What is love?

What would be your definition of love?  I think if you asked everyone you knew, they would have somewhat of different answers, but at the same time it would all be the same.

Sometimes its hard to love somebody, either you don't agree with how they live their life or maybe they do something over and over to you, where you question it.  Maybe someone that you once loved or was in love hurt you to the core, so its hard to fully give yourself to someone.  Or maybe someone you knew that you love died and you sometimes have to remember that love you had for them.  You could have a child or a spouse and its unconditional or maybe you have a child or a spouse and you quest
ion your love for them.

To me, love is God.  God is love, and if you don't have that personal relationship with God, you haven't felt what true love is.  When I look at love, I have to look at God first and what His son did for me, which was die on the cross with every single sin I have made and will make and gave His life, so that I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him.  He took my burden and in return I have given Him my life. 

Now, to me love on this earth and actually in general, is a choice.  You don't have to choose to love God, though I hope you do, just like you have a choice to love your child or your spouse.  I understand that sometimes its hard to love someone whether it be their actions or them not in your life.  I personally think about Gods love and the love they have for that person. 

Gods love is unconditional and I feel that is what we need to have for people no matter the hurt, the shame, the confusion, the heartache and the doubts. 

Ive been looking around lately and have been trying to see people how God would see them and the love He has for them.  It could be a homeless man, a girl in skimpy clothes, a rich person, a poor person, a person who has colorful hair with piercings all in their face, but God loves them no matter what.  He cares about where their heart is.  We are so quick to judge how someone lives or looks and I feel sometimes we put up a wall to peoples appearances to reach out and help them and see them as God sees them.

My question is this......What if you were in a room with a scrungy dirty homeless man and then a business man in a nice suit.  You have to admit, majority of you reading this, would probably feel more comfortable talking with the man in the suit, as would I.  The the truth of the matter is, God loves them equal and for all we know the homeless man has already been written in the book of life and the business man at this point is doomed to eternity of damnation.

Scripture says to love your enemies and to pray for them and to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Matthew 5:44  But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Mark 12:31   And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

You have to remember that when Jesus walked this earth as a human and wanted to share His love and His Fathers love to others, He didn't just go to the wealthy, most clean people, but to the whores, thieves, poor people.  He loves them just as much as He loves the rich people, but you also need to think, the poor people who were sick and seemed like they were on their last leg, could of possibly had a little bit more faith  and trust then the people who's lives seemed perfect.  


Ive lost many loves in my life, whether it be death or removal of self, but the one true love has and will never leave me that is my Lord and Jesus Savior.  At the end of the day, all of us, His love is all we need.  So if someone is reading this who lost someone or is heartbroken, now is the time to just cry out to Jesus, the true love, and tell Him to wrap your arms around Him.  His love is an amazing feeling that will fulfill you to the core. 

One question I want to leave with you.....If you were the only person walking this earth, would Gods love be enough? If not, then I would recommend doing some deep core, heart and soul searching.  Our God is a jealous God and He will give and take away and if your focus is of the things He has given you, God will be quick to take those things away if they are getting more attention than Him.

God Bless!

Then the devil stepped in....

I have been so good with walking with God, eating better, filling my thoughts with Gods thoughts and helping others.  Then the devil stepped in.....

I got busy and noticed I wasn't praying as much, I noticed that my apps on my phone were getting behind and my mind was thinking alot of negative thoughts and even my eating habits slacked.  Its crazy how easily it is to take our eyes off of God, even if its for a short time and how easily the devil can just walk right in and bring you down.

 My thoughts were horrible.  I started doubting everything and getting so confused.  I wasn't at peace in my life and questioned my future.  I didn't know what to do and I couldn't hear God so clearly.  I couldn't tell between my thoughts, the enemies thoughts and Gods thoughts.

I tried to catch up on my apps on my phone one night, since I was at work by myself, and I did a pretty good job, but was disappointed in myself that I allowed that to happen.

My eating habits were a joke.  Though it wasn't the most horrible foods, it still was food that I cant have and my exercise even slacked.  I did tell myself that I was getting back on track with everything and so far, so good.

I did on the other hand do my daily Proverbs 31 woman book, and have been sticking myself loyal to that.  I actually look forward to doing it everyday.  Its my 15 minutes alone with God and reexamining my life and the way God wants it to be.

So I ask myself, why did I allow my eyes to be taken off of God?  I cant sit here and say that they were totally off of God, because I did pray and have my daily time with him, but my focus was on the worldly things and not of my Heavenly Father.  I woke up one morning mad and angry and I reached out to people like my old self did.  I did get some good advice from a few friends,  but when I realized what I was doing, I quickly went to my closet sat there not looking at anything and started crying out to Jesus.  I felt so distant from Him and its the worst feeling ever.  I sat there for awhile not even saying anything, I didn't have the words, but I know God knows my heart.  I asked for peace and reassurance and I told him its getting harder by the day and that I want to give up.

I was reminded from what one of my friends said that the longer I wait, the closer I am.  I was reminded of the story of a man in a boat in the ocean and it was foggy.  He was praying and asking God to help lead him to his destination, but he couldn't see because of all the fog.  He was paddling and paddling and then he gave up and turned around because he couldn't see the land and he was tired.  Little did he know, he was only feet away from his destination, but because he couldn't see it, he gave up and went back.

That story to me is our lives.  We cant see the whole picture, but God can.  So when things arnt going our way and we are tired of waiting, don't give up, because we don't know how close we are to our blessing.  I don't want to be the man in the boat and be feet away from my Gods destination that He has for me and gives up.  I need to keep having faith that each day that goes by, I'm getting closer to Gods plan being fulfilled.

Being used

Something God has revealed to me during this time of my life is TIME.  How often do we try and rush into the next chapter of our lives?  We always want things NOW!  How many times do we look back and wish we took the time and enjoyed a certain part of our lives? 

As I look back at my life, I can see how I have rushed alot of my time.  I sit here at the age of 28, looking back at the past year, the past 5 years, and even the past 11 years since I graduated.  I can see how I wasted alot of time on things I couldn't control, things I couldn't change and things I wished could of happen.  I wasted alot of my time on things that really didn't matter. 

I wrote in my previous blog about "my time of growth" and yet I catch myself trying to rush the process, instead of just enjoying this time and allowing God to work in my life, to show me what it is I need to learn and do until the next door is opened.  My transformation is amazing to me and the people around me are in awe and I'm so thankful that I have had this time, but why do I tend to rush it?  I will NEVER get this time back and I don't want to look back one day and ask myself, Why didn't I do that?  Why did I rush that time?  I also feel as if we try and get ahead of God and His time, He delays the process. 

I look at my future and I want to get married and have a family and watch my kids grow and I cant wait till God opens up that door, but then I caught myself realizing that Yes, it will be great, but what about now?  What can I do for someone now?  What kind of person can I be as a witness now?  God is using me NOW!!!  Later down the road, whatever may come, God will use me then, but I need to focus on the the present. 

I want to better myself in my body, so I wont be overweight and I can glorify God and be healthy to serve Him.  I want to be an example and an encourager for someone who may be struggling and is weak.  I cant be that person if I'm living so far in the future to where I'm not at.  Jesus lives in the presence with us, He walks with us and carries us at times when were so weak and weary.  You cant change the past, so theres not point being there either.  Instead take that regret, take that lesson, take that disappointment, take that wonderful moment and treasure it, learn from it, grow from it and appreciate that it made you who you are.  If there is something or someone in your past that has let you down or hurt you, my suggestion is to hand it over to God and forgive them and to see the blessings that are all around you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.


I personally have gone through my own set of struggles and I deal with them everyday.  Something I have learned is to give it over to God and if that is handing it over to God a million times a day, everyday, then its worth it, because it gets better and the weight gets lighter to the point you look at it and praise God that you went through that time, cause you see the person you are now.  I have come to the point in my life where every single day, I thank God for my hardships.  I thank God for the moment I'm in right now where I don't know whats going to happen.  I feel as if my future is thrown up in the air and I don't know whats going to happen, but in reality every single day, all of our futures are thrown up in the air.  At any given moment our lives can change for the worse or for the better.

One moment you could buy a lotto ticket, not thinking nothing of it and you win.  One moment you could see a loved one and then their gone.  One moment you could go to the Dr for a check up and then you have cancer.  Scripture says that this life is going to have hard times and struggles.  Alot of us don't understand why certain things happen to us or our loves ones, but in that moment is when I recommend you ask God, smack in the middle of a hard time or even a great time, "Lord, what am I supposed to learn during this time, what is it that I need to do, open up my heart and guide me".

We need to remember that God sees the whole picture of our lives.  He has our books already written and we go through life flipping each page, not knowing what lies on the other side of that paper, but just know that when you put your whole faith and trust in God, that even during the hard times, God has his best waiting for us.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

I know that no matter what happens in my life that God will open up doors and close doors. I know that my life will face many more struggles and trials.  I know I will be hurt and I know I will feel like I'm on top of the mountain.  Just remember that you were created for a purpose and God has a purpose for each of our lives. 

I was thinking the other day that I was created.  My mom wasn't married and she had me out of wedlock.  She was on birth control and yet still got pregnant.  Each person that I have affected in my life, would of never of happened. Look back at your life and see who you have impacted, the co-workers, your spouse, your children, strangers that have come across your path.  God has a purpose for you and He has placed certain people in your life for a reason.  Are you being the example they need to see?


I pray that whoever reads this blog, gets something out of it.  I hope it makes you think what it is that you could better yourself in a part of your life.  Alot of times when I write, I sit down because my heart is desiring me to write and I know its God giving me the words to say.  Just remember that each trial you have faced, a loss you have had or maybe an addiction you battle with, that God can use to help others and you can share what Gods strength did for you to overcome them.

A season of growth

When I first started my journey on my weight loss and asking God to mold me into the woman He wanted me to be, little did I know what God had planned for my life.  I had this amazing guy in my life and I had my issues that I was working on.  I had prayed for God to mold me into the woman He wanted me to be when I was in my relationship and I also prayed and asked God one day when I was mad to remove him out of my life for a little bit so I could lose weight and get on a healthy regimen so I could have confidence.  At the time I thought it would be the easiest way to lose weight, because I could focus on me, but little did I know He was going to answer that prayer.

The first 21 days of my cleanse was actually easy, because I was stressed and a little down, so food really wasn't on my mind.  I didn't have temptation and I didn't really even have an appetite.  This blog isn't going to be about the food though, its going to be about my walk with my Lord and Savior. 

My friend told me when I was still in my relationship that God told her that I was going to be going through a growth in my life, and that it was going to get hard before it got easy.  Little did she know that I was already praying and asking to become the woman God had created me to be.  I knew deep down I was missing something, I wasn't spiritually mature.  I knew right from wrong, I knew that I was chained down from my past and I wanted freedom and peace.  I knew I wasn't full filling my mate even though I had nothing to complain about with him, but it was really the chains I had allowed to be locked on me that I prevented myself from full fullfillment from God.

I knew this time that I would have from the beginning, would be about myself in Christ and helping others.  Ive said before, how I didn't mind helping people, but I never went that extra step to helping them, I was selfish.  Now I pray almost daily, for God to show me or put someone in my path for me to help.  When taking on this weight loss, which I thought was for myself, I never realized the impact, encouragement and motivation it would do to alot of people.  I have had several people tell me that I have inspired them and want my advice and help with what I am doing.  I have to say at first, when my 21 days was up, I wasn't going to go the extra step and post my cleanse, I was just going to post my results.  God laid on my heart, to post the papers, that it wasn't about me and I could help people.

The advice that I'm about to share is deeper than just wanting to lose weight.  My journey with my weight loss was all about God.  I had to daily hand over my struggles, temptation and desire to eat.  I prayed and asked God to help me make the right food choices, portions and to give me the desire to lose weight.  Its not my strength that has helped me through this process, its Gods strength and I think once everyone realizes His strength and ability to overcome any struggle we may have, how much praise you want to lift up to Him and how much easier it is.

Another thing that helped me with weight loss was directing my focus off of my struggle.  I feed myself daily with Gods Word, all day long, throughout the day.  I feed myself in devotions and books and its helped because Jesus is our bread of life. 

 [There is an app called YouVersion Bible and there is a section of plans that you can choose from and set a time for you to be reminded daily, and I have them set up on my phone to go off throughout the day]

During this time in my life, I have felt so much of a spiritual growth inward and losing weight outward that God has placed on my heart, I'M READY!  I don't know what I'm ready for, but I tell God all the time, I'M READY!  One day I was sitting there and I felt, 'Im ready' pouring out from my heart and I didn't know what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, but I knew that it was from the Holy Spirit and I felt like God was putting that desire in my heart for the next best thing.  I do pray daily for God to use me and to have people see Jesus in me, that I will light up a room because Jesus lives inside of me and the other day someone told me I was just beaming.  I have to give the credit to Jesus!! 

I never thought that God would use me to help people lose weight, its something I struggled and failed at my whole life, but I'm here to help anyone who wants to get healthier.  I will be an accountable partner to whoever and I wont be nice.  :)     I will be tough, because I know life gets tough and temptation is there and the enemy wants you to fail.  Just know though if one day you mess up with whatever struggle you are going through, whether it be food, sodas, drugs or cussing, and you mess up and "fail", then keep going on like its day 100 and you never messed up, because scripture tells us in Matthew 6:34, Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 

The thoughts that you cant do it or its too hard are not from God, because scripture says,  Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Just know that ANY struggle you are working on can be overcome with Gods help and strength, but you have to have faith that He will help you.

Another thing that I wanted to share for us women, is that a few years ago, when I was going through a hard time with the loss of my marriage, I bought a book called, "Becoming the woman God wants me to be", A 90-Day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life.  The first page is pretty rough, because you need to go out and buy a few things to keep you on track for the next 90 days, so back then I think I got to page 1.  I felt led to go to my closet and look at my books and see what I had to read for this stage of my life.  I saw that book and I grabbed it.  I remember opening it up and thinking, "Oh yeah, that's why I never did it", but then I felt led to do it.  I knew it was going to be a commitment for 90 days and it makes you promise and vow to yourself and God to 90 days and it has been changing my life.  Every day at 7pm at work, I go outside, I sit down on the ground, I pray and I open up my book and allow God to teach me what it is that I need to do, to become this woman of God.  

I told my therapist what I was doing at one session and he got up, got his KJV Bible and broke down each verse, which I'm memorizing by the way from Proverbs 31: 10-31, and said afterwards, "Wow, when you become that woman, your going to be a blessed woman to your future husband and your future children, it takes a strong person to strive to be that kind of a woman".  Of course, I got teary eyed, because I knew, this is who I'm made to be.  

I'm sharing both of these things, because the weight loss is more than just the loss of the weight, its the gaining of my walk with Jesus.  Everyone goes through their own "seasons of life" and I know mine right now is a season of growth.  I don't know how long it will be, before God opens up a door for something else, but I'm enjoying life and learning and growing each day and I'm not rushing it.

I pray daily for God to show me what He wants me to see, to teach me what He wants me to learn and to guide me where He wants me to go.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know the One who does!!!

My cleanse & weight loss

                                                                           March 19, 2014


I started a cleanse on March 1st, its a 21 day cleanse and today is day 19.  It was around the same time Brian and I had our situation occur.  I still tried to do the cleanse the best I could.  My cleanse consisted of 3 meals a day and 2 snacks.  I had a list of items that I could only eat, but some of those days I didn't eat anything, because of my stress.

I went to the Dr's today, it was exactly 1 month since I was there last time.  I have been going and seeing a hormone specialist for my hormones and weight and hes been trying all these different medicines to try and balance me out. 

I remember as I was walking into the building, I prayed to God and said, "Please Lord, let me lose at least 7 pounds".  I haven't felt a difference in my weight or my clothes, so I was scared again that I was doing these 'food watching' cleanses and fasts and was failing. 

When I walked in, I sat down and was there, maybe 3 minutes.  One of the workers called me back and I knew what was about to occur.  I sat my purse down, and walked onto the scale.  Its a digital scale, so I see the numbers jumping up and then it stops.  I was waiting for it to keep going and the nurse says, "Congratulations, you lost 21 pounds".  I stood there staring at the numbers and said, "What?"  She said "You were 257 before and now you are 236, you lost 21 pounds."  I said, "Theres no way, I was hoping for at least 7 pounds, I don't even feel me with any weight loss".

We go in the room and I'm in shock.  I'm literally sitting there picturing that scale and what it said.  I looked back over the years and I remember being in the 230's when I was 19 with kidney cancer.  At my highest, I have been in the 280's.  I sat there thinking the past 19 days and the foods I ate and I couldn't believe it.  Surely, just the simple foods that I enjoy and ate didnt just do this extreme weight loss?!

We talked a little about how I didn't feel a difference and I haven't really had anyone say anything to me about losing weight, so I didn't think it was falling off like what the numbers said.  She said since I was under alot of stress the past few weeks, I probably just never noticed.

The Doctor comes in and I think he loves me and why I say that, is because I'm a challenge.  He walks straight in and talks about how he read this book and met this man and he has a solution for me.  I told him my weight loss and he got excited.  He said I'm the first city co-worker to listen to him and follow his directions and had a good success story.  I told him I am willing to do anything to better myself.  I'm that way spiritually, emotionally, physically, I am open to anything, I don't want to settle for average or normal.  I want to be the best I can be in every area of my life. 

So, I told him, I want to lose 56 more pounds by December.  He told me it was do-able, but it was up to me to do it.  He told me at the end that he wanted me to do cross fit.......lets just say I laughed at him and he didn't laugh back.  He was being for real, he said it would be good for me, but I think its because this man does it.  Who knows......right now I am an open book to anything new and exciting that would benefit my life!!

He gave me this other medicine he wants me to try and I'm open for it!!  I need to order it offline and so I shall see what that does for me.  I see him in 3 weeks and he wants me to do more lab work Friday to see what my results are, if they have improved.  I'm going to set myself a goal for 3 weeks until I see him again, I think I'm going to try and do 10 pounds.

I don't know what this life is going to do for me.  I am taking it one day at a time and I'm trying to do what God wants me to do and to learn what I need to learn and to help who I need to help.  I'm going to focus on God and allow Him to work in every part of my life.

April 9, 2014

Today I went and saw my Dr again.  I was nervous and eager to see what the scale was going to say considering my new lifestyle change.  I know that not every time I step on the scale I'm going to see a huge number of weight loss and that gradually it will be minimal of pounds or ounces.  I did set a goal of 10 pounds, but once again really never felt a difference.

I get to the Dr's, I wait, theres a new lady in training so she takes a little more time than usual.  She calls me back and I stepped on the scale and for some reason in that moment of the numbers going up, I forgot what I weighed before.  So when it finally stopped it takes me a few seconds to realize what the before and after was.  My before from 3 weeks prior was 236 and today it was 231.  So my goal was 10 pounds, but I lost 5 and hey.....I will take that!  It took time getting this weight on and I know it will take time to get it off.  

I see my Dr and I don't know what it is about him, but I just adore him.  He is all about organic stuff and trying to do things the good ole natural way and what our body needs to help us live a  long successful life and the other awesome thing is, hes free, because I work for the city, so I cant complain.

He wanted to see me back in 3 months, but I wasn't going to have that, so he said he will see me once a month till I get my weight goal, sounds good to me!!!  It also will motivate me to stay on track because I know I'm going to see him and hes a brutally honest kind of person like me, which I need and will hold me accountable.  

I have set myself for a goal of 11 pounds for this next month.  I can do it....I really need to start working out.  My weight loss has been just a change of eating and now I need to start toning up a bit, but as much as I love me some muscle, I really want to keep it cardio and toning.  My current situation is since the 21 days finished, I do treat myself one day a week with foods that I cant have.  I want this to be a lifestyle change and I am honesty surprised at how easy it is for me.  This is something that works for me.

I'm definitely feeling more confident and walking with my head held high. This is my life and I'm the only one that can change or fix it and I'm willing to help anyone who might be wanting a healthy change of eating or to lose weight.  I ask God to use me and to be an example and I know if I can do it, so can you!!!