I told my grandpa this morning that I feel like I give it to God and then the next day I take it back. Its something that I need to fully surrender too and when I do, it will all make sense and I would of wished I did that from the beginning, it would of been that much easier. Ten minutes later my friend texted me and asked me if I was giving this all up to God or if I was trying to deal with it on my own. I laughed cause its exactly what God had laid on my heart. Then I had to run some errands this morning and in the car I heard the song "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave REDEEMED and was reminded that Im fighting a fight that has already been won. To me it was telling me right now in my life that yes, I am going through some trials, yes I am having to wait, but Im batteling myself. Why dont I just give it up to the Creator, the Almighty who already has my best interest at heart, that already knows the outcome? Why do I worry about something I have no control over? If God has laid on my heart that Brian is the one and I have someone new everyday tell me to not stop fighting and to listen to my heart, then why would God let me down? Im not having faith, Im not having trust in God. Another lady who I grew close too at my old job messaged me today. When I got a new phone I didnt add people in my phone, so as they come along I ask who they are and I add them. She sent me this graphic and wrote me this morning that she was here for me. She said this to me....."When things seem to be falling apart God is usually placing those things together the way He thinks they should be, not the way we think they should be". I needed to hear that. God is molding me right now. I dont know what Hes doing for Brian and I cant worry about that. This past week has taught me so much. I had to step back and look at the person I was becoming and I didnt know that person. Oh, how I wish I could of been different. The most amazing thing about all this, is that God never gives up on me. When I pray and ask God to make me into the woman He wants me to be and the woman that Brian needs and wants.......I feel this is me becoming that person.
I had another lady message me yesteday and told me her story out of the blue. A lady that I went to a book retreat for one weekend and we kept in touch. I felt led to go to that book retreat and even though I didnt feel as if I got fullfilled like I thought I was going to, I sure did meet some ladies that have helped me along the way. God has his reasons for everything, even if in the moment we dont understand.
I dont know 100% why Brian and I are going through this right now. It could be that we got lost in the moment and took our eyes of the main person. It could be I needed some work on me to be done and Brian needed a break. God could be working in both of our lives. Maybe it was for me to have a wake up call and not take people for granted. It could be one, some, all or even more, but I cant figure that out right now. I need to sit back and pray and ask God what He wants me to do and what He wants me to learn in this moment of my life. I know that everything is going to be okay. It might not happen the way I want or how the outcome may be, but all I can do is pray that Brian is praying for us and no wall is built.Tonight at work, the devil went after me. All of a sudden everyone around me was telling me, maybe its time I move on, and maybe God is preparing me for someone else. I felt defeated, I felt as if this was God saying Brian wasn't the one. Fear creeped in. I was having a spiritual battle and I called my friend. She told me that maybe I should text Brian and see how his day was. I was texting Brian when I felt led to pray for direction in my life. I bowed my head at work and I prayed, "Lord, should I text Brian?" I heard, "No you shouldn't". I rebuked the devil in Jesus name and then said it again, "Lord, should I text Brian?" Again, "No you shouldn't". I didn't want to hear that, in fact I sat there thinking of all the possibilities of what could happen if I did. Of course I didn't want to go against Gods will, because I have no idea why God would tell me that, but that's where trust and faith comes in. I got up, called my grandpa and asked him to pray for me. I also asked him if he still feels like Brian is the one and he told he did and that he would pray for me. I went back to my desk, sat down and forgot all about texting Brian until like 10 minutes went by. I could feel this peace come over me and I was starting to calm down. I don't know why God didn't want me to write Brian, I don't know if its because of timing or maybe Brian doesn't want to hear from me. I felt that was me, trying to "fix" the situation all over again. Something I also learned though with all of this, is I KNOW THAT I AM LISTENING TO GOD. In that moment of hearing, "No you shouldn't", that was exactly God telling me what I shouldn't do, even though I wanted to do it. So, if this whole time, I have been praying for God to reveal to me that Brian is the one, and I keep hearing "YES", then I know its not me wanting to hear that I want to hear, because I didn't want to hear, "No you shouldn't".
Everyday, God has been revealing things to me of what I did wrong in this relationship. Today I learned a few things. My insecurities have done alot of damage. It went from, him looking at people to even his body image. I'm not proud of these things, but now I know what I need to work on and even confront in therapy. Also, another thing is that Brian is not mine. Brian is Gods and I have no authority over him. Once I felt that today, it made sense. I cant hold on to Brian even if I was married to him, because God can take him away in a moment and I need to just accept that Brian is Brian and he is Gods. Another thing I learned today is, which Ive known this one, but my cousin told me this. Trust him, until he gives you a reason to not. You need to look at him as your best friend and he needs to look at you as his best friend and until you do, its not going to work. I agree.....I told my friend the other day, it feels like I'm losing my best friend.
So those were my lessons for the day and reassurance that I'm no giving up and Gods got this!!!!! I hope one day Brian sees that God is working in me and I'm becoming the woman that God wants me to be. I love him more than he probably knows at this moment!!!! I will keep fighting till God says to stop!!
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