn't want too.  It takes 2 people to work on any form of relationship and if the other person isn't willing too, then you go forward.  It could be a friend, spouse, child, co-worker, parent, etc.  I think my whole life, I pretty much begged and would do anything to keep someone in my life, but then the closer I started walking with God, I realized my self-worth.  I try to be a part of peoples lives and if they don't want me there, then that's okay, Ive learned to move forward with my life.

2.  You need to feel beautiful with yourself and not try to rely on someone else making you feel that way.  I always wanted the men in my life to tell me I'm beautiful all the time, I guess to convince me that I was, even though half the time I thought they didn't mean it.  I knew I had really bad insecurity and its been something I battled my whole life.  I knew to get to the root, not only did I need to work on my insecurity which was my weight, but to really dig deeper in my soul to find my self worth.  When you realize how beautiful you are to God and that He is the one who created you, then you shine that much brighter and walk with your head that much higher.

3.  You need to be content with what you have at this exact moment.  My friend told me something one day that hit me like a rock.  She told me, "God isn't going to give you anything else, if you arnt happy and content with what you have now with what Hes given you".  It made me realize, God has given me so much, good health, love, friendship, an amazing grandpa, house, job, car, etc, so why am I still not happy unless I had this other thing?  Why couldn't I be happy with what I had and trust God that this is what I have at this moment and its all I need?  Theres a reason why God doesn't give us certain things we want or ask for.  Theres also a reason why we don't get certain things at a certain time.  God likes to build our character, He wants us to see if we truly want what we are asking for.  How many times in your life did you really want something and then when you got it, you really didn't know why you wanted it, cause it wasn't as great as you thought?  Also, God sometimes wants us to wait for what we want, because He has to teach us and to seek Him and maybe the other thing isn't ready yet.  I know the longer you wait on something, the more you value it and treasure it.  Sometimes the answer is just no, because God sees that its not good for us.

4. You need to be healthy and take care of the temple God has given you.  When I started this journey to lose weight, I didn't realize really all the bad I stuck in my body.  After I started eating natural things that came from God and not man-made items, I started to feel great.  I started to see how my health, attitude and mind changed just from my change of foods.  God gives us one body and when its time to go its time to go, but how much time and effort do we take care of our cell phone, our car or our house, but yet we feed our minds and body with crap!?  I learned that when you are seeking Christ and seeking His will, it also entails taking care of your body.  I know if I want to be used by Christ, then I need to take care of the one thing He has given me, to be used, which is my body!

5. When you pray, be ready for prayers to be answered.  I mentioned before in a previous blog that I had been praying earlier this year for God to mold me into the woman He wants me to be and to also lately, close and open doors and remove and add people He wants in my life.  Of course there are other prayers along the road that He has answered and not answered, but He has definitely been answering prayers in ways that I never thought He would.  There were people in my life that true colors started to shine that I didn't even know their hearts.  Jobs laid me off because policies changed.  But you know what?  Windows have been opening up in my life as well.  A lot of times when we think something bad happens to us, God turns it around to be a bigger, better blessing than we could ever think of. 

6. No one can fully satisfy you the way Christ can.  I think my whole life I have always thought if I got married or had kids then my life would be happy and content.  I always knew that problems would arise, but that I would be fulfilled and content.  I have always seeked wanting more all the time.  To have this alone time with God, not having anyone else has been a rewarding experience.  I put so much expectations in other people and they always failed me, because they wernt made to satisfy me fully.  To know that I have released that and to put all those expectations in Christ and to trust Him is very freeing.

7.  Life isn't about finding the right man, but becoming the right woman.  If I want God to send me the mate that He wants me to be with, then I needed to become the woman that my future husband needs.  I cant sit and wait and wiggle my thumbs and tap my foot and not work on me.  I needed to learn, to grow, to read books, and meditate with God.  I needed to be shown my faults, my issues, my past hurts, I needed to bring them to the feet of Jesus and hand them over.  I needed my eyes to be opened, my heart to be fixed and my soul to be at peace.  So when its time for God to bring him in my life, I will be ready.  He will take me by the hand and together, as non perfect people, we can grow together and walk with Christ. Why would I expect God to give me the best, when I'm not the best.

8.  You need Gods strength to overcome obstacles in your life.  You alone cant overcome some of your struggles.  Something as what seems simple as my weight, I needed Gods help, guidance and strength to keep going and to make the choices each day to eat right.  I had to learn to train myself to eat better, but it also applies to so much more other things.  If you struggle with drinking, cussing, lust, being late, not listening, etc, whatever it may be, and its a constant struggle, then handing it over to God can do wonders for your life.  We always think we can handle things or overcome them on our own, but that's not the case, we are failures and will always fail, but Christ will never fail us.  He knows our struggles and hearts desires to be a better person and He will help if you ask.

9.  To walk with Christ, you have to make a constant effort each and every single day to take time for Him.  This world is so chaotic and we get so wrapped up in our phones, TV, daily chores or running errands that we tend to put God on the back burner.  We tend to add Him in our "free time" or if we even do that at all.  I'm guilty of "forgetting" to read my Bible or start to do things that arnt feeding me spiritually.  I noticed if I go a couple of days of not taking time with Christ or not praying first thing in the morning, how far I stray from God at such a fast speed. Its not easy, but it makes life that much easier when we spend some alone time with our Father.

10. You really have no control over anything.  I laugh at the word 'control' now.  The truth of the matter is half the time we don't even have full control of ourselves, more-less anyone or anything around us.  Its human nature to want to control, but God likes to show His children that He is in control.  Wouldn't it be so freeing and peaceful to fully depend and rely on God that whatever comes your way in life that He has it?  I look back at my life here on this earth, all 29 years of it, and had zero control over any trial or storm that I was faced.  The things I did try to control, God took those away and showed me that I didn't have those either.  If you think about it, its really God saying, "Child, I love you enough, that I don't want you to carry this burden, this weight, hand it over so I can carry it for you".   When we try to control something, its usually out of fear.  We want to be in charge or be able to direct it which way to go.  The best thing to do, is just hand it over and allow God to have it.  Its easier said than done, but its also better than having God take it, to show you the hard way.

11.  Sometimes we just need to take a chill pill.  When things don't go the way we planned or hoped in our life, sometimes we just need to take it as it is and just know that God has it all figured out.  Instead of getting upset or discouraged, we just need to see what God already sees.  When we step back and let things go as they are supposed too, sometimes that's the most beautiful time in our lives and that we experience. 

12.  Not only do you need to forgive others, but you need to learn to forgive yourself.  People tell me all the time that Im hard on myself and its true.  I own up to my mistakes and point them out.  Over the years I have learned to forgive and that holding a grudge or being bitter at someone who has hurt me, only harmed myself more than anything.  I forgot though that I need to forgive myself.  One day I realized this burden I carried wasn't on the other person, because I wasn't mad at them, but it was me.  I realized I hadn't truly handed over my faults and my shame over to Christ, so I asked God for forgiveness.  A weight was lifted off of me. 


As this year comes to a close and whether it was a good year for you or a bad year or maybe you had a lot of good and bad, just remember all the lessons and memories and take them forward with you.
We need to learn to allow God to direct us, especially since we are about to start a new year.  My suggestion is to hand over this next year to God and allow Him to work in your life, to open and close doors, to be there when the hard times come and even there during the good times.  He wants to be number one in your life and He wants your attention and dependence on Him.

I want to keep growing this next year.  I want to become even more of a godly woman than I am now and I want to share Jesus to people.  I want to keep losing weight, to get to my goal and I want to check some things off of my bucket list. I want to be there for others and help others in any way possible.  I want to be an example and share my testimony with others.  I want to be a better friend, granddaughter and keep working on myself to becoming the best wife and mother I can be. I don't know what God has up His sleeve with me this next year, but I'm eager to see Him work. My life is in Gods hands and what better hands can my life be in? 

Thank you for being a part of my life and my journey with this blog.  This blog is truly a blessing for me as I watch my heart transform with God working in my life. 

"A woman is not born a woman.  Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. 

A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be."

Idolatry

As the past 10 months or so since I have been on this journey of growing, finding out who I am and also facing alot of my past issues that I have gone through, something else has came to the surface.

Its crazy to me, that when we allow God to work in our lives and to show us our faults, that He does just that, He answers our prayers!  There have been things brought to my attention that I never even realized was an issue or I didn't realize the extent it was.  One thing that I know was brought to my attention is everyones spiritual gifts and talents.  I have been known to hold people back from God using them out of selfishness and insecurity.  Now I look at it as a beautiful thing and I actually love to watch people use their talents and abilities.  I may not be a singer, but I love to watch and listen to someone who God has given a beautiful voice too.  I may not can build a house, but I love to see people who can and to help others. 

I'm not a big fan of Joel Osteen, but for some reason I was listening to him the other day on TV.  His whole sermon matched with my walk that I'm going through now.  Ive known in the past that I have a tendency of putting the men in my life before God, not realizing that I'm doing it, but eventually when it gets too far, I notice it.  I remember going into a relationship telling him that I do tend to put men before God and to show me when I start to do it.  First, it wasn't his responsibility to see it or even to tell me, but it should be something that I give to God each day.

The truth of the matter is, alot of us put "idols" in front of God. I always thought when reading the Bible that these "idols" were of a gold calf and they bowed down to it, so it really never dawned on me of when I put a man in front of God, that it was actually an idol.  I was watching this other sermon on idols and he said, how you know you have an idol is when you lose something or someone, you want to end your life, because you cant imagine going on in life without it.  Also, if something or someone consumes more of your thoughts than God.  I remember trying for a baby years ago and it was all I could think about, that became my idol.  Looking back in 1929 when the stock market fell, so many people killed themselves cause they lost their money, that became their idol.  Some people put so much time and purpose in their children and making them happy, that they become their idol.  Alot of people lose it when their husbands or wives leave them, they were their idol.  People have known to lose their jobs or strive to get to the highest point in their career, that when they don't get their promotion or if they do lose their jobs, they don't know what to do with themselves, they lose their identity, an idol.  You can actually become your own idol in your looks, striving to be the most fit or the most beautiful, that can become your idol. 

Its showed me what myself and even others put so much time and effort in, these worldly things, temporary things.  The truth is, with me, is I put so much expectations in these men that they never could satisfy me.  Well, they cant, nor they ever could, because I was seeking in them, only what God could provide.  People are going to fail me, they are going to mess up, they are going to say and do the wrong things, because they are human and they arnt perfect.  Its really a great freeing feeling in knowing when God gives me a mate that this is a struggle of mine and I will have to give it to God each day, but I know my problem and now can work on it.  I pray everyday that I don't want anything or anyone to be put before God.  I pray that God will send a mate that together we can give each and every problem, item, children, house, family, love, etc to God and as a couple God will be the center and front of it all.  

Its helped me to realize to forgive and to move forward and not keep bringing up peoples past, because Christ doesn't do that to us.  I actually sat there and thought one day of how I used to be.  I used to bring up what someone did months or even years ago, out of fear of it happening again.  I have been guilty of asking God for forgiveness and then repeating the sin for what I had asked God to forgive me for.  Truth is, God doesn't throw it back in my face when I do wrong and ask Him to forgive me, so why would I do it to someone else?  Also, I wouldn't want that person to throw my past faults back in my face.  

Let me just say, my God is a loving God and I am very thankful He has been patient with me and has given me these eye openers of my life so I can truly be the godly woman that He wants me to be.  I want to be used, I want to show others Jesus, I want to share my faults, my struggles and even my mistakes, so hopefully someone can learn or not do them.  I also want to share my problems and struggles, because alot of them that have been brought to my attention was something I didn't even know that I struggled with.  You cant work on something you don't even know you have a problem with.  

 

I pray and ask God everyday to mold me into the woman He wants me to be.  I wonder sometimes that it seems like this process is taking forever and right when I think I have learned all the "big" issues in my life, He likes to sneak in another one and its usually a major one.   Truth of the matter is, it hasn't been an easy road.  There has been a lot of rollercoaster emotions and crying out with not understanding.  Only God knows how long this process of mine is going to be till the next season of my life comes in.  I have to literally take it one day at a time and keep working on myself.  God has shown His hand in my life more lately than I could ever ask for.  I know Im walking the right path, when I keep getting abundant blessings!  My Father is a loving, gracious, forgiving Father and all I want is to keep Him front and center in my life and in my family's life!

 

My question for you is to really ask yourself, is there ANYTHING or ANYONE that comes before God?  It could be TV, your phone, your computer, your mate, your child, your career, your house, your family even.......

Is there anything in your life 'you don't think you could live' if it was to be taken away?

 

All I can say with my walk in this life, that everytime I put something in front of God, He took it away.  My God is a jealous God and He wants your love and attention and your worship.  He wants to be center of your life without any worldly thing coming before Him. 
 

 

 

Planting for the future

Have you ever heard the term when talking to a Christian, "They bear fruit".  Do you know what that exactly means?  It means they are being Christ like, they are showing others how Christ was/is.  They are showing an example of what God expects from us.  Alot of times you can see someone and know if they are walking with Christ or not, just by their words and actions.  No one is perfect of course, but by simple lifestyles can show a great amount of their walk.

 

Colossians 1:10
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God . . .

So tonight while I was reading my "One month to live" book, I came across today's message and wanted to share.  In John 12:24, Jesus explains, "I tell you the truth, unless a kernal of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds."  The seed has to go into the ground, and in the silence of the ground, it dies.  All alone there, it opens up to bring forth life.  In the same way, we have to die to ourselves--to our selfish desires and goals and dreams--so we can plant an unselfish seed.  If we invest in peoples lives, then our legacy becomes like a giant oak, providing life for generations to come.

There is life in the seed; there is nothing but rocks inside the pebble.  The seed has power and potential in it; it produces life.  Unfortunately, some of us spend our time planting rocks--no potential, no life, no fruit.

Most farmers will tell you that where you plant is almost as important as what you plant.  A seed has potential, but if its planted in bad soil, theres not going to be any fruit.  The soil in Jesus parable represents different types of lives, and the first one represent a callous life.  Jesus describes it this way: "When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart.  This is the seed sown along the path (Matthew 13:19).  This is the picture of people who are not interested in spiritual things at all.  They're just living for themselves, planting selfish seeds.  The impact of their lives will be like a footprint on the beach-here today and gone tomorrow.
 

The next type of soil represent a comfortable life.  This is the picture of people who have committed their lives to following Jesus but are not growing deep in their relationship with Him.  When problems and stresses set in, they give up.  "The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy.  But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time.  When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away" (13:20 -21).  These people think that when they become a Christian, their lives will always go smoothly.  But the Christian life is not about comfort; its about character.  God grows our character when we step out and plant seeds of faith, and it usually stretches us and makes us feel uncomfortable.  In fact, "without faith, it is impossible to please God" (Hebrews 11:6).  God never promised a life that's convenient and carefree.  He does promise us an abundant life of joy without worry if we'll look to Him daily for our needs.  When we trust Him, life is a daring adventure where we step out in faith and become fully alive.  He is a great God who wants to do amazing things in our lives.
 

Yet other seeds fall on a type of soil that represents the crowded life.  This likely describes most of us.  This seed begins to grow, but then the thorns and the weeds run rampant, and the young plant is chocked out.  "The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth chock it, making it unfruitful" (Matthew 13:22).  This is the picture of people who start to follow God but surround themselves with things that wont last and cant produce life.  Their days become completely crowded with too many items--many of them good things--that compete with what they know to be true.  Soon the busyness chokes out time for their relationship with God.  Just as in any relationship, the more time we spend with God, the better well know Him.
 

The final type of soil is the rich, fertile ground of the complete life that Jesus describes: "But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown"(13:23).  This is a picture of people who receive Gods truth, plant it deeply in their lives, and yield an impact that's felt for generations.  That's what God wants to do in your life, but you must never lose sight of your fundamental motives: Why are you planting? Whats your purpose or goal in life?  "Do not be deceived:  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows" (Galations 6:7)
 

If you plant temporary things, you are going to harvest temporary things.  If you plant eternal seeds, you are going to be harvest eternal fruit.  If you plant generosity, you are going to harvest generosity.  If you give grace and compassion, you are going to get grace and compassion.  Whatever you give out in life, you are going to get back.
 

If you want to know that your life matters, then you  must be willing to plant eternal seeds in the fertile places of your life.  When you focus on knowing Gods Word and commit to loving others selflessly, you can expect a bumper crop of blessings in your life.
 

Christmas Decorations 2014

 This year I did a lot of different things than I normally do.  I put new Bulbs on my tree, but usually I put ones from my childhood and up.  I also color coordinated my kitchen with red and silver and decorated my tree with blue, silver and gold.  I got a little nativity scene with the picture below that spells out PEACE!  This will be a good Christmas as I focus on the tree meaning and realize what I do have!

What season of life would you consider yourself in right now?

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, "Why did I do that?" or "I wish I knew then what I know now, maybe things wouldn't of turned out the way they did?"  I'm sure most of us have said something along those lines in our lives, especially as we get older and wiser and learn from our mistakes the hard way.

As I have had this time to learn about myself, myself with Christ and even the roles of a husband and wife, I look back and feel so sorry for the way I have treated some people.  God has placed great people in my life and because I was so self righteous, those people were removed from my life.  I think as I learn more everyday, that I just want to say sorry to them, especially my last relationship.  

I'm really not one of those ones that think if I could go back in time and change something, then I would.  I'm more of a person who learns and tries not to do it again.  Sometimes though I need many lessons before it clicking.  Walking the walk I have with God the past 9 months, I learned with Gods word and devotional type books that line up with scripture.  I can honestly say I wish I was the woman I am today, back then, but then would I be the person I am today with the lessons and knowledge that I have learned?  Sometimes it takes people walking away or losing someone or just having your feet knocked out from you for God to grab your attention and shake you and wake you up.  We all have a choice to repeat things in life or really take the time, the season God has given you and fully use it to the best you can, to glorify God.  I have felt God lately prepare me to be a wife and even a mother.  I honestly feel like I grew up 9 years of my 20's in 9 months.  

I cant wait to apply what God has taught me and instilled in me to my future husband.  I want to respect him, honor him, support him and let him lead our little family as Christ leads the church.  I know God will give me a godly man who wants to please Him.  I want to be the wife that pleases God and nurtures and honors her husband and family.  I used to always say I never wanted to marry a preacher or a man in military style service.  I felt one day God kinda tug on my heart and said, "Could you be a preachers wife?" (I felt God smile after that)  I knew in my heart I could be whatever God wanted me to be and if that situation was to arise, I would trust God and stand by my husband.  I want to help lead people to the Lord.  I want to be the godly woman that can help reach out to other women and be there in the hardest of times.  I feel that God has allowed me to go through things in life that I could help benefit and encourage other women and to simply just let them know that I understand what they are going through and what Christ did for me.  

I don't know what the future holds or if I will ever be a preachers wife.  I honestly try not to look too far ahead.  I have even went and bought me a planner because I kept forgetting things, because I was so focused in the now.  In the past, I was really horrible at living in the future and God loves to show me that whatever I plan far ahead, wasn't His plans and so I just let God know that its His will for my life.  I sometimes still try and grab the future by the horns, but I quickly let go.

I want to ask you all a question, what season of life would you consider yourself in right now?  Scripture says,

Ecclesiastes 3:  To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to week, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to regrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love and time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Every aspect of our lives is as to a season, and there is a purpose for those seasons.  There is a reason for the season.  There is a purpose for the process.

If I look at my life right now, it wasn't how I planned at the beginning of the year.  I would be days away right now marrying the love of my life, instead I haven't seen him in 9 months.  God knew that I couldn't be the wife that God wanted me to be if I didn't go through this season of my life.  I'm pretty sure I would never of grown or gotten this close to God if I was still in that relationship.  I would of never found who I was in Christ or even found my self worth.  I probably would still depend on a man to make me feel beautiful instead of me knowing I'm beautiful because I am who God created me to be and to look like.  Was this process a difficult one?  Of course!  Did I want to go through this?  Heck no!  Am I glad I did?  Most definitely!  Now that I feel secure with myself in Christ and Christ alone, theres a comfort and peace I never felt before.  I explain it as being stripped, and no one likes to be stripped of everything you have ever known.  Its honestly the best way God can use you and to help you become the person He wants you to be.  

I don't know what the future holds.  I try not to worry about it, but I'm human and at times I feel like I'm always going to be single or that my prayers are all for nothing, but I'm reminded that's the enemy feeding me those lies.  Truth be told, God cares about my love life and He cares about your love life, and I know that I'm trusting Him that He is molding me for my future husband and Hes molding my future husband for me.  I pray for Him everyday 100 times a day and I hope he is doing the same for me, but if hes not, then that's okay!

Whether your single, in a relationship or married, just remember to keep God first and foremost.  Honor, respect and love the mate in your life.  If you are struggling with something, go to Mardels or pray about which book that you might can read that will help with the struggles you are facing.  Also, don't forget to go to God and pray and ask for His help.  

Remember that the devil is roaming around trying to destroy all God given relationships that will help further Gods kingdom.  He is also roaming around to steal, kill and destroy and try and not let the evil of the world get in the center of your relationships.  Lusts, sex and temptation is out there, but with Christ, He will tug your heart and allow you to escape.  I have met with a few friends who struggle with certain things, but we cant allow our human desires to overcome the best of us.  I honestly pray for God to help me with sexual desires, because I want to be able to save them for my future husband, he deserves the best of me!

 

This time of the year can be so wonderful and so depressing.  This time of the year can remind you of a lost loved one who isn't here or it can be challenging with all the time and running around or even finances of what the world says you need to do.  This time of the year can also be wonderful with the music and cheer of Jesus Birthday and spending time with family and the ones you hardly see.  The world perceives this time of the year to be more stressful than thankful, but no matter who or what is in your life or what is going on, just remember that God has you right where you are for a reason and allow Him to work in your life to better it in every way. 

 

I am so thankful that I have this blog and that God touches and tugs my heart to write these words and how I feel.  I wrote this actually 2 months ago and I had to change the time frames in this blog, but I know this is one way that God has given me to share Him with others and my personal struggles and growths.  I hope everyone truly is seeking God and His plan for your life.  God will give you more than you ever could dream of and He can comfort in ways no human ever could. 

 

Remember to exam your life and see what season you could be facing right now and ask God to show you what you need to do or to learn during this time!  No matter what, just know God is always there! 

Walking with Christ isn't always easy, but its the best place you can be!

Ive noticed something about myself recently.  I am doing things that I normally wouldn't do, buying things I normally wouldn't buy, saying things I normally wouldn't say and its all for good!  I am officially, but slowly coming out of my bubble, my comfort zone and I love it!  I doubt those choices at times, but I still take that step.

The other day I needed a new purse.  I found one, one that I normally wouldn't of been drawn too, but it called my name.  I contemplated on it for a good 15 minutes, carrying it around with me, but I noticed I was loving it more.  What if I never would of picked it up cause it wasn't my usual go-to purse?  What if I never looked at it because it wasn't a color that I wanted?  Now I love it!!! 

I also have noticed me helping others more, whether it be with words, with finances or with just fellowship and let me say that God has been pouring out his blessings on me, because I know its where my heart is and we all know that God knows our hearts more than we do!  I feel like for the past 3 months or so I have been finally growing up and allowing God to work in my life.  I can feel Jesus shining through me and I know this is how God wanted me to be all along.  Before, I was very selfish and lived inside my bubble.  Things needed to go a certain way, traditions needed to stay the same and I didn't want any room for growth pretty much.  How could I ever grow with my future husband if I'm stuck in my own way?  How could I ever explore more or even befriend someone way different than me, if I was stuck in my way?  I know that's not how God wants me to live. I know He will remove people and things from my life for me to go out and be an example for Him.  

I have heard the story in the Bible of the man who was by the pool for 38 years, waiting for his miracle to be healed.  Jesus came by and told him to "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."  I  have heard this story more recently back to back and I know sometimes when we hear things over and over that maybe God is trying to give us a hint.  This is the time that God has given me to better myself, help me to grow in Christ and be a better example to others, to be more Christ like.  Well He cant really use me if I'm stuck in my bubble, with me stuck on the side of a pool waiting for my healing for 29 years.  I am getting up, walking, trusting and getting away from the pool side.  I'm slowly walking, its like walking for the first time, I'm a little wobbly, but its okay, because I'm walking.  Am I like Peter coming over the boat, about to walk on water with doubt, fear and uncertainty with my eyes on Jesus?  Of course!!! I'm human!  Do I take my eyes off of Jesus sometimes and sink? Yes!  But Jesus is right there grabbing my arms and pulling me back up.

I have heard my whole life that I was raised in a bubble and its true, but I know its not where God wants me.  I know God has great plans for me.  He is living and breathing within me and I follow.  There are times where I feel like I'm at a resting place and I don't want to rest, I just want to keep going to the next best thing, but God likes to slow me down and let me enjoy my view from where I am right here, right now.  He doesn't want me in a hurry to get to the next place in life, He wants me to be content with where I am, before He challenges me and opens up eyes up to something new.  

God has been closing doors and opening doors in my life.  I have been sad at times, because a door that was recently closed was 'comfort', but I know in my heart that it was time to close that door and God has great things planned before me.  I know I will struggle and at times not understand what God is doing, but as of now, He has given me this peace that its all working for the good for me.  

I challenge you reading this if you are stuck in a bubble, to pick one thing to do different than you  normally would.  Something that was so small, but yet so big to me is that this is the first year in my whole life where I didn't put my childhood ornaments on my Christmas tree.  I put some new ornaments on there.  Deep down it bothers me, but at the same time its freeing!!  Its time to do something different, its time to look at a different scenery.  Also for Thanksgiving I didn't get a ham like I normally have and for Christmas I'm already planning a different meal than in the years past. I know these things sound so small, but traditions that I have had has caused problems with friends and even some relationships and I never budged.  That's how far in my bubble I have lived.  So now God has been showing me that when I do something different, its actually fun, its actually exciting!!!  Its like I'm breathing fresh air.  My bubble has been stinky and cloudy for a long time and its time I live in the arms of Christ and allow Him to use me and let me see people and things the way He sees them.  

I want you to allow God to show you new things!  I pray that God will work in your life and let you finally LIVE!!!!  Life is way to short to be stuck in this one-way mindset.  I want to travel, explore, live and meet people who might need my help, advice or encouragement.  Living to help others does something to you internally.  Going outside your bubble and seeing other peoples happiness, hurts, losses and blessings, teaches you a new way of Christs' mercy, grace and love.  When you are always looking in your own bubble, you see what you don't have, whats wrong with you, why things happened to you.  YOU, YOU, YOU!  

I just love my heavenly Father for giving me this time in my life to mature, to grow in Him and to teach me these life's lessons.  I hope that maybe someone reading this who is living inside their bubble, might can pray and ask God for Him to open their eyes and reveal to them their struggles.  

Walking with Christ isn't always easy, but its the best place you can be! 

Here it is....*WARNING PICS*

 So here it is.....MY BODY!!!!  I have many stretch marks and many scars, I actually have 5 more since the latest picture from a couple of weeks ago at the bottom of this blog.  I'm not sexy, nor will I ever be, but its me and I'm real!!!!  I wish I knew what I know now about food, 15 years ago when I started to gain weight. 

I started gaining weight mostly around when my mom died when I was 16.  I always have been a chunky kid, never been "skinny", so I don't even know what it feels like.  When my mom died I gained 40 pounds that year and that's when all my stretch marks started to appear.  Its also when I was in my first relationship and so we all know what happens when we get into a relationship, we all get comfortable and gain weight. 

From when I started dating to when we divorced I literally gained 100 pounds.  At my most fit in high school I was roughly 180 and could do the splits in the air.  When he left 10 years later, I was 280.  My weight has been a struggle my whole life.  After my last relationship ended this year, I knew my insecurities was a huge issue and I wanted to beat it.  I wanted to love me and feel confident within myself and in my relationship.  Now I know that this is something that I will always have to deal with and work on each and everyday, but I'm determined to do it.  When I look at the girl on the left, I don't know her anymore and I'm honestly sad for her.  I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about the person that I used to be.  I didn't love myself, I didn't have any confidence, I walked with my head down and I was in denial.  I felt as if I needed to show some cleavage or get dolled up all the time to feel needed or desired, which is all wrong.  I'm so glad that I read how to be a Proverbs 31 woman this year, because it taught me to be modest and to eat right and to be successful, and that will attract the right people in my life and even the right men.

I'm not to my goal, but I really felt it was time to show my belly and where I have came from.  I think of my future husband and what hes going to get with me, but this is me and I'm trying to be the best I can and I know that the man God has for me, will love me and my strength and determination to be healthy and to glorify God. 

As the picture is below, I got the love handles!!  Ive never been a "pooch" kind of belly, but I definitely stick out wide more than forward. 


As this year is ending and another one to begin, I can sit here and say that it wasn't the way I thought this year was going to be, but I know God needed to teach me some things and for me to grow and be the woman that He wants and needs me to be, so I can be the wife for my future husband, whenever God sees that we are both ready.

I know a lot of people are thinking of losing weight as the New Year begins and I just want to let you know that you can do it!!  You can honestly set any goal that you want.  What I like to tell people is that we are all different and what works for me, might not work for you.  I know people who do Weight Watchers, Atkins, Advocare and I know people who work out daily and it works for them.

My suggestion is that you find your weakness first.  Set you a goal and write down everything you eat for lets say, 21 days.  To the average person, they look at 21 days and is like, "heck no".  Just think though at my results and this is since March 1st of this year.  I had to start somewhere and I had to learn what works for me.  If you are a sweets eater, don't eat sweets for 21 days.  Maybe you eat a lot of bread, don't eat bread or don't drink soda or don't eat pasta or no alcohal.  Or if you want to do what I did......I did none of those for 21 days and lost 19 pounds in 19 days WITHOUT exercise.  As you progress and as you learn, you start to learn about healthy fats and bad fats, you start to learn what certain foods do for you.  I know greasy, heavy foods make me sleepy and feel like crap.  I know dairy makes me bloat and can upset my stomach.  I know when I eat bread that I'm pretty much consuming a cup full of sugar.  That is how I think and my mentality.  If I want to eat a sweet, I have gone and bought some fiber brownies or cookies and leave them in my basket of snacks and when I want one, I get it.  You start to learn to not deprive yourself of your cravings, but they are all wrapped individually, so it helps your portions.  You have to train yourself and tell yourself everyday your going to do this. 

I have gone on trips and have slacked and its very hard to get back on your routine, but it all comes down to your mentality and how determined you are.  My suggestion if you don't like working out, is don't work out AND try to eat right all at the same time, because from what I have seen and I'm talking about myself too, ITS TOO MUCH!!!  I knew that I needed to learn how to eat right FIRST and then I would slowly get more active.  It was months later when I started losing weight is when I would have some weights at home and lift them for my arms.  I would get in the floor and do leg and stomach exercise's.  I then went out and bought a bike and road miles a day for awhile.  Then I started going to gym and lifting weights and pushing myself hard in cardio.  Then I started to gain muscle and I told myself that I wanted to reach my goal of 180 before I start toning and I knew that if I was gaining muscle it would be longer for me to get to my goal so I stopped.  This is what works for me though, you just have to listen and learn about your body.  Once you start learning about your body and what works it actually is interesting and a beautiful thing. 


So the pictures of me in my bra and pants were taken back in December of 2012.  I was determined in 2013 that I was going to lose weight!  HA, another New Years Resolution that didn't happen.  So I was 263 there.  I did end up losing 20 pound that January and then I had my first gallbladder attack and so I stopped.  Its crazy cause here is its almost 2 years later and I just got it removed a few days ago.  Anyways....the other ones in my shorts are from a couple of weeks ago with me about 206.  I honestly thought these pictures were going to be for me, I never intended on showing them, but I love seeing peoples bodies transform and how they change and their confidence grows.  Their bodies arnt perfect either, but their PROUD!!!  They know they are human and they have weaknesses, but now want to love and enjoy life and push themselves to be happy within themselves.

Now someone might be a plus size person reading this and loves their body and that's great!!!  I admire big beautiful people with their confidence, but that is something that I could never grasp within myself.  I love all shapes and sizes for God made us all different and we are honestly all beautiful.  I don't want to be like anyone else anymore, I just want to be the best me!!!!

Toby Mac Concert

On Novemeber 8th, my friend Jessica and I went to the Toby Mac Concert here in Wichita Falls.  The openers were Matt Maher and Ryan Stevenson which they both did great.  I love Christian Concerts and how I feel when I leave them.  I listen to 99% Christian music and its just another thing that helps me stay closer to God and walk in His path that He has for me.   

O