The lessons over, now its time for the tests

I don't know where to begin.  I haven't had time or had a desire to write, but I think now may be the time.

I recently told my friend that I feel like my time of growth is over, meaning my lessons are done, now its time for God to test me.  I felt that about a couple of weeks ago and I feel the tests are starting.  I was doing so good with where I am in life and my growth with Christ and myself.  I got some discouraging news that I didn't ask for, but I know it had to happen for a reason.  My initial reaction was to be my old self, the old self that I never wanted to see again.  Luckily it lasted for about 2 minutes.

So what does this mean?  Any hope that I had, I feel as if its flown out the window.  What do you do when God puts on your heart one thing and the impossible looks like the impossible?  I know what I'm going to do, which is keep living my life and keep becoming the woman God wants me to be.  I do know that one day someone will see it and admire it and want to hold on to it, I have no doubt.

One thing that I want to share is that I feel very motherly.  I never felt this way before, but almost like a "soccer mom" kind of personality.  When I see the girls with booty shorts, I think, "Oh girls, I wish you knew if you had a few more inches added to those, how much more well dressed you would look".  I also look at how I look and dress and want to be modest and be able to stand next to a man one day and him be proud and honored that he has me as his woman, because of the confidence I have in who I am.

I want to be the Godly woman that I know I was created to be and I really don't want to fail these tests.  God has been so good to me and I want His blessings to keep pouring down on me.  Please keep me in your prayers as they come.

Ive realized that I'm okay and content being alone.  I know I don't need anyone to fulfill me or make me happy, except for God.  When the timing is right, God will place someone in my life, but until then, I just have no desire to seek or search for anyone.  I want God to write my love story and I know He will.  I have appreciated this time that God has given me to prepare me to be that amazing wife and mother that I know He wants me to be.

I don't want to sound conceded or egotistical, but I really just want to share the confidence God has helped me to have.  I honestly have to give all the credit to God and when I doubt Him, I feel bad.  I feel bad because He is the All Knowing Creator and I know He wants to give me His best.  I want His best and pray for it daily.  I don't know what the future holds, just like none of us does, but I have to keep trusting the one who does.

My heart at times feels empty and it saddens me that Ive been in 3 relationships that I do admit of me messing up with my own issues, but it hurts to think that you arnt worthy enough to be given a second chance.  I do know that this time, I have learned my lesson and I'm taking what I have learned with me for what lies ahead.  I guess I'm opposite of the men that I have dated because I'm all about giving chances, because I know that my Lord gives me a million and one chances daily.  I cant get into their minds and see, but nonetheless I have no bitter feelings towards them and I honestly what them to be happy.  They each do deserve it and are good men.  I really hope what they see in their relationships now, a man may see in me one day.

So I keep striving on.....waiting for the next door to be opened and seeing what else of Gods best He wants to give me.  This time I'm living it all for the Lord, 110% and I don't want to fail Him.  When God gives me the next man, I'm going to be ready, I'm going to be honored and blessed and I'm going to respect, support and love that man, because God blessed me with him.  I know I wont be perfect, but I'm going to try my hardest to strive to make God happy, in turn will make my future husband happy.  I do pray for a godly man who can see that I'm a woman for God.  I pray for a man that doesn't live of this world and wants to please God in everything He does.  I know hes out there......now its up to God, in His time and His place.