Brian and I had been trying to grow closer with God and was trying to learn each other. We are completely same spiritually, but we have different personalities. We struggled with understanding each other and so we had been reading the book, Love and Respect and it did help us out alot. The book opened up my eyes to how to talk to and treat a man. I do admit my faults and say that I was not a nice girlfriend. Brian came to me out of the blue, when I wasn't even paying attention and God tore down walls and shown me this amazing man that I had asked for and prayed for. I know I'm sure I said this before, but I wrote on a list 3 years ago of who I want my next husband to be. Brian was everything off that list, expect for 1 and it was he graduated in 04 and not 03, which is because my mom put me a year ahead.......its funny cause its so petty. In fact those next few years I had added to the list but never wrote it down and I told some of my friends and it was 1. I wanted a man that's parents were Baptist and were still married 2. I want a Baptist man 3. I wanted to marry a man named Brian Adam, my Brian's name is Brian Allen.
To share and explain my diary's, I was not a good girlfriend. I carried alot of baggage into this relationship and didn't know how to fix them and honestly, didn't understand why I was this way. I knew we were happy, but we wernt fully happy. I know Brian did everything right and tried 100% in this relationship. He was amazing to me and I feel foolish now looking back on how I acted.
A week before Brian and I had a fallout, I had prayed and asked God to break my heart for what breaks His. I knew what I was asking, but I knew that I needed to be 100% invested in God. Also a few weeks before it happened, I had been praying for God to mold me into the woman he wanted me to be. I knew I wasn't fulfilling Brian and I knew how I was and I was trying to fix it. I knew I nit picked and I knew that my hormones were a little crazy (I have been seeing a hormone specialist for 3 months and they keep switching my medicines).
Two Sundays ago Brian and I visited a church downtown. I enjoyed it and loved being wrapped in Brian's arms in church, listening to the service. I never had felt that close to Brian spiritually. In fact we had a little bit of time left after church and we went to lunch. We sat down and talked about revisiting the churches that stood out the most to us. I told Brian that I didn't feel a connection to any and he looked at me and said "You wont and you know why". I knew instantly what he was talking about. Brian knew that I have been praying to submit to him and for him to guide us in this relationship. I knew that's what I needed him to do. He told me that I will have a peace when it comes down to joining one and I knew he was right. Everything seemed like it was going to plan. That night when I got off of work, I was stressing out. I knew our weekend was coming up and we had so much to do. I never was mad talking to Brian though sometimes I come across that way, I just get in frantic mode because I like to be organized and nothing was planned out. Brian told me to calm down and said that he would call the churches to look at to get married in. I remember asking if he don't want too or cant, I can do it, its no big deal. He told me he would and to stop stressing out. I calmed down and we got off the phone.
The next morning I had to go to my other job. I woke up with this weird, off feeling. I texted Brian to surprise him with a sweet
text so he can read it when he woke up.
I remember posting on facebook that I hope its a good day, because its
going to be a long day. I was actually 9
minutes early for work, but still felt uncomfortable. The song, "Its a good morning",
came on and so I drove around the block before work and prayed while listening to
that song. I remember working at my job that morning and something was off. I left work and got angry because of drivers. Looking back, I can clearly see the enemy was pulling me down and putting things in my way to make me fail. When I got home and texted Brian, I asked him if he called the churches. He told me he didn't, but not to worry because he will get it done. I'm not saying I was right in doing this, but it hurt me alot. I felt hurt from feeling as it wasn't a big deal to him when he knew how stressed out I was, I felt as if he didn't care, and I told him never mind and that I would do it. I told him, "How can I submit to you, when you don't do what you tell me your going to do?" I am not saying I was right, cause I know I wasn't. I just know that I was going through the emotions that day. I had just started all this new medicine just 4 days on it and I don't know if it was that or just me being selfish or both. He told me that it was DejaVu. I had been doing so good not to argue and I know Brian was tired of it. To him, it was nothing and hes honestly one of those laid back people that take it one day at a time and I'm over here planning 5 months ahead on what we should do for July 4th. The truth is, I need to be more like Brian. The past 2 weeks, I have been more laid back and taking one day at a time. I haven't planned anything, I have thought about planning anything and each day I grow more and more.
So I never let the topic go throughout the day. I would get sad because I felt he didn't care, I felt mad cause I felt like he didn't care. I was a brat and I'm ashamed of myself. That night he told me that he needed to go to the hospital early in the morning for his family. I got off of work and was selfish and called him at 1am. I was crying and didn't understand and didn't feel loved. I get what your thinking right now. I swear to you, my hormones are crazy. I just started the new medicines and I also later found out was pmsing too!! My whole cycle has been messed up because of the medicines and.....moving on. I asked if he could come over at 3am. I wanted him in front of me and also planned on going with him to the hospital in the morning. I didn't realize we were going to talk the whole time, but truth is, we were dead tired going in circles and of course we start talking about ending it. When he got up to get his things, I hugged him. He told me that this break up wasn't as hard cause we both agree and all these other things, when I realized, I didn't feel that way, I never did, I was just upset and tired. I realized that this is still the man for me and hes going to be my future husband. He told me that he still felt this way and that he wanted to take a couple of days and pray about it and if we feel the same way or think we cant invest 100% in it, then we should just depart ways.
I agreed and I started to pray!!! That Tuesday I went to work and was stressing out. I ended up going to the restroom and just saying, "Lord, I want your will done in my life". Instantly, I was reminded from God that I prayed a week before, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours". I honestly sitting there, was told that I was keeping Brian from being used. I was being selfish and stripping him away from God using him to use his spiritual gifts and talents. I felt at peace and that everything was going to be okay, cause I knew exactly what I needed to do. The next day I was okay!!! The next day I worried a little cause I didn't know what Brian was thinking or what he was going to say, but I knew what I had gotten revealed, so I just thought everything was going to be okay.
Brian comes over and seems okay. He doesn't seem like he has bad news to reveal to me, but he starts talking and tells me, he doesn't think he can invest 100% and feels like God has shut the door and that I'm not supposed to be his wife. I sat there with my mouth open wide. I didn't even know what to say, because I was in shock. I remember praying to God, "Lord what did I hear? What did I feel? What is going on?" I told him what happened the day before and we were both just set in what we felt.
I did tell him that God was giving me a 2 week time frame. I didn't pray about it, but felt 2 weeks. He said he would give me 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changed.
The first day waking up God laid on my heart TRUST! I wasn't trusting Brian because of fear, because of my past and what my past relationships did to me. Brian never gave me a reason to not trust him, but I still didn't. I texted Brian and told him I'm signing out of one of his accounts and told him I trust him and I'm putting the past away. I knew I needed to do that for Brian, for me and for God. I knew I needed to make a step forward in the right direction. At first I didn't want too, but God kept laying it on my heart over and over and when I did it, I felt free!
The next day, God revealed to me my INSECURITIES! My insecurities was very deep. It went from me not feeling pretty or small enough, to even Brian's weight. Also, just certain women in the room, if I felt they were more beautiful, I felt so ugly and unworthy. That's the day that I started to tell myself in the mirror that I'm beautiful and I'm worthy, and I have said it everyday and I'm shocked at how its help my confidence.
The next day God revealed to me, SELFISHNESS! This one, at the end of the day, had me bawling like baby asking God to forgive me. I can look back and see how selfish I truly was. Its even embarrassing to even say all the things that I did. It went from his time to being called beautiful to all kinds of things. How dare I! Its shameful and horrible to look back and see all these things. I cant believe I was even once that person, but low and behold, I pretty much been this person my whole life. I am so blessed and grateful to be looking in this new set of eyes.
The next day God revealed to me, HANGING ON! I can look back and see all of my relationships, with people, family, and romantically. Shoot, I can even say jobs and things. I hold on to things like their mine. God revealed to me that NOTHING is mine. I know this, but for some reason I still did it, because I don't think I felt it. I know I did this to my first husband, to the point that I didn't want my grandpa and my husband to be in the same vehicle together, because if they died, I would be alone. God revealed to me that man can leave at any moment, whether its death or they just choose to walk away. For some reason, when Brian came in my life and I feel like God gave me him, once we started dating, I changed. He was mine!!!! It was never a control thing, I honestly feel it was a fear! So in turn I would do things that would make me feel better of him not hurting me, which may seem like control. God revealed to me that, "Yes, I can give you a mate, but I can easily take him away if you put him before me or hold on to him and not seek me!" Shame on me!!!! How dare I! Brian is not mine, he is Gods. This house isn't mine, its Gods. Myself is not mine.....I am Gods!!!! I refuse to ever hold on to something when its not mine. So if for some reason that Brian and I don't work out.....it was never mine to hold onto.
The next day, God revealed to me, I was very COMPETITIVE AND MATERIALISTIC in a way. The truth comes out, all growing up, my mother was an only parent. She strived to give me what I need and even want to make me happy. She said no plenty of times. I was also a chubby girl who played softball. I had alot of the off brand things, but when I reached a teenager of course I need the new stuff and the name brand clothes and shoes. My cousin, whom I love and adore dearly, we are 5 months apart. She was the cheerleader, she got the new Mustang, I got the used Mustang. My family were comfortable in finances and things and my mom struggled. I'm an only child, so that's who I compared myself too. Don't get me wrong, I don't think about it all day, everyday, but it was something that I dealt with. My cousin is getting married in June. I know shes going to have a nice wedding and she deserves it!!! She has family that can help and they have good jobs. When I started planning my wedding, I knew I didn't have a family to help and wasn't sure about Brian's family. Brian and I got by, had a little bit extra, but nothing major. I felt I needed to have a decent wedding considering my cousin will have a nice wedding. Pretty much, I was in competition with myself and in turn I put alot of stress on myself and on Brian. I don't know who's going to read this, but I want you to know, I love my cousin and it is not her fault, it was simply something that I dealt with mentally. I talked to my cousin and I told her everything and she told me things that made me want to cry, because I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of how I treated Brian and put so much stress on him and that I was planning this wedding all for the wrong reasons. I instantly had this vision of getting married at the reception hall and having a small ceremony, small little dance and gathering, maybe some finger foods and whisk off to our honeymoon. In fact.....that sounds so much more romantic than my original thoughts that I wanted. Its amazing what God can do and how he can change your heart and your views on things.
I talked to my cousin who pointed something out that Brian would always tell me, but I disagreed. I now see it with my new pair of eyes, the truth! Deep down I wanted to be number 2 in Brians life, under God. He told me that his family is number 2 and so am I. I didn't understand, I guess maybe because I felt as if he was my husband even though I knew we wernt married. I think maybe because I put him number 2 in my life, I should get the same. I never wanted to take anything from his family, but I guess I just wanted to feel important. Maybe its because I was selfish and I was my moms everything. I haven't felt that in a long time and I guess I longed for it, all in the wrong way. Truth is scripture says that a man must leave his father and mother when he is married and cling to his wife. We wernt married and he had no obligation for that. Shame on me!
Am I ashamed of everything that I did? YES! Why I am telling this in this blog, is because I want people to know that I am human and that I to have issues.....alot!!! I want you to know that Brian is a good man and he put up with alot. I am very ashamed and disappointed in myself. I am very sorry for even his parents having to deal with me and all those issues. I am thankful for God revealing all these things to me and I know Brian got tired of it. I know he fears that it'll happen all over again and I'm sure he don't know if he would want to deal with it. It would be better to move forward and to not look back. I do know that I am a changed woman. I do know that I want what God wants. I feel very disappointed in myself and it actually took me a good week to even forgive myself. I asked God to forgive me and then I asked Brian, then I asked myself. I do know that the enemy has been attacking us. I wish you knew when Brian and I pray together or do a Bible lesson together how strong I feel. I can only speak for myself, but I know Brian and I can reach out and touch many people with our walk with the Lord. We strive to please God and do His will. I have never felt strong with another person spiritually then I did with Brian. I know we both love the Lord and want to help people. Our gifts and talents are different but can be used together.
No one is perfect. We all have our issues and our weaknesses and faults. Will I stumble again? YES! Will I be selfish again? YES! I can only in that moment when I am struggling with any of these issues is pray and ask God for His help, strength and guidance.
I do pray for God to give Brian and I a second chance. I would love to show him who God has shown me to be. I did pray for God to mold me and honestly, if it has to do with Brian leaving then okay! I told God, I choose you over Brian. Brian is not mine and he has free will. I love Brian so much and I do still feel right now that God gave me him. God has always laid on my heart to forgive deeply. I forgive, I am very good at forgiving, but not forgetting. I don't carry the pain around, because I did forgive, I do on the other hand carry the fear of it repeating itself. But God has opened up my eyes and I never want to bring up the past again, between myself and everyone else.
I feel like this whole new person. I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world. I know the enemy is going to be right behind me trying to tear me down, but My GOD is BIGGER!!!! I want to help people in any way I can. For the first time, I actually want to work in a church to help others, kids, young adults. Maybe God is preparing me for my book. I have been eager to write more lately, but I do also know that God is still writing my story.
I know this post is uber long and I know I probably lost you a quarter of the way. I needed to share this because I want you to know that I'm not perfect. I never claim to be perfect and I am a child of God. I want to share what God has done for me, even in the midst of what I feel is a trial. I feel like I had my future in the palm of my hand and it switched in a second, but the most amazing thing about it, is how much I grew in just 2 weeks. God is awesome and He answered my prayer. It was NOT the way that I wanted it to go or had planned, but God had it planned. I have hours till I find out if the man I love wants to be with me or wants to move forward. I will respect his decision, because he has free will and I cant change anything. I have prayed day and day out for him to give me a second chance, but I know that right now, God knows what will happen. I don't know if Brian is struggling with anything else, but I do pray for that and for his spiritual walk to be strong. No matter what, as hard as it was to hand over my heart, I don't regret it. I'm glad God gave me this man in my life, he has helped change me for the better!
Please say a prayer for us!
I agreed and I started to pray!!! That Tuesday I went to work and was stressing out. I ended up going to the restroom and just saying, "Lord, I want your will done in my life". Instantly, I was reminded from God that I prayed a week before, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours". I honestly sitting there, was told that I was keeping Brian from being used. I was being selfish and stripping him away from God using him to use his spiritual gifts and talents. I felt at peace and that everything was going to be okay, cause I knew exactly what I needed to do. The next day I was okay!!! The next day I worried a little cause I didn't know what Brian was thinking or what he was going to say, but I knew what I had gotten revealed, so I just thought everything was going to be okay.
Brian comes over and seems okay. He doesn't seem like he has bad news to reveal to me, but he starts talking and tells me, he doesn't think he can invest 100% and feels like God has shut the door and that I'm not supposed to be his wife. I sat there with my mouth open wide. I didn't even know what to say, because I was in shock. I remember praying to God, "Lord what did I hear? What did I feel? What is going on?" I told him what happened the day before and we were both just set in what we felt.
I did tell him that God was giving me a 2 week time frame. I didn't pray about it, but felt 2 weeks. He said he would give me 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changed.
The first day waking up God laid on my heart TRUST! I wasn't trusting Brian because of fear, because of my past and what my past relationships did to me. Brian never gave me a reason to not trust him, but I still didn't. I texted Brian and told him I'm signing out of one of his accounts and told him I trust him and I'm putting the past away. I knew I needed to do that for Brian, for me and for God. I knew I needed to make a step forward in the right direction. At first I didn't want too, but God kept laying it on my heart over and over and when I did it, I felt free!
The next day, God revealed to me my INSECURITIES! My insecurities was very deep. It went from me not feeling pretty or small enough, to even Brian's weight. Also, just certain women in the room, if I felt they were more beautiful, I felt so ugly and unworthy. That's the day that I started to tell myself in the mirror that I'm beautiful and I'm worthy, and I have said it everyday and I'm shocked at how its help my confidence.
The next day God revealed to me, SELFISHNESS! This one, at the end of the day, had me bawling like baby asking God to forgive me. I can look back and see how selfish I truly was. Its even embarrassing to even say all the things that I did. It went from his time to being called beautiful to all kinds of things. How dare I! Its shameful and horrible to look back and see all these things. I cant believe I was even once that person, but low and behold, I pretty much been this person my whole life. I am so blessed and grateful to be looking in this new set of eyes.
The next day God revealed to me, HANGING ON! I can look back and see all of my relationships, with people, family, and romantically. Shoot, I can even say jobs and things. I hold on to things like their mine. God revealed to me that NOTHING is mine. I know this, but for some reason I still did it, because I don't think I felt it. I know I did this to my first husband, to the point that I didn't want my grandpa and my husband to be in the same vehicle together, because if they died, I would be alone. God revealed to me that man can leave at any moment, whether its death or they just choose to walk away. For some reason, when Brian came in my life and I feel like God gave me him, once we started dating, I changed. He was mine!!!! It was never a control thing, I honestly feel it was a fear! So in turn I would do things that would make me feel better of him not hurting me, which may seem like control. God revealed to me that, "Yes, I can give you a mate, but I can easily take him away if you put him before me or hold on to him and not seek me!" Shame on me!!!! How dare I! Brian is not mine, he is Gods. This house isn't mine, its Gods. Myself is not mine.....I am Gods!!!! I refuse to ever hold on to something when its not mine. So if for some reason that Brian and I don't work out.....it was never mine to hold onto.
The next day, God revealed to me, I was very COMPETITIVE AND MATERIALISTIC in a way. The truth comes out, all growing up, my mother was an only parent. She strived to give me what I need and even want to make me happy. She said no plenty of times. I was also a chubby girl who played softball. I had alot of the off brand things, but when I reached a teenager of course I need the new stuff and the name brand clothes and shoes. My cousin, whom I love and adore dearly, we are 5 months apart. She was the cheerleader, she got the new Mustang, I got the used Mustang. My family were comfortable in finances and things and my mom struggled. I'm an only child, so that's who I compared myself too. Don't get me wrong, I don't think about it all day, everyday, but it was something that I dealt with. My cousin is getting married in June. I know shes going to have a nice wedding and she deserves it!!! She has family that can help and they have good jobs. When I started planning my wedding, I knew I didn't have a family to help and wasn't sure about Brian's family. Brian and I got by, had a little bit extra, but nothing major. I felt I needed to have a decent wedding considering my cousin will have a nice wedding. Pretty much, I was in competition with myself and in turn I put alot of stress on myself and on Brian. I don't know who's going to read this, but I want you to know, I love my cousin and it is not her fault, it was simply something that I dealt with mentally. I talked to my cousin and I told her everything and she told me things that made me want to cry, because I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of how I treated Brian and put so much stress on him and that I was planning this wedding all for the wrong reasons. I instantly had this vision of getting married at the reception hall and having a small ceremony, small little dance and gathering, maybe some finger foods and whisk off to our honeymoon. In fact.....that sounds so much more romantic than my original thoughts that I wanted. Its amazing what God can do and how he can change your heart and your views on things.
I talked to my cousin who pointed something out that Brian would always tell me, but I disagreed. I now see it with my new pair of eyes, the truth! Deep down I wanted to be number 2 in Brians life, under God. He told me that his family is number 2 and so am I. I didn't understand, I guess maybe because I felt as if he was my husband even though I knew we wernt married. I think maybe because I put him number 2 in my life, I should get the same. I never wanted to take anything from his family, but I guess I just wanted to feel important. Maybe its because I was selfish and I was my moms everything. I haven't felt that in a long time and I guess I longed for it, all in the wrong way. Truth is scripture says that a man must leave his father and mother when he is married and cling to his wife. We wernt married and he had no obligation for that. Shame on me!
Am I ashamed of everything that I did? YES! Why I am telling this in this blog, is because I want people to know that I am human and that I to have issues.....alot!!! I want you to know that Brian is a good man and he put up with alot. I am very ashamed and disappointed in myself. I am very sorry for even his parents having to deal with me and all those issues. I am thankful for God revealing all these things to me and I know Brian got tired of it. I know he fears that it'll happen all over again and I'm sure he don't know if he would want to deal with it. It would be better to move forward and to not look back. I do know that I am a changed woman. I do know that I want what God wants. I feel very disappointed in myself and it actually took me a good week to even forgive myself. I asked God to forgive me and then I asked Brian, then I asked myself. I do know that the enemy has been attacking us. I wish you knew when Brian and I pray together or do a Bible lesson together how strong I feel. I can only speak for myself, but I know Brian and I can reach out and touch many people with our walk with the Lord. We strive to please God and do His will. I have never felt strong with another person spiritually then I did with Brian. I know we both love the Lord and want to help people. Our gifts and talents are different but can be used together.
No one is perfect. We all have our issues and our weaknesses and faults. Will I stumble again? YES! Will I be selfish again? YES! I can only in that moment when I am struggling with any of these issues is pray and ask God for His help, strength and guidance.
I do pray for God to give Brian and I a second chance. I would love to show him who God has shown me to be. I did pray for God to mold me and honestly, if it has to do with Brian leaving then okay! I told God, I choose you over Brian. Brian is not mine and he has free will. I love Brian so much and I do still feel right now that God gave me him. God has always laid on my heart to forgive deeply. I forgive, I am very good at forgiving, but not forgetting. I don't carry the pain around, because I did forgive, I do on the other hand carry the fear of it repeating itself. But God has opened up my eyes and I never want to bring up the past again, between myself and everyone else.
I feel like this whole new person. I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world. I know the enemy is going to be right behind me trying to tear me down, but My GOD is BIGGER!!!! I want to help people in any way I can. For the first time, I actually want to work in a church to help others, kids, young adults. Maybe God is preparing me for my book. I have been eager to write more lately, but I do also know that God is still writing my story.I know this post is uber long and I know I probably lost you a quarter of the way. I needed to share this because I want you to know that I'm not perfect. I never claim to be perfect and I am a child of God. I want to share what God has done for me, even in the midst of what I feel is a trial. I feel like I had my future in the palm of my hand and it switched in a second, but the most amazing thing about it, is how much I grew in just 2 weeks. God is awesome and He answered my prayer. It was NOT the way that I wanted it to go or had planned, but God had it planned. I have hours till I find out if the man I love wants to be with me or wants to move forward. I will respect his decision, because he has free will and I cant change anything. I have prayed day and day out for him to give me a second chance, but I know that right now, God knows what will happen. I don't know if Brian is struggling with anything else, but I do pray for that and for his spiritual walk to be strong. No matter what, as hard as it was to hand over my heart, I don't regret it. I'm glad God gave me this man in my life, he has helped change me for the better!
Please say a prayer for us!
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