I am who God wants me to be

THE BEST I CAN

I heard it at my cousins wedding and I got home and looked it up and I loved it.  I felt like it was my life.  

My whole life I have came across to society as this "goody goody" and alot of people thought I was just this sweetheart.  Deep down I had my issues and behind closed doors I would turn into this other person.  Its like I had a mask on and under that mask, was a monster.  I lied to myself, I lied to others of who I truly was.  I knew deep in my heart I was the person that I am today and theres still a part of me that still struggles with the monster.  I do have to give the credit over to God, because He knew that I couldn't be the person, woman, wife and mother with a mask on.  

I can say that I have taken the mask off and handed it over to God.  I want my inner to match my outer.  I want people to know that I'm not perfect, but that I'm trying.  Like the song says, "I don't live a perfect life, but God knows I'm trying the best I can". I have wasted so much time fooling other people and trying to keep up this façade, that I'm ashamed, but I cant say that its too late.  I'm 28 years old and for the first time, I feel like my life can truly start with the true me.  I cant wait for a man to see the same inner and outer of myself.

Also, just like the song says...."I'm breaking down and now Ive found, a reason to make it, this time around. No matter where I go, I want you to know, I know that I'm never alone".  Reminds me that God is always there and I'm never alone in this life. 

I love it when I find a song that speaks about my life.  I have to say this song is my life right now and its exciting to think I am who God wants me to be.

Easter 2014

 Since my friend Rudy was in town from the Biggest Loser, I invited him to church and also my best friend.  We went to the church I go too and we had a blast!  Afterwards we went and ate some BBQ.  What Im most happiest about is that since Rudy went to that church service, he said he has gotten so much closer to God and I prayed that before we went.  God works wonders!!!

Biggest Loser Tryouts April 2014

 Back in April, my friend Rudy came through and picked me up to take me to Oklahoma to try out for Biggest Loser.  We had a blast and caught up with our lives and made a memory with trying out for a reality show to change our lives.  The truth of it is, we vowed to ourselves that no matter if we get on or not we are going to have a lifestyle change.  We both have lost alot of weight.  I know my friend Rudy has almost lost 100 pounds and Ive lost 34 pounds.  We are trying to get our lives together so that we feel comfortable within our skin.  We both agreed that marriage helped us get bigger than we ever thought, and we don't want that to happen again. 

Casting Crowns Concert 2014

 

Back in April my best friend and I went to the Casting Crowns concert.  We had a blast!!!

My thoughts

 I wrote this the other day on my phone, but didnt have my laptop, but still wanted to share my thoughts.


I'm at my cousins wedding..... Well  today is the day.   I'm so happy for her.... I'm so proud of her,  to see her happy and about to start a new chapter and journey for her life.   I can honestly say there is no jealousy.   I do on the other hand look at my life.  

I too,  was supposed to be planning a wedding this year.   I knew in my heart with peace that it was God's plan.   I've been struggling a bit  trying to grasp what happened.   I don't understand why,  when I prayed about everything.  I prayed if this man was the one for me over and over.   I prayed if the date was the correct date and still felt peace.   I prayed if we should book the wedding reception place and still felt led too.   So why is it almost July and the man I was going to marry is seeking to find his future wife?  

I'm struggling with trying to see the bigger picture.   Trying to see what God already sees when I know I never will.   I'm struggling with yes,  I understand how I was but why God would say a man is for me and it not come to pass.  

I believe God is the all knowing and he knows each and every step,  action and thought before we were even created. I can't imagine a God who is the all knowing purposefully tell me,  show me,  and use other people to reveal a man to me that was my future husband when I didn't have an open heart too want him,  and God KNOW ING that later we would not end up.   Some people say that God gives us free will and maybe yall were meant to be,  but Brian chose different so God will send you someone else.   I agree we have free will,  but I disagree with that statement.   Here's an example.  It's like if God promised Abraham and Sarah that they would have a child,  then Abraham left and went to another country and never came back.   Because of Abrahams choice (which God already knew the choice he would of made)  they now won't have a child?   Wouldn't that be a lie?   Wouldn't that be a let down of a God?  Why would he of said it if he wouldn't deliver the promise? 
Then I have people say that God can change his mind.   I disagree with that too.   How would God be the all knowing if he dosent know later down the road if he might change his mind?  If he does know that something is going to change then wouldn't that just be God's plan?   So then we go back to the promises mentioned before..... I can't imagine our God telling us something that may happen and then it never does.   How could you trust and have faith in  God that way?
So there is option 3....which is.... Maybe you heard wrong,  does it line up to the Scriptures?  How I was acting in the relationship, no.... BUT... Everything I asked for in a man who lined up with me spiritually,  morally and religious wise.... Yes.... Which in turn is equally yolked .   I didn't hear one thing,  one time and went with it.   I prayed on it for months and months.   I had people coming out of the work sheds who I didn't know sometimes say we were meant to be and we looked like we have been married for a while.   I understand the enemy can say and use whoever,  but then how is it that God touched my heart for two days of the list I carried around for years and brian  was everything off that list?   I forgot all about that list and then God reminded me.
Option 4.... You're life's not over and it dosent mean it won't happen.   This is true.... I'm really trying to live my life one day at a time.   I know spiritually I'm ready for my next husband.   I have no desire to seek or search for him,  because I want God to write my love story with whomever it may be.   I don't know the time or place,  but I know i can't make someone love me or be with me. For the first time I want God to have the reigns in my love life.   I pray that whoever I do marry he's allowing it too,  and when God sees it best fit for both of us,  we will meet and will just know that God brought us together.  
I used to try and seek happiness in men even if they were temporary.   Now that I'm walking with Christ, he's the one who will always make me happy no matter what.   I want God's blessings,  I want His purpose and will for my life. I want to be fine and content with or without someone.  I can't just run and try to find someone to move on with life,  it's where my trust and faith lies that God will place them in my life at the right time.

At the end of the day I have no clue who and when I will marry.   Every time I have the feelings to move forward and move on because well.....he seems to have..... I'm reminded to 'wait'  and let me tell you,  I can get very frustrated and discouraged.   Deep down since he seems to of moved on,  it would be nice for me too.  I can honestly sit here and say that I'm not holding on because I want too,  I'm holding on to God's hand that what he has placed on my heart is what I need to do. I want to obey my Lord and Savior and I know that at the end I will be rewarded.

Purity

I finished my book, How to become the woman God wants you to be and the other day when I was out running errands, I really felt led to go to Mardels.  I really didn't want too, though before I left the house I had made plans too, but it was getting hot and I just wanted to get my errands done with.  God kept tugging at my heart and so I agreed to go and went.  I remember walking into Mardels, telling God, "Okay, you lead me where you want me to go".  He actually led me to a few places, but then I ended in the book section.  I was just reading books about what He might want me to get and then my eye caught a book.  I schemed right over it, but then it went back.  The title of the book read, "When God writes your love story".  I knew it was the book!!!

I'm reading the book now and cant seem to put it down.  It has opened up my eyes alot the past few days and I have come to a conclusion with where I am at in life.  I'm 28 years old, no children here on earth, divorced and it feels sometimes like time is running out.  I thought I met the man God wanted me to be with, but since then handed it over to God.  I'm not in control and I honestly want Gods best for me.

I'm vowing myself purity.  Obviously Ive been married and I cant say that I'm pure in virginity wise, but I will remain faithful till the day God places a man in my life.  I don't want to meet my selfish desires of companionship or affection by temporary relationships, I honestly want to tell my future husband that I waited on him.  If my future husband could look at me now, I would want him to smile that I'm waiting him and I do hope hes waiting on me.  I wouldn't want my future husband to see me giving any part of me to another man.

I know my worth and I know my heart, as God does too.  I know I want a man, I desire a man to treasure my heart.  I gave my heart to God, so that one day when the man God has for me, my Father will hand the part of my heart that my future husband needs over to him so that he may treasure it with his whole being, as likewise with me to him.  Kinda like that saying, " I want my future husband to be so lost in God that he has to seek Him to find me".

In the meantime I will be waiting and praying for my future spouse.  I pray that they are doing the same for me.  I want to live as if my future husband can see my every thought and action and to honor him in every possible way.  Its quite a beautiful thing.  I trust my God that He wants me to be happy and to marry a godly man, someone who shares the same values and morals as me.  I know during this time, God has opened up my heart and has been molding me and now I want nothing more, to be that future wife and future mother and to be able to make my future husband feel like a respected, honored and valued man who as a wife, will love and support him throughout this life.  I do feel honored that God has given me this time to become that woman.

I'm going to really try and work on not thinking of what I thought God had planned for me, because He still might......I just know, that during this time I'm going to remain faithful, honest and pure for my future husband.  I hope one day when I have him face to face that he can smile and be thankful that I waited for him.

Feeling bad for who I used to be

I know the enemy likes to remind us of everything we did wrong, when alot of the times, hes the one who whispered in our ears to do it in the first place.  I cant help but feel bad for everything I have ever done in any of my relationships.  I don't know how some of them stuck with me so long.  Even though looking back, I don't know who she is, because I honestly can sit here and say that I have been transformed, I still have my memories.

My ex husband is and was a good man.  To this day he will help me if I needed it in some way.  We arnt close, but I know we will always remain friends.  We grew up together and went through alot of ups and downs, but there is no love, romantic feelings anymore.  Its just a genuine friendship.  I know when I talk to him I don't have to explain myself, he just knows and gets it.  He put up with me alot, I was not the best wife and I was so young and selfish.  I'm actually starting to get teary eyed reading this because I know that God has put on a replay of my life and the choices I made.  If your reading this and don't know, I was very mean. I never cheated or was unfaithful, but I was this huge brat.  I would occasionally hit my ex husband on his back or arm really hard, I would yell at him and nit pick.  If I'm honest with myself and with you, I did that to the 2 ex boyfriends after that too.  Why?  I can tell you why.

All 3 relationships I wasn't where I needed to be in Christ.  I was looking to them for love and fulfillment that only God could fulfill.  I was insecure, jealous and selfish.  My whole life, my mom and grandpa lived their life around me and I just carried it through each relationship that way.  I know my mom and grandpa didn't intend to do that, but in reality it harmed me.  My mom never asked much from me and neither did my grandpa, so in return I never expected other people to ask much of me and when they did, I simply turned it down if I didn't want to do it.  I never got to see a healthy marriage and what its like to have 2 people try and work on things as a team.  Instead I had a single mother who was the mom and the dad and it was her rules her way.  Which in turn, I know my mom didn't do anything to harm me, but was just trying her best the only way she knew how.  So I got to see a strong woman who had her rules and things went her way, as I feel I incorporated over into my relationships.

I study all the time.  I study the Bible, listen to sermons and listen to Christian music.  Ive listened and read on relationships and how God wants them to be and how they should work.  I know being with someone is work, its a constant effort, just like staying close to God is work and effort.  Its taking time out of your day alot of times to spend that one on one time with God if you live a hectic life, but you work on it and find the time.  I also have an amazing therapist who is God driven and really helps you reach into yourself to find out why you do the things you do.

I admit of doing things wrong.  I also can admit that I'm glad the knowledge I know now.  I know that I cant go back in time and change anything, and honestly I'm not sure if I would if I could.  I wouldn't because then I wouldn't be here at this moment in my life writing this, hopefully touching someone or helping someone.

I know my hearts desire is to  reach out and help people.  Ive been honored for a handful of people to come up to me and tell me that I'm a big example and have been helping them without my knowing, during this time of growth.  They have told me that they have seen the way that I have had faith and held on to the promises that God has told me and the way that I'm bettering myself and smiling.  If someone can see my faith in God and its helped them get closer to God, then by golly......I can smile at the end of the day.

My last relationship was with a good man that I really felt like God had for me.  I'm honestly not sure where I stand at the moment with it, because I feel like hes moved on and doesn't have a desire to see what God has done in my life and that's okay, I don't blame him.  I can imagine the things he thinks of, is all the bad, and truth be told, it is easier sometimes to move forward and not look back.  I was sadden the other day thinking how he must remember me by.  I was disappointed in myself and yet thankful that God doesn't look at me that way.  I know with me its not easy for me to stop loving someone and move on.  I see its easy for alot of people and I wish I was that way.  Its always harder for me to give my heart over the next time around, because of the pain it takes to get over them in the first place.  I can honestly sit here and call that a blessing, because when I love.....I truly love!

I cant wait till God lets me love again, this next time the right way!  It brings a smile to my face to know I have been blessed with amazing men in my life that once loved me.  I cant honestly say anything bad about them.  It is hard for the last one for me to get over, considering Ive always felt that he was the one.  I guess when God is ready for me to move on, then God will change my heart.  I do want to be loved and give my love to a man who's love is for God.  I want to be able to hold my future husbands hands and pray together.

My last relationship, he would always grab my hands in church and hold them tight during prayer.  If I had to list one thing that I miss the most, it honestly has to be that.  I do pray that I will one day have that back in my life, when I can sit next to a man and when its time to pray, he simply reaches over, grabs my hands and together as a couple coming before the Lord, give our thankfulness.  I smile sitting here, hoping that God gives me my hearts desire and it also makes me realize what I had.

God had my story written out before I was born.  I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but I cant wait with Gods grace, for Him to write my love story.

:)