My grandpa

As Fathers Day approaches, I always go to the man that helped raised me, which is my grandfather.  He is such a good godly man and I couldn't of ask for a better role model growing up.  As I have gone to therapy, working on me and learning what it is that made me who I am from my childhood, my therapist figured something out.

My grandpa and I at Christmas, and me alot bigger

Growing up, I always seen this strong willed of a mother who had to be the mother and father in discipline and she worked her tail off to provide.  I saw my grandpa take care of me and let my mother do her thing, but never really saw a strong man that took control.  I always thought I needed a man with a backbone, but in reality, it was me.  I need to show more love, caring and compassion and that's exactly what I have been doing.  I used to treat my grandpa as a child, taking care of him and everything, but since I have been treating him as an elder, a man I love, his whole attitude has changed.  I didn't realize the impact I did, just on him alone, so I cant imagine the intense I did to the other men I had in my life.

My grandpa now offers more help and encourages me and helps me.  He wants to do more and I know its because before he always thought he might do it wrong and I would make a big deal out of it.  Since being calm and respecting him, I can tell hes more happy and it makes me feel awful for the way I was before, but the truth is, I cant change it, but move forward, learn and be able to keep doing it.  I never told my grandpa what I learned in therapy, I just changed what I was doing.

My therapist told me, that my grandpa is the man that I need to start on, need to start changing my ways and then when Gods time comes, I can and will be able to treat my husband that way.  Its so much peaceful, but for some reason, this is the time that God wanted me to learn this.  I know God has great things ahead of me and this is just 20 steps closer.

I wrote this a week ago and each day that passes, its getting so much easier and so much rewarding.  I am reminded that such small things I would complain about, was nothing.  I made big deals over nothing and now that I see it, I simply just be quiet and move forward.  Today, I saw that my grandpa spilt something in the refrigerator.  He admitted that he spilt it, but just didn't clean it up.  My old self would of told him, "Why didn't you clean it up?  Can you clean it up?  It isn't hard, if you noticed that you spilt something?"  Instead, I asked him about it, went and got a paper towel and cleaned it up.  It wasn't a big mess, but I would of took it as laziness of my grandpas part, but instead thought, maybe he cant bend down and wipe it off, so it took me a whole minute to do something so small.  He told me he would clean it up and I told him that I got it.

Some people reading this, might think I was cold hearted and a B word, and your right.  I try and see people as Jesus sees people and if I can do something to help or make someone smile or feel good, then I'm going to do it.  My grandpa is a great role model of sacrifice and unselfishness and I admire him for that.  I am very blessed to have a godly man in my life, even its just my grandpa.  Hes the only parent I have left and I wouldn't trade him for the world.  I know that his purpose on this earth isn't done yet, and I know that its to help me, hopefully to be the best woman I can be!

The truth

I feel like I write, which is all truth, but I don't pour out my heart like I'm used to doing.  The truth of the matter is, I'm waiting on God.  No one really gets me......its hard to explain sometimes to people.  I had one lady tell me the other day that I'm delusional, because she said she never heard God.  Do I doubt myself sometimes? I have had people tell me what I hear God say, should line up with the Bible and here it goes.....

I'm waiting for a relationship that I know in my heart is what I should do.  Whether it turns out or not, I don't know, but I already got mad at God and it didn't get far and it didn't do much for me, but harm me, so I wait.....

I can remember alot of times in my life when I felt God tell me or put something on my heart that I didn't want to do.  A simple example would be, a few years ago I was on a school board for the school I worked at.  We barely got paid, but since I was on the school board it was my duty to come up with $50.00 to donate or have a $50.00 auction item.  I love Christmas and it was Christmas Banquet time and we needed the $50.00 donation or auction item.  One night I was putting out my Christmas decorations at my house and the year before I bought one of those blow up Snow globe and I couldn't wait to put it out.  I had waited all year and I waited for it to be the last thing to put out.  I felt God tell me, I need to donate it.  It was $50.00, though because I bought it half off the year before, it was only $25.00.  I remember sitting there on my steps, praying, going over and over the options of if I don't listen to God, what would happen.  I thought of it not working, I thought of it ruining, I thought of someone stealing it or ripping it up.  I waited all year and was super excited, but you know what?  I listened.  I went and bought another one after Christmas and waited another year, but I did what I was supposed too, whether I liked it or not.

My marriage.....after Mark left me, a year later, I was getting right, back with God and one night I felt God tell me to fight for my marriage.  I didn't want too.....He was gone for a year now and he was with her and I didn't want to fight, thinking if I could forgive him or not.  I listened......months went by and I did everything I could, my heart was in it, but I didn't understand because I didn't know if I wanted it, but I know I was rewarded and I know I live with peace now.  I know the enemy wouldn't of wanted me to fight for my marriage....he was happy he won and it was ending.

Commiting adultery.....Before it started getting serious, I would drive over to his house.  During the ride, its when the Holy Spirit would yell at me and I remember driving with my radio so loud in my car, because I didn't hear it.  Throughout the whole relationship, I was told to walk away and I never listened.  I would cry laying in bed next to him, because I knew spiritually I was far away, but I could still hear and feel God talk to me, but I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I loved him and I wanted it to work, but I knew it wasn't going too, because I knew what the Holy Spirit told me.  So of course, yes, it was the Holy Spirit, because it was wrong, it was sin and I know the devil isn't going to tell me to leave an adulteress affair.

So here I am with Brian.  I didn't want to be with Brian.  Everyone knew and I fought it and God started tearing down my walls that I had to the moon and back.  I wanted them up there, they were my safe zone of not being hurt.  I never felt with any man the way I felt with Brian.  I knew it was it....this was the man.  I would of never of planned a wedding a month into a relationship, but I know what I felt and I know what God told me.  So here I am, alone.....waiting on God to tell me something different.  I'm waiting, I'm fighting for something I don't know if I want.  When I think of Brian, I sometimes really question what hes doing over there with his growth in Christ.  I know Brian and when hes done, hes done, so to me it looks like the impossible.  Its so hard to sit here and wait on something that looks impossible, but I do it because I know in my heart that's what I'm supposed to do.  I, myself, don't want too, because it'll be easier to move on, but its not what I'm told to do.  I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I wait until God does something.  I know hes still working on me and I'm at peace with it, but I do know if I'm wrong, then 3 other people who feel the exact same way as me, is wrong too and what are the odds, of God telling 4 people the same thing, all wrong???

I don't blame anyone for this, other than myself.  As I grow closer with the Lord and take each step to becoming this amazing woman, I am very thankful for this time, but I'm also sad when I look at the person that I was.  I just want to hug all 3 men and apologize with how mean I was and that I didn't offer them the best kind of woman.  I know now what I need to do, to be a submissive, supportive wife, who honors and loves her husband.  I want to please God and I know now how to please God, by pleasing my husband.  

One thing I learned which is HUGE to me, is I say everything that comes to my mind which has been pounding me down my whole life.  I have learned through a sermon I watched, is that each bad thought that comes in your mind (HEAD) shouldn't come out of our lips (MOUTH), so then it wont go to our HEART.  He used an example if it trickling down, so if we think it and it doesn't come out of our mouth, then it wont get to our heart and we wont believe it.  I have been working on this for a couple of week and it works.  So if you are an over thinker like me, just don't speak it, because your not speaking truth!! Speak only the truth, from God and your heart will be filled with joyful things.  I'm at peace way more than I have ever been, because I don't speak.  Its weird when I'm around my friends and I consciously speak positive things, but its very uplifting and encouraging, then always going over "what ifs".  Another thing I have been working on is the "what ifs".  Now when I say it, I stop and say something else, because I am trusting God that what happens is already planned and I cant change it, but just go down the path He has for me.

I honestly, feel like this brand new woman and I have to give all the credit to my Saviour.  Do I struggle? Of course....Its a constant thing I have to pray and lift if up to God and its me being in Gods word and listening to the truth.  I pray for God to give me His thoughts all the time, and its been a prayer that has saved me, because as easy as I can hear God, I can hear the enemy, so when my thoughts start getting negative and discouraging, I simply rebuke the devil In Jesus Name and ask God to give me His thoughts. 

So here I am.....doing Gods will. I'm so close to God that its amazing and comforting.  I have prayed numerous times that if Brian isn't for me, for God to change my heart and I hear one word.....WAIT!  I remember when I was fighting for my marriage, I would hear one simple word....FIGHT!  I will wait, until God tells me to do something else or takes it from my heart.  If I'm going to be a woman of God, which I am, I have to do what God tells me to do, whether I understand or not, or if I want to do it or not.  I know the rewards will be abundant and very rewarding.  Am I saying I don't want to Brian?  No.....I'm saying I have no idea what God is doing in his life or what Brian is thinking and that's okay.  I'm saying that I'm sure he is over remembering all the horrible things I have done and doubting if he would ever want to be with me, cause I know I sure would.  I, myself catch myself thinking of the negative things that bugged me about Brian, making me doubt and wonder if it could ever work out, but I have to look at my life and see what God has done, so why couldn't he work in his life???

My friends.....its faith.....its trust.....I don't know what my love story will in tale.  I would love to say that what I have felt and heard from God will come to pass and I can share a great testimony as people have looked at my life and looked at me and doubted.  I could be all wrong and I marry a guy named Bob in 4 years.  Right now, I can honestly say, I hear God say Wait.....on Brian.....so its what I do, until I get further instructions.

If you hear or feel God place something on your heart, ask for confirmation and reassurance and always rebuke the devil in Jesus Name when you hear or see something from the spiritual side.  If it seems impossible, trust God, for all things are possible with God.  Walk by faith, not by sight.  I have to remind myself of these scriptures all the time. 

But this is long enough of a blog, I have been waiting all day to blog from work and Im tired now.....It was just really heavy on my heart to blog for some reason.

God Bless

My prayer

My prayer I wrote on 05/25/14

Lord I know now is the time/season of growth.  My heart yearns to follow and understand what it is your still working in me and I know I'm still in this season.  This can get tough, lonely can set in, but you are my God who never leaves me.  Thank you God for forgiving me and giving me graces and mercy for taking the time to let me grow and be that woman you have created me to be.  I know that my future husband already set, so I give you my everything as I wait holding your hand.  I have to admits its hard sometimes, because I cant see, but I know you wouldn't guide me to a place that would harm me.  Help me to grow my faith in you that I wont be scared anymore.  I know Lord that fear is not from you.  I know at times I want to give up because the impossible looks like the impossible, but I know your word says, With Christ, all things are possible.  I claim that in Jesus Name.  I love you and I want to please you in everything I do, so please guide me, show me, teach me and to help  get me to that destination and next chapter without the long route.  I want what you want for my life, because I know you know whats best for me!  I do pray that you watch over my family, finances and friends, household, my health, grandpas health and my loved ones who are struggling with their personal issues.  I do pray that I will one day get married and have children and that we can be a Godly couple who serves you fully.  Show me what you want me to do, put people in my life to help and give me the words to say when people need to hear the most.  Use me God, that I may glorify you in everything I do, that people may see you in me.  Sometimes God I know I get impatient, but I know that's when your trying to grab my attention the most.  I look around and see people hurting way worse than me and I pray if I can help through my pain that I might help with compassion.  Thank you God for blessing me with each and every item you have loaned me, each and every person in my life, each and every trial and storm I have faced.  You have always been good to me and always been there.  I know you have never left me or forsake me.  I can find the comfort in that you are God of love and teach me to need that and only that for all the days to come, for I know people will hurt me, leave me, but you my God, never will.  Help me Lord to be an example to others and I pray that people will see your love and works in my life as I left them up to you.  God if what I'm feeling still is wrong, I pray Lord that you put it on my heart so that I may release and move forward.  If not Lord, this feeling that you have given me for almost a year is true and from you, that I may keep it near to my heart and claim it in Jesus Name.  I pray that others may feel it and that they may see your promises unfold in my life.  I want to thank you for everything in advance.  In my most precious Jesus Name I pray. Amen


I wrote this prayer in my prayer journal one day at work.  It poured out of me and today as I was having a rough day, I read it and of course got teary eyed.  This prayer was powerful to me and in fact when I wrote it, it moved me.  I mean every single thing I prayed for, I struggle sometimes with these feelings I have. 

I met someone who is going through the same thing as me.  They are waiting for someone who doesn't love them back and they cant shake what they hear and feel.  As we have communicated, we both can hear God almost the same way.  We struggle and don't understand and people around us don't understand what we feel and we know people think we are crazy.  I have enjoyed getting to know this person and its good to always talk to someone who is going through something you are, especially when its rare.

I thought I was going through a storm.....

We all go through seasons of our lives.  Three months ago I was going through a season of love.  A year ago I was going through a season of new beginnings and now I'm going through a season of growth.  When I was single all over again a few months ago, it really seemed like a storm to me, I lost the man that God gave me.  As time has gone by and my relationship with Jesus Christ has blossomed, I still feel like I was in a storm, because I feel like a part of me was missing.

I was talking to my friend the other night and she is going through a storm.  When looking at my life, nothing bad is going on, everything is fine, just feel lonely at times, which I know I'm not, cause God is right there.  My friend told me its not a storm I'm going in, its a famine.  I sat there thinking, huh?  She explained that I'm thirsty......I'm thirsty for Christ, I'm thirsty to be the woman God created me to be, I'm thirsty to being the wife and mother that I know I can be.  That was exactly it.....I'm thirsty and I no longer worry about my future or what will happen tomorrow, I focus on today and today only.  I know that whatever happens tomorrow, will happen whether I want it too or not.  I also know that whoever I end up with, will be Gods will.  I have given my whole heart to God and I truly, honestly want His will and plan in my life.  I do hope and pray that whoever God lets me have on this earth, will see my heart.  I hope he can see that God will always be number 1 and I that I strive to be that woman who pleases God.  I want someone who will fight for our marriage, our relationship, our family.  I see so many couples right now married,  wanting to give up and walk away and it already happened to me once, that I need a man who will not let the enemy win.

I think I'm just sad and burdened with whats going on around me.  At times when I feel like my life seems horrible, in reality God shows me that I'm actually very blessed.  This time, this season is very precious to me.  My confidence is starting to soar as I'm losing more weight, I have only 44 more pounds to my goal, as I'm down 33 now.  My season can be based off of my weight, because it takes time to lose weight, just like it takes time to grow.  A plant doesn't grow over night, a baby doesn't form over night, it takes time.  I'm being patient for the first time in a long time and its actually very peaceful.

I do pray for my future husband, that he is growing with Christ and going throughout each day wanting to please Him.  Its just a weird feeling knowing that your heart is already reserved for someone and yet you go through each day trying to keep your eyes focused on God.  I guess it can be a curse and a blessing all at once.  Its where my faith and trust comes in, which at times I doubt, but that's a work in progress.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm being disrespected and not valued and ask myself if this is what I will deal with for the rest of my life? I have to remind myself that God is changing me, changing my heart, so why couldn't He do that to them?

I haven't been able to sleep well for some reason.  I wake up throughout the night looking at the clock.  I feel weak and heavy burdened at times.  Also, I do have to say, not being on any social media websites has changed my life.  I don't even think about it, but when I pick up my phone, I'm ready to read one of my 15 devotionals that I have signed up for.  I am really trying to spend my time that pleases God, learning about Him and staying in His word so I can follow His plan in my life. I know that I could take this time and spend it wisely, or take my time and slack off doing what I want.  I'm not getting younger and I know that God has great plans for me, the sooner I learn, the sooner He can use me to the fullest.  I do know right now Hes using me.

The other night I was feeling kind of down and reached out to a couple of my friends.  In turn they needed me a whole lot more than I needed them. When I reached out, they were both glad that they heard from me and I spent my whole lunch break talking to them about what was bothering them.  I left my lunch breaking feeling so much better and blessed that I could help them, that I forgot all about my little ole problem.

I don't know....I want to shout it from a roof top, everything that God has been and is doing in my life.  The enemy is right behind me whispering those sweet nothings in my ear and I catch myself at times believing it, but at the end of the day, God has placed so much peace and truth in my heart, that I just have to hold on to that and wait as time goes on to see when it fulfills.

My advice to you is, when things look like its impossible and you know this is what God wants you to do or to be with or to move too, you really have to have faith and sometimes Hes waiting on you to take that step forward to show you that He has a plan.  We all are a work in progress, but its up to us to do Gods will or to live our own.  We may never know or understand why things happen the way they do, but sometimes when you look back, it was the best time you could of have had.

Right now, I could of easily been planning a wedding and spending time with my future husband as we plan and grow together, but God saw something else.  I know He had to remove me, because I wouldn't of been able to be that wife and mother that God knew I could be, that I prayed for.  Sometimes my heart desires to still plan a wedding, because that's what I feel like God told me, but then I have to look at myself, right now and there would of been no way I would be this amazing woman if I didn't go through this.   I say I'm amazing, yes, because I am.  I am amazing because God lives within me and I feel amazing knowing that.  I want myself to shine for God that when they see me, they see Christ and not some selfish, insecure, brat of a woman.  One day, a man will see that and treasure it!!!  Oh what a glorious day!

Break my heart for what breaks yours

I enjoy going to church, but every Sunday I always get attacked.  I'm reminded that I go to church alone, I'm reminded that I had someone who would hold my hand and pray and I'm reminded that I'm still growing. 

Today while singing, this song Hosanna came on and while singing, these words:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

It struck me!!!

Those are powerful words and as you all know back in February I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His.  I knew Brian and mines relationship wasn't where it should of be, speaking for myself with me carrying my baggage and I knew God needed to work on me and mold me.  Today in church I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His again.  I knew what might come, but even though I don't feel as if I'm doing anything that would break Gods heart, I prayed it anyways.  I told God I want to be stripped clean and to be molded to the fullest.  I feel as if I have been walking with God, the closest I ever have in my life and I pray all the time for this not to be temporary, but forever.  I want to always seek God in everything I am.  I have been praying for when God brings my mate in my life, and I pray that He seeks God with everything, so as a couple we can be that God seeking couple that can be a witness, testimony and example to others. 

I have probably a month left of my Proverbs 31 book left, and its a powerful book for women.  I have realized my confidence is in Christ, which in turn lets me have confidence with everything, my inner and outer beauty.  Sometimes I struggle because my friend always gets hit on alot and I feel like men don't even look my way.  The crazy thing is, when I sit back and look at it, its actually a blessing.  I know there is the one man that God wants me to be with, that will see me and only me, because he sees Christ in me and that will be the man that I want to look at me.  The truth of it all, is I'm waiting, I'm waiting on God to show me my next step.  His word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path and I picture Jesus with a lantern holding it next to me and I cant see far, Jesus knows where we are going, but I can only see what He reveals and I'm taking my faith and trust and walking the next step with Him.



I know I wont always be in this season of growth, there will be a time when Jesus says I'm ready to be a wife and a mother, so I don't really fret on it now.  I don't know what Hes doing to my future husband.  I am learning to love others, like Jesus loves others.  I'm working on being a servant of the Lord and not look at me and what benefits me, but what I can do to help others.  Its a huge step for me as my whole life I have been selfish, but God has been laying it on my heart for over a month now and its rewarding.  My heart isn't heavy burdened anymore and I'm eager now to see how Jesus is going to use me. 

I keep going back to the song lyrics and how powerful they are.  If we praised God and talked to God everyday like that, it would be amazing! 

I'm here God, use me, teach me, show me and guide me in everything that glorifies You!
In Jesus Name,
Amen


(crazy thing about the pic, is when I was looking for something, I was trying to find something that I was picturing in my head with the lantern and Jesus guiding me, and then I couldn't find one and God said, "Keep Going", so I did and when I came across this one, I knew it was the one, God is so good)

Beauty in flaws

The more that I have come to know myself lately, the more I realized that I'm a perfectionist.  I'm not a perfectionist in everything, but it carries on to alot of things.  I always wanted my hair to be perfect, my teeth to be perfect (still wear my retainer sometimes), I need to look presentable at almost all times if I'm out in public.  I don't have the perfect house, but with what I have, I try and take care of it and it last forever.  Some of my "perfectistic ways" also carry on to other people, especially the men in my life.  Like I mentioned before, they need to look, dress, or act a certain way.

I remember when I was in counseling after my ex husband left, I was told that I put too much pressure on myself and the people around me. 
As I'm getting older and I'm looking in the mirror, I see so many flaws than ever before.  I'm seeing more grey hairs and I noticed my skin on my face isn't the most youngest and freshest.  I look at my body and see stretch marks, scars and saggy skin from losing weight.  Most of these things will always be a part of me unless I go under the knife.  I do wonder as I'm getting older, if a man would even want this kind of body.  I'm sure most men visualize themselves with a woman who is still "young and vibrant". 

The more that each day goes by and I'm getting older, I'm accepting who I am and what I look like.  I'm sure there are things I could of prevented years ago, with stretch marks and just taking care of my body more, but the truth of the matter is, I cant change time.  When I look at a man, I don't want this buff, 8 pack of abs, tones, what the world would call sexy of a man.  I think Ive always looked within the heart and maybe that's why if I look back at the 3 men that I ever dated, they are all good men.  I don't find cockiness attractive, I actually stay away from those type of people, who you might call, "too confident".  The people who Ive came across who are like that, have nothing to offer and can be shallow people, so I think sometimes, what are they hiding, why do they think so highly of themselves?

When I look in the mirror, I smile, just because I see myself growing, becoming the woman God wants me to be.  Someone the other day, told me that I was beautiful, I smiled and said thank you.  I told them, "I am, I'm made in the image of God and I'm worthy".  This person knew that I never took a compliment, but I told them that, to show appreciation and to let them know I'm getting stronger with the person that God has transformed me into.  I didn't want it to be some cocky statement, but I'm the worst at thinking something of someone and not letting them know.  They might have a nice shirt or a dress or a good hair style or even just handsome or beautiful, but I'm the worst at taking my time to make someone smile and I'm not really sure why.  Its not a pride thing or scared or anything, I just don't really think to take the time and initiate something like that. 

I have to be honest, since this is my blog and I want to share with my struggles and blessings.  When I was in relationships, I was very insecure.  I didn't even want the man that I was with to even look in the direction of another woman.  I thought of many things, I thought they might find them more attractive then myself, they might try and pursue them, they might try and compare me to them or wish they were with them.  I don't know, but all those thoughts came to my mind and I know its because I have always been insecure with my body and appearance, and my ex husband leaving me didn't help.  I really felt like this is what God has been laying on my heart lately.  Ive been observant with women around me, at church or in stores.  I wonder if I had a male by my side what would my thoughts be.  Every time I start to think that my insecurity would flare up if they were there, I felt like God would touch my heart and tell me, the man who I will marry will love me and they might notice them, but its up to THEM to pursue with temptation, with either looking too hard or have his thoughts carry on further.  I just felt like God was reminding me once again, that I have no control, which is true.  I cant control anothers thoughts or feelings or even actions, and I think for so long Ive tried to, that it actually did more harm then good.  I never did it in despite, but out of fear of being hurt, which always led to being hurt anyways.  I feel like God has laid on my heart that all I can do for my spouse is to pray that when temptation comes his way, that he is strong enough to withstand it.  In fact, I pray for that daily for my future spouse, because I know that whatever he is doing now, could affect us for when God brings us together.

Ive said this before, but this is a season of growth, a season my friend told me before it happened when God laid it on her heart.  Sometimes when I get discouraged, I'm reminded of the woman that God is creating me to be.  The works I can do for my Heavenly Father when I'm strong and confident in God and in myself.  I know God is preparing me to be the wife and mother that He knows I can be, and I'm very honored and blessed to think God has used this time to mold me.

Beauty in flaws is a beautiful thing.  I remember one time I told Brian that my scar on my stomach that's a ruler long from my kidney cancer surgery, was ugly and to not look at it.  He said, "Its beautiful, because it shows that you are alive".  How sweet was that.  Now I look at my scars as a way of saving my life.  I have 3 other small scars from my appendix and if I have another surgery, I will have yet another one.  I'm going to look my body as  a way of God saying, "I'm not done with you yet."  I have scars on my heart with God sewing it up and reminding me of what He has done in my life and reminding me how He will use me.

No matter how many battle wounds you may have, whether it be physically, spiritual, emotional or even mental, you have a purpose and God is not done working on you yet.  When you look at you physically or even at your heart of past hurts or even an open wound right now, just know that there is a reason and even though it may suck right now and you don't want to be in it, just imagine the growth and strength that you are getting from God and becoming to hopefully help in the future.  Now you might say, "Well I would rather not be going through this and I could care less if I could help someone in the future, I just don't want to be feeling this right now", just know that God is there, wanting you to come to Him, to lean on Him and to trust that this season of your life is for a reason.  As much as I am not enjoying this part of my life at times, I know its rewarding and I know its beneficial for me.  As June is creeping up, I was reminded that I thought this year was going to be a good year, learning my future husband, planning a wedding, and yet I'm single, learning myself and that God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him and His planning.  I don't know what the future holds, but that's when you need to hand over to God and just surrender and tell God, "I give this to you, I surrender, I don't know the plans you have for me, but I want what You want, I want Your plan and will done in my life, In Jesus Name, Amen".  When you hand it all over to God, whether its cancer, loss of a loved one, financial, divorce, it could be just life is boring and you feel like there isn't a purpose", God will show you the purpose, the reason, the understanding, but don't expect it over night or even next week. It might be a month or a year when looking back, but don't forget to thank Him now, and even later down the road.  Our God is a loving God and His mercy is everlasting!!!

God Bless

Just remember, you are beautiful, because God created you, you are worthy and you are valuable.  God wouldn't have you here on this earth if He didn't have a reason or a purpose for you life, but just never forget that our God is a jealous God and He wants our attention and for us to give Him our struggles and worries.  Smile and remember that someone out there has it a little bit worse, you are blessed! :)

Feeling a void

If you know me, my mind can run ninety miles to nothing.  Its quite horrible to live that way, but I didn't know any other way of living.  When I first started to understand this "waiting room" time of my life, I read a book by Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the mind", and it talks about we have control of our thoughts.  I daily pray for God to give me His thoughts, because human nature we worry and I'm the worst at "what ifs".  Also, the enemy likes to whisper those sweet nothings in your ear, that makes you stress out, worry or think of things that probably never will happen. 

I mentioned before that I haven't really "heard" God speak to me lately, but He has been laying things on my heart.  I still hear His voice, but this whole new level of seeking my heart and searching Him is very rewarding. 

I catch myself starting to wonder about things that are out of my control.  I sit there sometimes and think of "what ifs" and what the future holds.  I have started to realize that when that happens, I instantly rebuke the devil in Jesus name and pray and ask God to give me His thoughts.  Almost instantly, my mind refocuses on what I need to be thinking about.  That prayer alone, for God to give me His thoughts, has changed my life. 

What void am I feeling? 

God has been so gracious to me.  A few weeks ago, when I had my melt down and was quite angry with God, I really felt like I needed that.  I needed my rock bottom.  During that whole time, I realized that I wasn't having trust and faith in God, I only thought I was.  I have learned to take each-day-at-a-time!  You might be thinking that I'm slow and crazy for just now realizing this, but this is huge to me.  I actually look at the future as a gift each day, whether I work or its my day off.  Ive also noticed that when I try and make plans for things ahead, when I just go with the flow, its actually alot more rewarding and peaceful. 

When I look back at my life and how much I tried to plan ahead, it stressed me out and stressed the people around me out.  If I started to plan my birthday right now, there would be no way.  I don't know who's going to be in my life at that point and I don't know financially where I will be.  So why worry about it?  What about today?  Whats going on today?  Who can you reach out too and encourage today?  Jesus is here right now!  I always thought that if you plan ahead, you are organized and ready for the bumps.  Truth is, a few months ago, I was planning a wedding that I thought was promised to me.  I honestly felt like there was no way that it couldn't happen, because that's what I felt God tell me and tell me that this man is my husband.  Then the bump in the road happened and now I have no clue what tomorrow brings.  The most amazing thing about it is, I trust God!  I trust Him with today and tomorrow.  I focus only on today though and if its Gods will, then it will happen whenever with whomever.  I need to let God do the work in my life!

The void that I'm feeling is worry.  Its amazing!  I lived each day with worry.  Worry about bills, worry about health, worry about this person doing this, or worry about my house being clean.  I didn't live with faith and peace.  Now that I'm CHOOSING to trust and have faith in God, a part of me that I felt for so long, is now voided.  Will I ever worry again?  Of course.  Will I ever think with "what ifs"?  Yes.  But I honestly feel like God is giving me a time to learn to rest with His peace, so I can build my trust and faith in Him. 

A better way for me to explain this is, I can feel the enemy, here, knocking, trying to mess with my mind and put those thoughts that are not from God in me, to make my life miserable.  I can feel Gods strength blocking him away, while I rest in Him.  At times when I let my guard down and start doing my own thing, that's when I feel the enemy start to get to me and I run straight back to God.  My Heavenly Father has been molding me into the woman He wants me to be and I cant wait till my waiting room is over and I can step out with God holding my hand into my next blessings in this life.

If you are in a waiting room or a season of your life where its confusing and you don't understand, I recommend seeking the One who does know what tomorrow holds or a year from now holds.  The truth of the matter is that God wants you to seek Him, so He can bless you and pour out His blessings, which are the best kind, into your life!  Just think, if we all had an easy life where we didn't struggle, we wouldn't need God, we wouldn't need to cry out and have our Heavenly Father carry us and comfort us.  He allows things to happen to redirect our focus on the path He has for us. 

I know that if God didn't separate my relationship 2 months ago, there would of been no way I would of been the wife and mother that God created me to be.  I needed to go through this and when it first happened, I didn't understand and I struggled with what I felt like God promised me.  Its always time, that we can look back and see the growth and what God did in our lives.  I know Gods not done and a month from now I might be writing more and adding more of what God has done and something new I learned. 

I do pray daily for God to write my love story.  The power God has done in my life to grow in just 2 months, I cant imagine what Hes doing in my future husbands life.  If your single and reading this, there is nothing wrong with praying for your future spouse, asking God to prepare their hearts for marriage.  I do pray for you to ask God for His purpose in your life, that He can show you the great plans He has for you!  Also that if your struggling with something, that you lift it up to God, and allow him to take it and mold you, so you can be a great disciple in Christ for Him!