Its been a week! I feel as if its been a year, but yet a week from today we will see where our relationship goes from here. To be completely honest, I'm expecting the worse. I haven't talked to him, I don't know where he stands. I have people pray, all over for us and that God will guide us. Today wasn't a very good day for me. I woke up with fear and it stayed with me all day. I tried to keep myself busy and got some things done, but it never left my mind. I even went for a long walk and prayed the whole time, but my focus wasn't on what its supposed to be.
This is what I want to share with you as a Christian and a human being. I'm struggling. I'm struggling with handing over my issues to God and I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. I have handed over so much to God in my life and over the past few years and He has always provided. Why is it so hard to trust God that no matter what happens with this relationship, that it will be for the good? I feel like I'm punishing myself. I feel as if God handed me this wonderful man on a platter and I ruined it. I ruined with my selfishness, sexual sin, materialistic wants, worldly image, trust issues, insecurities, holding on to something that wasn't mine and holding him back from being used fully by God. I GET IT!!!!!!! How horrible of a person do I seem? How as a Godly woman could I have so many faults and not even see them so clear to the point of it damaging my relationship??? God has been working on me and revealing these things to me and I have been working on fixing them, but handing them over to God fully is something that I cant seem to do, not because I don't want too, but I'm having difficult time doing it. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that in a week I don't know what is going to happen, so it keeps crossing my mind or what. I don't want to carry this burden, I did ask for forgiveness and I need to ask Brian to forgive me, but I also think that I need to forgive myself. I have been getting so mad at myself for possibly ruining it, but then I have to remember the prayer that I prayed and that God is making me a stronger Godly woman in this time.
Tomorrow is my first counseling session and I'm looking forward to it and also learning tools to help me to become the woman I need to be. I did make sure to go to a Christian counselor and so I'm hoping to get the good advice I need.
I don't understand why when I pray to reach out to Brian or go to church to help where his mom goes, I was told No all the time. I don't know if he still needs time or what, but I have to trust God that He has a reason and a purpose. I'm scared of the unknown, but I know who knows my future.
Today when I was headed to the lake I saw a sign that read, "Don't fear the future, I'm already there" -GOD
I loved seeing that, I took it as if God was speaking to me, because I am scared, but I know I need to have complete trust and faith in God that His plan is better than my own. I still need to hold on to the promise that Brian and I are meant to be and that he is the one. I wouldn't understand why God would say he is and then he not be, unless Brian doesn't listen to God and moves on. I know God gives us free will!
My prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you Lord for everything you have given me. Please watch over me and my grandpa as we go through this life and keep us healthy and watch over our finances that we may spend to glorify you. Please God watch over Brian and his family as they go through their struggles. I love him and miss him so much, but have to understand that this is a time of me growing. I know you laid on Rebecca's heart that I was about to have a transformation and I feel this is it. I still feel God that you have been telling me that he is the one and I want to hold on to that promise no matter if a week from now he gives me a second chance and you lay on his heart that I'm the one. Or Lord it could be 2 months or more from now and we bump into each other and are strong and where you want us in your walk. I don't know Lord, but you do and I have to remember that you know what will happen. I know God we have prayed over almost everything with choices we have made and the choices we wanted to make and felt led to join accounts as we were going to start this journey in life. I also know Lord that I was very selfish, greedy, insecure and had other issues that interfered with our relationship and made us both unhappy. Lord I take full blame for those and I am asking that you forgive me for each and every single one. I know you gave me this amazing man that I dreamed of having one day and even wrote it on a piece of paper and you knew when you made us that we were going to born on the same day and 27 years later meet each other. I know you have your plan and its for the best of us and I'm asking to go down the path that you have paved for me. I don't want to mess it up anymore and I want you to mold me into the woman that you want me to be, even if its sacrificing my time or possible relationship with Brian. I know I cant give him what he needs and wants as long as I stay this way. I would love God for you to place on Brian's heart to help me as I go through this journey, but if not I understand. I hope Lord that if Brian comes back in a week and still feels the same way that you could be telling him No because its Not right now. Lord I need your help in helping me to make the right choices and to strengthen my faith and becoming that woman you have for me. I struggle with handing all this to you, so you can mold me and I don't want to struggle. Please give me strength God to have peace and do learn everything you want me to learn and to keep having hope. Please give me a time of rest and allow the enemy to not interfere with me. Thank you Lord for giving me so many friends who care and who are praying for this situation. Lord I see Brian as my husband and I will keep fighting till you tell me no more. Please God be with me as I try and lose weight, that I will make the right food choices. Help me God to be a witness and an example for you, let you shine through me so others can see you. I want you to use me to glorify you in every way. I need your strength and peace throughout each day. Teach me Lord what you want me to know, let me have an open heart to listen to you and to abide by you. I trust you Lord that whatever may happen, will be for our good. I love you so much and I don't want to let you down. I will wait Lord!!!
In Jesus Name I pray........Amen!
I feel sometimes when I'm weak and tenderhearted is when I need to read my prayers. I know I left out so much more, but I will add to them when I read them. I hope one day I can look back on these diary posts and see all what God did during this time and how much I grew. I need to fully trust God and give all these things to Him!!!!
Please keep us in your prayers.....
Rachel
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