Its my Monday at work. Everytime I go to work and I'm sitting in a room with no windows, is when the enemy likes to put fear and negative thoughts in my head. Alot has happened over the weekend and I'm going to try and stand strong with the promise that God told me that Brian is the one. I have been praying that God will open up Brian's heart and lay on his heart what I feel, what God has been telling me. When I saw Brian last night, I never saw him that way. He looked numb, depressed and I hated seeing him that way. He was unsure about so much and I know that can be discouraging. Sometimes, and I'm not saying Brian is doing this, we tune out the "spiritual side". Those moments when you feel far from God and you don't feel Him near, but the truth is, God is there, we just haven't let the walls down to allow him fully into our lives. I have done that so much where it took weeks for me to hear and feel God. The truth with that, is I was still holding onto something and wasn't allowing God to have it. When I finally surrendered to God the other night and asked Him to help me give it all up, to not worry about Brian but to just pray, the next day I had so much peace. I cried out to God and just simply told Him, "I cant do it Lord, I need your help, I don't know why I'm struggling so much, but I want to give all this over to you".
Brian can easily still tell me next week that he doesn't think I'm the one and wants to move on. I do know as long as I feel the urge to fight for us, even if its through prayer, I will!!! That's how strong I feel to do this, for us in a relationship. I should be punished for what I did during the relationship with being so selfish and insecure and having trust issues. I shouldn't get away scott free and I will fight and show Brian that I'm changing for God, not for him, but for God, cause I know if I'm pleasing God, I can please Brian. Brian is worth fighting for. I woke up all through the night and prayed for Brian and for myself. I have gotten so much closer to God during these past 10 days that I never want to back off again from God. I need His help and guidance 24/7, 365 days.
I have to admit, I'm in love with the new me. God has let me see through a different pair of eyes. I feel like even though its been just a week, I don't know who that person was before, like an evil side of Rachel, a side that I held onto for some unbeknown reason and it effected alot of relationships around me. I'm still me and still will get mad, sad and hurt, because I'm human, but I never claim to be perfect. I'm ready for God to use me in every area of my life and other peoples lives. I'm thankful for having this wake up call.
This song is what I'm standing by right now LOVE IS NOT A FIGHT
Relationships are about commitment, partnership, and every relationship has their doubts, their "its easy to walk away". We forget about why we were drawn to each other, why we fell in love in the first place. Our eyes start wondering, our hearts get soft and weaken, and temptation starts to be around every corner. All I can say, is none of that is from God. Doubt is not from God. Everytime last week I doubted myself if I was hearing the right thing, I was also in fear, and God is not of fear, so I knew who was behind it.......the enemy!!! I'm standing strong to this relationship and I know either way, whatever the outcome may be, I will be okay and I will keep on taking Gods path. I don't fear of starting over, or meeting someone else, or being alone because I know God will put that person in front me, like he did with Brian. Deep down, there is no one else, I don't see anyone else, I'm not interested in someone else, because this is the man that God wants me to be with. Like I said before, God gives us free will and that's why I'm praying for Brian. Hes a strong Godly man, but hes human and we all have our down time, our struggles, our closeness with God or whatever it may be. I'm not Brian, so I cant talk for him and his spiritual walk. He could be super close to God right now and God hasn't spoken to him yet, because hes still working on me and wanting me to show God that I'm ready to be the new me. Just like Brian, I have free will and I can easily keep my old side if I wanted too and just stay the same and not change, but for the record.....I'm changed and want to stay this way. Theres hope, theres peace, I can look at myself and see that I'm beautiful, and its freeing. I don't need anyone else to make me feel worthy, because God has shown me and helped me feel worthy because Jesus came on this earth and died for me. I love it!!! I knew that pretty much my whole life, but like I said, I'm human and I was looking for something in a man, only what God can give me.
I'm about go head off to work, please pray for me and Brian today as we are away and that God will both speak to us!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment