Struggle

I feel like sometimes there are things I'm struggling with or things on my mind that I want to share, but then I don't want to announce everything, but then this wouldn't be the true me, my true blog.  I don't want my readers to read part of me, but all of me, because I know I was created to share my trials and storms in my life.

As you most know this is a time of my life where I'm growing, I'm learning so much and I can feel me maturing in ways that I thought I wouldn't get till later in life.  I wish I could somehow sprinkle this dust that for a couple of minutes, you could feel what I feel.  I am constantly seeking God and trying to somehow grasp what it is He wants me to do next or opening up my eyes so I wont be blind to anything.  There is this peaceful feeling knowing that He is planning something and that He wants me to keep my eyes focused on Him.  I pray all the time for His help and guidance.  I honestly think of when everything is going great and how comfortable I get at "my life" and not what God is planning for me.

The truth of the matter is, with my current "lesson", I guess you could call it, is my thoughts.  Not bad thoughts, but thoughts of faith, but as my human self, I feel mixed with doubt.  Truth be told, here it is.....No matter what I do, no matter what I think, no matter how many times I pray, Brian doesn't leave my thoughts.  I get mad sometimes, because I don't want him to be in my thoughts.  I honestly want Gods thoughts.  Its like I'm battling something or someone and I have no idea who it is.  I feel God, I pray for His thoughts and what He wants me to focus on.  I will keep myself busy and read or pray, and nothing.  I don't understand.  I don't know why I have this hold on my life, when I'm not doing it.  No one walking this earth can help or tell me anything.  People just look at me and shrug their shoulders, also my therapist just stares at me.  The reason why is because this is between God and myself. 

(This is old, just posting)