I think its ironic that I just wrote the blog called "Relationships", and now my relationship is being held by a string. I honestly have no clue why everything changed so fast. I'm standing here confused, numb and wondering what lesson I'm supposed to be learning during this time.
I'm not blaming anyone, but if I did, I would blame myself. I'm not perfect, I do have alot of issues from my past relationships and even the storms that have been in my life. I guess you can say I kind of am always waiting on that next storm since I feel as if I have alot. In fact every 3 years. At age 16 my mother died, 19 I got cancer, 22 I miscarried my twins, 25 my husband left and here I am, age 28.....this could be my storm, losing the man that I feel in my heart is the man that God has given me.
I'm a tough cookie......what I mean by tough cookie is I'm difficult to deal with. My mind races all the time, I always have a million and one questions, I'm doubtful and pessimistic. Then theres the other side, which has faith and trust in the Lord and that with every wrong or bad thing, is always a good thing and a lesson to be learned.
This post wont be posted just yet. In fact I'm using it as a diary, because I just want to pour my heart out and my emotions. Monday I had a really bad day. In fact, I posted on facebook that it was going to be a long day and I hope its a good one. I also, was 9 minutes early to work that morning and so a good song came on and I drove around until the song went over and prayed the entire time to have a good day. Brian and I were fine, actually I felt more close to him than I have the entire relationship at that moment in my life. Church the day before was amazing and I can say it was magical, I had this calm about us and myself that I was ready to find a church home together.
So I worked and everything was fine. Driving home from work, every person that was on the road was driving extremely slow and for some reason it drove me insane, because I still needed to get something to eat and get ready for my next job. When I got home and talked to Brian, everything was great. The night before, Brian and I talked on the phone about planning our weekend and getting some things done. I was stressing out thinking we wont get everything done, because I like to plan ahead and have everything organized. Brian calmed me down and told me he would help with calling the churches to see about looking at our wedding. I had asked him if he didn't want too, it was okay, that I could do it and he reminded me that it was fine and he would do it the next morning, which this was Sunday night. I talked to Brian after work when he was on break Monday and he never mentioned about calling the churches, so I asked him. He told me he didn't call, but not to worry, cause he will get it done. I know this might sound like I'm a B word, but to be honest, in that moment, I felt a ton of emotions. I felt that it wasn't important to him, I felt as if he lied to me (not purposeful), I felt unloved, I felt as if my stress didn't mean anything and therefore he didn't care about me. Looking back, I know and even during that time, I knew in my heart those wernt the things at all. I have been trying to open myself and letting God work in me so I can submit to Brian and in that moment I struggled with, "How can I submit to a man who cant do what he says hes going to do?". The devil was after me big time that day. I couldn't let it go, I was a jerk all day to him about it. I honestly though, felt hurt. God has been working on us and in me so much that I honestly feel the devil got a hold of me and maybe even Brian and wants to ruin something that I FEEL is brought from God.+
This is where I am going to look even more worse than what Ive already said. Brian tells me that night that he has some family issues and that he needs to get up early to be with his family. My selfishness thinks, well you couldn't get up early to take 5 minutes to call someone, but you can easily get up early for something else. Don't get me wrong.....it has and never had to do with anything with the family. It was my selfishness getting in the way of feeling not important. I dont know why I need to feel important to someone. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm an only child and that my mother lived and breathed me because I was her only baby and she was a single mother. I can honestly sit here and say, right now.......I have to grow up!!! If Brian and I never end up together, I will take this lesson and apply it to the next man, if God has someone for me. In any situation, I honestly try to grow and learn with each mistake that I do and for it not repeat itself. I also feel like I can push and push someone away and when they finally go, its a wake up call of how I have been acting.
So that night I call Brian and was bawling on the phone, because I still felt so hurt. I don't know if my new medicine had me all jacked up, if it was simply I felt hurt, or if it was the devil just attacking me left and right or something else. I didn't understand and I had Brian come over to talk, because I needed him there for support and deep down I wanted to be there for him the next morning with his family. I again was selfish and took him away from his sleep to comfort me. I needed to feel important and it was wrong. He told me that night he feels God closing the door on us. I never, have never and still don't feel that way. I was shocked and scared. The Sunday before we was wonderful and even sat down to talk about buckling down to find a church. The week before we finally picked out the ring and looked at flowers to budget for. I didn't understand......I was scared.
Tuesday comes and I go to work. I'm stressing out, scared that Brian and I might not be together. I sat in a room separate from everyone else and prayed. I talked to a few Christians up at work and said they would pray for us. About midway that night, I went to the restroom. I was alone and I simply said this, " Lord I want your will done in my life". In that moment, I was reminded of something. I had prayed the prayer the week before, for God to break my heart for what breaks His. In one second, everything came pouring in and I had this huge overwhelming peace that everything was going to be okay. I was breaking Gods heart, because I wasn't allowing Brian to use his spiritual gifts and talents. I was preventing a man of being used by my Heavenly Father over my selfish needs, fears, and desires. The truth is, I didn't even realize I was doing that. In fact, I never want to interfere with God and His plan. I went back to the room and even told one of the Christian ladies what I just felt. I smiled and the rest of the night was burden free, I was at peace. I saw Brian more and more as my future husband and I knew what I needed to do to help him be the man that God has made him to be. I knew what kind of woman I needed to be, for God and for Brian.
The next day, I went out with my friend and we talked and I was still at peace, but still wasn't sure where Brian stood, since we wernt going to talk for a few days and see if God changed anyones hearts. From the overwhelming peace that I had the night before, I knew that everything was going to be okay. Though in my heart I also knew that we were going to still have some time apart. I kept feeling 2 weeks, but to be honest, pushed that down, cause I was scared. Brian comes over that night and I'm still at peace. He seemed calm and I knew that it all was going to be okay. He then spoke and told me he knows I'm not the one for him and that this relationship was over. I sat there, numb, confused. There was no doubt that I knew what I felt the night before in that bathroom. In fact I had 8 other people confirm and feel that we are meant to be. I didn't understand. I had no words, what was going on? Who was listening wrong? We have the same God, how can we be so sure and it be completely opposite? I told him everything that I felt and what happened and when I looked at Brian, I felt as if he had a wall up. I could be wrong, this is me talking through my eyes and my feelings. I know Brian had alot going on with his family and I thought maybe he couldn't do it all. I thought maybe I was too much and he was done trying. I thought, maybe I was listening wrong or heard wrong. I thought maybe he was just tired of me and this relationship, so the best and easiest way is to walk away. I told Brian about the 2 weeks that I had felt during the day. He told me, he wouldn't mind giving it 2 weeks to see if one of our hearts changes. I know myself and all day on day 1, I was starting to doubt because I was scared of being rejected, or trying for 2 weeks and it just still be a no. I admit, I wasn't having faith, I was giving up because I didn't want too bad of a broken heart. Then I was reminded that, that's exactly what I prayed for. I prayed for a broken heart and I now need to try and figure out what I need to learn during this time.
I don't blame Brian. If he really feels this way, I cant change him. I talked to a few friends that night and one of them told me something exactly what I needed to hear. I cant fix Brian. I cant sit here and change his mind by worrying what hes thinking. Right now, I need to focus on myself and what God is doing in MY life. I cant worry about what God is doing in Brian's life. I felt like it was deja vu from when my first husband left. This time, I have more of a clear mind and my friend was right. I left their house and was at peace. They reminded me that my story is already written and I shouldn't have to worry about it, because I cant change it.
I still feel 100% that Brian is the man that God has for me. I can honestly say that I have prayed and prayed for God to change my heart if he wasn't. I can honestly also sit here and say that I'm a changed woman. I'm not perfect, I will still mess up and be annoying at times, but I also know what I need to do. I don't know if Brian and I will ever have another chance for me to prove to him the kind of woman that God has been showing me I need to be. I didn't get that chance to show my ex husband when he left. With every relationship, you have different areas you struggle with, so with this one, God has been working on me in different ways then he did with my previous one. I hope that God opens up our hearts so that we may feel the same way. I still have a fight in me, for this relationship and I will continue to fight, until God says to stop. God never gives up on me and I wont give up on us. I love him so much and now its time that I show and prove to him, the deepest of my love I actually can offer. Now its up to God to do the rest.
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