I knew that I had issues, but little did I know how deep they really are. It all goes back to my mother dieing. In therapy, I broke down crying within 2 minutes when mentioning my mom. Later he asked me where would I like to start, back to my mom or to my current situation. My natural thought was my mother. I didn't understand and I told him that. I don't think about my mom everyday and I don't mourn for her everyday, so I didn't understand why mentioning my mother, it brought me to tears and I was sad. Yes, I miss my mother, Yes, I wish she was still here, but shes not and Ive gone almost 13 years without her.
I know I could use her right now and I wish she could give me her advice. I wish she could of met Brian, because I knew she would of loved him and would of approved. Can possibly all my deep core issues all be because of my mother?
When I look back at what my mom went through and sitting in the floor at the Doctors office as my mom laughs about getting 5 inch needles in her stomach to drain fluid off, I knew she laughed because I can imagine the look on my face. For some reason I remember that day and they filled up 3 or 4 milk size gallons of just fluid. At 15, I didn't want to see my mom go through that and she tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but it was still hard. At that age, I knew it didn't feel good and I couldn't of even imagined.
I also remember the day I told my mom it was okay for her to die. I remember being so mad at God for not healing my mother and my mom didn't want me mad at God, so she told me that shes going to pray for me and asked me to pray about the situation. I prayed to God within the week and told Him, I didn't want to be mad, but please heal my mother. After a week or so, I remember pacing back and forth in my room and I felt like God laid it on my heart to tell my mother that. I knew it wasn't for me, but maybe comfort for my mom, because I didn't want to do it, but I knew I needed too. I walked into the living room crying and my mom was sitting there watching TV. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that it was okay for her to die. She started to cry and I told her, I'm not mad at God anymore. She told me she saw a difference in me and we just sat there crying. I can remember so many times in the 2 years my mom was battling with cancer, that we would just cry together. I wanted my mom to be there when I graduated, I wanted her to be there at my wedding, I wanted her to be there when I have a baby. I need my mothers advice and I would of loved to see her as a grandma and her help me figure what I'm doing with a newborn and all the stages they are going to go through. I wont get to experience any of that. I sometimes feel like I'm alone in this world, but God has blessed me with so many women who have taken a motherly role in my life, but its not the same.
I get disappointed in people when they are so mean to their parents. I also get really jealous when they have them and I see a happy family. Its like the little I did have, I didn't get to keep. I do have my grandpa and hes an amazing man and I don't even want to think about the day that he leaves this earth, I hope the rapture comes!!!!
I don't want this blog to sound like "oh poor me", cause its not. Alot of people have their parents to back them up or to go to when they have a problem, or just want to sit down and talk. They have them on holidays and occasions and they are so blessed. My life is blessed too and I'm very grateful for what I do have, but I do miss that mother, daughter bonding.
Losing a parent at a young age, heck......any age is hard. With me, my mom didn't get to watch me get older, graduate, comfort me during cancer, see me go on my first date, walk me down the aisle, go through divorce, comfort me with the loss of my babies or even deal with my craziness everyday.
I wish my mother could see me now. I wish I could talk to her for just 30 minutes and get some advice or encouragement, or even just a "I'm proud of you and the woman you have became". I think people would be surprised at how much I try to do the right thing, because I still feel like I need to make my mother proud. My mom told me all the time that I was a good kid, a typical teenager, and her best friend. My mother was a mother before a friend, but she made it easy to talk too and she also had, "the look". I remember when I was 15, she gave me, "the look" and I laughed, I told her it didn't work anymore, that I was taller than her and I knew what she was trying to do. She laughed and said, "Well, then behave". My mom sacrificed so much for me. She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be confident, she supported me in my sports, she spoilt me rotten.
My mother was also a very Godly woman. She brought me up with morals and values that I still treasure to this day. My mother was a single parent, got pregnant out of wedlock, but it never stopped her to still teach me the right way, Gods way. She never put pressure on me to strive to be the best at everything. She wanted me to try but she knew I would fail at some things. She didn't care what I did when I grew up, as long as I was happy and it wasn't illegal or if it didn't hurt anyone. My mom never pushed college on me, but never opposed either. My mom was honestly the smartest woman I know. She was book smart, street smart and she had perfect credit. I remember my mom telling me months before she passed, "To get far in life, its not about the money, its about your credit, so strive to have good or great credit". Good advice mom!!!!! My mom walked out with a new car with nothing down, single mother, a car for her 15 year old, because of her credit!
I never had anyone come up to me and say something negative about my mother. My mother was very strong, God fearing and protective person. I realized that growing up watching my mom be this way, to protect her child, it actually kind of did me harm while I grew up.
Growing up I saw a woman who took care of herself, protected her family, was strong willed and I had to follow her rules. I didn't get to see partnership in a marriage and the small fights and struggles that happens between a man and a woman. I know in my first marriage, I took on a role that wasn't mine. I know my mom was just doing her best and trying to raise a child on her own as she supported me and she did a great job. Now that I'm adult, I can see how I didn't get to watch a successful marriage work, so I could have something to compare too.
Lately I have been asking and praying to God to mold me into the woman and wife he wants me to be. I'm starting to see and realize how a marriage really works and when God prepares me for that day, I know I will take my information and apply it to my relationship. I also have been asking alot of my friends who are married, the man and the woman, and when I hear struggle stories or they tell me what may happen behind close doors, just reminds me that we are human, but then they tell me what they are doing to overcome it, and its all about God and both people coming together to work on the situation.
I never asked my mom if she wanted to get married and if I did, I don't remember or her answer. I think my mom always knew that she was going to be single.
I do miss my mother and I know one day I will see her. We all have our struggles and I'm eager to see what my therapy says and what will get brought up concerning my mom.
I always write and then I stop and then I pick my writing back up on days that I have more to say. I wrote the above weeks ago and today is a different day. I have realized that I will never get over my mother 100%. Each chapter that opens up and I'm happy or sad, I would want my mother there so its a like different mourn for each chapter. When I get married I will mourn a little because shes not there. When I get pregnant, I will mourn, because shes not there. When I give birth, I will mourn because shes not there and so on. Sometimes I do pray for God to give me a dream with her in it, just saying something that I need to hear. It hasn't happened yet, but I know the time I need it the most, I hope God allows it to happen.
My mother was an amazing woman. She is the reason I am the person today, take it as a good thing or a bad thing. As Mother's Day approaches, I will be reminded of her and the fact that I'm a mother. It hurts me more than alot of people reading this will realize, my mother helping me to become a mother when its my time to have a little one. I know her purpose on this earth was done at the age of 42, but wish I had more time.
This time of the year isn't the best for me. I have babies in heaven, I have 3 little precious ones. God needed them more than I did, but I was so blessed to have them be a part of me. When someone asks you if you have kids or if your a mother, what do you say? I cant deny my babies, so I tell them, I have 3 in heaven. I know it makes it awkward, but I cant say no. When this day comes, I'm a mother, but no kids here, some people don't count that. I get overlooked.......some people close to me will recognize it, but the people that should, normally don't, and it hurts deep down. I held my baby, I saw my babies heartbeat, I saw the 2 pink lines 2 times. Adam William went to be with the Lord at 6 weeks, Mark Jr at 13 weeks and my Baby Love girl with my ectopic pregnancy. I know my mom is taking care of them in Heaven, playing with them, telling them all about their crazy, but loving mother. Sometimes when I think of Heaven, I think of my mom and my babies, before Jesus and them alone is the reason why sometimes when I'm on this earth feeling down and alone, I cant wait to get there. I know there is a purpose for all of this and I'm not going to give up, because I know I have alot of work still left on this planet. I just wish now it was a better time for me.
I do hope that every mother out there hugs their babies tight on Mothers Day and be blessed for what God has blessed you with and if your reading this, go hug your momma!!! If your like me that your mother went to go be with the Lord or maybe your mother wasnt in your life......I know theres a woman out there that has taken you in as a momma, go hug her and tell her shes a wonderful woman!!!
Happy Mothers Day!!!
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