[I wrote this a week or so ago, and they will be in sections as I write and walk away and come back and sit down and days past.........you will see God working in my life as it gets confusing.....]
I don't want to sit here and say that I'm perfect, because I'm not. Alot of people look at me as this strong Christian woman and at times, I feel the complete opposite of that. I cant say what possessed me or what happened, or if was just my human self.........but the worst happened, that ended me up in the ER.
I was in my lowest moment in a long time. I got mad at Brian, got mad at God, got mad at my whole life. I wanted to escape it, I wanted to rebel. I was with my friend at her favorite place in the world, the Ranger Ballpark. I always have a great time and we always make memories. This time was different. I was there to have fun and make memories, but my mind was so far off that the enemy got a hold of me and he hugged me tight. I was so bitter and mad at God, I didn't understand, here I was again I felt like in the same spot. I felt like God lied to me.
I might get sidetracked writing this because I have so much to say and I'm on my lunch break, in fact I have been waiting for 5 hours to write, its ready to pour out of me.
I was mad at God. I was mad because I felt like he lied to me. I went over and over everything that I felt last August and September. Brian walked into my life when I was 100% content with life and not needing anyone other than God to satisfy me. They always say when your not looking is when they walk in. The truth is, I didn't want to be with Brian, I didn't want to be with anyone and yet, God still kept him there. After a few weeks of getting to know each other and hanging out, Brian asked me to pray about us, for God to either open or close the door, because I'm sure he was tired of me just lolly gagging, because that's what I was doing. I agreed and the next morning, I woke up and said a simple prayer......"Lord, if anything was to come out of this, I pray that you either open or close the door". A few hours later, my friend texts me and tells me that God laid on her heart that this Brian guy was going to my future husband. I remember thinking how crazy is that, because she never met him or really heard me talk about him and I remember a tear going down my cheek.
A week or so later, God reminded me of a list I carried with me in my purse for almost 3 years that I wrote what I wanted my next husband to be and forgot it was there. I had added 3 more and those were I wanted to marry a guy named Brian Adam and Brian's name is Brian Allen, and I wanted to marry a Baptist and I wanted his parents to be Baptist and still married. Brian was everything but one thing off that list. Later that night, I met up with Brian and I handed him the list and walked away. He asked me where I was going and I just told him to read the list. He read it and smiled and later told me, that was the night God told him I was the one.....if I look back I can see where that was the night I knew he was the one, but I was still in denial and that's why I walked away.
Brian knew that my heart had a wall up to the moon from my past hurts. God slowly started tearing those walls down and I was quickly trying to build them back up. God was faster at tearing them down. I prayed for over a month to see if Brian was the one and the more I got to know him and go with him to church as he taught his class the more God told me and revealed to me that this was the man I was going to marry. In fact, I was so sure and at peace, that's why I started to plan a wedding so fast. Why I am saying all this, is because I have been asked if I really "heard God" in this. I'm also saying this, is because this is what I'm reminded of, when I look around and Brian isn't here. I don't understand. I got mad at God. I felt like He lied to me.......
I'm also reminded of my ex boyfriend Cass. I bring him in the mix of this because, the whole relationship was in sin. I was committing adultery with him and I fell in love with him during the process. I wanted so bad for Cass and I to be meant to be, that I ignored the Holy Spirit......the same spirit that told me that he was NOT the one, over and over and over again, that I told Cass everyday, because I felt convicted.
The same spirit, that told me that Brian IS the one, that the man I didn't even want to be with.......I listened, I listened and heard the Holy Spirit in both instances.
If I am hearing wrong, then I need to step back and reevaluate. I will admit that I sometimes hear wrong, sometimes its me, or the enemy. Sometimes things I say does not happen. This is something I KNOW I felt and 4 other people around me felt, going into prayer. Can we all hear wrong? Of course......but what are really the odds......???
So back to the Ranger game....I got really mad a day before that. I had to cut him and his family out of my life so I could focus on God, because I could then tell that I was going far backwards. At the game, we brought in a couple of drinks.....my friend didn't drink hers....so I did. I purposefully got drunk, which isn't like me. While the game ended and we were walking out, I was drunk, I couldn't see straight, I looked up and yelled, "EFF you God", (but the real word) "I don't need you". Its exactly how I felt, which by the way was the most scariest feeling ever!!!!
I couldn't shake it, I felt so ashamed with every inch of myself. I didn't understand. It wasn't about Brian, It was my relationship with God. Whether or not, Brian and I end up, had nothing to do with it. It had to do with what I feel or hear from God in the future, how am I going to know if I don't trust God?
God could of told me that a dog was going to be mine, so I go out and get it a dog house, food, clothes, chew bone, etc, and the dog runs away, I'm going to be confused. I'm going to be let down and doubtful and wondering why in the world, God told me that.
Now people say that God can change his mind if us humans don't do what we are supposed too. That's where I feel gets tricky, because God knows everything and He knows the choices we are going to make BEFORE we do them. I couldn't in my right mind, understand or feel like God would tell me that Brian is the one, KNOWING that Brian later down the road is going to change his mind and have no desire to ever be with me. I just don't feel that's how God works.
Now do I know if Brian and I are going to be together or not? I don't know, I don't know what the future holds, but this post isn't about that. Its really about my walk with the Lord and how I have been struggling. I just want people to know and understand that me personally, I have breaking points too.
I needed to share it all so you reading this, could get the whole picture of why I feel like God lied to me. I know scripture says, its impossible for God to lie and I do believe that, I just have been having a hard time understanding this situation.
I have gotten closer to the Lord the past 24 hours. I still feel weak in some areas, because I don't understand. I feel myself slipping and my old thoughts coming back and I have been fighting those off alot. My slipping and going backwards came so fast that I didn't even have a chance to grasp what was going on. This started Tuesday and here it is Saturday and I felt like that was a month or two of separation from God. After drinking so much, I ended up in the emergency room from throwing up for 5 hours. I slept all day Thursday......so how can God use me if that's what I'm doing???? This isn't me......These behaviours are not me at all. I'm very ashamed of myself, but at the same time, I felt like I needed to go through this, because today as I have studied in books and Gods word, I'm not ready!! I'm not ready to be in a relationship. It sucks to say it, because I'm 28 years old and I'm not ready, but that's the truth!!!
God has alot of work to do in my life and on me yet. For all I know it takes a month, for all I know it takes a year. I don't know and I'm not going to try and figure it out. I read in a book that I need to be in the waiting with God and myself. I need to wait on Him and work inward in my life, spiritually, so I can be that wife and mother that I know I am created to be. I know I will make one man a blessed man, because I will be able to see him as Christ sees him, with his flaws and everything else. I have looked deep down and there are a couple of things that I need to really work on, before I move forward.
Look for part 2
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