Diary: Day 8

I woke up with a sense of peace today.  I prayed last night to help hand over everything and I feel as if I have.  The unknown with Brian next week still lingers in my head, but I know I cant do anything and I know that Gods will, will happen no matter what. 

I had lunch with an old friend today and she told me alot of good advice.  I need to stop asking if Brian is the one for me, because I know God has already told me he is.  I need to hold onto the hope that God will speak to both of us and reveal the path He wants us to take.  My friend also thought of a song that reminder her of this situation, (Keep Making Me)  Before I met Brian, God was everything to me.  In fact when we started dating I remember telling him to please keep me on track for God to be number one and Brian said he could do that.  Some where along the way, I slipped and was allowing my flesh to feel like I could fix situations. 

This song says alot to what I'm going through.  I need to be broken to see what my faults were.  When I was stripped away from everything and shown my wrongs it was when I could be filled.  I need to feel lonely, so I can depend on God and not man.

Make me broken
So I can be healed - I feel like the issues that I have had, I needed to be broken to look back on my actions and allowed God to reveal them to me.
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel-  I couldn't feel what I was doing, though I knew it wasn't making us both happy, I just couldn't feel what he was feeling, only what I could feel.
I want to run to You
With heart wide open- This is exactly what I did when I didn't understand the situation going on.  I ran to God.
Make me broken

Make me empty-  I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and he did.  I still feel empty, knowing I screwed up so bad.
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will - I was holding on to what I feel should happen.  I have given it to the Lord and know during this time whatever may happen, will be Gods will.  Am I still hoping it goes a certain way?  Of course, but I'm giving it all over the Lord.  I feel that I did get filled with my wrong doings and God could still reveal more.
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty - Last night I prayed to God, I laid it all out and asked for Help, I know God is always there and I know His plan is best.  I needed to be stripped away from Brian to show me what I need to do and how to change.

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours- I'm going to be honest and say that I still struggle with this.  I am lonely, I know God is there, but.........well sitting here on how I feel, if Brian leaves, I know God will always be there, I know He will never leave or forsake me.  I am Gods, and I want to His will, so I can be the wife and mother that I am made to be.
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord- This might be where I struggle.  I do want Brian in my life, of course, I have felt a connection with him more than any other man in my life, but I would rather have God than Brian.  I can sit here and say that.
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely- I will wait on God and his plan.  I know this past week if I didn't go through this I would of never learned what I have and I know I'm still learning.  I have started to take this time to be shown what I need to do to change for God and for myself.  I know if I'm pleasing God than I will please Brian.  I love how God took me away, THANK YOU GOD FOR TAKING ME AWAY TO LEARN THESE THINGS, SO I CAN BE MOLDED INTO THE WOMAN YOU HAVE ME TO BE. 

I'm starting to get it!!!  I'm started to surrender and let God take the reigns.  I have to hold on to the promise like I said before that Brian is the one and believe that in time we will be brought together.  It could also change down the road and God needed me to fight for something, but it could also change because Brian has free will.  I don't know, but I cannot worry about all those things, but focus on me and what God is doing for myself.   Its crazy when someone gives you advice from the beginning and yet, you know it, but its hard to accept it and apply it in your life, until one day it clicks.  I'm glad it didn't take me too long to get here.  Will the enemy still attack me and make me confused and have bad days and give me no hope?  Of course.....but that's where I need to bow my head and pray and rebuke those thoughts.

I was driving in my car today and thought of something.  I went and visited my friends church and saw their new school and was walking out by myself and realized I want to help in a church.  I think with Brian wanting too so much and his mom asking for our help, I got ready and prepared to do it.  I know I can help people and kids and draw them closer to the Lord, but right now I don't have a church home.  I was driving in my car though and just thought of little girls that would listen to my advice and help them if they didn't have the structure home that they needed that I could be a good influence.  I know God will lead me since I feel he has prepared that in my heart.

I met Brian tonight.  After I went to therapy, she told me I should pray about meeting with him at the half way point and see if God leads me to meet up with him.  I did pray, had a few people pray and had peace about it.  I reached out and he responded and we met up.  I was so nervous that when I got there, I couldn't speak.  It took me awhile to finally get started, I felt like I was about to give a speech.  

I did, i kept it short, went to the basics.  I tried to let God speak through me and share what I need to share.  I asked for him to forgive me and he did, which meant so much to me.  I know I need to pray and have God speak to me and to him on what God wants us to do.  I miss him so much and I love him so much.  I hope next week, God opens up doors and shows him what I feel and see.  I know Gods path is going to work out and I have to have hope and faith that everything will be okay.  I also know that the enemy will be coming at me and giving me all kinds of lies and discouragement in my ears.  I'm going to have trust and faith in God, its all I can do!!!!

Please pray for us!