WOW!!! I just read part 1 and part 2 as I published them and........I don't have any words. Okay, I do!!! I don't know who that girl was.
Over the past week, I guess, I have never been this woman that I am today. As I read my blogs of part 1 and part 2 and how crazy my mind was, I don't miss that. I don't know the words to say what God has done for my thoughts. I do pray for me to have Gods thoughts, but my mind has been in shut down mode. I don't talk to anyone, I sit and listen and I try and give out good Godly advice. I haven't heard God speak to me like He normally does, but I also haven't heard the enemies thoughts either and its so peaceful. I feel God touch my heart and lead me to Sunday School and church on Wednesdays, but never His audible voice. I feel Him like I guess other normal people do, but I also feel like Hes giving me a time of rest.
I have figured out the main root of my problem in my relationships. I was at work and it struck me like a bolt of lightening. I am now in the process of God working in my life, healing me, fixing me and the only person that can fix me, is God. Once I realized the problem, there was no way of humanly fixing it. This would be the act of God, but I knew it was possible. Ever since God revealed to me why I did the things I did when I was in a relationship, is when I have been still in Christ, with no thoughts. I don't want to share the problem, at least right now, but ask for prayer as God works in my life.
I also ask for you to pray for my health, I went back to ER again out of the blue one night at 5am when I woke up with pain. It was my second time in a week and they want to do surgery, but I don't have time for that. Morphine wont take away my pain and so they have to give me the highest drug to ease the pain. Also Hydrocodones don't do anything for me, but he said he couldn't give me Oxycodon because of a Texas law. I'm not in the mood for surgery and I have to work and mow and take care of my grandpa and deal with my fence and its just alot right now, but I ask that you just say a prayer for me that God will open up doors and relieve some pain.
Overall, I'm blessed, I cant complain, just trying to praise God in the storm!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
When things started to turn around...Part 2
Being away from God for 4 days, mad and angry and cursing Him has what I feel like has taken me some time to get back on track with Him. I feel God around me, I feel Him here, but I havent heard Him. In fact, the other day at work, I knew it was time for me to go out and do something. I didnt know if it was to visit another church, go to Sunday school or a month ago, my grandpas church told me that I would be good at teaching the children. I didnt really pray about it, but I started to pray that night.
I felt like at that moment God put it on my heart and wanted me to visit a website. I went and wrote down some times for Sunday school and I went......by myself. I was excited, I was at peace and I even joked with some of the people up there. They were all ages, alot around my age and I even knew a girl in the class. I had a couple of men come up to me and they just swore up and down that we met before, but I know they just seen me around.
I actually went to the class the last day of their session. It ended up being something I needed to hear about evil in our lives. After we watched this short video, we broke up into 2 groups and we sat around and we could share a part of our lives where someone did us wrong and we were struggling to either learn to forgive, in the process of forgiving or have forgiven and praising that person in their happiness.
I wanted to share the story of my ex husband, but during the time, I listened to everyone talk. Some talked about their mother, their step father, their father, someone got attacked as a young age and still struggled to fully forgive. They were about to close and asked one last time if anyone wanted to share anything and I knew that was my moment.
I talked about me being married and how I had forgiven my ex husband. How he cheated on me and left me and how he could possibly be facing some health issues, that I have never disclosed on this blog as of yet. I shared how I felt like I needed to be there for him and wanted to be there for him since I have gone through some similar issues with my health. I wanted to be there because hes my friend, because I can relate and because I no longer hold any anguish towards him, but I have forgiven him whole heartldly and I care for him and his well being. I told the group, that even though I have gone through the process of forgiving my ex husband, I feel he hasnt fully forgivin himself, and so I told them, we never know when forgiving someone, what their walk is like or what they are struggling for what they have done.
One of the ladies who was upset over her situation, instantly started reading a scripture on our paper and I knew in my heart, someone or alot of them in the circle, in that moment needed to hear that disclousure. The whole time I sat there wanting to share my forgiveness towards my ex husband, it never dawned on me what that other person that we are trying to forgive, is going through. I think it makes us look at the whole situation a little different. How many times have you done something wrong, said something wrong and regreted it? Whether your pride didnt want to say sorry, but you still lived with it and felt bad, or you never got to see that person again, the truth is, we all have feelings and we all do things we regret in some way. I think when we are the person that gets the pain, the heartbreak, the abandonment or attack, we do take it personal, but we need to just hand it over to God, because God knows each and everyones heart and knows whether or not they are truly sorry or just dont care. I know its hard and sometimes later down the road the anger or hurt comes back and you feel that pain all over again, but its when we need to learn to just hand it back over to God.
When I started to write this, I really wasnt expecting it to be about what I learned in Sunday School or what happened in my circle. I have been really confused lately on what Gods plan and purpose is, since I sometimes feel like God dangled my future in front of me and now Im standing in what I feel in a field with no direction or not knowing where to take the next step. I mentioned before that I havent heard God and I honestly think thats whats best right now, because I am listening, but I need to deal with some things before I take the next step.
God has revealed some issues I need to work on before I can move forward. I mentioned in my blog back in March over some of the things God wanted me to work on, such as selfishness, insecurities and etc., but these things that I feel He has revealed to me the past few days, are much rooted to who I am. These are things that I dont even know where to begin to start changing or thinking differently, but only God and my wanting too change, is the only way this will work.
While I was mad at God, I really felt like I needed to feel mad. I felt like that was a real emotion, a real feeling, and I needed to feel that. I needed to get mad and get angry and still realize and want that my heart wants Gods will, even if I dont understand. I was raised to not be mad at God, but I feel that is wrong. I found an app on my phone, "Mad at God", and realized, Im not the only one. Job, Moses, and David in the Bible all got mad at God and yet loved Him and served Him. I needed my breaking point. I now feel as if Im on the right track to where Im supposed to be. Before, I was so close to God, but I was on Rachels time table and now I feel like Im on Gods time table. Its a struggle, because I keep having to hand it over to God, but I will keep doing that till, I finally get tired of it and realize it was never in my control in the first place.
The truth of the matter is, there is a reason why I am going through this. There is a reason why I feel like God showed me who my husband was going to be and took him away. It could be we both arnt ready and God is molding us into the man and woman we asked to be, maybe Hes getting us ready so we can be that wife and husband before we get married to have a successful marriage. It could be, we were in each others lives for a season to show us our faults. I don't know, but God does, but the only thing I struggle with, with God, is I know in my heart what God told me about Brian, it wasn't the enemy, it wasn't me thinking that, I know, 100%, no doubt, and I still have a wall up with God on trusting Him that it will come to pass, since now looks like the impossible. I know everyone has free will, but I believe that God is the all knowing God and He knows what tomorrow holds and what next week or year holds. He knows which path we are going to take whether it be the straight and narrow or the path to destruction. So in my heart I feel that when God told me that Brian was going to be my husband, He knew that later down the road Brian was going to separate himself, so I feel God wouldn't of lied if he knew the plan that he was going to take. This is about me and God and understanding what the future holds. I'm trying to just live each day as the best I can, serving Him and trying to listen to the next walk and path that He has for me.
Look for part 3
I felt like at that moment God put it on my heart and wanted me to visit a website. I went and wrote down some times for Sunday school and I went......by myself. I was excited, I was at peace and I even joked with some of the people up there. They were all ages, alot around my age and I even knew a girl in the class. I had a couple of men come up to me and they just swore up and down that we met before, but I know they just seen me around.
I actually went to the class the last day of their session. It ended up being something I needed to hear about evil in our lives. After we watched this short video, we broke up into 2 groups and we sat around and we could share a part of our lives where someone did us wrong and we were struggling to either learn to forgive, in the process of forgiving or have forgiven and praising that person in their happiness.
I wanted to share the story of my ex husband, but during the time, I listened to everyone talk. Some talked about their mother, their step father, their father, someone got attacked as a young age and still struggled to fully forgive. They were about to close and asked one last time if anyone wanted to share anything and I knew that was my moment.
I talked about me being married and how I had forgiven my ex husband. How he cheated on me and left me and how he could possibly be facing some health issues, that I have never disclosed on this blog as of yet. I shared how I felt like I needed to be there for him and wanted to be there for him since I have gone through some similar issues with my health. I wanted to be there because hes my friend, because I can relate and because I no longer hold any anguish towards him, but I have forgiven him whole heartldly and I care for him and his well being. I told the group, that even though I have gone through the process of forgiving my ex husband, I feel he hasnt fully forgivin himself, and so I told them, we never know when forgiving someone, what their walk is like or what they are struggling for what they have done.
One of the ladies who was upset over her situation, instantly started reading a scripture on our paper and I knew in my heart, someone or alot of them in the circle, in that moment needed to hear that disclousure. The whole time I sat there wanting to share my forgiveness towards my ex husband, it never dawned on me what that other person that we are trying to forgive, is going through. I think it makes us look at the whole situation a little different. How many times have you done something wrong, said something wrong and regreted it? Whether your pride didnt want to say sorry, but you still lived with it and felt bad, or you never got to see that person again, the truth is, we all have feelings and we all do things we regret in some way. I think when we are the person that gets the pain, the heartbreak, the abandonment or attack, we do take it personal, but we need to just hand it over to God, because God knows each and everyones heart and knows whether or not they are truly sorry or just dont care. I know its hard and sometimes later down the road the anger or hurt comes back and you feel that pain all over again, but its when we need to learn to just hand it back over to God.
When I started to write this, I really wasnt expecting it to be about what I learned in Sunday School or what happened in my circle. I have been really confused lately on what Gods plan and purpose is, since I sometimes feel like God dangled my future in front of me and now Im standing in what I feel in a field with no direction or not knowing where to take the next step. I mentioned before that I havent heard God and I honestly think thats whats best right now, because I am listening, but I need to deal with some things before I take the next step.
God has revealed some issues I need to work on before I can move forward. I mentioned in my blog back in March over some of the things God wanted me to work on, such as selfishness, insecurities and etc., but these things that I feel He has revealed to me the past few days, are much rooted to who I am. These are things that I dont even know where to begin to start changing or thinking differently, but only God and my wanting too change, is the only way this will work.
While I was mad at God, I really felt like I needed to feel mad. I felt like that was a real emotion, a real feeling, and I needed to feel that. I needed to get mad and get angry and still realize and want that my heart wants Gods will, even if I dont understand. I was raised to not be mad at God, but I feel that is wrong. I found an app on my phone, "Mad at God", and realized, Im not the only one. Job, Moses, and David in the Bible all got mad at God and yet loved Him and served Him. I needed my breaking point. I now feel as if Im on the right track to where Im supposed to be. Before, I was so close to God, but I was on Rachels time table and now I feel like Im on Gods time table. Its a struggle, because I keep having to hand it over to God, but I will keep doing that till, I finally get tired of it and realize it was never in my control in the first place.
The truth of the matter is, there is a reason why I am going through this. There is a reason why I feel like God showed me who my husband was going to be and took him away. It could be we both arnt ready and God is molding us into the man and woman we asked to be, maybe Hes getting us ready so we can be that wife and husband before we get married to have a successful marriage. It could be, we were in each others lives for a season to show us our faults. I don't know, but God does, but the only thing I struggle with, with God, is I know in my heart what God told me about Brian, it wasn't the enemy, it wasn't me thinking that, I know, 100%, no doubt, and I still have a wall up with God on trusting Him that it will come to pass, since now looks like the impossible. I know everyone has free will, but I believe that God is the all knowing God and He knows what tomorrow holds and what next week or year holds. He knows which path we are going to take whether it be the straight and narrow or the path to destruction. So in my heart I feel that when God told me that Brian was going to be my husband, He knew that later down the road Brian was going to separate himself, so I feel God wouldn't of lied if he knew the plan that he was going to take. This is about me and God and understanding what the future holds. I'm trying to just live each day as the best I can, serving Him and trying to listen to the next walk and path that He has for me.
Look for part 3
When things started to turn around... Part 1
[I wrote this a week or so ago, and they will be in sections as I write and walk away and come back and sit down and days past.........you will see God working in my life as it gets confusing.....]
I don't want to sit here and say that I'm perfect, because I'm not. Alot of people look at me as this strong Christian woman and at times, I feel the complete opposite of that. I cant say what possessed me or what happened, or if was just my human self.........but the worst happened, that ended me up in the ER.
I was in my lowest moment in a long time. I got mad at Brian, got mad at God, got mad at my whole life. I wanted to escape it, I wanted to rebel. I was with my friend at her favorite place in the world, the Ranger Ballpark. I always have a great time and we always make memories. This time was different. I was there to have fun and make memories, but my mind was so far off that the enemy got a hold of me and he hugged me tight. I was so bitter and mad at God, I didn't understand, here I was again I felt like in the same spot. I felt like God lied to me.
I might get sidetracked writing this because I have so much to say and I'm on my lunch break, in fact I have been waiting for 5 hours to write, its ready to pour out of me.
I was mad at God. I was mad because I felt like he lied to me. I went over and over everything that I felt last August and September. Brian walked into my life when I was 100% content with life and not needing anyone other than God to satisfy me. They always say when your not looking is when they walk in. The truth is, I didn't want to be with Brian, I didn't want to be with anyone and yet, God still kept him there. After a few weeks of getting to know each other and hanging out, Brian asked me to pray about us, for God to either open or close the door, because I'm sure he was tired of me just lolly gagging, because that's what I was doing. I agreed and the next morning, I woke up and said a simple prayer......"Lord, if anything was to come out of this, I pray that you either open or close the door". A few hours later, my friend texts me and tells me that God laid on her heart that this Brian guy was going to my future husband. I remember thinking how crazy is that, because she never met him or really heard me talk about him and I remember a tear going down my cheek.
A week or so later, God reminded me of a list I carried with me in my purse for almost 3 years that I wrote what I wanted my next husband to be and forgot it was there. I had added 3 more and those were I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam and Brian's name is Brian Allen, and I wanted to marry a Baptist and I wanted his parents to be Baptist and still married. Brian was everything but one thing off that list. Later that night, I met up with Brian and I handed him the list and walked away. He asked me where I was going and I just told him to read the list. He read it and smiled and later told me, that was the night God told him I was the one.....if I look back I can see where that was the night I knew he was the one, but I was still in denial and that's why I walked away.
Brian knew that my heart had a wall up to the moon from my past hurts. God slowly started tearing those walls down and I was quickly trying to build them back up. God was faster at tearing them down. I prayed for over a month to see if Brian was the one and the more I got to know him and go with him to church as he taught his class the more God told me and revealed to me that this was the man I was going to marry. In fact, I was so sure and at peace, that's why I started to plan a wedding so fast. Why I am saying all this, is because I have been asked if I really "heard God" in this. I'm also saying this, is because this is what I'm reminded of, when I look around and Brian isn't here. I don't understand. I got mad at God. I felt like He lied to me.......
I'm also reminded of my ex boyfriend Cass. I bring him in the mix of this because, the whole relationship was in sin. I was committing adultery with him and I fell in love with him during the process. I wanted so bad for Cass and I to be meant to be, that I ignored the Holy Spirit......the same spirit that told me that he was NOT the one, over and over and over again, that I told Cass everyday, because I felt convicted.
The same spirit, that told me that Brian IS the one, that the man I didn't even want to be with.......I listened, I listened and heard the Holy Spirit in both instances.
If I am hearing wrong, then I need to step back and reevaluate. I will admit that I sometimes hear wrong, sometimes its me, or the enemy. Sometimes things I say does not happen. This is something I KNOW I felt and 4 other people around me felt, going into prayer. Can we all hear wrong? Of course......but what are really the odds......???
So back to the Ranger game....I got really mad a day before that. I had to cut him and his family out of my life so I could focus on God, because I could then tell that I was going far backwards. At the game, we brought in a couple of drinks.....my friend didn't drink hers....so I did. I purposefully got drunk, which isn't like me. While the game ended and we were walking out, I was drunk, I couldn't see straight, I looked up and yelled, "EFF you God", (but the real word) "I don't need you". Its exactly how I felt, which by the way was the most scariest feeling ever!!!!
I couldn't shake it, I felt so ashamed with every inch of myself. I didn't understand. It wasn't about Brian, It was my relationship with God. Whether or not, Brian and I end up, had nothing to do with it. It had to do with what I feel or hear from God in the future, how am I going to know if I don't trust God?
God could of told me that a dog was going to be mine, so I go out and get it a dog house, food, clothes, chew bone, etc, and the dog runs away, I'm going to be confused. I'm going to be let down and doubtful and wondering why in the world, God told me that.
Now people say that God can change his mind if us humans don't do what we are supposed too. That's where I feel gets tricky, because God knows everything and He knows the choices we are going to make BEFORE we do them. I couldn't in my right mind, understand or feel like God would tell me that Brian is the one, KNOWING that Brian later down the road is going to change his mind and have no desire to ever be with me. I just don't feel that's how God works.
Now do I know if Brian and I are going to be together or not? I don't know, I don't know what the future holds, but this post isn't about that. Its really about my walk with the Lord and how I have been struggling. I just want people to know and understand that me personally, I have breaking points too.
I needed to share it all so you reading this, could get the whole picture of why I feel like God lied to me. I know scripture says, its impossible for God to lie and I do believe that, I just have been having a hard time understanding this situation.
I have gotten closer to the Lord the past 24 hours. I still feel weak in some areas, because I don't understand. I feel myself slipping and my old thoughts coming back and I have been fighting those off alot. My slipping and going backwards came so fast that I didn't even have a chance to grasp what was going on. This started Tuesday and here it is Saturday and I felt like that was a month or two of separation from God. After drinking so much, I ended up in the emergency room from throwing up for 5 hours. I slept all day Thursday......so how can God use me if that's what I'm doing???? This isn't me......These behaviours are not me at all. I'm very ashamed of myself, but at the same time, I felt like I needed to go through this, because today as I have studied in books and Gods word, I'm not ready!! I'm not ready to be in a relationship. It sucks to say it, because I'm 28 years old and I'm not ready, but that's the truth!!!
God has alot of work to do in my life and on me yet. For all I know it takes a month, for all I know it takes a year. I don't know and I'm not going to try and figure it out. I read in a book that I need to be in the waiting with God and myself. I need to wait on Him and work inward in my life, spiritually, so I can be that wife and mother that I know I am created to be. I know I will make one man a blessed man, because I will be able to see him as Christ sees him, with his flaws and everything else. I have looked deep down and there are a couple of things that I need to really work on, before I move forward.
Look for part 2
I don't want to sit here and say that I'm perfect, because I'm not. Alot of people look at me as this strong Christian woman and at times, I feel the complete opposite of that. I cant say what possessed me or what happened, or if was just my human self.........but the worst happened, that ended me up in the ER.
I was in my lowest moment in a long time. I got mad at Brian, got mad at God, got mad at my whole life. I wanted to escape it, I wanted to rebel. I was with my friend at her favorite place in the world, the Ranger Ballpark. I always have a great time and we always make memories. This time was different. I was there to have fun and make memories, but my mind was so far off that the enemy got a hold of me and he hugged me tight. I was so bitter and mad at God, I didn't understand, here I was again I felt like in the same spot. I felt like God lied to me.
I might get sidetracked writing this because I have so much to say and I'm on my lunch break, in fact I have been waiting for 5 hours to write, its ready to pour out of me.
I was mad at God. I was mad because I felt like he lied to me. I went over and over everything that I felt last August and September. Brian walked into my life when I was 100% content with life and not needing anyone other than God to satisfy me. They always say when your not looking is when they walk in. The truth is, I didn't want to be with Brian, I didn't want to be with anyone and yet, God still kept him there. After a few weeks of getting to know each other and hanging out, Brian asked me to pray about us, for God to either open or close the door, because I'm sure he was tired of me just lolly gagging, because that's what I was doing. I agreed and the next morning, I woke up and said a simple prayer......"Lord, if anything was to come out of this, I pray that you either open or close the door". A few hours later, my friend texts me and tells me that God laid on her heart that this Brian guy was going to my future husband. I remember thinking how crazy is that, because she never met him or really heard me talk about him and I remember a tear going down my cheek.
A week or so later, God reminded me of a list I carried with me in my purse for almost 3 years that I wrote what I wanted my next husband to be and forgot it was there. I had added 3 more and those were I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam and Brian's name is Brian Allen, and I wanted to marry a Baptist and I wanted his parents to be Baptist and still married. Brian was everything but one thing off that list. Later that night, I met up with Brian and I handed him the list and walked away. He asked me where I was going and I just told him to read the list. He read it and smiled and later told me, that was the night God told him I was the one.....if I look back I can see where that was the night I knew he was the one, but I was still in denial and that's why I walked away.
Brian knew that my heart had a wall up to the moon from my past hurts. God slowly started tearing those walls down and I was quickly trying to build them back up. God was faster at tearing them down. I prayed for over a month to see if Brian was the one and the more I got to know him and go with him to church as he taught his class the more God told me and revealed to me that this was the man I was going to marry. In fact, I was so sure and at peace, that's why I started to plan a wedding so fast. Why I am saying all this, is because I have been asked if I really "heard God" in this. I'm also saying this, is because this is what I'm reminded of, when I look around and Brian isn't here. I don't understand. I got mad at God. I felt like He lied to me.......
I'm also reminded of my ex boyfriend Cass. I bring him in the mix of this because, the whole relationship was in sin. I was committing adultery with him and I fell in love with him during the process. I wanted so bad for Cass and I to be meant to be, that I ignored the Holy Spirit......the same spirit that told me that he was NOT the one, over and over and over again, that I told Cass everyday, because I felt convicted.
The same spirit, that told me that Brian IS the one, that the man I didn't even want to be with.......I listened, I listened and heard the Holy Spirit in both instances.
If I am hearing wrong, then I need to step back and reevaluate. I will admit that I sometimes hear wrong, sometimes its me, or the enemy. Sometimes things I say does not happen. This is something I KNOW I felt and 4 other people around me felt, going into prayer. Can we all hear wrong? Of course......but what are really the odds......???
So back to the Ranger game....I got really mad a day before that. I had to cut him and his family out of my life so I could focus on God, because I could then tell that I was going far backwards. At the game, we brought in a couple of drinks.....my friend didn't drink hers....so I did. I purposefully got drunk, which isn't like me. While the game ended and we were walking out, I was drunk, I couldn't see straight, I looked up and yelled, "EFF you God", (but the real word) "I don't need you". Its exactly how I felt, which by the way was the most scariest feeling ever!!!!
I couldn't shake it, I felt so ashamed with every inch of myself. I didn't understand. It wasn't about Brian, It was my relationship with God. Whether or not, Brian and I end up, had nothing to do with it. It had to do with what I feel or hear from God in the future, how am I going to know if I don't trust God?
God could of told me that a dog was going to be mine, so I go out and get it a dog house, food, clothes, chew bone, etc, and the dog runs away, I'm going to be confused. I'm going to be let down and doubtful and wondering why in the world, God told me that.
Now people say that God can change his mind if us humans don't do what we are supposed too. That's where I feel gets tricky, because God knows everything and He knows the choices we are going to make BEFORE we do them. I couldn't in my right mind, understand or feel like God would tell me that Brian is the one, KNOWING that Brian later down the road is going to change his mind and have no desire to ever be with me. I just don't feel that's how God works.
Now do I know if Brian and I are going to be together or not? I don't know, I don't know what the future holds, but this post isn't about that. Its really about my walk with the Lord and how I have been struggling. I just want people to know and understand that me personally, I have breaking points too.
I needed to share it all so you reading this, could get the whole picture of why I feel like God lied to me. I know scripture says, its impossible for God to lie and I do believe that, I just have been having a hard time understanding this situation.
I have gotten closer to the Lord the past 24 hours. I still feel weak in some areas, because I don't understand. I feel myself slipping and my old thoughts coming back and I have been fighting those off alot. My slipping and going backwards came so fast that I didn't even have a chance to grasp what was going on. This started Tuesday and here it is Saturday and I felt like that was a month or two of separation from God. After drinking so much, I ended up in the emergency room from throwing up for 5 hours. I slept all day Thursday......so how can God use me if that's what I'm doing???? This isn't me......These behaviours are not me at all. I'm very ashamed of myself, but at the same time, I felt like I needed to go through this, because today as I have studied in books and Gods word, I'm not ready!! I'm not ready to be in a relationship. It sucks to say it, because I'm 28 years old and I'm not ready, but that's the truth!!!
God has alot of work to do in my life and on me yet. For all I know it takes a month, for all I know it takes a year. I don't know and I'm not going to try and figure it out. I read in a book that I need to be in the waiting with God and myself. I need to wait on Him and work inward in my life, spiritually, so I can be that wife and mother that I know I am created to be. I know I will make one man a blessed man, because I will be able to see him as Christ sees him, with his flaws and everything else. I have looked deep down and there are a couple of things that I need to really work on, before I move forward.
Look for part 2
Therapy
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]
I started to go to counseling to face some issues that I have with past trials and situations. The first time I went to therapy, I had a woman and we didn't click. I had no emotion talking to her and she gave me no good feed back. She was late the first time and the next time I was supposed to meet with her, I get a phone call to ask if I could change the time. I knew then on the phone, I needed to switch people and go with the original guy that was recommended to me in the first place.
I saw him and within 2 minutes of talking to him, I started to get teary-eyed. He noticed it and asked me what made my emotions get stirred up. I honestly didn't understand why I got so emotional. I thought that I had gotten over the situation with my mother, but I think its something that I will always carry, because each and every new chapter of my life, I wish she was here to help me and give me advice and just smile at me and tell me shes proud of me.
We talked about alot of my life's ups and downs, to my mother and then to my most recent with Brian. Of course the first session, was just a brief of what hes getting himself into. He told me that usually he allows 4 sessions before getting into the deep stuff, but then said, "I don't think its going to be that many." I told him I had issues and he said, we all do, we just need to work on coping with them. He gave me this amazing homework assignment that's going to take me months or years to do, but its for me and in turn will benefit me and my book. He also told me some awesome advice that I will carry with me. He told me a story and I just smiled, because its exactly what I was going to do with Brian, if we get another second chance of what some lady did to her husband.
I had a connection with this man. He calls people out, he tells you things to do to better yourself and I felt really comfortable talking to him. I think because I talk to so many women, we all have the same mentality for the most part, but I respect a mans opinion and I think its because they think different than we do.
All growing up, I have worked with women, had a mother, and of course have my girl friends. We all think men are weird and complicated and I know that men think the same about us. So when I can get into a conversation with a man, I feel as if my mind and thinking is opened up to a broader perspective.
I think this is exactly what I need and I feel as if God stirred me into this direction and have opened up doors that I never thought of. He is also a Christian and believes in God and gave me Godly advice. I'm working on a brand new me, so everybody watch out!!!!! I might just touch your life in some way with my story!!! :)
April 10, 2014
I went to therapy again today and my therapist read out of the Bible. You cant get a better therapist than that!!! I'm reading a book called "Becoming the woman God wants me to be" and its a 90 day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life. He wanted to break it down with each verse (21 of them) to determine what kind of woman I really need to be. After we went through each and every verse, breaking it down, looking up meanings he said, "Wow, your going to be a remarkable woman when you reach it". I told him that it was do-able with Gods help and he agreed.
When I prayed the prayer for God to mold me into the woman he wants me to be, God has been amazing at helping me achieve that goal. God has been opening up doors for me and guiding me through this life and I am honestly thankful for this time.
I started to go to counseling to face some issues that I have with past trials and situations. The first time I went to therapy, I had a woman and we didn't click. I had no emotion talking to her and she gave me no good feed back. She was late the first time and the next time I was supposed to meet with her, I get a phone call to ask if I could change the time. I knew then on the phone, I needed to switch people and go with the original guy that was recommended to me in the first place.
I saw him and within 2 minutes of talking to him, I started to get teary-eyed. He noticed it and asked me what made my emotions get stirred up. I honestly didn't understand why I got so emotional. I thought that I had gotten over the situation with my mother, but I think its something that I will always carry, because each and every new chapter of my life, I wish she was here to help me and give me advice and just smile at me and tell me shes proud of me.
We talked about alot of my life's ups and downs, to my mother and then to my most recent with Brian. Of course the first session, was just a brief of what hes getting himself into. He told me that usually he allows 4 sessions before getting into the deep stuff, but then said, "I don't think its going to be that many." I told him I had issues and he said, we all do, we just need to work on coping with them. He gave me this amazing homework assignment that's going to take me months or years to do, but its for me and in turn will benefit me and my book. He also told me some awesome advice that I will carry with me. He told me a story and I just smiled, because its exactly what I was going to do with Brian, if we get another second chance of what some lady did to her husband.
I had a connection with this man. He calls people out, he tells you things to do to better yourself and I felt really comfortable talking to him. I think because I talk to so many women, we all have the same mentality for the most part, but I respect a mans opinion and I think its because they think different than we do.
All growing up, I have worked with women, had a mother, and of course have my girl friends. We all think men are weird and complicated and I know that men think the same about us. So when I can get into a conversation with a man, I feel as if my mind and thinking is opened up to a broader perspective.
I think this is exactly what I need and I feel as if God stirred me into this direction and have opened up doors that I never thought of. He is also a Christian and believes in God and gave me Godly advice. I'm working on a brand new me, so everybody watch out!!!!! I might just touch your life in some way with my story!!! :)
April 10, 2014
I went to therapy again today and my therapist read out of the Bible. You cant get a better therapist than that!!! I'm reading a book called "Becoming the woman God wants me to be" and its a 90 day guide to living the Proverbs 31 life. He wanted to break it down with each verse (21 of them) to determine what kind of woman I really need to be. After we went through each and every verse, breaking it down, looking up meanings he said, "Wow, your going to be a remarkable woman when you reach it". I told him that it was do-able with Gods help and he agreed.
When I prayed the prayer for God to mold me into the woman he wants me to be, God has been amazing at helping me achieve that goal. God has been opening up doors for me and guiding me through this life and I am honestly thankful for this time.
Being Used
3-28-14
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]
I pray almost daily to be used. I was sitting down talking to my grandpa earlier on how I'm striving to please God in every areas of my life. I had 5 text messages, but never looked at them because I was talking to my grandpa. When I got done talking, I looked at my text messages and saw this:
Finding God gives me hope, when at times all hope was lost. We don't know God, until we seek Him. You have shown me things, that makes my pursuit of God that much greater. God made you beauty, and faith and to help when we don't understand. If we never talked again, I want you to take comfort in that when your down or sad that you at least changed my life for the good. Your one woman I will never forget for the rest of my life.
It was just reassurance that I am doing what God wants me to do and all I'm doing is sharing the knowledge that I know and praying for people. I feel at times that its not really doing anything, but I'm on fire!!! I'm fire for the Lord and I'm ready and willing to be used. Alot of time when I speak, I have nothing to say and then my mouth opens up and words come out and I know that's the Lord doing the work.
I needed to hear that today to know that even when sometimes I'm not doing anything or I'm just simply speaking something that I already know, it might just be what someone needs to hear. I want my readers who are reading this to see and understand that you just never know when you might be able to touch someone in some way, with just a prayer or a simple hello. I pray daily for people to see Jesus in me and I hope I can be that woman that God can use and so people can see Jesus. I don't want to be scared to speak or claim my Savior in front of anyone. My goal on this earth is to please God and I know I will fail Him daily, but just know that God is of mercy and grace!!
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]
I pray almost daily to be used. I was sitting down talking to my grandpa earlier on how I'm striving to please God in every areas of my life. I had 5 text messages, but never looked at them because I was talking to my grandpa. When I got done talking, I looked at my text messages and saw this:
Finding God gives me hope, when at times all hope was lost. We don't know God, until we seek Him. You have shown me things, that makes my pursuit of God that much greater. God made you beauty, and faith and to help when we don't understand. If we never talked again, I want you to take comfort in that when your down or sad that you at least changed my life for the good. Your one woman I will never forget for the rest of my life.
It was just reassurance that I am doing what God wants me to do and all I'm doing is sharing the knowledge that I know and praying for people. I feel at times that its not really doing anything, but I'm on fire!!! I'm fire for the Lord and I'm ready and willing to be used. Alot of time when I speak, I have nothing to say and then my mouth opens up and words come out and I know that's the Lord doing the work.
I needed to hear that today to know that even when sometimes I'm not doing anything or I'm just simply speaking something that I already know, it might just be what someone needs to hear. I want my readers who are reading this to see and understand that you just never know when you might be able to touch someone in some way, with just a prayer or a simple hello. I pray daily for people to see Jesus in me and I hope I can be that woman that God can use and so people can see Jesus. I don't want to be scared to speak or claim my Savior in front of anyone. My goal on this earth is to please God and I know I will fail Him daily, but just know that God is of mercy and grace!!
Maturity
3-23-14
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]
Today in church, the preacher talked about Maturity. He read out of James 1 and even though it was mostly about kids, it was about adults too. I know right now, this season of my life is to grow in Christ and find out who I am. Funny thing is, is I was sitting in church and realized after Mark left, I thought I found out who I was. I can say, I did find out who I am as an individual and now God is molding me spiritually. These things I'm working on are my inner spiritual self and also I'm working on my outward appearance. I don't know if its to make me more confident, but I always have felt that I will speak in front of people, either my testimony or over a certain subject.
I struggle. Its an everyday up and down and I know that over time, I will conquer it with Gods help. The enemy realizes what I'm doing and is always speaking those sweet nothings in my ear to try and put fear and doubt in my mind. I have started reading a book 'Battelfield of the Mind', by Joyce Meyers and one chapter talks about worry. I think I pretty much highlighted the whole chapter. It was me!!!! Joyce struggled with almost the same things as me. I have realized I'm addicted to worrying. Even when I have nothing to worry about, I will find something, non-intentional, its just its all I know, but its wrong. Scripture says to not worry about anything and to just trust God whole heartledly. Deep down, I don't want to worry, I want to enjoy this short life of mine and I KNOW that worrying wont fix ANYTHING! Most of the time I worry about things that never will even happen.
I realized the other day, that I'm used to being in the middle of a storm and when I'm not, I'm looking for the clouds to be brewing. Its sad.....God gives me a time of rest and peace and I need to soak it up and enjoy it! I pray everyday for God to show me what I need to know and teach me what I need to learn. He amazes me!!! This is my season to learn.
Something that makes me teary eyed with happy tears, is I feel that God is prepping me to share my testimony, Hes getting me ready to be used in a great deal. I feel as if I'm maturing from a child into an adult in my spiritual walk. Its just begun and I don't know how long its going to take, but I know I need to stay focused so I wont delay the process. I also realize that I never will be matured all the way, I know its something that I will work on till the day I leave this earth, but just the past month, God has laid on my heart to be the woman after His heart. I want to be molded and used, God has done so many wonderful things in my life. He has rescued me and held me in each storm. I want Gods will done in my life!
My mother
{I wrote this blog back in March......since Mothers Day is around the corner, I thought now would be the best time to share this.}
I knew that I had issues, but little did I know how deep they really are. It all goes back to my mother dieing. In therapy, I broke down crying within 2 minutes when mentioning my mom. Later he asked me where would I like to start, back to my mom or to my current situation. My natural thought was my mother. I didn't understand and I told him that. I don't think about my mom everyday and I don't mourn for her everyday, so I didn't understand why mentioning my mother, it brought me to tears and I was sad. Yes, I miss my mother, Yes, I wish she was still here, but shes not and Ive gone almost 13 years without her.
I know I could use her right now and I wish she could give me her advice. I wish she could of met Brian, because I knew she would of loved him and would of approved. Can possibly all my deep core issues all be because of my mother?
When I look back at what my mom went through and sitting in the floor at the Doctors office as my mom laughs about getting 5 inch needles in her stomach to drain fluid off, I knew she laughed because I can imagine the look on my face. For some reason I remember that day and they filled up 3 or 4 milk size gallons of just fluid. At 15, I didn't want to see my mom go through that and she tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but it was still hard. At that age, I knew it didn't feel good and I couldn't of even imagined.
I also remember the day I told my mom it was okay for her to die. I remember being so mad at God for not healing my mother and my mom didn't want me mad at God, so she told me that shes going to pray for me and asked me to pray about the situation. I prayed to God within the week and told Him, I didn't want to be mad, but please heal my mother. After a week or so, I remember pacing back and forth in my room and I felt like God laid it on my heart to tell my mother that. I knew it wasn't for me, but maybe comfort for my mom, because I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed too. I walked into the living room crying and my mom was sitting there watching TV. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that it was okay for her to die. She started to cry and I told her, I'm not mad at God anymore. She told me she saw a difference in me and we just sat there crying. I can remember so many times in the 2 years my mom was battling with cancer, that we would just cry together. I wanted my mom to be there when I graduated, I wanted her to be there at my wedding, I wanted her to be there when I have a baby. I need my mothers advice and I would of loved to see her as a grandma and her help me figure what I'm doing with a newborn and all the stages they are going to go through. I wont get to experience any of that. I sometimes feel like I'm alone in this world, but God has blessed me with so many women who have taken a motherly role in my life, but its not the same.
I get disappointed in people when they are so mean to their parents. I also get really jealous when they have them and I see a happy family. Its like the little I did have, I didn't get to keep. I do have my grandpa and hes an amazing man and I don't even want to think about the day that he leaves this earth, I hope the rapture comes!!!!
I don't want this blog to sound like "oh poor me", cause its not. Alot of people have their parents to back them up or to go to when they have a problem, or just want to sit down and talk. They have them on holidays and occasions and they are so blessed. My life is blessed too and I'm very grateful for what I do have, but I do miss that mother, daughter bonding.
Losing a parent at a young age, heck......any age is hard. With me, my mom didn't get to watch me get older, graduate, comfort me during cancer, see me go on my first date, walk me down the aisle, go through divorce, comfort me with the loss of my babies or even deal with my craziness everyday.
I wish my mother could see me now. I wish I could talk to her for just 30 minutes and get some advice or encouragement, or even just a "I'm proud of you and the woman you have became". I think people would be surprised at how much I try to do the right thing, because I still feel like I need to make my mother proud. My mom told me all the time that I was a good kid, a typical teenager, and her best friend. My mother was a mother before a friend, but she made it easy to talk too and she also had, "the look". I remember when I was 15, she gave me, "the look" and I laughed, I told her it didn't work anymore, that I was taller than her and I knew what she was trying to do. She laughed and said, "Well, then behave". My mom sacrificed so much for me. She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be confident, she supported me in my sports, she spoilt me rotten.
My mother was also a very Godly woman. She brought me up with morals and values that I still treasure to this day. My mother was a single parent, got pregnant out of wedlock, but it never stopped her to still teach me the right way, Gods way. She never put pressure on me to strive to be the best at everything. She wanted me to try but she knew I would fail at some things. She didn't care what I did when I grew up, as long as I was happy and it wasn't illegal or if it didn't hurt anyone. My mom never pushed college on me, but never opposed either. My mom was honestly the smartest woman I know. She was book smart, street smart and she had perfect credit. I remember my mom telling me months before she passed, "To get far in life, its not about the money, its about your credit, so strive to have good or great credit". Good advice mom!!!!! My mom walked out with a new car with nothing down, single mother, a car for her 15 year old, because of her credit!
I never had anyone come up to me and say something negative about my mother. My mother was very strong, God fearing and protective person. I realized that growing up watching my mom be this way, to protect her child, it actually kind of did me harm while I grew up.
Growing up I saw a woman who took care of herself, protected her family, was strong willed and I had to follow her rules. I didn't get to see partnership in a marriage and the small fights and struggles that happens between a man and a woman. I know in my first marriage, I took on a role that wasn't mine. I know my mom was just doing her best and trying to raise a child on her own as she supported me and she did a great job. Now that I'm adult, I can see how I didn't get to watch a successful marriage work, so I could have something to compare too.
Lately I have been asking and praying to God to mold me into the woman and wife he wants me to be. I'm starting to see and realize how a marriage really works and when God prepares me for that day, I know I will take my information and apply it to my relationship. I also have been asking alot of my friends who are married, the man and the woman, and when I hear struggle stories or they tell me what may happen behind close doors, just reminds me that we are human, but then they tell me what they are doing to overcome it, and its all about God and both people coming together to work on the situation.
I never asked my mom if she wanted to get married and if I did, I don't remember or her answer. I think my mom always knew that she was going to be single.
I do miss my mother and I know one day I will see her. We all have our struggles and I'm eager to see what my therapy says and what will get brought up concerning my mom.
I always write and then I stop and then I pick my writing back up on days that I have more to say. I wrote the above weeks ago and today is a different day. I have realized that I will never get over my mother 100%. Each chapter that opens up and I'm happy or sad, I would want my mother there so its a like different mourn for each chapter. When I get married I will mourn a little because shes not there. When I get pregnant, I will mourn, because shes not there. When I give birth, I will mourn because shes not there and so on. Sometimes I do pray for God to give me a dream with her in it, just saying something that I need to hear. It hasn't happened yet, but I know the time I need it the most, I hope God allows it to happen.
May 9, 2014
My mother was an amazing woman. She is the reason I am the person today, take it as a good thing or a bad thing. As Mother's Day approaches, I will be reminded of her and the fact that I'm a mother. It hurts me more than alot of people reading this will realize, my mother helping me to become a mother when its my time to have a little one. I know her purpose on this earth was done at the age of 42, but wish I had more time.
This time of the year isn't the best for me. I have babies in heaven, I have 3 little precious ones. God needed them more than I did, but I was so blessed to have them be a part of me. When someone asks you if you have kids or if your a mother, what do you say? I cant deny my babies, so I tell them, I have 3 in heaven. I know it makes it awkward, but I cant say no. When this day comes, I'm a mother, but no kids here, some people don't count that. I get overlooked.......some people close to me will recognize it, but the people that should, normally don't, and it hurts deep down. I held my baby, I saw my babies heartbeat, I saw the 2 pink lines 2 times. Adam William went to be with the Lord at 6 weeks, Mark Jr at 13 weeks and my Baby Love girl with my ectopic pregnancy. I know my mom is taking care of them in Heaven, playing with them, telling them all about their crazy, but loving mother. Sometimes when I think of Heaven, I think of my mom and my babies, before Jesus and them alone is the reason why sometimes when I'm on this earth feeling down and alone, I cant wait to get there. I know there is a purpose for all of this and I'm not going to give up, because I know I have alot of work still left on this planet. I just wish now it was a better time for me.
I do hope that every mother out there hugs their babies tight on Mothers Day and be blessed for what God has blessed you with and if your reading this, go hug your momma!!! If your like me that your mother went to go be with the Lord or maybe your mother wasnt in your life......I know theres a woman out there that has taken you in as a momma, go hug her and tell her shes a wonderful woman!!!
Happy Mothers Day!!!
I knew that I had issues, but little did I know how deep they really are. It all goes back to my mother dieing. In therapy, I broke down crying within 2 minutes when mentioning my mom. Later he asked me where would I like to start, back to my mom or to my current situation. My natural thought was my mother. I didn't understand and I told him that. I don't think about my mom everyday and I don't mourn for her everyday, so I didn't understand why mentioning my mother, it brought me to tears and I was sad. Yes, I miss my mother, Yes, I wish she was still here, but shes not and Ive gone almost 13 years without her.
I know I could use her right now and I wish she could give me her advice. I wish she could of met Brian, because I knew she would of loved him and would of approved. Can possibly all my deep core issues all be because of my mother?
When I look back at what my mom went through and sitting in the floor at the Doctors office as my mom laughs about getting 5 inch needles in her stomach to drain fluid off, I knew she laughed because I can imagine the look on my face. For some reason I remember that day and they filled up 3 or 4 milk size gallons of just fluid. At 15, I didn't want to see my mom go through that and she tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but it was still hard. At that age, I knew it didn't feel good and I couldn't of even imagined.
I also remember the day I told my mom it was okay for her to die. I remember being so mad at God for not healing my mother and my mom didn't want me mad at God, so she told me that shes going to pray for me and asked me to pray about the situation. I prayed to God within the week and told Him, I didn't want to be mad, but please heal my mother. After a week or so, I remember pacing back and forth in my room and I felt like God laid it on my heart to tell my mother that. I knew it wasn't for me, but maybe comfort for my mom, because I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed too. I walked into the living room crying and my mom was sitting there watching TV. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that it was okay for her to die. She started to cry and I told her, I'm not mad at God anymore. She told me she saw a difference in me and we just sat there crying. I can remember so many times in the 2 years my mom was battling with cancer, that we would just cry together. I wanted my mom to be there when I graduated, I wanted her to be there at my wedding, I wanted her to be there when I have a baby. I need my mothers advice and I would of loved to see her as a grandma and her help me figure what I'm doing with a newborn and all the stages they are going to go through. I wont get to experience any of that. I sometimes feel like I'm alone in this world, but God has blessed me with so many women who have taken a motherly role in my life, but its not the same.
I get disappointed in people when they are so mean to their parents. I also get really jealous when they have them and I see a happy family. Its like the little I did have, I didn't get to keep. I do have my grandpa and hes an amazing man and I don't even want to think about the day that he leaves this earth, I hope the rapture comes!!!!
I don't want this blog to sound like "oh poor me", cause its not. Alot of people have their parents to back them up or to go to when they have a problem, or just want to sit down and talk. They have them on holidays and occasions and they are so blessed. My life is blessed too and I'm very grateful for what I do have, but I do miss that mother, daughter bonding.
Losing a parent at a young age, heck......any age is hard. With me, my mom didn't get to watch me get older, graduate, comfort me during cancer, see me go on my first date, walk me down the aisle, go through divorce, comfort me with the loss of my babies or even deal with my craziness everyday.
I wish my mother could see me now. I wish I could talk to her for just 30 minutes and get some advice or encouragement, or even just a "I'm proud of you and the woman you have became". I think people would be surprised at how much I try to do the right thing, because I still feel like I need to make my mother proud. My mom told me all the time that I was a good kid, a typical teenager, and her best friend. My mother was a mother before a friend, but she made it easy to talk too and she also had, "the look". I remember when I was 15, she gave me, "the look" and I laughed, I told her it didn't work anymore, that I was taller than her and I knew what she was trying to do. She laughed and said, "Well, then behave". My mom sacrificed so much for me. She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be confident, she supported me in my sports, she spoilt me rotten.
My mother was also a very Godly woman. She brought me up with morals and values that I still treasure to this day. My mother was a single parent, got pregnant out of wedlock, but it never stopped her to still teach me the right way, Gods way. She never put pressure on me to strive to be the best at everything. She wanted me to try but she knew I would fail at some things. She didn't care what I did when I grew up, as long as I was happy and it wasn't illegal or if it didn't hurt anyone. My mom never pushed college on me, but never opposed either. My mom was honestly the smartest woman I know. She was book smart, street smart and she had perfect credit. I remember my mom telling me months before she passed, "To get far in life, its not about the money, its about your credit, so strive to have good or great credit". Good advice mom!!!!! My mom walked out with a new car with nothing down, single mother, a car for her 15 year old, because of her credit!
I never had anyone come up to me and say something negative about my mother. My mother was very strong, God fearing and protective person. I realized that growing up watching my mom be this way, to protect her child, it actually kind of did me harm while I grew up.
Growing up I saw a woman who took care of herself, protected her family, was strong willed and I had to follow her rules. I didn't get to see partnership in a marriage and the small fights and struggles that happens between a man and a woman. I know in my first marriage, I took on a role that wasn't mine. I know my mom was just doing her best and trying to raise a child on her own as she supported me and she did a great job. Now that I'm adult, I can see how I didn't get to watch a successful marriage work, so I could have something to compare too.
Lately I have been asking and praying to God to mold me into the woman and wife he wants me to be. I'm starting to see and realize how a marriage really works and when God prepares me for that day, I know I will take my information and apply it to my relationship. I also have been asking alot of my friends who are married, the man and the woman, and when I hear struggle stories or they tell me what may happen behind close doors, just reminds me that we are human, but then they tell me what they are doing to overcome it, and its all about God and both people coming together to work on the situation.
I never asked my mom if she wanted to get married and if I did, I don't remember or her answer. I think my mom always knew that she was going to be single.
I do miss my mother and I know one day I will see her. We all have our struggles and I'm eager to see what my therapy says and what will get brought up concerning my mom.
I always write and then I stop and then I pick my writing back up on days that I have more to say. I wrote the above weeks ago and today is a different day. I have realized that I will never get over my mother 100%. Each chapter that opens up and I'm happy or sad, I would want my mother there so its a like different mourn for each chapter. When I get married I will mourn a little because shes not there. When I get pregnant, I will mourn, because shes not there. When I give birth, I will mourn because shes not there and so on. Sometimes I do pray for God to give me a dream with her in it, just saying something that I need to hear. It hasn't happened yet, but I know the time I need it the most, I hope God allows it to happen.
My mother was an amazing woman. She is the reason I am the person today, take it as a good thing or a bad thing. As Mother's Day approaches, I will be reminded of her and the fact that I'm a mother. It hurts me more than alot of people reading this will realize, my mother helping me to become a mother when its my time to have a little one. I know her purpose on this earth was done at the age of 42, but wish I had more time.
This time of the year isn't the best for me. I have babies in heaven, I have 3 little precious ones. God needed them more than I did, but I was so blessed to have them be a part of me. When someone asks you if you have kids or if your a mother, what do you say? I cant deny my babies, so I tell them, I have 3 in heaven. I know it makes it awkward, but I cant say no. When this day comes, I'm a mother, but no kids here, some people don't count that. I get overlooked.......some people close to me will recognize it, but the people that should, normally don't, and it hurts deep down. I held my baby, I saw my babies heartbeat, I saw the 2 pink lines 2 times. Adam William went to be with the Lord at 6 weeks, Mark Jr at 13 weeks and my Baby Love girl with my ectopic pregnancy. I know my mom is taking care of them in Heaven, playing with them, telling them all about their crazy, but loving mother. Sometimes when I think of Heaven, I think of my mom and my babies, before Jesus and them alone is the reason why sometimes when I'm on this earth feeling down and alone, I cant wait to get there. I know there is a purpose for all of this and I'm not going to give up, because I know I have alot of work still left on this planet. I just wish now it was a better time for me.
I do hope that every mother out there hugs their babies tight on Mothers Day and be blessed for what God has blessed you with and if your reading this, go hug your momma!!! If your like me that your mother went to go be with the Lord or maybe your mother wasnt in your life......I know theres a woman out there that has taken you in as a momma, go hug her and tell her shes a wonderful woman!!!
Happy Mothers Day!!!
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