Diary: Day 3

I'm definitely going through the emotions right now.  I feel super depressed and sort of numb.  I think I have worn myself out from over thinking every possible outcome.  I feel unlovable and worthless.  I'm reminded that this isn't the first guy to walk away and not look back, so there must be something wrong with me.  Am I too fat?  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I too pale?  Am I that mean?  Do I not offer anything to anyone?  Do I just annoy the crap out of someone so much that they build a wall so high and that their done?  I could be all of those and more.....I don't know.  I don't want to sound like this is a pitty party and that's why I'm saying all these things.  This is  definitely a depressing day.  I feel like I'm never given the opportunity to have a wake up call and change my ways and show people that Yes, God can change me and make me realize my faults.  Maybe I don't deserve a second chance.

I have to ask myself, who am I?  I honestly thought I knew who I was before meeting Brian.  I was content, strong, loving the Lord and happy with where life was.  When Brian walked in, I didn't want it to change, but God tore down those walls.  I allowed God to tear down my walls even though I was slowly building it back up because of fear.  The fear that I was opening myself up to a possible heartbreak.  I sit here now and wonder, who am I?   I'm a failure.  My insecurities have me so messed up, that I cant believe someone that I would be good enough for them or worthy of their time for the rest of their lives.  When I look at myself I wish I saw someone beautiful, I wish I could look at myself as God looks at me.  I have to say my spiritual walk is very strong and I'm very secure in that area.  Right now though, I feel it very weak.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to give God all my problems, and its an ongoing thing.  At times I feel hopeless to this situation and sometimes I feel positive that its all going to work out.

I don't know what God is wanting me to feel at this time, but for me to surrender.  I cant change Brian's thinking, his feelings.  Last night, I was walking around where I work, I didn't take the phone, but prayed the whole time.  I prayed for God to yell at me if Brian was meant to be.  I also asked God to yell at me if he wasn't, even though I would like to not hear that, but I was ready if it was.  I asked him to yell it at me when I was listening the most.  I kept praying about my life and everything else, and in the middle of the prayer, I heard it loud and clear, "YES, HES THE ONE!".  It took me by surprise because I was in the middle of the prayer, so I rebuked the devil in Jesus Name, to make sure it wasn't the devil in my ear, and then again I heard, "YES, HES THE ONE!".  I then asked God to show me what I need to do to win Brian's heart back over.  I know Gods timing and mine are different and I don't know what Brian is dealing with, so I asked God if I need to leave him alone, or tell me when the right time would be to approach him.

While walking inside the building, I felt reminded by God at the beginning of our relationship.  How Brian fought for me for God to tear the walls down that I took years to build up.  I didn't pray for them for awhile at the beginning, in fact Brian asked me everyday for a week if I would want to do something and I said no.  One day he asked me, Can you please just pray for God to close this door or open it?  So I think it was the next morning is when I asked God.  That was the same day that my best friend told me he was the one.  So I feel as if I was reminded that maybe Brian has a wall up and I need to pray, have patience and allow God to tear those walls down if Brian is willing.  All I can do is wait and pray and allow God to work in my life.  I feel the transformation and everything that I did that would push someone away.  I need to have trust and I need to be able to look in the mirror and say that I'm beautiful because God made me and I'm worthy enough because Jesus came on this earth and died for me.

All I know, is that I love Brian, I still see him as my future husband.  I see his family as the family who will help raise my kids in a Godly atmosphere.  I could be wrong, but right now, my heart says this is true, this is what God has placed on my heart.  Anything can happen, anything can change, because God gives people their own choice, but I know my story is already written and I will live my days, waiting for the direction God has me to go next.

I wrote the above stuff this morning when getting ready for the day.  I'm on my lunch and I feel at peace.  I'm confused still, but I know that everything is going to be okay.  I cant rush Brian's time and Gods time.  I hope that Brian knows that I love him and I'm here praying for us.  I still have the same feelings as I did before and I think they grow each and every day.  I get more and more confirmations and I didn't even look for them.  I prayed for confirmation after confirmation and then God gives them to me.  I know Brian has free will and he doesn't have to listen to God.  Also, God can easily at any given moment change the way that I feel to us not being meant to be. 

I have been reminded of this song during this time in my life     Im Waiting

I have to admit that even though I'm pretty sure no one is really reading these, it helps me to vent and share my feelings.  I know that just because we are Christian and believe in God, shows that trials don't come our way or the other second guesses Gods plan.  Following God is something that is very hard.  Its taking yourself from being in control of you and giving it to someone else, not realizing what is ahead in life.  I would rather give my control over to the One who knows the outcome than to myself who is simply guessing. FAITH!!!!

I know I will still struggle with my ups and downs.  I know that I will have my moments of just throwing in the towel and then simply bowing my head and praying for him.  I love who God is molding me to be in the moment.  He has taken all the things I thought were important and simply showed me the small simple things in life.  In a way, I am thankful this has happened and I'm glad I said that prayer (Lord, break my heart for what breaks your.) Its me growing in Christ and its sacrificing things that may have came before God.  I feel its a stripping of your human self.  Every time I have prayed that prayer, I had my heart broken, but always for the better.

I hold on to the promise that God said I will be getting married on 12-13-14.  I hold on to the promise that Brian is the man I'm supposed to marry.  If these things never come to be, then I will simply have to pray for an answer on why those were placed on my heart. 


One thing that I'm going to promise myself is when I look in the mirror every morning, I need to tell myself that I'm beautiful because God made me and I'm beautiful because Jesus lives within me.  When people see Jesus in me then I hope that's when the true beauty shines!!!