We all go through seasons of our lives. Three months ago I was going through a season of love. A year ago I was going through a season of new beginnings and now I'm going through a season of growth. When I was single all over again a few months ago, it really seemed like a storm to me, I lost the man that God gave me. As time has gone by and my relationship with Jesus Christ has blossomed, I still feel like I was in a storm, because I feel like a part of me was missing.
I was talking to my friend the other night and she is going through a storm. When looking at my life, nothing bad is going on, everything is fine, just feel lonely at times, which I know I'm not, cause God is right there. My friend told me its not a storm I'm going in, its a famine. I sat there thinking, huh? She explained that I'm thirsty......I'm thirsty for Christ, I'm thirsty to be the woman God created me to be, I'm thirsty to being the wife and mother that I know I can be. That was exactly it.....I'm thirsty and I no longer worry about my future or what will happen tomorrow, I focus on today and today only. I know that whatever happens tomorrow, will happen whether I want it too or not. I also know that whoever I end up with, will be Gods will. I have given my whole heart to God and I truly, honestly want His will and plan in my life. I do hope and pray that whoever God lets me have on this earth, will see my heart. I hope he can see that God will always be number 1 and I that I strive to be that woman who pleases God. I want someone who will fight for our marriage, our relationship, our family. I see so many couples right now married, wanting to give up and walk away and it already happened to me once, that I need a man who will not let the enemy win.
I think I'm just sad and burdened with whats going on around me. At times when I feel like my life seems horrible, in reality God shows me that I'm actually very blessed. This time, this season is very precious to me. My confidence is starting to soar as I'm losing more weight, I have only 44 more pounds to my goal, as I'm down 33 now. My season can be based off of my weight, because it takes time to lose weight, just like it takes time to grow. A plant doesn't grow over night, a baby doesn't form over night, it takes time. I'm being patient for the first time in a long time and its actually very peaceful.
I do pray for my future husband, that he is growing with Christ and going throughout each day wanting to please Him. Its just a weird feeling knowing that your heart is already reserved for someone and yet you go through each day trying to keep your eyes focused on God. I guess it can be a curse and a blessing all at once. Its where my faith and trust comes in, which at times I doubt, but that's a work in progress. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being disrespected and not valued and ask myself if this is what I will deal with for the rest of my life? I have to remind myself that God is changing me, changing my heart, so why couldn't He do that to them?
I haven't been able to sleep well for some reason. I wake up throughout the night looking at the clock. I feel weak and heavy burdened at times. Also, I do have to say, not being on any social media websites has changed my life. I don't even think about it, but when I pick up my phone, I'm ready to read one of my 15 devotionals that I have signed up for. I am really trying to spend my time that pleases God, learning about Him and staying in His word so I can follow His plan in my life. I know that I could take this time and spend it wisely, or take my time and slack off doing what I want. I'm not getting younger and I know that God has great plans for me, the sooner I learn, the sooner He can use me to the fullest. I do know right now Hes using me.
The other night I was feeling kind of down and reached out to a couple of my friends. In turn they needed me a whole lot more than I needed them. When I reached out, they were both glad that they heard from me and I spent my whole lunch break talking to them about what was bothering them. I left my lunch breaking feeling so much better and blessed that I could help them, that I forgot all about my little ole problem.
I don't know....I want to shout it from a roof top, everything that God has been and is doing in my life. The enemy is right behind me whispering those sweet nothings in my ear and I catch myself at times believing it, but at the end of the day, God has placed so much peace and truth in my heart, that I just have to hold on to that and wait as time goes on to see when it fulfills.
My advice to you is, when things look like its impossible and you know this is what God wants you to do or to be with or to move too, you really have to have faith and sometimes Hes waiting on you to take that step forward to show you that He has a plan. We all are a work in progress, but its up to us to do Gods will or to live our own. We may never know or understand why things happen the way they do, but sometimes when you look back, it was the best time you could of have had.
Right now, I could of easily been planning a wedding and spending time with my future husband as we plan and grow together, but God saw something else. I know He had to remove me, because I wouldn't of been able to be that wife and mother that God knew I could be, that I prayed for. Sometimes my heart desires to still plan a wedding, because that's what I feel like God told me, but then I have to look at myself, right now and there would of been no way I would be this amazing woman if I didn't go through this. I say I'm amazing, yes, because I am. I am amazing because God lives within me and I feel amazing knowing that. I want myself to shine for God that when they see me, they see Christ and not some selfish, insecure, brat of a woman. One day, a man will see that and treasure it!!! Oh what a glorious day!
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