I woke up this morning with weird dreams. Lately, I wont lie I have been dreaming of my ex husband with Brian in the dreams. I'm not sure what that means. Theres nothing good, nothing bad in the dreams, but just awkwardness. Rarely do I think about my ex husband, I can honestly say I moved on and I let that go. I don't know if its the fact that I see Brian as my future husband so strong that its natural to compare my last husband? I mean, I don't know, I don't compare the two because they are nothing alike. I did have a fear of history repeating itself with cheating, but I think that's a normal thought to have sometimes. I didn't dwell on it, but I did try and take over situations to where I think it could possibly, even though it was like a1% chance, of something happening. Which that is another thing I let go of. I'm not in control, Brian is not mine, and I have trust in him. Will he be tempted, yes, so will I, but I feel as if we are strong committed people that with Gods strength we could overcome it. I pray for him and he prays for me with temptation.
I did go out and buy something for Brian that I felt led to do. When I went to the store I didn't have anything particular picked out, but I knew when I saw it, it would be something that I should get. I picked up a few things actually and then I saw one book. I picked it up, it was for men, and on the front, (which by the way, I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I got home and was putting it in the bag), says FIGHT. That's what I'm doing for Brian, is fighting for us. This book talks about men fighting the battles that matter the most and it talks about all areas of their life. I don't know........no words can describe it, other than, that was the book!!! I don't know if Brian will read it, I don't know if or when something touches him out of that book, for all I know he reads 8 years from now and it touches him, I don't know. I also got him a little cross magnet that he can hang at work or at home, either way, and it talks about God leading you down His path. I'm not one of those people that buys love, but I wanted him to have something that would be helpful, beneficial or encouraging. Sometimes we just need those little lifts in life. Crazy thing is, when I got home is when the enemy started attacking me. I started hearing thoughts like, "What if I go over there to his work to drop it off and hes talking with another girl?", "What if he doesn't want it at all and it means nothing to him?", "What if me doing this is going to push him away?". I had fear, doubt and insecurity come to my mind and thoughts and I knew exactly what it was........the enemy. I rebuked the devil......either way.....I want Gods will done in my life and I can only do so much, but I'm allowing God to work in me and through me.
Throughout all this, I have been doing a 21 day cleanse. Its not like the 21 day fasting, but to be honest, I feel like its been more of a fasting than a cleanse, because of how close I feel to God in this moment. I'm eating to survive, I'm eating to be fulfilled, and to be nourished. Pretty much what I eat, is grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, fruit and water. I feel good and I'm satisfied. Funny thing the other day, Brian kept looking at my belly, finally a littler later he says, "Have you been eating?", I said, "Barely", he said, "I can tell". When I'm depressed, stressed or scared, I don't eat. I have a 0 appetite. Though when my mom passed when I was 16, I gained 40 pounds. I have been looking in the mirror and telling myself that I'm beautiful and I'm surprised how confident I feel, even in this moment of unknowing. I feel confident, not from an ego point of view, but confident in myself with how God made me and what God is doing in my life.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you Lord for everything you have given me in this world and thank you for my grandpa and for him being such a Godly man in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be raised with God fearing parents that wanted me to do whats right in this world and to always have a relationship with you. I know I could of easily been born somewhere else, but you chose me to be strong, with your strength. Lord, I give you Brian right now and ask Lord that you touch his heart. I don't know his battles or struggles or whats tugging on his heart Lord, but I know as Christians, we all get this way. I ask Lord that you give him a great big hug from you to comfort him and pour your love on him that it overwhelms him. I also ask that whatever the enemy puts in his thoughts, with fears, doubts and uncertainty, Lord I rebuke the devil in Jesus Name away from Brian. I pray Lord that he wont be tempted or have thoughts of starting over, but instead you speak to him on what your plan is for him. I don't know Lord what your plan is for us, but I hope as a couple we can figure it out together and grow with your love and desires. I never felt so strong about someone being my husband and I know its you Lord and I wont give up. I need your hope and strength to keep fighting Lord. I know the enemy will place people in front of us that will stir our eyes away from your will. Please keep us strong and focused on you, always. Please God give me the encouragement of what I need to do to fight this. Please open up my heart even more and tell me what I need to do, if its to pray, reach out, not reach out or let him go. I know Lord, that I want your will done in my life and I want to go down the path you have for me. I pray God that today I will have a good day, Brian will have a good day and all my friends and family will too. Please keep us safe and focused on your will!!! I love you so much God and am thankful for your mercy and grace in my life, when I never deserved it. Thank you God for always giving me chance after chance and never giving up, and I pray Lord that you will allow me to have a second chance with Brian as you have brought to my attention my faults that I have been carrying around. I know you know whats best, so I have surrendered and will wait........I will take this one day at a time and listen to you!!!
In Jesus Name I pray,
AMEN
Last night when I was headed to drop off the gift, I was praying on the way over there. In fact I turned the radio on and the song, Love is not a fight, came on and I cant tell you the last time I heard that song and I took it as a sign that God wants me to keep fighting, that I was doing the right thing.
When I got to work, I texted Brian about joining him to church the next day. I waited all night and got discouraged, because he never wrote back till I went to lunch at 10:00. I don't blame him and I never got mad, I just was struggling with thoughts of doubt. I couldn't talk to anyone and I know my friends are tired of hearing the same thing all the time, but sometimes I feel alone in this relationship. I don't know what Brian is going through or the struggles hes dealing with, but I am praying and fighting for us. I know that God can do anything and touch peoples hearts and at times it can be so hard, especially when you don't know what that other person is thinking or doing.
Please keep us in your prayers!
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