I remember when I was in counseling after my ex husband left, I was told that I put too much pressure on myself and the people around me.
As I'm getting older and I'm looking in the mirror, I see so many flaws than ever before. I'm seeing more grey hairs and I noticed my skin on my face isn't the most youngest and freshest. I look at my body and see stretch marks, scars and saggy skin from losing weight. Most of these things will always be a part of me unless I go under the knife. I do wonder as I'm getting older, if a man would even want this kind of body. I'm sure most men visualize themselves with a woman who is still "young and vibrant".
The more that each day goes by and I'm getting older, I'm accepting who I am and what I look like. I'm sure there are things I could of prevented years ago, with stretch marks and just taking care of my body more, but the truth of the matter is, I cant change time. When I look at a man, I don't want this buff, 8 pack of abs, tones, what the world would call sexy of a man. I think Ive always looked within the heart and maybe that's why if I look back at the 3 men that I ever dated, they are all good men. I don't find cockiness attractive, I actually stay away from those type of people, who you might call, "too confident". The people who Ive came across who are like that, have nothing to offer and can be shallow people, so I think sometimes, what are they hiding, why do they think so highly of themselves?
When I look in the mirror, I smile, just because I see myself growing, becoming the woman God wants me to be. Someone the other day, told me that I was beautiful, I smiled and said thank you. I told them, "I am, I'm made in the image of God and I'm worthy". This person knew that I never took a compliment, but I told them that, to show appreciation and to let them know I'm getting stronger with the person that God has transformed me into. I didn't want it to be some cocky statement, but I'm the worst at thinking something of someone and not letting them know. They might have a nice shirt or a dress or a good hair style or even just handsome or beautiful, but I'm the worst at taking my time to make someone smile and I'm not really sure why. Its not a pride thing or scared or anything, I just don't really think to take the time and initiate something like that.
I have to be honest, since this is my blog and I want to share with my struggles and blessings. When I was in relationships, I was very insecure. I didn't even want the man that I was with to even look in the direction of another woman. I thought of many things, I thought they might find them more attractive then myself, they might try and pursue them, they might try and compare me to them or wish they were with them. I don't know, but all those thoughts came to my mind and I know its because I have always been insecure with my body and appearance, and my ex husband leaving me didn't help. I really felt like this is what God has been laying on my heart lately. Ive been observant with women around me, at church or in stores. I wonder if I had a male by my side what would my thoughts be. Every time I start to think that my insecurity would flare up if they were there, I felt like God would touch my heart and tell me, the man who I will marry will love me and they might notice them, but its up to THEM to pursue with temptation, with either looking too hard or have his thoughts carry on further. I just felt like God was reminding me once again, that I have no control, which is true. I cant control anothers thoughts or feelings or even actions, and I think for so long Ive tried to, that it actually did more harm then good. I never did it in despite, but out of fear of being hurt, which always led to being hurt anyways. I feel like God has laid on my heart that all I can do for my spouse is to pray that when temptation comes his way, that he is strong enough to withstand it. In fact, I pray for that daily for my future spouse, because I know that whatever he is doing now, could affect us for when God brings us together.
Ive said this before, but this is a season of growth, a season my friend told me before it happened when God laid it on her heart. Sometimes when I get discouraged, I'm reminded of the woman that God is creating me to be. The works I can do for my Heavenly Father when I'm strong and confident in God and in myself. I know God is preparing me to be the wife and mother that He knows I can be, and I'm very honored and blessed to think God has used this time to mold me.
Beauty in flaws is a beautiful thing. I remember one time I told Brian that my scar on my stomach that's a ruler long from my kidney cancer surgery, was ugly and to not look at it. He said, "Its beautiful, because it shows that you are alive". How sweet was that. Now I look at my scars as a way of saving my life. I have 3 other small scars from my appendix and if I have another surgery, I will have yet another one. I'm going to look my body as a way of God saying, "I'm not done with you yet." I have scars on my heart with God sewing it up and reminding me of what He has done in my life and reminding me how He will use me.
No matter how many battle wounds you may have, whether it be physically, spiritual, emotional or even mental, you have a purpose and God is not done working on you yet. When you look at you physically or even at your heart of past hurts or even an open wound right now, just know that there is a reason and even though it may suck right now and you don't want to be in it, just imagine the growth and strength that you are getting from God and becoming to hopefully help in the future. Now you might say, "Well I would rather not be going through this and I could care less if I could help someone in the future, I just don't want to be feeling this right now", just know that God is there, wanting you to come to Him, to lean on Him and to trust that this season of your life is for a reason. As much as I am not enjoying this part of my life at times, I know its rewarding and I know its beneficial for me. As June is creeping up, I was reminded that I thought this year was going to be a good year, learning my future husband, planning a wedding, and yet I'm single, learning myself and that God wants me to lean on Him and trust Him and His planning. I don't know what the future holds, but that's when you need to hand over to God and just surrender and tell God, "I give this to you, I surrender, I don't know the plans you have for me, but I want what You want, I want Your plan and will done in my life, In Jesus Name, Amen". When you hand it all over to God, whether its cancer, loss of a loved one, financial, divorce, it could be just life is boring and you feel like there isn't a purpose", God will show you the purpose, the reason, the understanding, but don't expect it over night or even next week. It might be a month or a year when looking back, but don't forget to thank Him now, and even later down the road. Our God is a loving God and His mercy is everlasting!!!
God Bless
Just remember, you are beautiful, because God created you, you are worthy and you are valuable. God wouldn't have you here on this earth if He didn't have a reason or a purpose for you life, but just never forget that our God is a jealous God and He wants our attention and for us to give Him our struggles and worries. Smile and remember that someone out there has it a little bit worse, you are blessed! :)
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