When
I was 16 my mother past away from ovarian cancer. I remember this girl
named Brittney just started going to the school I was going too. She
was going there a month or so when my mom died and I remember her
telling me that she didn't know what she would do if her mother died. I was a
junior in high school and she was sophomore. The following year I found
out her mother died suddenly from complications from diabetes and at the
time we wernt getting along, silly high school girl stuff.
I went to her moms funeral and felt
so bad. We didn't talk, but at the end I was the last person to give her
a hug and I whispered, "I know exactly what your going through". She
told me a few weeks later, that meant everything to her, that someone
could relate to her at that time of her life.
How
many times have we gone through something and when someone else is
going through the same thing or something similar, do we brush it off?
Or maybe your the type of person that will drop everything, because you
know you could be a benefit to that person? You have to remember that
when you went through something, it was for a reason and because you
went through it and you may even still be dealing with it, how much
beneficial it could be to that other person that you know exactly what
they are going through?
I
have gone through a wild of crazy things in my life, from a loss of a
parent at a young age, to dealing and facing cancer head on, to the loss
of three precious babies due to miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies
and even infertility issues. I have had my husband leave me due to
adulteress affair and even committing adultery myself after he left.
There are plenty of things I haven't faced that I would love to say I
would never want to face, but the truth of the matter is, this life
throws us these curve balls for a reason. How many times have you faced
something tragic or heart wrenching and when you came out of the storm
you felt that much stronger and closer to God? If this life was easy,
then how could God ever truly use us?
I
have looked around before at some people I know and think, "Man, they
seem to have it easy, they don't have the trials and storms, they have
just mild weather come their way". I think and wonder if I'm doing
something wrong to deserve these things, or if they are doing everything
right. That's not for me to know or understand, but for me personally,
I'm not sure why I have been faced with something every 3 years of my
life. My faith has been tested, I have walked away and wanted my heart
to get hardened and I have cried over and over for some form of rescue
and peace. Either way, I tend to always run back to my Heavenly Father.
Ive
been struggling lately. I don't understand where I am at in life and
there are no answers. I don't try to ask for understanding, because I
know I'm not supposed to know. I have been doing everything right that I
can possibly think of. Even when I was told not to do something and I
did it, the doors were closed and I felt conviction like no other. Its
easy for people to tell me what they think I should do....well poo, why
didn't I think of that? The truth of it is, I did!!! I want to do what
my human self wants to do, but my heart says "NO!" Do you know how hard
it is to actually live each day feeling one way and listening to
another? I have noticed myself getting very upset more and crying more.
I have struggled with obeying God, which I am glad I am obeying, but feeling
this emptiness. I always thought that if I obeyed God and walked with
Him it would always be peaceful. The truth of the matter is, its not
true. Why you say? Because we are human and there is no understanding
of what we think and what God thinks. My favorite scripture....Proverbs
3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own
understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy
paths. I wear that scripture on my ring and I love it, but its hard.
I am trusting God without my own understanding, but as human we want
control. I do trust God, but its not happening on my time and my ways,
which is the hardest to surrender.
A
year ago I prayed for my heart to not be broken and it was. Now I'm
waiting on it to be shattered pretty much, which is a horrible way to
live, but there is nothing I can do. I am simply waiting and trusting
God that He has some form of a great plan and this is all in His plan.
I can say, I'm getting tired.
So
why I shared all this, which may seem as if they don't go together, is
I'm going through something that NO ONE can really help me with. No one
can say anything, no one can do anything, but pray. People look at my
life, like I'm crazy and that I'm doing this to myself and hey....sometimes I
start to think the same thing. My heart says NO. I am doing what I am
supposed too and its so hard. If someone has or will ever go through
this, my advice is to always follow your heart, if Christ is in your
heart, because I know this will lead me to so many blessings. The storm
can stink at times and you don't understand, but keep holding on!! I do
pray no one goes through what I'm going through, because you feel
lonely. A lonesome feeling that's between God and yourself, where nobody
can relate. I know God is teaching me something through all this and I
hope it helps make me be the woman God wants me to be. More than anything
do I want a good godly man to see me and see that I am following our
Gods path and listening and obeying Him. I do pray that the man God has
for me is doing the same. You never know, maybe by me being still In
God, He will bring the man He has for me, right to me and if I would of
moved or seeked another, I would of missed him or delayed the process.
I
would love to ask anyone reading this, all the trials you have faced in
this life, don't go through them with no purpose, but instead see how
you can help someone else who is or maybe going through the same thing.
Nothing is more comforting when someone feels or have felt what you are
going through. You know the words to say and you know just how to
pray, cause you too felt and prayed those prayers for yourself.
:)
God
bless all of you!!! I pray tonight that each of you reading this will
open your hearts to God, that He may reveal anything for your life to
you!
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