I'm a follower of Christ, I'm not a follower of the world

Ive always been an outspoken person.  I say more than I should and I tell more about my life than most people are interested in learning.  I always hear that I need keep things in, that some things are just made to be private, within yourself.  That's true to a point.  There are things that no one walking this earth knows about me and it will always remain that way.

Ive realized though, I was always made to be outspoken and to tell things to people.  Alot of people look at me and question why I need to share everything while they keep things to themselves.  I understand that we are all different and everyone is made different, but let me share why I feel like I was made to be outspoken.

I have a story to share.  I have a story to share with everyone, that's why I know God has placed on my heart a long time ago that I will write a book one day.  I know I'm supposed to go out to the world and share my ups and downs, my trials and my blessings.  I pray to be a testimony and for God to use me and this is my way that God has me to be.  I can look at people and marriages and they seem like their life is just picture perfect.  Its a fraud!  I want to know the valleys, I want to know the struggles, because maybe then I can relate or someone else can and so that makes us feel like we arnt alone.  I have gone through things in my life where years I felt alone in things, but because no one spoke out and said they struggled with it too, I was alone and felt bad.  I thought I was the only one walking this earth that was going through that struggle.  

I find myself now going through the same thing.  Never in my life have I ever heard of a "trial of faith".  It sounds kind of simple, kind of easy maybe.  Its not like I'm dieing of cancer or I just lost a loved one kind of trial that would be heart shattering.  This one is different though, because this is a spiritual trial.  

I mentioned before that God has stopped talking to me.  You heard right, My Heavenly Father has stopped talking to me and its miserable.  I can still feel Him, I know Hes there, Hes listening and helping me along the way, so whats the problem right?  I feel as if its a time when the person you loved the most all of a sudden became mute and you couldn't have a conversation with them and you didn't know when you could.  Their there, they can hear you, but they don't speak back.

I can feel myself failing, I can feel myself feeling weak.  I know in my heart of hearts that God is watching me, but is Silent.  I know He has given me the tools to walk a long this narrow path very slowly, making sure that I follow the directions carefully.  Hes there, Hes ready to catch me when or if I fall, but I just see Him smiling, while His hand is on my back leading me forward.  Its really a bittersweet feeling, because I know that God is making me stronger, but right now, I'm feeling the weakest without me holding His hand.

Why am I going through this?  That is a good question.  I really don't remember what I wrote in my prior blog, but I feel like God has told me everything I needed to know right now in this time of growth in my life and has prepared me, now its my time to see if I can trust Him that what He has said will come to pass.  Will I turn into the old Rachel and sit down on this narrow path and pout and do what I want?  Or will I keep walking next to God with His hand on my back not knowing what the next baby step might bring? 

What I'm feeling right now is something that I NEVER IN MY LIFE have ever felt.  Its this ripping my heart out and yet peaceful feeling.  Maybe its God taking all the bad out of me and making me new, the woman I prayed to be molded into.  One of the links that I read talks about this time of your life, the "trial of faith", will bring out the worst in you and it will also bring out anything that you were a fraud about.

The amazing thing that I think about and smile during this time of my life, is the outcome.  What kind of woman am I truly going to be?  What amazing thing will God reveal Himself through?  Could it be through my future husband?  To know that God loves me so much, that He is giving me a 2nd or heck, it could be 154th chance to be the woman I know I was created for, makes me just love God even more than I already did.    

I just want to share my walk and my struggles, because this is who I am.  I want people to know who read this, that I struggle....I struggle with probably almost the same things you do.  As a Christian we struggle even more because we are up against the world and its easy to fall into the world and its easy to accept it and not want to feel "different".  I'm the first person to tell you, all I care about is what God thinks and that I would chose being different any day than fitting in with anyone else.  I'm a follower of Christ, I'm not a follower of the world.

As Christians, your going to struggle of course.  Your going to go through trials of horrible life changing events and your going to go through little trials that are just pain in the boohineys.  Make sure though when your going through any trial, pray what you need to see.  Allow God to work in those trials so you can see Him and the lesson that you may need to learn.  Alot of this information that I'm giving you, I need to learn to apply it to myself, honestly.  I don't know how long I'm not going to hear my Father.  I don't know how long I'm going to feel attached to someone and feel stuck in my life.  I don't know Gods plan, but I do know that Hes sitting up there, watching over me and smiling, {while I'm pulling my hair out}, and Him knowing the wonderful plans and blessings He is going to pour on me if I simply just trust Him.

We always want answers, I of course have probably a bigger issue with it than the average American.  I just want direction or a form of hope that lies right around the corner.  I always tend to want to look forward to something, when in reality, most of it never happens.  This time, I HAVE to trust God.  I think He is leaving me no choice.  At this point in my life I have no door # 2.  I do have free will, but I shut and locked that door up, that door led me no where but heartache.  I choose the door that is wide open, with a bright light shining through, where there is peace and love overflowing.  The door that simply has engraved on it, "TRUST ME, FOR I AM".