I slept good last night. I went to bed with a sense of peace and fell asleep to the movie Fireproof. If you have never watched it, I would recommend it. I woke up, realize where my life was at this point with Brian and I, and some of the stress started pouring in. I can definitely say that I'm going through the motions. I got ready for work and prayed the whole time. I even made me a prayer box where I stick all my prayers in, the big ones and even the small ones that I know I need to pray for daily and sometimes forget. I hold my box and ask God to answer the prayers in my box and the prayers that are on my heart.
Something happened at work today, I realized something. What if Brian and I never do get back together? I know I will be okay, Brian will be okay. I know God would have to really talk to me and show me something, because I never felt like someone was more the one for me, ever in my life. I got confirmations from the very beginning, things I cant explain that showed me "this is the man". I think with that, I knew we were meant to be, so I didn't have to worry about us not ever being together. This is my wake up call. Everything seemed to be so minor then. A semi big wedding? I don't even care about that. I would love to get married at the venue, have a semi small gathering and us whisk off unto the honeymoon. I would love to know that God gave me this man and I'm standing before him taking a vow to marry him for better or for worse. We have argued more and more over this wedding and the finances that I know it has dampened our relationship and it never should have and that's my fault. I guess I didn't listen to what Brian wanted until the day he was leaving and told me what he really wanted for a wedding. Why would I not want to make him happy? Then theres the ring. That doesn't define our love for each other, why did I make it such a big deal? I'm mad at myself for not feeling this way or realizing these things before.
You know, maybe Brian and I arnt made to be.......I don't know.....I don't feel that way. Maybe this was a wake up call to me to look and see the important things in life. You would think that I might of learned something like that already. This time could be just us stepping back and slowing down so we can hear God more easily. I can say, that's exactly what has happened to me. I love hearing God and him showing me and placing in my heart certain things. I hope God and Brian gives me a second chance to make this relationship more Christ centered.
One thing that bothers me is some people have been asking me if this is something that I just want to feel, and maybe I don't want to be alone, maybe I have made up this answer in my head. I can say with every inch of my being (and theres alot of inches), THAT'S WRONG!!! My heart pours out that this is the man I'm supposed to marry. In fact Ive been in a relationship where I knew the man wasn't for me and I told people that all the time, even when I was in the relationship. I knew.....cause that's what my heart told me. I also know that I will keep fighting just like off of Fireproof till God says, "its over".
I fought for my marriage when I didn't really want to fight, but that's what God wanted me to do, so I did it. I did try.....I prayed, wrote letters, gave him a book, I tried to do everything I knew I could while he was away living with his girlfriend.. I have no regrets. Then months went by and God simply laid on my heart and prepared me for divorce. I know during that time that God was working on me to fight and to be the wife I needed to be, was the same time that God was working on Mark. The wonderful thing about God, is that he doesn't force us to do anything. He gives us free will. Mark made his choice and I was set free and at peace to move forward.
I don't know who is 100% right at this moment. I can sit here and say without a doubt that I still feel the fight in me and that Brian is the one that God has given me. It could change in a day, a minute or in 2 weeks. I do pray to be revealed and it placed on my heart for him not to be if that's Gods will.
I have to admit something and this is going to be very confusing for me to say this. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I feel at peace. I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel not good enough. I feel like a failure. I feel defeated. I feel happy. I feel comforted. I feel alone. I feel all kinds of emotions. Its like, I'm at peace because everything is going to be okay, but I feel scared because its out of my hands and I'm scared one of us is going to make the wrong decision.
One thing I think if Brian and I stayed together is I think it would be a good idea if we started over. Going on random dates, picking me up, dropping me off. Not talking about the future so much but just enjoying and getting to know each other more. I feel as if we rushed so fast and I don't think we did it intentionally, I just know I did because it felt right. I knew this was the man I was going to marry, so why not. I think that's a major part in the past 6 months is the fact that we have had it so rough because we didn't enjoy the basics. We argued because we didn't know each other good enough and get to know each other before making big choices. I wish I could go back and just take things slow, but I cant. I hope it doesn't bite me in the butt. I know I cant go back and change things but I can change right here, right now and that's myself with God. He hears my heart, it cries out to Him. I hope and pray that His will be done in my life.
Something else I'm reminded of is what my friend told me the other day, that I'm in a transformation time in my life. I can see me being transformed and I can feel the change within myself. I don't know who's reading this because I'm not posting it on facebook for people to read, but I don't want me to come across as me saying everything to win Brian over. If Brian and I honestly had another chance at things, these are the things I would tell him.
* We need to start over, as 2 young kids having fun, going to Six Flags, going on dates
* We need to not talk about the future until we both feel ready
* We should pray together more and pray for each other more
* I know I'm going to stop asking a million and one questions and simply give them up to the Lord.
* I want us to be used fully to the lengths of what our spiritual talents and gifts can offer and we both support each other in the meantime
I'm sure there are more, but God was preparing me with some of those even before we had our separation. Please say a prayer whoever is reading this that God will open up both of our hearts that we may feel the same towards each other.
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