Broken Together

Lately, I have been listening to the song 'Broken Together' by Casting Crowns.  In fact I never heard of it, but was trying to find a song of theirs on YouTube and then I came across the title and it seemed perfect for my life right now.  The more I listen to it, the more touching it gets.

Mark Hall writes:

"Broken Together was inspired after several conversations I had with friends on relationships," says frontman Mark Hall, who wrote the song. "Marriage is tough, and it got me thinking about how we bring a lot of fairy tales to the picture when it comes to marriage. We think, 'This is going to be perfect. We're not going to have any problems.' And then the problems hit and you don't know where to file those into your picture."
Hall says he views the song as a reminder that people in hurting marriages can still have hope. "We are all broken people, but when we make the choice to meet each other where we are, God's love can make something beautiful out of our brokenness."

Ive been married before and I can admit to it being one of the most hardest relationships that you can have.  Its 2 people trying to come together and make something work as a team and when life comes at you, sometimes you can go against each other or it brings you closer.  I remember feeling like an everyday routine seemed like I had a roommate as we passed each other in passing to and from work.  I promised myself that my next marriage would be different.  I know trials and hardships will come, but I know its a relationship that I will continue to work
on each and everyday.  Marriage is a beautiful thing even when you cant stand to look at that person for whatever reason. 

I know I was made to be a wife.  I know I was made to submit and to encourage my husband.  I failed the first time, so now that I know what I know, I promise that I will be that supporting wife.  Alot of my friends have opened up to me about their struggles and that's what I want everyone to know.....Every marriage struggles!!!  It may seem as if  [NAME], they have the perfect life and their in love after so many years, but no one wants to admit the struggles.  No woman or man wants to admit that their spouse, looks at porn, talks to other people, drinks to much, hits them, spends their money foolishly, sits there and doesn't talk to them, or wants to leave.  Some people can reach out and ask for help, but we all our human and we all have temptation, we all struggle, we all wonder if we made the right choice in our spouse.  The enemy can easily put a pair of goggles on your eyes and make you blind to the love you have for your mate.  God can renew any marriage and make it more flourishing than before. 

No ones life is perfect and some of our dreams get shattered.  Either your spouse cheats, you cant have a baby, or you lose everything you have.  This song reminds me that when you get married, you feel like you have all these dreams ahead of you and your life is about to begin, but things don't happen the way we expected or wanted them too.  We all have seasons in our lives, some good, some bad, some learning, some calm, some back to back problems, but God is there always. 

Honestly, I don't know why I felt the need to write this.  I'm not married right now or struggling in a marriage.  Maybe its because I feel like my dreams are on hold, I'm not sure.  I do know that everything is going to be okay, because God is in control and I have allowed Him to take my reigns and guide me during this journey of my life.  I feel as if you anyone reading this who may be going through a rough patch in a marriage or even a relationship that you just give it to God and pray about it.  If your spouse is doing something that is against God, hand it over to God and allow Him to work in your spouses lives.  Maybe your marriage is going average, nothing great nothing bad, but the spark has died down, how about you think of an idea to romance your partner.  Possibly, your marriage is just going wonderful, you couldn't be the most happiest in your life, Thank God for your happiness!!!

I know alot of friends who would love to be married, to have a partner, a mate, someone that they can take a vow too and love on every night.  I know we are made to have a companion in this life, that's why Eve was made for Adam.

You could easily be single and loving it, Ive been there!!!  There is nothing wrong with that, being content in who you are and who you are in Christ, trusting in Him that He will bring you someone at the right moment, is a great feeling!

Either way, God loves you more than any person on this earth could.  He will always be there, He will never leave you, never forsake you and will always provide!!!  His love is true love!!

Compassion

I cant believe myself.  I cant believe how I look at people so differently.  The past couple days, I have asked God to put people in my path to help in any way and God has done just that.  I have compassion for people that I never did before.  I know I sound heartless and don't get me wrong, I did care about people and their well being, but I focused so much on me and who was around me that I didn't have COMPASSION!!

I wonder how I lived before.  I really sit here wishing I could explain the change in me.  I thought I was this strong Godly woman, but I see a very selfish person.  I know I loved the Lord and wanted to do things that please Him, but my heart was very limited.

When Brian and my best friend would sit there and tell me they like to help people, I thought it was great.  I remember thinking, whats wrong with me? Why don't I want to do it to their extreme?  People take advantage of them, because they help so much, and they use them.  I remember thinking all these things, but I was wrong.  The small things I have done that I feel God has placed in front of me has made me look at my own life and see how blessed I truly am.  A few words and advice to a Walmart worker could possibly let her get pregnant and have her dreams fulfilled.  A simple phone call over one conversation, end up telling me some tragic news that they didn't want to tell anyone till further results, could help by simply praying for them, as they go through this. These are just 2 simple things that have been placed before me the past 2 days and it really does help you not focus on your life and your problems, but with my life, I still have hope and faith in God that what He has been telling me will still happen.

I'm not sure when I'm going to publish this blog, but its Saturday night, early Sunday morning and I'm so excited about going to church tomorrow and I'm going alone.  I want to hear a message and to praise God in singing!!!  God has been so good to me and has given me a peace that I was surprised I would have.

Yes, I love Brian and I hope that God brings us together when we are strong and confident in ourselves and our spiritual walk.  I know personally God has been doing His work in my life and letting me see through a new pair of eyes and I'm so thankful.  To pray the prayer, 'For God to mold me into the woman He wants me to be', was something I don't regret.  I feel Him molding me each and everyday and I'm honestly excited when God brings Brian and I together, so I can be the woman He needs to support Him in his walk with the Lord.  Yes, I said WHEN!! :)

I know you probably am wondering why I would say when, considering I don't know the future and your right!!! I don't know.....but I do know that if Brian and I don't end up together, then I'm going to have sit down and talk to God, because what I feel is so strong and I know its not me, because I have prayed for God to change my heart if its not right and so far......nothing.  Now I'm not stupid, technically, and I know my heart can change at any moment, but until then, I will say when.

My heart has been softened during this time in my life.  I have had a handful of people tell me to go help people and I know when something is said repetitive,  I feel its God giving me a hint.   Last time when I was newly single, everyone kept telling me to stop worrying about the other person and to focus on me and what God has me to do.  If only I listened to that right away, I would of saved myself alot of time and struggle.  This time I caught on to what people around me were telling me over and over and so I'm listening and its working!

I'm going to keep praying for God to show me or place people in my life for me to help.  I just realized that both times, God has placed those people in front of me who are going through something I have gone through.  I know that's how I will be used mostly in this life, because I know God told me from my early 20's, that I will write a book and share my testimony.  I do feel that God is still writing my story and of course He always will to the end of my death, but my story that needs to go into the book.  I pray everyday for God to use me!

I would recommend when you are ready, to pray the prayer for God to mold you into the man/woman that He wants you to be.  Everyone is going to be molded differently and have different circumstances.  With me, I feel like I needed to be separated to put my focus on God and His plan with no distractions, but that's how I work and God knows that's what I need. I feel like it takes me out of my comfort zone, out of the equation and makes me step back and look at myself and in that moment of selflessness and vulnerability, God can speak and show things to me more clearly.

Time

When March 12th came around I woke up upset, mad and anxious.  It was the end of the 2 weeks and I felt God preparing me for "time".  My friend and I talked even a week before about Brian and mines relationship and she said that she just feels that we will end up together, but its going to be awhile.  Her feelings said years, I felt months.  We both realize and understand that we don't go off of our feelings, but we just go by what we feel is our intuition.  We both admit to being wrong and then we have seen things happen that we felt before it happened.  I do have to admit, that I was in denial.  Two weeks ago, I did feel like God was telling me 2 weeks and so that's what I mentioned to Brian, but deep deep down I knew it was going to be longer.  Brian doesn't know this, I'm not proud to say this, but actually right after we fasted and he lost 30-40 pounds and I gained a pound and knew that I wasn't motivated to lose weight, I remember talking to God about Brian and I separating for a bit so I can focus on losing some weight.  It has nothing to do with Brian, but it had to do with me and keeping a routine, but that's really irrelevant.

The night before March 12th, we had a horrible wind storm.  In fact, I saw on facebook where Brian's parents neighbors tree fell on their car.  I woke up the next day to my grandpa telling me that our neighbors dead tree fell on our fence and it knocked down 75% of it.  I was instantly thought of JOB in the Bible.  I felt like the devil kept knocking all these obstacles in our way to distract us from focusing on the relationship.  It could of easily been a coincidence, but I didn't think so.  On top of it all, March 12th was my moms birthday, she would of been 55 and I think I could of used her more than ever that day.  I did go visit her cemetery that day.

A little later during the day I looked at my bank account to see how much money I had.  I noticed that Brian and mines money had less, so I saw that he withdrew some of his money.  I knew then that it was over, now I just had to wait for a few hours till I saw him.

I was on the porch talking to my cousin when he pulled up.  I asked if he would like to pray before we talk and he agreed.  After praying, I asked if he would like to go first or me.  He said he would like to go first, but before we started to talk, we went inside so we could see each other.  Brian told me that he lost himself somewhere from his last relationship to this one.  I have to admit that I changed Brian in a way, that wasn't on purpose, but it was a way that I thought would protect me?!  I just had this fear of my life repeating itself with what my ex husband did to me.  My ex husband used things to hide his adulteress relationship and what he did, so later after he left I figured out how he kept everything from me, so I "protected" myself and having Brian change or do things he normally wouldn't.  It wasn't right of me.  In fact I know now more than ever, that Brian or whoever is going to do what they want, when they want, however they want regardless if I say I want something done a certain way or not.  In a way, its a freeing feeling.  I know that, myself or that person will have to stand before God for their actions, thoughts or feelings.

I want to share my whole story, but this story isn't just about me, so I don't want to share someone elses story if they don't want me too, so I'm going to try and share what happened that night in a short way.

We sat down and Brian told me that he lost himself somewhere between his last relationship and ours.  I can sit here and say that when I met Brian to last Wednesday, he did change.  Brian is a very strong head person like me and we arnt going to do anything out of our norm unless we choose too.  I cant say that I changed Brian, because he made that choice, but I had my hand in it and I was wrong.  I fell in love with the man that I met and got to know and my insecurities and fears slowly change him and I'm not proud of myself.  During these past few weeks, I have actually found out who I am, who Christ wants me to be. 

Brian also said that he wasn't going to close the door and hes not sure why hes not, its not like him, but hes not going too.  He told me hes shut doors on people who simply didn't return a phone call, but all I can say is that it must be God.  I was really worried that the only answer for Brian was a yes or a no, but God stepped in and put a "wait" on it.  I talked to my cousin afterwards cause he knew how stressed I was and said, "Do you feel silly spending all that time worrying?  Do you regret doing it?"  I sat there and said, "No, because that just shows Gods mercy.  When I didn't think there was another way out, God opened up the window."

Brian said he cant fight for this relationship if he doesn't know who he is and I understand.  If a man can remove himself because he cant put 100% of who he is in it, then I can respect that.  He cant promise if we will end up, we don't know what God has in store, but I did promise him that I was going to remain faithful and not date, because I still see and feel him as my husband and I know if I did date, I feel like I would be cheating on Brian.  I don't know what a month from now will bring, if we bump into each other or if my heart totally changes and another man walks into my life.  I do know, that each and everyday, God reminds me that yes, he is the one and I need to fight, and my fight is praying.  During this time, I have been working on myself and allowing God to still mold me and I love it.  Do I have thoughts and fears that he will find someone else? yes  But I do try and focus on what God wants me to learn and do during this time, because I cant control anyone and everyone has free will.  I simply am trusting God that what He tells me is the truth and so I try not to worry about it.  When God thinks we are ready, I feel he will join us back together, until then, my eyes and focus are on God and the path He wants me to take.

Shame on me!

I definitely have been going through the emotions the past 2 weeks.  I have learned alot of who I am and I cant say I wouldn't take the past 2 weeks away.

Brian and I had been trying to grow closer with God and was trying to learn each other.  We are completely same spiritually, but we have different personalities.  We struggled with understanding each other and so we had been reading the book, Love and Respect and it did help us out alot.  The book opened up my eyes to how to talk to and treat a man.  I do admit my faults and say that I was not a nice girlfriend.  Brian came to me out of the blue, when I wasn't even paying attention and God tore down walls and shown me this amazing man that I had asked for and prayed for.  I know I'm sure I said this before, but I wrote on a list 3 years ago of who I want my next husband to be.  Brian was everything off that list, expect for 1 and it was he graduated in 04 and not 03, which is because my mom put me a year ahead.......its funny cause its so petty.  In fact those next few years I had added to the list but never wrote it down and I told some of my friends and it was 1. I wanted a man that's parents were Baptist and were still married 2. I want a Baptist man 3. I wanted to marry a man named Brian Adam, my Brian's name is Brian Allen.

To share and explain my diary's, I was not a good girlfriend.  I carried alot of baggage into this relationship and didn't know how to fix them and honestly, didn't understand why I was this way.  I knew we were happy, but we wernt fully happy.  I know Brian did everything right and tried 100% in this relationship.  He was amazing to me and I feel foolish now looking back on how I acted.

A week before Brian and I had a fallout, I had prayed and asked God to break my heart for what breaks His.  I knew what I was asking, but I knew that I needed to be 100% invested in God.  Also a few weeks before it happened, I had been praying for God to mold me into the woman he wanted me to be.  I knew I wasn't fulfilling Brian and I knew how I was and I was trying to fix it.  I knew I nit picked and I knew that my hormones were a little crazy (I have been seeing a hormone specialist for 3 months and they keep switching my medicines).

Two Sundays ago Brian and I visited a church downtown.  I enjoyed it and loved being wrapped in Brian's arms in church, listening to the service.  I never had felt that close to Brian spiritually.  In fact we had a little bit of time left after church and we went to lunch.  We sat down and talked about revisiting the churches that stood out the most to us.  I told Brian that I didn't feel a connection to any and he looked at me and said "You wont and you know why".  I knew instantly what he was talking about.  Brian knew that I have been praying to submit to him and for him to guide us in this relationship.  I knew that's what I needed him to do.  He told me that I will have a peace when it comes down to joining one and I knew he was right.  Everything seemed like it was going to plan.  That night when I got off of work, I was stressing out.  I knew our weekend was coming up and we had so much to do.  I never was mad talking to Brian though sometimes I come across that way, I just get in frantic mode because I like to be organized and nothing was planned out.  Brian told me to calm down and said that he would call the churches to look at to get married in.  I remember asking if he don't want too or cant, I can do it, its no big deal.  He told me he would and to stop stressing out.  I calmed down and we got off the phone. 

The next morning I had to go to my other job.  I woke up with this weird, off feeling.  I texted Brian to surprise him with a sweet text so he can read it when he woke up.  I remember posting on facebook that I hope its a good day, because its going to be a long day.  I was actually 9 minutes early for work, but still felt uncomfortable.  The song, "Its a good morning", came on and so I drove around the block before work and prayed while listening to that song. I remember working at my job that morning and something was off.  I left work and got angry because of drivers.  Looking back, I can clearly see the enemy was pulling me down and putting things in my way to make me fail.  When I got home and texted Brian, I asked him if he called the churches.  He told me he didn't, but not to worry because he will get it done.  I'm not saying I was right in doing this, but it hurt me alot.  I felt hurt from feeling as it wasn't a big deal to him when he knew how stressed out I was, I felt as if he didn't care, and I told him never mind and that I would do it.  I told him, "How can I submit to you, when you don't do what you tell me your going to do?"  I am not saying I was right, cause I know I wasn't.  I just know that I was going through the emotions that day.  I had just started all this new medicine just 4 days on it and I don't know if it was that or just me being selfish or both.  He told me that it was DejaVu.  I had been doing so good not to argue and I know Brian was tired of it.  To him, it was nothing and hes honestly one of those laid back people that take it one day at a time and I'm over here planning 5 months ahead on what we should do for July 4th.  The truth is, I need to be more like Brian.  The past 2 weeks, I have been more laid back and taking one day at a time.  I haven't planned anything, I have thought about planning anything and each day I grow more and more.

So I never let the topic go throughout the day.  I would get sad because I felt he didn't care, I felt mad cause I felt like he didn't care.  I was a brat and I'm ashamed of myself.  That night he told me that he needed to go to the hospital early in the morning for his family.  I got off of work and was selfish and called him at 1am.  I was crying and didn't understand and didn't feel loved.  I get what your thinking right now.  I swear to you, my hormones are crazy.  I just started the new medicines and I also later found out was pmsing too!!  My whole cycle has been messed up because of the medicines and.....moving on.  I asked if he could come over at 3am.  I wanted him in front of me and also planned on going with him to the hospital in the morning.  I didn't realize we were going to talk the whole time, but truth is, we were dead tired going in circles and of course we start talking about ending it.  When he got up to get his things, I hugged him.  He told me that this break up wasn't as hard cause we both agree and all these other things, when I realized, I didn't feel that way, I never did, I was just upset and tired.  I realized that this is still the man for me and hes going to be my future husband.  He told me that he still felt this way and that he wanted to take a couple of days and pray about it and if we feel the same way or think we cant invest 100% in it, then we should just depart ways.

I agreed and I started to pray!!!  That Tuesday I went to work and was stressing out.  I ended up going to the restroom and just saying, "Lord, I want your will done in my life".  Instantly, I was reminded from God that I prayed a week before, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours". I honestly sitting there, was told that I was keeping Brian from being used.  I was being selfish and stripping him away from God using him to use his spiritual gifts and talents.  I felt at peace and that everything was going to be okay, cause I knew exactly what I needed to do.  The next day I was okay!!!  The next day I worried a little cause I didn't know what Brian was thinking or what he was going to say, but I knew what I had gotten revealed, so I just thought everything was going to be okay.  

Brian comes over and seems okay.  He doesn't seem like he has bad news to reveal to me, but he starts talking and tells me, he doesn't think he can invest 100% and feels like God has shut the door and that I'm not supposed to be his wife.  I sat there with my mouth open wide.  I didn't even know what to say, because I was in shock.  I remember praying to God, "Lord what did I hear?  What did I feel?  What is going on?"  I told him what happened the day before and we were both just set in what we felt.  

I did tell him that God was giving me a 2 week time frame.  I didn't pray about it, but felt 2 weeks.  He said he would give me 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changed.  

The first day waking up God laid on my heart TRUST!  I wasn't trusting Brian because of fear, because of my past and what my past relationships did to me.  Brian never gave me a reason to not trust him, but I still didn't.  I texted Brian and told him I'm signing out of one of his accounts and told him I trust him and I'm putting the past away.  I knew I needed to do that for Brian, for me and for God.  I knew I needed to make a step forward in the right direction.  At first I didn't want too, but God kept laying it on my heart over and over and when I did it, I felt free!

The next day, God revealed to me my INSECURITIES!  My insecurities was very deep.  It went from me not feeling pretty or small enough, to even Brian's weight.  Also, just certain women in the room, if I felt they were more beautiful, I felt so ugly and unworthy.  That's the day that I started to tell myself in the mirror that I'm beautiful and I'm worthy, and I have said it everyday and I'm shocked at how its help my confidence.

The next day God revealed to me, SELFISHNESS!  This one, at the end of the day, had me bawling like baby asking God to forgive me.  I can look back and see how selfish I truly was.  Its even embarrassing to even say all the things that I did.  It went from his time to being called beautiful to all kinds of things.  How dare I!  Its shameful and horrible to look back and see all these things.  I cant believe I was even once that person, but low and behold, I pretty much been this person my whole life.  I am so blessed and grateful to be looking in this new set of eyes.

The next day God revealed to me, HANGING ON!  I can look back and see all of my relationships, with people, family, and romantically.  Shoot, I can even say jobs and things.  I hold on to things like their mine.  God revealed to me that NOTHING is mine.  I know this, but for some reason I still did it, because I don't think I felt it.  I know I did this to my first husband, to the point that I didn't want my grandpa and my husband to be in the same vehicle together, because if they died, I would be alone.  God revealed to me that man can leave at any moment, whether its death or they just choose to walk away.  For some reason, when Brian came in my life and I feel like God gave me him, once we started dating, I changed.  He was mine!!!!  It was never a control thing, I honestly feel it was a fear!  So in turn I would do things that would make me feel better of him not hurting me, which may seem like control.  God revealed to me that, "Yes, I can give you a mate, but I can easily take him away if you put him before me or hold on to him and not seek me!"  Shame on me!!!!  How dare I!  Brian is not mine, he is Gods.  This house isn't mine, its Gods.  Myself is not mine.....I am Gods!!!!  I refuse to ever hold on to something when its not mine.  So if for some reason that Brian and I don't work out.....it was never mine to hold onto.

The next day, God revealed to me, I was very COMPETITIVE AND MATERIALISTIC in a way.  The truth comes out, all growing up, my mother was an only parent.  She strived to give me what I need and even want to make me happy.  She said no plenty of times.  I was also a chubby girl who played softball.  I had alot of the off brand things, but when I reached a teenager of course I need the new stuff and the name brand clothes and shoes.  My cousin, whom I love and adore dearly, we are 5 months apart.  She was the cheerleader, she got the new Mustang, I got the used Mustang.  My family were comfortable in finances and things and my mom struggled.  I'm an only child, so that's who I compared myself too.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think about it all day, everyday, but it was something that I dealt with.  My cousin is getting married in June.  I know shes going to have a nice wedding and she deserves it!!!  She has family that can help and they have good jobs.  When I started planning my wedding, I knew I didn't have a family to help and wasn't sure about Brian's family.  Brian and I got by, had a little bit extra, but nothing major.  I felt I needed to have a decent wedding considering my cousin will have a nice wedding.  Pretty much, I was in competition with myself and in turn I put alot of stress on myself and on Brian.  I don't know who's going to read this, but I want you to know, I love my cousin and it is not her fault, it was simply something that I dealt with mentally.  I talked to my cousin and I told her everything and she told me things that made me want to cry, because I was ashamed of myself.  I was ashamed of how I treated Brian and put so much stress on him and that I was planning this wedding all for the wrong reasons.  I instantly had this vision of getting married at the reception hall and having a small ceremony, small little dance and gathering, maybe some finger foods and whisk off to our honeymoon.  In fact.....that sounds so much more romantic than my original thoughts that I wanted.  Its amazing what God can do and how he can change your heart and your views on things.

I talked to my cousin who pointed something out that Brian would always tell me, but I disagreed.  I now see it with my new pair of eyes, the truth!  Deep down I wanted to be number 2 in Brians life, under God.  He told me that his family is number 2 and so am I.  I didn't understand, I guess maybe because I felt as if he was my husband even though I knew we wernt married.  I think maybe because I put him number 2 in my life, I should get the same.  I never wanted to take anything from his family, but I guess I just wanted to feel important.  Maybe its because I was selfish and I was my moms everything.  I haven't felt that in a long time and I guess I longed for it, all in the wrong way.  Truth is scripture says that a man must leave his father and mother when he is married and cling to his wife.  We wernt married and he had no obligation for that.  Shame on me!

  Am I ashamed of everything that I did? YES!  Why I am telling this in this blog, is because I want people to know that I am human and that I to have issues.....alot!!!  I want you to know that Brian is a good man and he put up with alot.  I am very ashamed and disappointed in myself.  I am very sorry for even his parents having to deal with me and all those issues. I am thankful for God revealing all these things to me and I know Brian got tired of it.  I know he fears that it'll happen all over again and I'm sure he don't know if he would want to deal with it.  It would be better to move forward and to not look back.  I do know that I am a changed woman.  I do know that I want what God wants.  I feel very disappointed in myself and it actually took me a good week to even forgive myself.  I asked God to forgive me and then I asked Brian, then I asked myself.  I do know that the enemy has been attacking us.  I wish you knew when Brian and I pray together or do a Bible lesson together how strong I feel.  I can only speak for myself, but I know Brian and I can reach out and touch many people with our walk with the Lord.  We strive to please God and do His will.  I have never felt strong with another person spiritually then I did with Brian.  I know we both love the Lord and want to help people.  Our gifts and talents are different but can be used together.

No one is perfect.  We all have our issues and our weaknesses and faults.  Will I stumble again?  YES!  Will I be selfish again? YES!  I can only in that moment when I am struggling with any of these issues is pray and ask God for His help, strength and guidance. 

I do pray for God to give Brian and I a second chance.  I would love to show him who God has shown me to be.  I did pray for God to mold me and honestly, if it has to do with Brian leaving then okay!  I told God, I choose you over Brian.  Brian is not mine and he has free will.  I love Brian so much and I do still feel right now that God gave me him.  God has always laid on my heart to forgive deeply.  I forgive, I am very good at forgiving, but not forgetting.  I don't carry the pain around, because I did forgive, I do on the other hand carry the fear of it repeating itself.  But God has opened up my eyes and I never want to bring up the past again, between myself and everyone else.

I feel like this whole new person.  I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world.  I know the enemy is going to be right behind me trying to tear me down, but My GOD is BIGGER!!!!  I want to help people in any way I can.  For the first time, I actually want to work in a church to help others, kids, young adults.  Maybe God is preparing me for my book.  I have been eager to write more lately, but I do also know that God is still writing my story.

I know this post is uber long and I know I probably lost you a quarter of the way.  I needed to share this because I want you to know that I'm not perfect.  I never claim to be perfect and I am a child of God.  I want to share what God has done for me, even in the midst of what I feel is a trial.  I feel like I had my future in the palm of my hand and it switched in a second, but the most amazing thing about it, is how much I grew in just 2 weeks.  God is awesome and He answered my prayer.  It was NOT the way that I wanted it to go or had planned, but God had it planned.  I have hours till I find out if the man I love wants to be with me or wants to move forward.  I will respect his decision, because he has free will and I cant change anything.  I have prayed day and day out for him to give me a second chance, but I know that right now, God knows what will happen.  I don't know if Brian is struggling with anything else, but I do pray for that and for his spiritual walk to be strong.  No matter what, as hard as it was to hand over my heart, I don't regret it.  I'm glad God gave me this man in my life, he has helped change me for the better!

Please say a prayer for us!

Diary: Day 10

I woke up this morning with weird dreams.  Lately, I wont lie I have been dreaming of my ex husband with Brian in the dreams.  I'm not sure what that means.  Theres nothing good, nothing bad in the dreams, but just awkwardness.  Rarely do I think about my ex husband, I can honestly say I moved on and I let that go.  I don't know if its the fact that I see Brian as my future husband so strong that its natural to compare my last husband?  I mean, I don't know, I don't compare the two because they are nothing alike.  I did have a fear of history repeating itself with cheating, but I think that's a normal thought to have sometimes.  I didn't dwell on it, but I did try and take over situations to where I think it could possibly, even though it was like a1% chance, of something happening.  Which that is another thing I let go of.  I'm not in control, Brian is not mine, and I have trust in him.  Will he be tempted, yes, so will I, but I feel as if we are strong committed people that with Gods strength we could overcome it.  I pray for him and he prays for me with temptation.

I did go out and buy something for Brian that I felt led to do.  When I went to the store I didn't have anything particular picked out, but I knew when I saw it, it would be something that I should get.  I picked up a few things actually and then I saw one book.  I picked it up, it was for men, and on the front, (which by the way, I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I got home and was putting it in the bag), says FIGHT.  That's what I'm doing for Brian, is fighting for us.  This book talks about men fighting the battles that matter the most and it talks about all areas of their life.  I don't know........no words can describe it, other than, that was the book!!!  I don't know if Brian will read it, I don't know if or when something touches him out of that book, for all I know he reads 8 years from now and it touches him, I don't know.  I also got him a little cross magnet that he can hang at work or at home, either way, and it talks about God leading you down His path.  I'm not one of those people that buys love, but I wanted him to have something that would be helpful, beneficial or encouraging.  Sometimes we just need those little lifts in life.  Crazy thing is, when I got home is when the enemy started attacking me.  I started hearing thoughts like, "What if I go over there to his work to drop it off and hes talking with another girl?", "What if he doesn't want it at all and it means nothing to him?", "What if me doing this is going to push him away?".  I had fear, doubt and insecurity come to my mind and thoughts and I knew exactly what it was........the enemy.  I rebuked the devil......either way.....I want Gods will done in my life and I can only do so much, but I'm allowing God to work in me and through me.

Throughout all this, I have been doing a 21 day cleanse.  Its not like the 21 day fasting, but to be honest, I feel like its been more of a fasting than a cleanse, because of how close I feel to God in this moment.  I'm eating to survive, I'm eating to be fulfilled, and to be nourished.  Pretty much what I eat, is grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, fruit and water.  I feel good and I'm satisfied.  Funny thing the other day, Brian kept looking at my belly, finally a littler later he says, "Have you been eating?", I said, "Barely", he said, "I can tell".  When I'm depressed, stressed or scared, I don't eat.  I have a 0 appetite.  Though when my mom passed when I was 16, I gained 40 pounds.  I have been looking in the mirror and telling myself that I'm beautiful and I'm surprised how confident I feel, even in this moment of unknowing.  I feel confident, not from an ego point of view, but confident in myself with how God made me and what God is doing in my life. 

Dear Heavenly Father, 

Thank you Lord for everything you have given me in this world and thank you for my grandpa and for him being such a Godly man in my life.  Thank you for allowing me to be raised with God fearing parents that wanted me to do whats right in this world and to always have a relationship with you.  I know I could of easily been born somewhere else, but you chose me to be strong, with your strength.  Lord, I give you Brian right now and ask Lord that you touch his heart.  I don't know his battles or struggles or whats tugging on his heart Lord, but I know as Christians, we all get this way.  I ask Lord that you give him a great big hug from you to comfort him and pour your love on him that it overwhelms him.  I also ask that whatever the enemy puts in his thoughts, with fears, doubts and uncertainty, Lord I rebuke the devil in Jesus Name away from Brian.  I pray Lord that he wont be tempted or have thoughts of starting over, but instead you speak to him on what your plan is for him.  I don't know Lord what your plan is for us, but I hope as a couple we can figure it out together and grow with your love and desires.  I never felt so strong about someone being my husband and I know its you Lord and I wont give up.  I need your hope and strength to keep fighting Lord.  I know the enemy will place people in front of us that will stir our eyes away from your will.  Please keep us strong and focused on you, always.  Please God give me the encouragement of what I need to do to fight this.  Please open up my heart even more and tell me what I need to do, if its to pray, reach out, not reach out or let him go.  I know Lord, that I want your will done in my life and I want to go down the path you have for me.  I pray God that today I will have a good day, Brian will have a good day and all my friends and family will too.  Please keep us safe and focused on your will!!!  I love you so much God and am thankful for your mercy and grace in my life, when I never deserved it.  Thank you God for always giving me chance after chance and never giving up, and I pray Lord that you will allow me to have a second chance with Brian as you have brought to my attention my faults that I have been carrying around.  I know you know whats best, so I have surrendered and will wait........I will take this one day at a time and listen to you!!!

In Jesus Name I pray,
AMEN

Last night when I was headed to drop off the gift, I was praying on the way over there.  In fact I turned the radio on and the song, Love is not a fight, came on and I cant tell you the last time I heard that song and I took it as a sign that God wants me to keep fighting, that I was doing the right thing.

When I got to work, I texted Brian about joining him to church the next day.  I waited all night and got discouraged, because he never wrote back till I went to lunch at 10:00.  I don't blame him and I never got mad, I just was struggling with thoughts of doubt.  I couldn't talk to anyone and I know my friends are tired of hearing the same thing all the time, but sometimes I feel alone in this relationship.  I don't know what Brian is going through or the struggles hes dealing with, but I am praying and fighting for us.  I know that God can do anything and touch peoples hearts and at times it can be so hard, especially when you don't know what that other person is thinking or doing. 

Please keep us in your prayers!

Diary: Day 11

I didn't get much sleep last night, especially with the hour lost.  I woke up with fear once I realized where my life is.  I knew last night that if Brian and I went to church today that I was going to ask him some questions.  A few people have mentioned asking him certain questions, but I think one of the main ones I felt led last night to ask that I was thinking on the way home was the simple, "What do you want?".  To be honest, if he doesn't know if he even wants to be with me, then I feel as if the praying switches the mind concept, if that makes sense.  For instance, the other day, when I wanted to text Brian, because I wanted and I prayed about it and God said, I shouldn't, made me pray again, but also that's not what I wanted to hear.  I had to remove myself from the room and go ask for additional prayer, because I wanted to go against God.  I cant speak for Brian and I don't know truly whats going on, which bothers me a little, because I wish we had a little bit more of communication, but it gives me doubt and unsureness if he really even wants this relationship.  I know Satan can make you feel like you don't want something and can even put goggles on you and look at the person differently.  I remember one time when Brian and I went to Dallas, I looked at him and I told him, I cant see you as my husband.  He got a little upset and prayed for me and told me he still feels the same, meaning, he loves me and sees me as his wife.  That lasted a good few days, but its what he does.....its what the enemy can do, but its up to you to work past it and pray for God to open up your eyes to how He wants us to see that person.

Diary: Day 9

Its my Monday at work.  Everytime I go to work and I'm sitting in a room with no windows, is when the enemy likes to put fear and negative thoughts in my head.  Alot has happened over the weekend and I'm going to try and stand strong with the promise that God told me that Brian is the one.  I have been praying that God will open up Brian's heart and lay on his heart what I feel, what God has been telling me.  When I saw Brian last night, I never saw him that way.  He looked numb, depressed and I hated seeing him that way.  He was unsure about so much and I know that can be discouraging.  Sometimes, and I'm not saying Brian is doing this, we tune out the "spiritual side".  Those moments when you feel far from God and you don't feel Him near, but the truth is, God is there, we just haven't let the walls down to allow him fully into our lives.  I have done that so much where it took weeks for me to hear and feel God.  The truth with that, is I was still holding onto something and wasn't allowing God to have it.  When I finally surrendered to God the other night and asked Him to help me give it all up, to not worry about Brian but to just pray, the next day I had so much peace.  I cried out to God and just simply told Him, "I cant do it Lord, I need your help, I don't know why I'm struggling so much, but I want to give all this over to you".

Brian can easily still tell me next week that he doesn't think I'm the one and wants to move on.  I do know as long as I feel the urge to fight for us, even if its through prayer, I will!!!  That's how strong I feel to do this, for us in a relationship.  I should be punished for what I did during the relationship with being so selfish and insecure and having trust issues.  I shouldn't get away scott free and I will fight and show Brian that I'm changing for God, not for him, but for God, cause I know if I'm pleasing God, I can please Brian.  Brian is worth fighting for.  I woke up all through the night and prayed for Brian and for myself.  I have gotten so much closer to God during these past 10 days that I never want to back off again from God.  I need His help and guidance 24/7, 365 days.

I have to admit, I'm in love with the new me.  God has let me see through a different pair of eyes.  I feel like even though its been just a week, I don't know who that person was before, like an evil side of Rachel, a side that I held onto for some unbeknown reason and it effected alot of relationships around me.  I'm still me and still will get mad, sad and hurt, because I'm human, but I never claim to be perfect.  I'm ready for God to use me in every area of my life and other peoples lives.  I'm thankful for having this wake up call.

This song is what I'm standing by right now  LOVE IS NOT A FIGHT

Relationships are about commitment, partnership, and every relationship has their doubts, their "its easy to walk away".  We forget about why we were drawn to each other, why we fell in love in the first place.  Our eyes start wondering, our hearts get soft and weaken, and temptation starts to be around every corner.  All I can say, is none of that is from God.  Doubt is not from God.  Everytime last week I doubted myself if I was hearing the right thing, I was also in fear, and God is not of fear, so I knew who was behind it.......the enemy!!!  I'm standing strong to this relationship and I know either way, whatever the outcome may be, I will be okay and I will keep on taking Gods path.  I don't fear of starting over, or meeting someone else, or being alone because I know God will put that person in front me, like he did with Brian.  Deep down, there is no one else, I don't see anyone else, I'm not interested in someone else, because this is the man that God wants me to be with.  Like I said before, God gives us free will and that's why I'm praying for Brian.  Hes a strong Godly man, but hes human and we all have our down time, our struggles, our closeness with God or whatever it may be.  I'm not Brian, so I cant talk for him and his spiritual walk. He could be super close to God right now and God hasn't spoken to him yet, because hes still working on me and wanting me to show God that I'm ready to be the new me.  Just like Brian, I have free will and I can easily keep my old side if I wanted too and just stay the same and not change, but for the record.....I'm changed and want to stay this way.  Theres hope, theres peace, I can look at myself and see that I'm beautiful, and its freeing.  I don't need anyone else to make me feel worthy, because God has shown me and helped me feel worthy because Jesus came on this earth and died for me.  I love it!!!  I knew that pretty much my whole life, but like I said, I'm human and I was looking for something in a man, only what God can give me.

I'm about go head off to work, please pray for me and Brian today as we are away and that God will both speak to us!!!! 

Diary: Day 8

I woke up with a sense of peace today.  I prayed last night to help hand over everything and I feel as if I have.  The unknown with Brian next week still lingers in my head, but I know I cant do anything and I know that Gods will, will happen no matter what. 

I had lunch with an old friend today and she told me alot of good advice.  I need to stop asking if Brian is the one for me, because I know God has already told me he is.  I need to hold onto the hope that God will speak to both of us and reveal the path He wants us to take.  My friend also thought of a song that reminder her of this situation, (Keep Making Me)  Before I met Brian, God was everything to me.  In fact when we started dating I remember telling him to please keep me on track for God to be number one and Brian said he could do that.  Some where along the way, I slipped and was allowing my flesh to feel like I could fix situations. 

This song says alot to what I'm going through.  I need to be broken to see what my faults were.  When I was stripped away from everything and shown my wrongs it was when I could be filled.  I need to feel lonely, so I can depend on God and not man.

Make me broken
So I can be healed - I feel like the issues that I have had, I needed to be broken to look back on my actions and allowed God to reveal them to me.
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel-  I couldn't feel what I was doing, though I knew it wasn't making us both happy, I just couldn't feel what he was feeling, only what I could feel.
I want to run to You
With heart wide open- This is exactly what I did when I didn't understand the situation going on.  I ran to God.
Make me broken

Make me empty-  I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and he did.  I still feel empty, knowing I screwed up so bad.
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will - I was holding on to what I feel should happen.  I have given it to the Lord and know during this time whatever may happen, will be Gods will.  Am I still hoping it goes a certain way?  Of course, but I'm giving it all over the Lord.  I feel that I did get filled with my wrong doings and God could still reveal more.
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty - Last night I prayed to God, I laid it all out and asked for Help, I know God is always there and I know His plan is best.  I needed to be stripped away from Brian to show me what I need to do and how to change.

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours- I'm going to be honest and say that I still struggle with this.  I am lonely, I know God is there, but.........well sitting here on how I feel, if Brian leaves, I know God will always be there, I know He will never leave or forsake me.  I am Gods, and I want to His will, so I can be the wife and mother that I am made to be.
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord- This might be where I struggle.  I do want Brian in my life, of course, I have felt a connection with him more than any other man in my life, but I would rather have God than Brian.  I can sit here and say that.
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely- I will wait on God and his plan.  I know this past week if I didn't go through this I would of never learned what I have and I know I'm still learning.  I have started to take this time to be shown what I need to do to change for God and for myself.  I know if I'm pleasing God than I will please Brian.  I love how God took me away, THANK YOU GOD FOR TAKING ME AWAY TO LEARN THESE THINGS, SO I CAN BE MOLDED INTO THE WOMAN YOU HAVE ME TO BE. 

I'm starting to get it!!!  I'm started to surrender and let God take the reigns.  I have to hold on to the promise like I said before that Brian is the one and believe that in time we will be brought together.  It could also change down the road and God needed me to fight for something, but it could also change because Brian has free will.  I don't know, but I cannot worry about all those things, but focus on me and what God is doing for myself.   Its crazy when someone gives you advice from the beginning and yet, you know it, but its hard to accept it and apply it in your life, until one day it clicks.  I'm glad it didn't take me too long to get here.  Will the enemy still attack me and make me confused and have bad days and give me no hope?  Of course.....but that's where I need to bow my head and pray and rebuke those thoughts.

I was driving in my car today and thought of something.  I went and visited my friends church and saw their new school and was walking out by myself and realized I want to help in a church.  I think with Brian wanting too so much and his mom asking for our help, I got ready and prepared to do it.  I know I can help people and kids and draw them closer to the Lord, but right now I don't have a church home.  I was driving in my car though and just thought of little girls that would listen to my advice and help them if they didn't have the structure home that they needed that I could be a good influence.  I know God will lead me since I feel he has prepared that in my heart.

I met Brian tonight.  After I went to therapy, she told me I should pray about meeting with him at the half way point and see if God leads me to meet up with him.  I did pray, had a few people pray and had peace about it.  I reached out and he responded and we met up.  I was so nervous that when I got there, I couldn't speak.  It took me awhile to finally get started, I felt like I was about to give a speech.  

I did, i kept it short, went to the basics.  I tried to let God speak through me and share what I need to share.  I asked for him to forgive me and he did, which meant so much to me.  I know I need to pray and have God speak to me and to him on what God wants us to do.  I miss him so much and I love him so much.  I hope next week, God opens up doors and shows him what I feel and see.  I know Gods path is going to work out and I have to have hope and faith that everything will be okay.  I also know that the enemy will be coming at me and giving me all kinds of lies and discouragement in my ears.  I'm going to have trust and faith in God, its all I can do!!!!

Please pray for us!

Diary: Day 7

Its been a week!  I feel as if its been a year, but yet a week from today we will see where our relationship goes from here.  To be completely honest, I'm expecting the worse.  I haven't talked to him, I don't know where he stands.  I have people pray, all over for us and that God will guide us.  Today wasn't a very good day for me.  I woke up with fear and it stayed with me all day.  I tried to keep myself busy and got some things done, but it never left my mind.  I even went for a long walk and prayed the whole time, but my focus wasn't on what its supposed to be.

This is what I want to share with you as a Christian and a human being.  I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with handing over my issues to God and I HAVE NO CLUE WHY.  I have handed over so much to God in my life and over the past few years and He has always provided.  Why is it so hard to trust God that no matter what happens with this relationship, that it will be for the good?  I feel like I'm punishing myself.  I feel as if God handed me this wonderful man on a platter and I ruined it.  I ruined with my selfishness, sexual sin, materialistic wants, worldly image, trust issues, insecurities, holding on to something that wasn't mine and holding him back from being used fully by God.  I GET IT!!!!!!! How horrible of a person do I seem?  How as a Godly woman could I have so many faults and not even see them so clear to the point of it damaging my relationship???  God has been working on me and revealing these things to me and I have been working on fixing them, but handing them over to God fully is something that I cant seem to do, not because I don't want too, but I'm having difficult time doing it.  I don't know if it has to do with the fact that in a week I don't know what is going to happen, so it keeps crossing my mind or what.  I don't want to carry this burden, I did ask for forgiveness and I need to ask Brian to forgive me, but I also think that I need to forgive myself.  I have been getting so mad at myself for possibly ruining it, but then I have to remember the prayer that I prayed and that God is making me a stronger Godly woman in this time.

Tomorrow is my first counseling session and I'm looking forward to it and also learning tools to help me to become the woman I need to be.  I did make sure to go to a Christian counselor and so I'm hoping to get the good advice I need. 

I don't understand why when I pray to reach out to Brian or go to church to help where his mom goes, I was told No all the time.  I don't know if he still needs time or what, but I have to trust God that He has a reason and a purpose.  I'm scared of the unknown, but I know who knows my future. 

Today when I was headed to the lake I saw a sign that read, "Don't fear the future, I'm already there" -GOD
I loved seeing that, I took it as if God was speaking to me, because I am scared, but I know I need to have complete trust and faith in God that His plan is better than my own.  I still need to hold on to the promise that Brian and I are meant to be and that he is the one.  I wouldn't understand why God would say he is and then he not be, unless Brian doesn't listen to God and moves on.  I know God gives us free will!


My prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you Lord for everything you have given me.  Please watch over me and my grandpa as we go through this life and keep us healthy and watch over our finances that we may spend to glorify you.  Please God watch over Brian and his family as they go through their struggles.  I love him and miss him so much, but have to understand that this is a time of me growing.  I know you laid on Rebecca's heart that I was about to have a transformation and I feel this is it.  I still feel God that you have been telling me that he is the one and I want to hold on to that promise no matter if a week from now he gives me a second chance and you lay on his heart that I'm the one.  Or Lord it could be 2 months or more from now and we bump into each other and are strong and where you want us in your walk.  I don't know Lord, but you do and I have to remember that you know what will happen.  I know God we have prayed over almost everything with choices we have made and the choices we wanted to make and felt led to join accounts as we were going to start this journey in life.  I also know Lord that I was very selfish, greedy, insecure and had other issues that interfered with our relationship and made us both unhappy.  Lord I take full blame for those and I am asking that you forgive me for each and every single one.  I know you gave me this amazing man that I dreamed of having one day and even wrote it on a piece of paper and you knew when you made us that we were going to born on the same day and 27 years later meet each other.  I know you have your plan and its for the best of us and I'm asking to go down the path that you have paved for me.  I don't want to mess it up anymore and I want you to mold me into the woman that you want me to be, even if its sacrificing my time or possible relationship with Brian.  I know I cant give him what he needs and wants as long as I stay this way.  I would love God for you to place on Brian's heart to help me as I go through this journey, but if not I understand.  I hope Lord that if Brian comes back in a week and still feels the same way that you could be telling him No because its Not right now.  Lord I need your help in helping me to make the right choices and to strengthen my faith and becoming that woman you have for me.  I struggle with handing all this to you, so you can mold me and I don't want to struggle.  Please give me strength God to have peace and do learn everything you want me to learn and to keep having hope.  Please give me a time of rest and allow the enemy to not interfere with me.  Thank you Lord for giving me so many friends who care and who are praying for this situation.  Lord I see Brian as my husband and I will keep fighting till you tell me no more.  Please God be with me as I try and lose weight, that I will make the right food choices.  Help me God to be a witness and an example for you, let you shine through me so others can see you.  I want you to use me to glorify you in every way.  I need your strength and peace throughout each day.  Teach me Lord what you want me to know, let me have an open heart to listen to you and to abide by you.  I trust you Lord that whatever may happen, will be for our good.  I love you so much and I don't want to let you down.  I will wait Lord!!!

In Jesus Name I pray........Amen!

I feel sometimes when I'm weak and tenderhearted is when I need to read my prayers.  I know I left out so much more, but I will add to them when I read them.  I hope one day I can look back on these diary posts and see all what God did during this time and how much I grew.  I need to fully trust God and give all these things to Him!!!! 

Please keep us in your prayers.....

Rachel

Diary: Day 6

Last night was amazing!!!  I was so tired and just wanted to go to bed, but stayed up till 5am.  I watched Fireproof and finished it.  I always start watching the movie and then never finish it cause I fall asleep.  During the end, I had a mini transformation.  I asked God to forgive me for being so selfish in this relationship.  That is not the person that I wanted to be or needed to be to glorify Him.  I was very disappointed in myself and ashamed of the woman I was towards Brian and towards God.  I have to say I bawled like a baby and asked God over and over to forgive me.  I know you can only ask once, but that was my cry out to God that I'm so sorry for Him giving me something so amazing, and I took it for granted.  I told God, I was ready.......I was ready to be transformed into the woman He wants me to be and this huge weight got lifted off of my shoulders.  My whole focus right now is on me and who I need to be in Christ and who I need to for Brian.  I prayed and asked God to give me a second chance with Brian and I can only wait until He tells me okay.  Yes, I still feel as if Brian is the one for me, but when I prayed the prayer for God to mold me into the woman He wants me to be, I feel this is what needed to happen.

So many people have told me, maybe God is just letting you see this and to prepare for your future spouse, but in my heart, I can honestly say.....Why would God not intervene and remove someone out of my life so he could mold me?  It might be temporary or we might not end up together, but just because someone is made for you, doesn't mean that God wouldn't remove them for a short period of time, so your focus could be clearly on God.  I feel as if Brian is getting a break while I am being molded.  In a week Brian could easily come over and say, I'm done and I'm getting my stuff.  I cant be torn, because I prayed for me to go through this.  I wont give up, until God says its time to move on.

I know I must be on repeat with my diary's, but its honest to God how I feel.  I am so thankful that I have this weight lifted off.  I want to apologize to his family for being such a brat during this relationship, because God has opened up  my eyes to how wonderful they really are and how amazing of a job that they raised their son.  I would love to have my babies to be raised with their marriage commitment and the love that they can give.  Why couldn't I fully see this before?  I had selfish goggles on and I feel such a fool for not seeing through Christian eyes.  I am thankful for being revealed all of this because now more than ever, I want to be a part of this family.  I give it to God, and will pray and allow Him to let me have that second chance if its His will, if not, I will definitely take this as a lesson and apply it in my life.

What one thing I feel sad about and disappointed in myself, is why would anyone miss me with the way I acted?   I love God and I love how He has opened up my eyes to my actions.  God is a God of love and of mercy and grace.  When my heart gets broken, its because God is strengthening me and allowing me to become the woman I need to be.  I pray and ask God to use me in this life, to share with others His word and to allow people to see Him through me.  How can God use me to the fullest if fear and selfishness is in the way?  That is not God!!!  I also know while I'm being transformed is also the enemy himself going to come put doubt and fear in my head and try and break me down, because why would he want for me to be strong in the Lord and a bigger threat to Him?  Even the enemy knows that God is bigger.

I want to shout from a roof top the peace I have within myself even though I don't know the outcome.  I'm glad that I finally released myself to surrender to God and have him take over this part of my life and allow Him to work in it.

Last night, again, God ripped off another layer of bondage that I held down.  I was talking to my cousin about life.  Something that very few people know is that growing up, I always compared myself to my cousins.  They lived in the nice house, had new stuff, one was a cheerleader and the other rode dirt bikes.  I on the other hand, had my mom and grandpa, I had a decent house with hand me downs or the sale rack, I was a fat tom boy who played softball.  Do I regret anything of my life, of course not, but growing up, I compared myself.  In my head I always felt like I was in competition, but in reality I was competing with myself.  This blog is about no hold backs so here it goes.  Even to this day, I could look over at my cousin and think they had the perfect life.  I always thought that I was looked down upon because I lived paycheck to paycheck, but at the same time, I still felt blessed.  My cousin and I were actually both planning a wedding for this year.  It just something that happened to fall into place, but deep down I felt like I had to be in competition.  I knew that I could never have the wedding that my cousin was going to have, but that I was going to try to make it as close as possible.  It sounds so foolish doesn't it?  I have been doing this all wrong, throughout my whole life.  It goes simply down to materialistic and my image.  The truth is, my cousin told me so much stuff last night that I had no clue about and that was a huge wake up call.  Her life isn't perfect and she does struggle with certain things, but my cousin is doing it the right way.  She is blessed and she knows it and she doesn't put anything before God.  I had to look at myself and figure out when did it go wrong?  Has all these years I pull layer upon layer and it weighed me down so much that I couldn't even see it in a different way?  Last night, I could literally see and feel God peeling another layer off of me that has been keeping me bondage.  I remember Brian always saying how nothing of this world matters to him and he doesn't care how people portray him, because he knows the truth.  Once again, I'm ashamed at myself, but I feel blessed to know that I prayed for God to mold me into the woman for Him and that's exactly what Hes doing right now.

SHAME ON ME!!!! SHAME ON ME as a Godly woman to fully not know or understand some of these things.  Right here, right now, I'm admitting that I have been wrong and I'm thankful for learning now.

God has been so good to me and the devil has been attacking me.  I have definitely been going through the emotions, because God gives me peace and then the enemy out of the blue will attack and give me anxiety and doubt.  Every night I wake up with doubt and go to bed with peace.

Everyday I'm learning something new, I even prayed this morning (typing this for last night) for God to show me something else.  Right when I think there is nothing else to be acknowledged, God says, "NO, you need to work on this too".  I cant imagine the woman that I'm going to be when I start getting strong in these weaknesses.  I have started working on myself, praying, and realizing my faults to not let them repeat themselves.  I feel like I have wasted so much time in my life, over petty things that I'm disappointed in myself and all the people that might have had to put with it.

I don't know what the future holds, like I said, I definitely go through the emotions of all the what ifs and I know that's something i need to work on too.  I have got to learn to live one day at a time and have faith in God 100% and not let my fear and doubts get to me!!!  Please pray for me!!!

Diary: Day 5

I woke up this morning with a part of me missing.  I felt half empty.  God laid on my heart that I was trying to take control of this situation.  I honestly try to give up any control when I start feeling a certain way.  I was worrying cause I have less than 2 weeks now and have been praying for God to tell me what to do next.  I have felt that I need to let Brian be and leave him alone.  I want to try and "fix" the situation and make him happy and know that Im here for support, but I feel as if my only support I can do right now is to bow my head and pray.  Im praying for him, his family and for us.

I told my grandpa this morning that I feel like I give it to God and then the next day I take it back.  Its something that I need to fully surrender too and when I do, it will all make sense and I would of wished I did that from the beginning, it would of been that much easier.  Ten minutes later my friend texted me and asked me if I was giving this all up to God or if I was trying to deal with it on my own.  I laughed cause its exactly what God had laid on my heart.  Then I had to run some errands this morning and in the car I heard the song "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave  REDEEMED  and was reminded that Im fighting a fight that has already been won.  To me it was telling me right now in my life that yes, I am going through some trials, yes I am having to wait, but Im batteling myself.  Why dont I just give it up to the Creator, the Almighty who already has my best interest at heart, that already knows the outcome?  Why do I worry about something I have no control over?  If God has laid on my heart that Brian is the one and I have someone new everyday tell me to not stop fighting and to listen to my heart, then why would God let me down?  Im not having faith, Im not having trust in God. 

Another lady who I grew close too at my old job messaged me today.  When I got a new phone I didnt add people in my phone, so as they come along I ask who they are and I add them.  She sent me this graphic and wrote me this morning that she was here for me.  She said this to me....."When things seem to be falling apart God is usually placing those things together the way He thinks they should be, not the way we think they should be".  I needed to hear that.  God is molding me right now.  I dont know what Hes doing for Brian and I cant worry about that.  This past week has taught me so much.  I had to step back and look at the person I was becoming and I didnt know that person.  Oh, how I wish I could of been different.  The most amazing thing about all this, is that God never gives up on me.  When I pray and ask God to make me into the woman He wants me to be and the woman that Brian needs and wants.......I feel this is me becoming that person. 

I had another lady message me yesteday and told me her story out of the blue.  A lady that I went to a book retreat for one weekend and we kept in touch.  I felt led to go to that book retreat and even though I didnt feel as if I got fullfilled like I thought I was going to, I sure did meet some ladies that have helped me along the way.  God has his reasons for everything, even if in the moment we dont understand. 

I dont know 100% why Brian and I are going through this right now.  It could be that we got lost in the moment and took our eyes of the main person.  It could be I needed some work on me to be done and Brian needed a break.  God could be working in both of our lives.  Maybe it was for me to have a wake up call and not take people for granted.  It could be one, some,  all or even more, but I cant figure that out right now.  I need to sit back and pray and ask God what He wants me to do and what He wants me to learn in this moment of my life.  I know that everything is going to be okay.  It might not happen the way I want or how the outcome may be, but all I can do is pray that Brian is praying for us and no wall is built.



Tonight at work, the devil went after me.  All of a sudden everyone around me was telling me, maybe its time I move on, and maybe God is preparing me for someone else.  I felt defeated, I felt as if this was God saying Brian wasn't the one.  Fear creeped in. I was having a spiritual battle and I called my friend.  She told me that maybe I should text Brian and see how his day was.  I was texting Brian when I felt led to pray for direction in my life.  I bowed my head at work and I prayed, "Lord, should I text Brian?"  I heard, "No you shouldn't".  I rebuked the devil in Jesus name and then said it again, "Lord, should I text Brian?" Again, "No you shouldn't".  I didn't want to hear that, in fact I sat there thinking of all the possibilities of what could happen if I did.  Of course I didn't want to go against Gods will, because I have no idea why God would tell me that, but that's where trust and faith comes in.  I got up, called my grandpa and asked him to pray for me.  I also asked him if he still feels like Brian is the one and he told he did and that he would pray for me.  I went back to my desk, sat down and forgot all about texting Brian until like 10 minutes went by.  I could feel this peace come over me and I was starting to calm down.  I don't know why God didn't want me to write Brian, I don't know if its because of timing or maybe Brian doesn't want to hear from me.  I felt that was me, trying to "fix" the situation all over again.  Something I also learned though with all of this, is I KNOW THAT I AM LISTENING TO GOD.  In that moment of hearing, "No you shouldn't", that was exactly God telling me what I shouldn't do, even though I wanted to do it.  So, if this whole time, I have been praying for God to reveal to me that Brian is the one, and I keep hearing "YES", then I know its not me wanting to hear that I want to hear, because I didn't want to hear, "No you shouldn't". 

Everyday, God has been revealing things to me of what I did wrong in this relationship. Today I learned a few things.  My insecurities have done alot of damage.  It went from, him looking at people to even his body image.  I'm not proud of these things, but now I know what I need to work on and even confront in therapy.  Also, another thing is that Brian is not mine.  Brian is Gods and I have no authority over him.  Once I felt that today, it made sense.  I cant hold on to Brian even if I was married to him, because God can take him away in a moment and I need to just accept that Brian is Brian and he is Gods.  Another thing I learned today is, which Ive known this one, but my cousin told me this.  Trust him, until he gives you a reason to not.  You need to look at him as your best friend and he needs to look at you as his best friend and until you do, its not going to work.  I agree.....I told my friend the other day, it feels like I'm losing my best friend.

So those were my lessons for the day and reassurance that I'm no giving up and Gods got this!!!!!  I hope one day Brian sees that God is working in me and I'm becoming the woman that God wants me to be.  I love him more than he probably knows at this moment!!!! I will keep fighting till God says to stop!!

Diary: Day 4

I have this bittersweet feeling.  Bitter because, I could be wrong, but I feel as if Brian is just living his life and having fun and not caring that we are together, and then sweet because God is working in me.  Its like I'm town between 2 feelings all the time.  I'm scared that this is going to be a very hard journey, with me anyways, and then I'm at peace because everything is going to be okay.  I want to sit here and say that I wish I never prayed that prayer, but then nothing would of changed, my eyes would of never opened up to who Christ wants me to be.  I wouldn't of had, what feels like my world ripped from under me, and me realize what really is important.  I can sit here and honestly say that:

I had the man of my dreams on my arm
He told me he would never leave me, that I would be the one to break up first
We were planning our wedding
My finances have been stable
I have my health
and there are so much more, but listen......

Something deep inside wasn't right.  I wasn't as happy as I should of been considering I knew I was blessed and my life wasn't in a storm.  I had looked around so many people around me who had lost loved ones instantly, who were constantly sick or fighting some form of cancer.  I knew I was blessed, I knew that I had nothing to complain about, so why wasn't I 100% fulfilled?  I was doing it all wrong.  Yes, I love the Lord, Yes, I thank God every day for what He has given me, and Yes, I do realize my blessings, but I took them all for granted like so many of us do when things are going great. 

When I prayed that prayer, I didn't realize the kind of wake up call I was going to get.  I know I took Brian for granted, not purposeful, but you would think of me losing my ex husband and what I did to try and win him back over, I would be more grateful for when a man walked into my life that I feel is from the Lord.  Maybe that was my problem....maybe because I didn't work for it, I wasn't as grateful.  I can tell you now though that I'm working for it and I am more grateful than ever right now, that I was blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life.

What I realize now is:

God gave me this man of Honor and Loyalty, a man who seeked Gods help and direction
I realize that I can lose anything God has given me if I don't appreciate it
That a wedding seems so petty, because I don't have my best friend

I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in months.  All I could think about was Brian and how much he helped me figure things out and come up with ideas of what to eat and make meals.  If I had any questions Brian would know it or figure it out for me.  I missed his presence around me and me putting my head on his chest next to his heart and feeling that security.  I feel empty, but right now God is fulfilling me in ways that Brian never could, that only Our Heavenly Father can do and that alone is what I need to appreciate what He has given me.

I don't know the future, just like no one walking on earth does.  This could of been my lesson to know what to do and see with my next boyfriend.  This could be just temporary while I'm growing in Christ.  I don't know, but I do know the one who does know and I know that everything will be okay.

I want my blog to be about Joy Rachel and the life of a Christian girl who tries to do right and sometimes without realizing it fails or even fails because I'm human and its my nature, but with Christ and his grace and mercy, I am forgiven.

My fear right now is this.....Less than 2 weeks from now, Brian comes over for the last time and tells me he still feels like I'm not the one for him, gets the rest of his stuff and walks away.  That's not actually my biggest fear of them all.....its what comes afterwards.  Its me seeing him happy with another girl, someone who could make him happy in ways I couldn't.  Its knowing that I'm not the one hes kissing on and hugging.  I think sometimes, what if God brings us back later down the road, how hard would it really be to just accept that and move forward, cause technically he didn't cheat on me.  I know I always jump the gun, but its those thoughts that tear me down......all what ifs.  I have a fear of me sitting on the side praying for Him, growing in Christ and him moving forward without a glimpse of the past.  I guess it takes me longer to get over someone than alot of people.  I feel that's why I was so scared to get in a relationship in the first place, because if I fell in love and we broke up, how long the recovery would be.

Last night I had a hard time at work.  I just wanted to cry and had to hold it all back in.  The last 3 minutes I looked at the pictures of us and I smiled and had this extreme peace come over me.  I remembered the reason why I fell in love with this man.  Hes amazing!!! He makes me laugh and draws me closer to the Lord like no other.  I actually admire him and look up to him, though he may never of known that.  I wanted to be a good woman with him, but I also know the devil attacked me all the time with thoughts and words that I would of never of thought on my own.  I told him to pray for me lots of times cause I struggled.