Being away from God for 4 days, mad and angry and cursing Him has what I feel like has taken me some time to get back on track with Him. I feel God around me, I feel Him here, but I havent heard Him. In fact, the other day at work, I knew it was time for me to go out and do something. I didnt know if it was to visit another church, go to Sunday school or a month ago, my grandpas church told me that I would be good at teaching the children. I didnt really pray about it, but I started to pray that night.
I felt like at that moment God put it on my heart and wanted me to visit a website. I went and wrote down some times for Sunday school and I went......by myself. I was excited, I was at peace and I even joked with some of the people up there. They were all ages, alot around my age and I even knew a girl in the class. I had a couple of men come up to me and they just swore up and down that we met before, but I know they just seen me around.
I actually went to the class the last day of their session. It ended up being something I needed to hear about evil in our lives. After we watched this short video, we broke up into 2 groups and we sat around and we could share a part of our lives where someone did us wrong and we were struggling to either learn to forgive, in the process of forgiving or have forgiven and praising that person in their happiness.
I wanted to share the story of my ex husband, but during the time, I listened to everyone talk. Some talked about their mother, their step father, their father, someone got attacked as a young age and still struggled to fully forgive. They were about to close and asked one last time if anyone wanted to share anything and I knew that was my moment.
I talked about me being married and how I had forgiven my ex husband. How he cheated on me and left me and how he could possibly be facing some health issues, that I have never disclosed on this blog as of yet. I shared how I felt like I needed to be there for him and wanted to be there for him since I have gone through some similar issues with my health. I wanted to be there because hes my friend, because I can relate and because I no longer hold any anguish towards him, but I have forgiven him whole heartldly and I care for him and his well being. I told the group, that even though I have gone through the process of forgiving my ex husband, I feel he hasnt fully forgivin himself, and so I told them, we never know when forgiving someone, what their walk is like or what they are struggling for what they have done.
One of the ladies who was upset over her situation, instantly started reading a scripture on our paper and I knew in my heart, someone or alot of them in the circle, in that moment needed to hear that disclousure. The whole time I sat there wanting to share my forgiveness towards my ex husband, it never dawned on me what that other person that we are trying to forgive, is going through. I think it makes us look at the whole situation a little different. How many times have you done something wrong, said something wrong and regreted it? Whether your pride didnt want to say sorry, but you still lived with it and felt bad, or you never got to see that person again, the truth is, we all have feelings and we all do things we regret in some way. I think when we are the person that gets the pain, the heartbreak, the abandonment or attack, we do take it personal, but we need to just hand it over to God, because God knows each and everyones heart and knows whether or not they are truly sorry or just dont care. I know its hard and sometimes later down the road the anger or hurt comes back and you feel that pain all over again, but its when we need to learn to just hand it back over to God.
When I started to write this, I really wasnt expecting it to be about what I learned in Sunday School or what happened in my circle. I have been really confused lately on what Gods plan and purpose is, since I sometimes feel like God dangled my future in front of me and now Im standing in what I feel in a field with no direction or not knowing where to take the next step. I mentioned before that I havent heard God and I honestly think thats whats best right now, because I am listening, but I need to deal with some things before I take the next step.
God has revealed some issues I need to work on before I can move forward. I mentioned in my blog back in March over some of the things God wanted me to work on, such as selfishness, insecurities and etc., but these things that I feel He has revealed to me the past few days, are much rooted to who I am. These are things that I dont even know where to begin to start changing or thinking differently, but only God and my wanting too change, is the only way this will work.
While I was mad at God, I really felt like I needed to feel mad. I felt like that was a real emotion, a real feeling, and I needed to feel that. I needed to get mad and get angry and still realize and want that my heart wants Gods will, even if I dont understand. I was raised to not be mad at God, but I feel that is wrong. I found an app on my phone, "Mad at God", and realized, Im not the only one. Job, Moses, and David in the Bible all got mad at God and yet loved Him and served Him. I needed my breaking point. I now feel as if Im on the right track to where Im supposed to be. Before, I was so close to God, but I was on Rachels time table and now I feel like Im on Gods time table. Its a struggle, because I keep having to hand it over to God, but I will keep doing that till, I finally get tired of it and realize it was never in my control in the first place.
The truth of the matter is, there is a reason why I am going through this. There is a reason why I feel like God showed me who my husband was going to be and took him away. It could be we both arnt ready and God is molding us into the man and woman we asked to be, maybe Hes getting us ready so we can be that wife and husband before we get married to have a successful marriage. It could be, we were in each others lives for a season to show us our faults. I don't know, but God does, but the only thing I struggle with, with God, is I know in my heart what God told me about Brian, it wasn't the enemy, it wasn't me thinking that, I know, 100%, no doubt, and I still have a wall up with God on trusting Him that it will come to pass, since now looks like the impossible. I know everyone has free will, but I believe that God is the all knowing God and He knows what tomorrow holds and what next week or year holds. He knows which path we are going to take whether it be the straight and narrow or the path to destruction. So in my heart I feel that when God told me that Brian was going to be my husband, He knew that later down the road Brian was going to separate himself, so I feel God wouldn't of lied if he knew the plan that he was going to take. This is about me and God and understanding what the future holds. I'm trying to just live each day as the best I can, serving Him and trying to listen to the next walk and path that He has for me.
Look for part 3
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