Maturity

 3-23-14
[I wrote this, but never published it.....like a diary, but felt like sharing at this point in my life.]

Today in church, the preacher talked about Maturity.  He read out of James 1 and even though it was mostly about kids, it was about adults too.    I know right now, this season of my life is to grow in Christ and find out who I am.  Funny thing is, is I was sitting in church and realized after Mark left, I thought I found out who I was.  I can say, I did find out who I am as an individual and now God is molding me spiritually.  These things I'm working on are my inner spiritual self and also I'm working on my outward appearance.  I don't know if its to make me more confident, but I always have felt that I will speak in front of people, either my testimony or over a certain subject.

I struggle.  Its an everyday up and down and I know that over time, I will conquer it with Gods help.  The enemy realizes what I'm doing and is always speaking those sweet nothings in my ear to try and put fear and doubt in my mind.  I have started reading a book 'Battelfield of the Mind', by Joyce Meyers and one chapter talks about worry.  I think I pretty much highlighted the whole chapter.  It was me!!!!  Joyce struggled with almost the same things as me.  I have realized I'm addicted to worrying.  Even when I have nothing to worry about, I will find something, non-intentional, its just its all I know, but its wrong.  Scripture says to not worry about anything and to just trust God whole heartledly.  Deep down, I don't want to worry, I want to enjoy this short life of mine and I KNOW that worrying wont fix ANYTHING!  Most of the time I worry about things that never will even happen.

I realized the other day, that I'm used to being in the middle of a storm and when I'm not, I'm looking for the clouds to be brewing.  Its sad.....God gives me a time of rest and peace and I need to soak it up and enjoy it! I pray everyday for God to show me what I need to know and teach me what I need to learn.  He amazes me!!!  This is my season to learn.

Something that makes me teary eyed with happy tears, is I feel that God is prepping me to share my testimony, Hes getting me ready to be used in a great deal.  I feel as if I'm maturing from a child into an adult in my spiritual walk.  Its just begun and I don't know how long its going to take, but I know I need to stay focused so I wont delay the process.  I also realize that I never will be matured all the way, I know its something that I will work on till the day I leave this earth, but just the past month, God has laid on my heart to be the woman after His heart.  I want to be molded and used, God has done so many wonderful things in my life.  He has rescued me and held me in each storm.  I want Gods will done in my life!