Time

When March 12th came around I woke up upset, mad and anxious.  It was the end of the 2 weeks and I felt God preparing me for "time".  My friend and I talked even a week before about Brian and mines relationship and she said that she just feels that we will end up together, but its going to be awhile.  Her feelings said years, I felt months.  We both realize and understand that we don't go off of our feelings, but we just go by what we feel is our intuition.  We both admit to being wrong and then we have seen things happen that we felt before it happened.  I do have to admit, that I was in denial.  Two weeks ago, I did feel like God was telling me 2 weeks and so that's what I mentioned to Brian, but deep deep down I knew it was going to be longer.  Brian doesn't know this, I'm not proud to say this, but actually right after we fasted and he lost 30-40 pounds and I gained a pound and knew that I wasn't motivated to lose weight, I remember talking to God about Brian and I separating for a bit so I can focus on losing some weight.  It has nothing to do with Brian, but it had to do with me and keeping a routine, but that's really irrelevant.

The night before March 12th, we had a horrible wind storm.  In fact, I saw on facebook where Brian's parents neighbors tree fell on their car.  I woke up the next day to my grandpa telling me that our neighbors dead tree fell on our fence and it knocked down 75% of it.  I was instantly thought of JOB in the Bible.  I felt like the devil kept knocking all these obstacles in our way to distract us from focusing on the relationship.  It could of easily been a coincidence, but I didn't think so.  On top of it all, March 12th was my moms birthday, she would of been 55 and I think I could of used her more than ever that day.  I did go visit her cemetery that day.

A little later during the day I looked at my bank account to see how much money I had.  I noticed that Brian and mines money had less, so I saw that he withdrew some of his money.  I knew then that it was over, now I just had to wait for a few hours till I saw him.

I was on the porch talking to my cousin when he pulled up.  I asked if he would like to pray before we talk and he agreed.  After praying, I asked if he would like to go first or me.  He said he would like to go first, but before we started to talk, we went inside so we could see each other.  Brian told me that he lost himself somewhere from his last relationship to this one.  I have to admit that I changed Brian in a way, that wasn't on purpose, but it was a way that I thought would protect me?!  I just had this fear of my life repeating itself with what my ex husband did to me.  My ex husband used things to hide his adulteress relationship and what he did, so later after he left I figured out how he kept everything from me, so I "protected" myself and having Brian change or do things he normally wouldn't.  It wasn't right of me.  In fact I know now more than ever, that Brian or whoever is going to do what they want, when they want, however they want regardless if I say I want something done a certain way or not.  In a way, its a freeing feeling.  I know that, myself or that person will have to stand before God for their actions, thoughts or feelings.

I want to share my whole story, but this story isn't just about me, so I don't want to share someone elses story if they don't want me too, so I'm going to try and share what happened that night in a short way.

We sat down and Brian told me that he lost himself somewhere between his last relationship and ours.  I can sit here and say that when I met Brian to last Wednesday, he did change.  Brian is a very strong head person like me and we arnt going to do anything out of our norm unless we choose too.  I cant say that I changed Brian, because he made that choice, but I had my hand in it and I was wrong.  I fell in love with the man that I met and got to know and my insecurities and fears slowly change him and I'm not proud of myself.  During these past few weeks, I have actually found out who I am, who Christ wants me to be. 

Brian also said that he wasn't going to close the door and hes not sure why hes not, its not like him, but hes not going too.  He told me hes shut doors on people who simply didn't return a phone call, but all I can say is that it must be God.  I was really worried that the only answer for Brian was a yes or a no, but God stepped in and put a "wait" on it.  I talked to my cousin afterwards cause he knew how stressed I was and said, "Do you feel silly spending all that time worrying?  Do you regret doing it?"  I sat there and said, "No, because that just shows Gods mercy.  When I didn't think there was another way out, God opened up the window."

Brian said he cant fight for this relationship if he doesn't know who he is and I understand.  If a man can remove himself because he cant put 100% of who he is in it, then I can respect that.  He cant promise if we will end up, we don't know what God has in store, but I did promise him that I was going to remain faithful and not date, because I still see and feel him as my husband and I know if I did date, I feel like I would be cheating on Brian.  I don't know what a month from now will bring, if we bump into each other or if my heart totally changes and another man walks into my life.  I do know, that each and everyday, God reminds me that yes, he is the one and I need to fight, and my fight is praying.  During this time, I have been working on myself and allowing God to still mold me and I love it.  Do I have thoughts and fears that he will find someone else? yes  But I do try and focus on what God wants me to learn and do during this time, because I cant control anyone and everyone has free will.  I simply am trusting God that what He tells me is the truth and so I try not to worry about it.  When God thinks we are ready, I feel he will join us back together, until then, my eyes and focus are on God and the path He wants me to take.