I know the enemy likes to remind us of everything we did wrong, when alot of the times, hes the one who whispered in our ears to do it in the first place. I cant help but feel bad for everything I have ever done in any of my relationships. I don't know how some of them stuck with me so long. Even though looking back, I don't know who she is, because I honestly can sit here and say that I have been transformed, I still have my memories.
My ex husband is and was a good man. To this day he will help me if I needed it in some way. We arnt close, but I know we will always remain friends. We grew up together and went through alot of ups and downs, but there is no love, romantic feelings anymore. Its just a genuine friendship. I know when I talk to him I don't have to explain myself, he just knows and gets it. He put up with me alot, I was not the best wife and I was so young and selfish. I'm actually starting to get teary eyed reading this because I know that God has put on a replay of my life and the choices I made. If your reading this and don't know, I was very mean. I never cheated or was unfaithful, but I was this huge brat. I would occasionally hit my ex husband on his back or arm really hard, I would yell at him and nit pick. If I'm honest with myself and with you, I did that to the 2 ex boyfriends after that too. Why? I can tell you why.
All 3 relationships I wasn't where I needed to be in Christ. I was looking to them for love and fulfillment that only God could fulfill. I was insecure, jealous and selfish. My whole life, my mom and grandpa lived their life around me and I just carried it through each relationship that way. I know my mom and grandpa didn't intend to do that, but in reality it harmed me. My mom never asked much from me and neither did my grandpa, so in return I never expected other people to ask much of me and when they did, I simply turned it down if I didn't want to do it. I never got to see a healthy marriage and what its like to have 2 people try and work on things as a team. Instead I had a single mother who was the mom and the dad and it was her rules her way. Which in turn, I know my mom didn't do anything to harm me, but was just trying her best the only way she knew how. So I got to see a strong woman who had her rules and things went her way, as I feel I incorporated over into my relationships.
I study all the time. I study the Bible, listen to sermons and listen to Christian music. Ive listened and read on relationships and how God wants them to be and how they should work. I know being with someone is work, its a constant effort, just like staying close to God is work and effort. Its taking time out of your day alot of times to spend that one on one time with God if you live a hectic life, but you work on it and find the time. I also have an amazing therapist who is God driven and really helps you reach into yourself to find out why you do the things you do.
I admit of doing things wrong. I also can admit that I'm glad the knowledge I know now. I know that I cant go back in time and change anything, and honestly I'm not sure if I would if I could. I wouldn't because then I wouldn't be here at this moment in my life writing this, hopefully touching someone or helping someone.
I know my hearts desire is to reach out and help people. Ive been honored for a handful of people to come up to me and tell me that I'm a big example and have been helping them without my knowing, during this time of growth. They have told me that they have seen the way that I have had faith and held on to the promises that God has told me and the way that I'm bettering myself and smiling. If someone can see my faith in God and its helped them get closer to God, then by golly......I can smile at the end of the day.
My last relationship was with a good man that I really felt like God had for me. I'm honestly not sure where I stand at the moment with it, because I feel like hes moved on and doesn't have a desire to see what God has done in my life and that's okay, I don't blame him. I can imagine the things he thinks of, is all the bad, and truth be told, it is easier sometimes to move forward and not look back. I was sadden the other day thinking how he must remember me by. I was disappointed in myself and yet thankful that God doesn't look at me that way. I know with me its not easy for me to stop loving someone and move on. I see its easy for alot of people and I wish I was that way. Its always harder for me to give my heart over the next time around, because of the pain it takes to get over them in the first place. I can honestly sit here and call that a blessing, because when I love.....I truly love!
I cant wait till God lets me love again, this next time the right way! It brings a smile to my face to know I have been blessed with amazing men in my life that once loved me. I cant honestly say anything bad about them. It is hard for the last one for me to get over, considering Ive always felt that he was the one. I guess when God is ready for me to move on, then God will change my heart. I do want to be loved and give my love to a man who's love is for God. I want to be able to hold my future husbands hands and pray together.
My last relationship, he would always grab my hands in church and hold them tight during prayer. If I had to list one thing that I miss the most, it honestly has to be that. I do pray that I will one day have that back in my life, when I can sit next to a man and when its time to pray, he simply reaches over, grabs my hands and together as a couple coming before the Lord, give our thankfulness. I smile sitting here, hoping that God gives me my hearts desire and it also makes me realize what I had.
God had my story written out before I was born. I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but I cant wait with Gods grace, for Him to write my love story.
:)
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