Diary: Day 11

I didn't get much sleep last night, especially with the hour lost.  I woke up with fear once I realized where my life is.  I knew last night that if Brian and I went to church today that I was going to ask him some questions.  A few people have mentioned asking him certain questions, but I think one of the main ones I felt led last night to ask that I was thinking on the way home was the simple, "What do you want?".  To be honest, if he doesn't know if he even wants to be with me, then I feel as if the praying switches the mind concept, if that makes sense.  For instance, the other day, when I wanted to text Brian, because I wanted and I prayed about it and God said, I shouldn't, made me pray again, but also that's not what I wanted to hear.  I had to remove myself from the room and go ask for additional prayer, because I wanted to go against God.  I cant speak for Brian and I don't know truly whats going on, which bothers me a little, because I wish we had a little bit more of communication, but it gives me doubt and unsureness if he really even wants this relationship.  I know Satan can make you feel like you don't want something and can even put goggles on you and look at the person differently.  I remember one time when Brian and I went to Dallas, I looked at him and I told him, I cant see you as my husband.  He got a little upset and prayed for me and told me he still feels the same, meaning, he loves me and sees me as his wife.  That lasted a good few days, but its what he does.....its what the enemy can do, but its up to you to work past it and pray for God to open up your eyes to how He wants us to see that person.