Diary: Day 4

I have this bittersweet feeling.  Bitter because, I could be wrong, but I feel as if Brian is just living his life and having fun and not caring that we are together, and then sweet because God is working in me.  Its like I'm town between 2 feelings all the time.  I'm scared that this is going to be a very hard journey, with me anyways, and then I'm at peace because everything is going to be okay.  I want to sit here and say that I wish I never prayed that prayer, but then nothing would of changed, my eyes would of never opened up to who Christ wants me to be.  I wouldn't of had, what feels like my world ripped from under me, and me realize what really is important.  I can sit here and honestly say that:

I had the man of my dreams on my arm
He told me he would never leave me, that I would be the one to break up first
We were planning our wedding
My finances have been stable
I have my health
and there are so much more, but listen......

Something deep inside wasn't right.  I wasn't as happy as I should of been considering I knew I was blessed and my life wasn't in a storm.  I had looked around so many people around me who had lost loved ones instantly, who were constantly sick or fighting some form of cancer.  I knew I was blessed, I knew that I had nothing to complain about, so why wasn't I 100% fulfilled?  I was doing it all wrong.  Yes, I love the Lord, Yes, I thank God every day for what He has given me, and Yes, I do realize my blessings, but I took them all for granted like so many of us do when things are going great. 

When I prayed that prayer, I didn't realize the kind of wake up call I was going to get.  I know I took Brian for granted, not purposeful, but you would think of me losing my ex husband and what I did to try and win him back over, I would be more grateful for when a man walked into my life that I feel is from the Lord.  Maybe that was my problem....maybe because I didn't work for it, I wasn't as grateful.  I can tell you now though that I'm working for it and I am more grateful than ever right now, that I was blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life.

What I realize now is:

God gave me this man of Honor and Loyalty, a man who seeked Gods help and direction
I realize that I can lose anything God has given me if I don't appreciate it
That a wedding seems so petty, because I don't have my best friend

I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time in months.  All I could think about was Brian and how much he helped me figure things out and come up with ideas of what to eat and make meals.  If I had any questions Brian would know it or figure it out for me.  I missed his presence around me and me putting my head on his chest next to his heart and feeling that security.  I feel empty, but right now God is fulfilling me in ways that Brian never could, that only Our Heavenly Father can do and that alone is what I need to appreciate what He has given me.

I don't know the future, just like no one walking on earth does.  This could of been my lesson to know what to do and see with my next boyfriend.  This could be just temporary while I'm growing in Christ.  I don't know, but I do know the one who does know and I know that everything will be okay.

I want my blog to be about Joy Rachel and the life of a Christian girl who tries to do right and sometimes without realizing it fails or even fails because I'm human and its my nature, but with Christ and his grace and mercy, I am forgiven.

My fear right now is this.....Less than 2 weeks from now, Brian comes over for the last time and tells me he still feels like I'm not the one for him, gets the rest of his stuff and walks away.  That's not actually my biggest fear of them all.....its what comes afterwards.  Its me seeing him happy with another girl, someone who could make him happy in ways I couldn't.  Its knowing that I'm not the one hes kissing on and hugging.  I think sometimes, what if God brings us back later down the road, how hard would it really be to just accept that and move forward, cause technically he didn't cheat on me.  I know I always jump the gun, but its those thoughts that tear me down......all what ifs.  I have a fear of me sitting on the side praying for Him, growing in Christ and him moving forward without a glimpse of the past.  I guess it takes me longer to get over someone than alot of people.  I feel that's why I was so scared to get in a relationship in the first place, because if I fell in love and we broke up, how long the recovery would be.

Last night I had a hard time at work.  I just wanted to cry and had to hold it all back in.  The last 3 minutes I looked at the pictures of us and I smiled and had this extreme peace come over me.  I remembered the reason why I fell in love with this man.  Hes amazing!!! He makes me laugh and draws me closer to the Lord like no other.  I actually admire him and look up to him, though he may never of known that.  I wanted to be a good woman with him, but I also know the devil attacked me all the time with thoughts and words that I would of never of thought on my own.  I told him to pray for me lots of times cause I struggled.