Diary: Day 6

Last night was amazing!!!  I was so tired and just wanted to go to bed, but stayed up till 5am.  I watched Fireproof and finished it.  I always start watching the movie and then never finish it cause I fall asleep.  During the end, I had a mini transformation.  I asked God to forgive me for being so selfish in this relationship.  That is not the person that I wanted to be or needed to be to glorify Him.  I was very disappointed in myself and ashamed of the woman I was towards Brian and towards God.  I have to say I bawled like a baby and asked God over and over to forgive me.  I know you can only ask once, but that was my cry out to God that I'm so sorry for Him giving me something so amazing, and I took it for granted.  I told God, I was ready.......I was ready to be transformed into the woman He wants me to be and this huge weight got lifted off of my shoulders.  My whole focus right now is on me and who I need to be in Christ and who I need to for Brian.  I prayed and asked God to give me a second chance with Brian and I can only wait until He tells me okay.  Yes, I still feel as if Brian is the one for me, but when I prayed the prayer for God to mold me into the woman He wants me to be, I feel this is what needed to happen.

So many people have told me, maybe God is just letting you see this and to prepare for your future spouse, but in my heart, I can honestly say.....Why would God not intervene and remove someone out of my life so he could mold me?  It might be temporary or we might not end up together, but just because someone is made for you, doesn't mean that God wouldn't remove them for a short period of time, so your focus could be clearly on God.  I feel as if Brian is getting a break while I am being molded.  In a week Brian could easily come over and say, I'm done and I'm getting my stuff.  I cant be torn, because I prayed for me to go through this.  I wont give up, until God says its time to move on.

I know I must be on repeat with my diary's, but its honest to God how I feel.  I am so thankful that I have this weight lifted off.  I want to apologize to his family for being such a brat during this relationship, because God has opened up  my eyes to how wonderful they really are and how amazing of a job that they raised their son.  I would love to have my babies to be raised with their marriage commitment and the love that they can give.  Why couldn't I fully see this before?  I had selfish goggles on and I feel such a fool for not seeing through Christian eyes.  I am thankful for being revealed all of this because now more than ever, I want to be a part of this family.  I give it to God, and will pray and allow Him to let me have that second chance if its His will, if not, I will definitely take this as a lesson and apply it in my life.

What one thing I feel sad about and disappointed in myself, is why would anyone miss me with the way I acted?   I love God and I love how He has opened up my eyes to my actions.  God is a God of love and of mercy and grace.  When my heart gets broken, its because God is strengthening me and allowing me to become the woman I need to be.  I pray and ask God to use me in this life, to share with others His word and to allow people to see Him through me.  How can God use me to the fullest if fear and selfishness is in the way?  That is not God!!!  I also know while I'm being transformed is also the enemy himself going to come put doubt and fear in my head and try and break me down, because why would he want for me to be strong in the Lord and a bigger threat to Him?  Even the enemy knows that God is bigger.

I want to shout from a roof top the peace I have within myself even though I don't know the outcome.  I'm glad that I finally released myself to surrender to God and have him take over this part of my life and allow Him to work in it.

Last night, again, God ripped off another layer of bondage that I held down.  I was talking to my cousin about life.  Something that very few people know is that growing up, I always compared myself to my cousins.  They lived in the nice house, had new stuff, one was a cheerleader and the other rode dirt bikes.  I on the other hand, had my mom and grandpa, I had a decent house with hand me downs or the sale rack, I was a fat tom boy who played softball.  Do I regret anything of my life, of course not, but growing up, I compared myself.  In my head I always felt like I was in competition, but in reality I was competing with myself.  This blog is about no hold backs so here it goes.  Even to this day, I could look over at my cousin and think they had the perfect life.  I always thought that I was looked down upon because I lived paycheck to paycheck, but at the same time, I still felt blessed.  My cousin and I were actually both planning a wedding for this year.  It just something that happened to fall into place, but deep down I felt like I had to be in competition.  I knew that I could never have the wedding that my cousin was going to have, but that I was going to try to make it as close as possible.  It sounds so foolish doesn't it?  I have been doing this all wrong, throughout my whole life.  It goes simply down to materialistic and my image.  The truth is, my cousin told me so much stuff last night that I had no clue about and that was a huge wake up call.  Her life isn't perfect and she does struggle with certain things, but my cousin is doing it the right way.  She is blessed and she knows it and she doesn't put anything before God.  I had to look at myself and figure out when did it go wrong?  Has all these years I pull layer upon layer and it weighed me down so much that I couldn't even see it in a different way?  Last night, I could literally see and feel God peeling another layer off of me that has been keeping me bondage.  I remember Brian always saying how nothing of this world matters to him and he doesn't care how people portray him, because he knows the truth.  Once again, I'm ashamed at myself, but I feel blessed to know that I prayed for God to mold me into the woman for Him and that's exactly what Hes doing right now.

SHAME ON ME!!!! SHAME ON ME as a Godly woman to fully not know or understand some of these things.  Right here, right now, I'm admitting that I have been wrong and I'm thankful for learning now.

God has been so good to me and the devil has been attacking me.  I have definitely been going through the emotions, because God gives me peace and then the enemy out of the blue will attack and give me anxiety and doubt.  Every night I wake up with doubt and go to bed with peace.

Everyday I'm learning something new, I even prayed this morning (typing this for last night) for God to show me something else.  Right when I think there is nothing else to be acknowledged, God says, "NO, you need to work on this too".  I cant imagine the woman that I'm going to be when I start getting strong in these weaknesses.  I have started working on myself, praying, and realizing my faults to not let them repeat themselves.  I feel like I have wasted so much time in my life, over petty things that I'm disappointed in myself and all the people that might have had to put with it.

I don't know what the future holds, like I said, I definitely go through the emotions of all the what ifs and I know that's something i need to work on too.  I have got to learn to live one day at a time and have faith in God 100% and not let my fear and doubts get to me!!!  Please pray for me!!!