I'm waiting for a relationship that I know in my heart is what I should do. Whether it turns out or not, I don't know, but I already got mad at God and it didn't get far and it didn't do much for me, but harm me, so I wait.....
I can remember alot of times in my life when I felt God tell me or put something on my heart that I didn't want to do. A simple example would be, a few years ago I was on a school board for the school I worked at. We barely got paid, but since I was on the school board it was my duty to come up with $50.00 to donate or have a $50.00 auction item. I love Christmas and it was Christmas Banquet time and we needed the $50.00 donation or auction item. One night I was putting out my Christmas decorations at my house and the year before I bought one of those blow up Snow globe and I couldn't wait to put it out. I had waited all year and I waited for it to be the last thing to put out. I felt God tell me, I need to donate it. It was $50.00, though because I bought it half off the year before, it was only $25.00. I remember sitting there on my steps, praying, going over and over the options of if I don't listen to God, what would happen. I thought of it not working, I thought of it ruining, I thought of someone stealing it or ripping it up. I waited all year and was super excited, but you know what? I listened. I went and bought another one after Christmas and waited another year, but I did what I was supposed too, whether I liked it or not.
My marriage.....after Mark left me, a year later, I was getting right, back with God and one night I felt God tell me to fight for my marriage. I didn't want too.....He was gone for a year now and he was with her and I didn't want to fight, thinking if I could forgive him or not. I listened......months went by and I did everything I could, my heart was in it, but I didn't understand because I didn't know if I wanted it, but I know I was rewarded and I know I live with peace now. I know the enemy wouldn't of wanted me to fight for my marriage....he was happy he won and it was ending.
Commiting adultery.....Before it started getting serious, I would drive over to his house. During the ride, its when the Holy Spirit would yell at me and I remember driving with my radio so loud in my car, because I didn't hear it. Throughout the whole relationship, I was told to walk away and I never listened. I would cry laying in bed next to him, because I knew spiritually I was far away, but I could still hear and feel God talk to me, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. I loved him and I wanted it to work, but I knew it wasn't going too, because I knew what the Holy Spirit told me. So of course, yes, it was the Holy Spirit, because it was wrong, it was sin and I know the devil isn't going to tell me to leave an adulteress affair.So here I am with Brian. I didn't want to be with Brian. Everyone knew and I fought it and God started tearing down my walls that I had to the moon and back. I wanted them up there, they were my safe zone of not being hurt. I never felt with any man the way I felt with Brian. I knew it was it....this was the man. I would of never of planned a wedding a month into a relationship, but I know what I felt and I know what God told me. So here I am, alone.....waiting on God to tell me something different. I'm waiting, I'm fighting for something I don't know if I want. When I think of Brian, I sometimes really question what hes doing over there with his growth in Christ. I know Brian and when hes done, hes done, so to me it looks like the impossible. Its so hard to sit here and wait on something that looks impossible, but I do it because I know in my heart that's what I'm supposed to do. I, myself, don't want too, because it'll be easier to move on, but its not what I'm told to do. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I wait until God does something. I know hes still working on me and I'm at peace with it, but I do know if I'm wrong, then 3 other people who feel the exact same way as me, is wrong too and what are the odds, of God telling 4 people the same thing, all wrong???
I don't blame anyone for this, other than myself. As I grow closer with the Lord and take each step to becoming this amazing woman, I am very thankful for this time, but I'm also sad when I look at the person that I was. I just want to hug all 3 men and apologize with how mean I was and that I didn't offer them the best kind of woman. I know now what I need to do, to be a submissive, supportive wife, who honors and loves her husband. I want to please God and I know now how to please God, by pleasing my husband.
One thing I learned which is HUGE to me, is I say everything that comes to my mind which has been pounding me down my whole life. I have learned through a sermon I watched, is that each bad thought that comes in your mind (HEAD) shouldn't come out of our lips (MOUTH), so then it wont go to our HEART. He used an example if it trickling down, so if we think it and it doesn't come out of our mouth, then it wont get to our heart and we wont believe it. I have been working on this for a couple of week and it works. So if you are an over thinker like me, just don't speak it, because your not speaking truth!! Speak only the truth, from God and your heart will be filled with joyful things. I'm at peace way more than I have ever been, because I don't speak. Its weird when I'm around my friends and I consciously speak positive things, but its very uplifting and encouraging, then always going over "what ifs". Another thing I have been working on is the "what ifs". Now when I say it, I stop and say something else, because I am trusting God that what happens is already planned and I cant change it, but just go down the path He has for me.
I honestly, feel like this brand new woman and I have to give all the credit to my Saviour. Do I struggle? Of course....Its a constant thing I have to pray and lift if up to God and its me being in Gods word and listening to the truth. I pray for God to give me His thoughts all the time, and its been a prayer that has saved me, because as easy as I can hear God, I can hear the enemy, so when my thoughts start getting negative and discouraging, I simply rebuke the devil In Jesus Name and ask God to give me His thoughts.
So here I am.....doing Gods will. I'm so close to God that its amazing and comforting. I have prayed numerous times that if Brian isn't for me, for God to change my heart and I hear one word.....WAIT! I remember when I was fighting for my marriage, I would hear one simple word....FIGHT! I will wait, until God tells me to do something else or takes it from my heart. If I'm going to be a woman of God, which I am, I have to do what God tells me to do, whether I understand or not, or if I want to do it or not. I know the rewards will be abundant and very rewarding. Am I saying I don't want to Brian? No.....I'm saying I have no idea what God is doing in his life or what Brian is thinking and that's okay. I'm saying that I'm sure he is over remembering all the horrible things I have done and doubting if he would ever want to be with me, cause I know I sure would. I, myself catch myself thinking of the negative things that bugged me about Brian, making me doubt and wonder if it could ever work out, but I have to look at my life and see what God has done, so why couldn't he work in his life???
My friends.....its faith.....its trust.....I don't know what my love story will in tale. I would love to say that what I have felt and heard from God will come to pass and I can share a great testimony as people have looked at my life and looked at me and doubted. I could be all wrong and I marry a guy named Bob in 4 years. Right now, I can honestly say, I hear God say Wait.....on Brian.....so its what I do, until I get further instructions.
If you hear or feel God place something on your heart, ask for confirmation and reassurance and always rebuke the devil in Jesus Name when you hear or see something from the spiritual side. If it seems impossible, trust God, for all things are possible with God. Walk by faith, not by sight. I have to remind myself of these scriptures all the time.
But this is long enough of a blog, I have been waiting all day to blog from work and Im tired now.....It was just really heavy on my heart to blog for some reason.
God Bless
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