I'm a very open and honest person. In fact, I know I am too honest sometimes, but I know God made me this way so I can share my trials and storms with everyone. I cant honestly sit here and say that Brian and mines relationship has been the most easy. I also cant sit here and say its been the worst and boring. What I can say is, its normal. Its honestly two people coming together in their late 20's trying to make a relationship work, that are both stuck in their ways and both hard headed. I can say its a relationship from God that I feel at times is that God is sitting up there in heaven laughing at us. Brian and I were both raised Baptist and pretty much raised the same way in morals and values. We both want to wait till we are married to make love just like scripture wants us too. We both want to have a church home and have Christian friends surround us because we know how tempting this world is and how easily it is to fall off track and we want to have people to hold us accountable.
Some of the things I know we struggle with is that we are 2 different people. We think different, we have different spiritual talents and we help people in different ways. What we need to fill each other emotionally and spiritually are even different. What one needs, the other doesn't understand because it doesn't fulfill them. For instance one thing I need, is to be reminded that I'm beautiful to him. I have insecurities, I always have, but I need to be reassured that I am. To him, it doesn't mean anything if I called him handsome or not, its just 'whatever' to him. Now to fulfill him, he needs to hear "thank you" when he does something for me and to feel appreciative. That's one thing I can do.....I'm an easily please and thank you kind of gal. BUT......Brian likes for me to give him stuff to do, because that's how he says he gets fulfilled. Honestly, the man could build me a house from bottom to top and I would be thankful.....don't get me wrong, but if he never said I was beautiful during that entire time, it really wouldn't do much for me because I wasn't getting my fulfillment.
Now I know everyone is different and they have their own ways of being fulfilled. One of Brian's spiritual talents is Helping Others and mine is Time and Wisdom (words). Its why I say that God laughs at us in Heaven, because I think he got bored and was like...."I'm just gonna throw 2 people who think different and have different gifts and watch them dual it out and make it work". I know I can speak for myself and honestly say that for the first time in my life I'm having to go outside my box and think of how someone else thinks and I struggle greatly with that. If I don't understand something, I tend to put a wall up, because I want to understand the situation or reasoning behind something and of course God is laughing because well.......I cant or wont ever know everything or can understand it.....that's where faith comes in.
I do know if Brian and I were alike and shared the same gifts, we would be limited to how God could use us. Brian is very good at teaching and leading a class. I on the other hand have done it before, but I'm a good assistant. Another thing I struggle with is 'time'.I like to put my opinion or way of thinking out there with Brian's timing and even Gods timing are not mine. I get Gods timing, I do......that's been my whole life, but to trust and wait on someone elses timing in how the deal or handle things is driving me to prayer!!! hahaout having to "study".
One thing the book has taught me and even God telling me.....is that I need to be slow to speak and quick to pray. My best friend last night wrote me and told me that I was heavy on her heart. She told me that God told her that I'm in a transformation time in my life and that its going to be hard. Little did she know, which I hadn't spoke to her about, is that I was already starting. I had been quiet from her for a few days, not ignoring her, but simply being quiet and in that time God was revealing to her what I needed to hear to have confirmation that yes it will be a struggle, but that God is there working in me. I know I'm having to let go of alot of things of who I am, but in reality its who Ive become over the years and not in a way that is beneficial to God or to anyone. Ive lived in a bubble the majority of my life and I love it here. The bubble was popped once without my doing and over the past few years I have slowly built myself back in it.
The one thing I know that Brian and I need to open our eyes too, is really that no one is right or wrong, but the fact that were just different in our way of thinking and doing. I feel with me speaking is that Ive tried to handle us by me doing and not allowing God to open up my heart to see things in a different way. Its definitely a struggle with me to go outside the box, but I know in my heart of hearts that this is the man God has given me and I know it will work, because God brought us together.
Why you think I may be sharing this is because I have felt led with the trials in my life and the lessons I have learned is to share what I experience, learn, grow and know. I know everyone at some point in their lives or their struggles question things and wonder if they are normal or if the situation is normal. I say "normal" very lightly, because what is normal? I honestly thought that when God gave me the man I was supposed to be with, it was going to be a breeze. I knew we would struggle and be faced with things in our lives, but I just thought it was going to be one of those first love at first sight, knowing instantly feelings and everything fall into place. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, I put up a wall and wasn't even interested in dating anyone and even though God was laying on my heart and trying to open up my eyes to see this man in a different way, I still had my wall up fighting it to not be torn down. I can look back and see that it wasn't always supposed to be easy and I'm sure me or even Brian made it more difficult than it could of been. It actually can be scary realizing that a man you don't even fully know, is the man God has given you, but at the same time, is a very peaceful feeling.
God also had another giggle in heaven when he places us together. I wasn't a member at a church and was just hanging around First Baptist. In fact God has revealed to me a year or so before meeting Brian to not join, that I will follow my future husband to the church that He has for us. When meeting Brian he told me that God has placed on His heart that his time was limited to the church he was going too, but just waiting on God to give him the okay to go. A few months into it, God revealed to him and this has been since October. We have been actively seeking a church since then and today at lunch I was talking to Brian about now limiting the churches and getting serious. I told him I didn't have any feelings toward any of them. He told me "I wont" and he told me and "you know why." Let me just tell you, this has been something that I have been seeking in prayer is to submit to Brian and to be the wife and woman that he needs. I think this is sort of a "first test", to trust and pray for Brian that he will guide us to the church God has for us. During this whole time, I haven't felt anything towards any church, sort of like a void. I know that when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all, that God will lay on my heart a peace and an assurance that this is His plan.
We are constantly praying for each other and this relationship and also finances for this wedding. We seek God in almost every thing we do, to save money and to be smart with choices. I already know that God sees our wedding and how its all going to play out and we honestly want what God wants. We want this celebration to be something that shows who we are and express the love we have to our family and friends as we start our lives together in union as one. Marriage is very important and a huge ordeal. Its you and someone else coming together committing a commitment before the Lord saying that you will love and honor and stick next to that person till the day you die. Some people may look at a wedding as just a day and it doesn't define the marriage, but the fact that Brian and I have prayed for each other before we met and God brought us together, to me is a huge celebration. To have loved ones there to share the start of our lives beginning together is very important to both of us. We know that if we do Gods will and pray about this wedding that He will open up doors for us to share this day with everyone.
I wanted this post to be about our relationship. I don't want people to look at us and think we are this "perfect couple", but I want people to look at us and see "Two imperfect people, praying for each other and trying their best to make each other happy". Relationships are an ongoing effort. I know every relationship gets in the rut of comfortable and we even do that with our relationship with God, when everything is going okay. I know I have to remind myself to surrender to God when I start to feel me "trying" to fix or take over a problem that I feel like I can handle. I feel its just like that with our relationships on earth.
So if I could give any advice or encouragement today, it would be.....any relationship that you may have with someone, whether it be God, your spouse or your child, is to pray for them and to ask God what you can do to show your love towards them so that they may see it.
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