One of my ongoing struggles

One of my ongoing struggles in my life has been my weight.  All growing up, it seemed like all my friends were smaller than me and I could never share clothes or switch clothes as most girls do when their youngins.  As I got older, I got more athletic and always played sports.  Even when I was in the sports, I always thought I was fatter than most of the girls and always had this body image of not being good enough.  I saw how most guys looked at the smaller girls, while I sat back and didn't feel wanted or not good enough.

So because I had this body issue, I turned to clothes and accessories to let me shine.  I like being complimented on my outfits or me being dolled up, that I stood out. 

As most know that I posted earlier this year, I went and tried out to be on the Biggest Loser.  It was nothing that I was holding my breath too, but it was a fun experience.  Tonight the first episode aired and little did this episode know, I have started feeling insecure about myself again.

I haven't posted much on this blog about my weight loss, but I had lost 40 pounds since March.  Last week when I went to my Dr's appointment I gained 6 pounds, but didn't understand why.  I had been in the gym majority of my extra time, but even the Dr didn't understand.  He is now sending me to a Nutritionist to see if maybe that will help.  I know he has mentioned everything for me to do and I have done it.  This could be my plateau, but its not going to get me down.  Ive enjoyed people coming up to me that haven't seen me in awhile, even at my part time job and ask me what I did to lose weight.  I proudly tell me them what I have done and even share it with them, so maybe they can make a lifestyle change to gain confidence and to feel good.

Looking back I can see how my weight has effected alot of my relationships, romantically and even friends.  It was never them, but it was me and my insecurities.  I have said mean things and have judged all because of me not being happy with myself.  I looked like an ugly person with an ugly attitude just for being so mean and saying mean comments.  I remember I didn't want to go out in public without having my makeup on and dressed nice, but it was all because of my weight and how I viewed myself.  I can honestly say now half the time I go out anywhere, I just roll out of bed with my hair a mess on top of my head with no makeup and clothes that don't match.  I'm usually going to the gym or to the grocery store, so theres no need for me to be looking all cute.

Now that I'm getting to a place where I'm accepting me and even helping others get to their goal so they can feel good about themselves, it just does something to you.  It makes you more wholesome and happy within yourself.  Gaining 6 pounds, felt like I did a month of hard work for nothing and I wont lie and say that a part of my kind of gave up, but I know I cant.  I have to find what I did wrong and change it up a bit.

I do need to say that my health lately has been bitter sweet.  I have good numbers when it comes to going to the Dr's, but my health has been struggling.  I have been very weak and fatigue lately.  I also shake alot for no reason, especially when I'm working out.  Ive been having these episodes of pain in my upper body and then my whole body sweats profusely and my ears start ringing and I know that I'm about to pass out, and I'm not sure what is causing that.  It lasts for about FOREVER it seems like, nah about 30 minutes, but its scary cause I don't know whats going to happen when I pass out.  Please pray that its nothing bad.

I told myself when I reach my goal that I'm going to treat myself to something that I always wanted to do, I'm not going to share with you right now what is, gotta stay tuned for that (hehe).  I know that I need to lose weight and feel good within myself, for my future husband.  I want my husband to be proud of me on his arm and I also want to be confident and not worry about another beautiful female in the room.  I know whoever God gives me that I will trust him and my husband will love me.  Admitting and realizing that a big reason why I can say alot of my romantic relationships didn't work was because of my insecurities has helped me learn more about me and who I'm striving to become.  I know its something that I will always have to work on, but that's okay!  I never want to be the best and get to the top, because all that's left from there is going down.  I want to keep striving to be the best for God, for myself and for others, till He calls me home. 

I wanted to share this with you, because I know we all have something within ourselves that we struggle with and carry each day.  I will never be lean and skinny, but I'm going to be me, happy and toned.  I pray for when God gives me my mate, that he will look at my heart and see Christ working in me, inward and outward.

So whatever you are going through, hand it over to God each and everyday for Him to help you and to help reach your goal to be a better you!  I couldn't of done this without God, He has been my strength and motivator.  Ive even had some friends make comments and try to bring me down, but I didn't allow it.  I knew then that they struggled with something inside of them, just like I did 6 months ago.  God has opened up my eyes to why people say and do the things they do.  Something inside of them hurts or is struggling, just like I did my whole life.  Now my biggest motivator is to help others get to their goal and to be healthier and to also be the best Christian they can be!  :)