My waiting room, My luggage

I mentioned before the book I was reading called, "Your late again, Lord".  It talks about us in a waiting room at times in our lives.  I can look back at my life and see myself in lots of waiting rooms.  Some I didn't want to be in and screamed and shouted, trying to claw myself out of that room.  Ive sat in some, having total trust and faith in God and waited semi patiently.  Ive set in my waiting room before not understanding, complaining and wanting to be out of it so much, because it sucked!

Now that I understand and can look at God sitting me down in a waiting room and that I can have a visual way of God working in my life, it makes it much easier.  I don't know what the future holds, but back in February, most of you reading this know that I was in a relationship.  I was in a relationship with a man that I asked for.  I wrote him on a list a couple of years ago and God handed him to me on a silver platter.  This man had to work a little bit and pray and the day that I prayed about us, God started to change my heart.  God worked inside out to be in this relationship.  People tell me today, that maybe God brought him into my life just for a short time, and they could be right, I don't know for sure.  I do know that God told me that this man was going to be my husband, He embedded it into my heart and God changed my heart to feel this way towards him.  So why arnt we together?

Its been since March that we have been together and  before we broke up, we were trying to get close to God and to understand each other, because we have different personalities.  We didn't understand why we are so different and why God would bring two people that didn't understand each other together.  We had been praying and I know me personally, I was praying for God to mold me into the woman He wanted me to be, so I could satisfy Brian.  Now, before I get into detail, I don't know 100% if Brian and I will ever see each other again or ever be in a relationship and to be honest, I don't worry about it, because I'm not in control and people have free will.  I do know, that God had to remove Brian out my life so God could work in me.

This is how I visualized myself.  I visualized myself carrying 2 big bags of luggage in my relationship.  It was filled with past relationships, hurt, fear, insecurity, doubt, selfishness and so much more.  It weighed me down, it weighed our relationship down.  I prayed for God to mold me and God knew that the best way, would be for me to be on my own, with God and me in a waiting room, while He talks to me and while I do His work.  I don't know how long I will be in this waiting room.  I don't know how long I will be single, but the amazing thing about my waiting room right now is I trust God!!!  I trust Him that He is doing something great for me, even though I don't understand.  I don't want to learn the hard way and I don't want to be in this room forever, so I'm obeying and doing everything God wants me to do and I'm trying to enjoy this time in my life.  This could be my last time single, before married with children, so why not go out and do Gods work single, before I will have a mate.  I know when its time, that I will have a Godly husband who loves to do Gods work and will hopefully help and encourage my ministry that I feel God has put before me.  Its exciting to know and feel at peace with knowing that God wouldn't give me a husband who didn't want to do ministry work.

So where do I stand right now?  God finally revealed the biggest problem I had throughout every relationship.  I can see how the first week with Brian and mines separation, He revealed to me all the small, but yet important things I needed to work on.  I went straight to work on all those and right when God knew I was ready, He told me.  He told me that I depend on man too much!  I put so much expectations on them that only God can fulfill and of course they are going to fail me.  All 3 guys I ever was in a relationship with all told me the same thing, "No matter what I do, its never good enough".  I always expected them to be perfect, to not lust, to dress and look this certain way.  Isn't that sad?  God is so good to me, that He has allowed me to have some time in my waiting room, to show me where I failed God and even failed the men in my life.  I know that if God never revealed this to me, it would of never of stopped and it wouldn't of stopped just at my future husband.  I know it would of carried on to my kids and what a horrible way that would be, always trying to make momma happy and not making any mistakes.  I was never raised that way, so I don't know where it came about in my life, but the fact that I'm working on it and accepting people as they are, is actually a very beautiful thing.

I'm standing here, one free hand, but still a hand holding a bag of luggage.  My luggage is actually unzipped, with stuff spilling out.  I love it, because Gods not done working on me, but its slowly being emptied.  Now that I know whats in my luggage, I'm working on throwing it away, piece by piece.